Three Rotten Eggs

Clarion Books

Chapter One

Highway Robbery

"Those clouds look positively packed with lightning," said Miss Earth to her students. "Inside, class. On the double."

The children were tying plastic Easter eggs onto a forsythia bush by their classroom window. But the sudden clouds did have a close, gonna-getcha feel to them. With unusual briskness, Miss Earth's students obeyed their leader and tumbled into the classroom.

Miss Earth went immediately to the radio to see if there was an emergency storm watch. The radio screeched with static. Then it settled and picked up a country-western song. The new hit by Petunia Whiner, Miss Earth's favorite singer. The teacher waited for the song to end, hoping for a weather update.

"Ya got a little baby and ya gotta treat it right.
Ya gotta rock the cradle so your baby sleeps tight.
Baby needs a diaper change, Baby has a poo.
If Baby wakes and burps a lot, whatcha gonna do?
  Just cuddle cuddle cuddle till the cows come home."

In a corner of the room, under cover of the sound of music, two girls resumed the argument they'd been having at the egg bush.

"I never get to be in charge!" said one. "Thekla Mustard, spring has arrived. It's time for a change. Why don't you take a vacation from being Queen Bee all the time? That'd be a big change."

"Lois," said the other, "face it. You're not me. You're nice enough in your own drab way, but you're not me. And I am the one who annually gets elected Empress. So if we girls are going to form a classroom girls' team at the annual Spring Egg Hunt, I get to govern it as I govern everything. With surprising mastery."

"You're such a power hog. I'd hate to see what you're going to be like when you grow up. Some crazy dictator."

"We'll see," said Thekla. "It's always an option."

"Girls," said their teacher. "Shh! Here comes the weather."

Thekla simpered. Lois frowned. There had to be some way to unseat the bossy Empress. Sooner or later Lois would find out how.

Vermont State Trooper Hiram Crawdad wheeled his cruiser around the cloverleaf linking Interstate highways 89 and 91. He was listening to the latest Petunia Whiner hit on Vermont Country Radio. Her whiskey-raw voice seemed like a soundtrack to a made-for-TV movie. Starring himself, of course. Tapping the time on his steering wheel, he listened and sang along.

"Ya got a little baby and ya gotta treat it right.
Ya gotta kiss your baby and teach it not to bite.
Baby starts to cry a little, Baby cries a lot.
Ya gonna throw the baby in the garbage? Not.
Just cuddle cuddle cuddle till the cows come home."

Trooper Crawdad was just emerging from the curve when he saw a snazzy orange coupe roaring along from the direction of New Hampshire. Doing eighty-five miles an hour, easy. "How-de-do, what's your hurry?" said the trooper. "You've just netted yourself a hefty fine, stranger. Welcome to Vermont." He accelerated as he left the interchange.The deejay cut in. "That was Petunia Whiner in her hit single 'Baby Needs Burping.' Now a weather update from WAAK, the Voice of Vermont. Severe thunderstorm alert for the Upper Valley. Could change to snow?who knows. Spring is fickle around here."

Excerpted from Three Rotten Eggsby Gregory Maguire Copyright © 2002 by Gregory Maguire. Excerpted by permission.
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