Children love to participate in every activity that adults enjoy. When children participate, just how important is the outcome of whatever the activity is? Winning without Winning. The title says it all. As long as any child is involved in something, they are winning regardless of the outcome. Considering the amazing psyche building traits that come just from their participation, the children are winning---Winning without Winning. This book is unique simply because the entire focus is on attitude and you’ll be amazed at how many times you see yourself in the book.

Winning without Winning

By Gerry Crowley

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2010 Gerry Crowley
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4520-4875-8

Contents

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS...................................................viiA NOTE ON THE TEXT.................................................viiiINTRODUCTION.......................................................xiI: THE WAKE-UP CALL................................................1II: YO! WHAT'S UP?.................................................6III: HEROES, HEROINES, EVERY ONE!..................................13IV: GOT COACH?.....................................................19V: I LOVE THESE LITTLE PEOPLE......................................24VI: CODE OF BEHAVIOR...............................................31Sportsmanship - 1st precept........................................32How to Win / How to Lose - 9th & 16th precepts.....................36How to Compete - 11th precept......................................43VII: PARTICIPATION.................................................46Setting Goals - 18th precept.......................................47Teamwork - 3rd precept.............................................51Being Fair - 5th precept...........................................56Leadership - 10th precept..........................................61VIII: DEVELOPMENT OF SKILLS........................................66Physical Skills - 2nd precept......................................67Learning The Game - 4th precept....................................73Physical Fitness - 12th precept....................................76IX: PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS..........................................79Discipline and Self-Control - 7th precept..........................80Motivation - 8th precept...........................................84Patience - 13th precept............................................88Resilience - 19th precept..........................................92X: THE THREE R's...................................................96Respect - 14th precept.............................................97Reliability - 15th precept.........................................101Responsibility - 17th precept......................................103XI: WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT............................................110Having Fun - 6th precept...........................................111Perspective - 20th precept.........................................118XII: CONCLUSION....................................................121

Chapter One

THE WAKE-UP CALL

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs ... then you will be a man, my son." - Rudyard Kipling

I had a theory, albeit an untested one, and I was excited about gathering support for it. Each year at the children's year-end baseball tournament there were fights and ejections. One year, during the six-year-olds' tournament, a parent became so abusive he had to be removed from the field by police. Can you imagine the looks on the faces of the players to see an adult placed in a police cruiser and taken away? How must his child have felt? I was determined that this should never happen again.

To that end I held a seminar focusing on a new perspective-awareness. Twenty-eight adults attended, most of them coaches. The results were surprisingly predictable. How can something be both surprising and predictable? The outcome was a surprising reminder that all too often the obvious objectives of youth sports were not being achieved.

I began by welcoming everyone to a new concept-winning without winning. I explained that my goal was to make coaches aware of what was required of them when they decided to coach children.

I started by asking, "What are a coach's duties?"

A discussion followed about being on time, having the equipment there, etc. Then I asked a different kind of question: "What should coaches be teaching children?" The lively dialogue that resulted suggested I had hit a nerve.

So, we brainstormed-the same kind of brainstorming used in business and industry. Each participant wrote down a list of five things coaches should teach kids. (We'll discuss these in detail later in this book.) How often are you driving in the car or just drifting off to sleep and something really important pops into your mind? You think you'll remember it later, or in the morning, but most often it simply vanishes from your thoughts-unless you write it down. It is certainly too easy to forget unless you see it in black and white. Furthermore, an idea is futile unless it's implemented and writing ideas down is the first step to ultimately achieving goals. Coaches are naturally creative and insightful. Their ideas contribute to the success of their leagues and the enjoyment of the players. It only made sense that the coaches themselves could shed light on what is best for their players. The collective thoughts of the coaches were necessary to identify those issues.

So each individual picked up his or her pencil and began. The only stipulation was that they had to begin with the sentence "I believe coaches should be teaching kids ..." and then continue with the list. During our discussion, and after, the feedback was fantastic. In fact, the next day I had one coach call to tell me that because of that seminar, she realized that the principles that coaches should teach young athletes are the same principles that parents should teach their children. She had had an ongoing family dispute with her teenage daughter whereas she and her daughter had not spoken to each other in two weeks. She applied the brainstorming principle to her family situation by asking herself what she should be teaching her child. She took the next step by implementing the changes required to remedy the conflict, and the results were successful. She and her daughter were, once again, on good terms.

This coach, as well as her peers, had become students themselves. They had learned new concepts at the seminar and practiced what they learned on the ball fields. Each game showed improved attitudes and by that year's final tournament a new mind-set had emerged. Most coaches remembered that the children were there to improve personal skills and, above all, to have fun.

During one particularly tense tournament game, an umpire was out of position and made an indisputably incorrect call. The wronged team was upset and trouble seemed imminent. Then the unexpected happened. The coach called his infield together at the pitcher's mound and in a loud voice proclaimed, "Boys, we're here to have fun. Forget the call." Forget the call? We were all dumbstruck. Mouths dropped and eyes blinked in disbelief. A look of astonishment appeared on the faces of the kids. A bad call by an umpire didn't matter?

What a pleasant change from angry words, elevated stress levels, teary eyes, hurt feelings and damaged egos. The calm was the result of simple words that demonstrated a simple philosophy, spoken by a man who, days earlier, would have lost his temper. The seminar had given this coach the opportunity to be made aware that his past outbursts were unsuccessful in getting umpires to reverse calls, as well as also ineffective in teaching children. He not only eliminated his inappropriate behavior, he replaced it with positive, constructive advice.

Was it magic? Was it a miracle? Whatever you call it, this simple philosophy needed a broader audience. So, after countless meetings, endless discussions, and an unfaltering belief, Winning without Winning was created.

FOR PARENTS AND COACHES

Make your own list of what you think coaches should be teaching children. As you work through this book, compare and consider what you have written with what is presented in these pages. Compare notes with colleagues and other parents. Expand and amend your list to suit your own situation and to include practical examples that relate directly to your own organization. Coaches, hold a pre-season meeting with parents for the combined purposes of gathering required permission forms, distributing schedules, and brainstorming to set both individual and joint goals for the season. The chances for a successful season will increase if both the coaching staff and the parents have the same goals and are teaching the children the same standards.

Chapter Two

YO! WHAT'S UP?

"In youth we learn; in age we understand." - Marie Ebner-Eschenbach

There is a problem in youth sports. Ever increasing rumblings from coaches, spectators, game officials and participants themselves indicate the problem's magnitude. You only have to check your local newspaper for letters to the editor to confirm this. Something is wrong, and it permeates every facet of youth sports, regardless of activity, gender or age.

The heading read "Baseball Season Taught Poor Lessons for Life" when the following letter to the editor appeared in a local newspaper.

My 15-year-old son has been playing baseball and hockey since he was six, yet I have never been so discouraged as during this past poorly organized season. Nor have I seen such a display of outbursts and bad temper.

To begin, my pre-registration check was mailed in December and cashed in January. Then we waited.

In the past, ball practices have normally begun at the end of April or beginning of May. This year, my son waited for weeks for a call from a coach to say when practices would begin, when his first game would be played or what team he would play on.

At the end of May, after several messages I left on an answering machine, I was informed that, sorry, they didn't have coaches! Should sports organizations that have cashed one's check months in advance not have the courtesy to at least inform players of the situation about coaches and other arrangements. When finally we were on a team they then informed us that there would be no practices-there were no ball diamonds available.

When the season finally got under way, arguments broke out at several of the games. Several others were rained out. Those were to be rescheduled, yet at the last game of the season we were informed that the rained- out games were not going to be played.

And let me tell you about that last game. Before it began, an umpire, who was not officiating that day, got into an argument with the coaches. Then he left, and the game began. About halfway through the game another argument broke out, this time between the two game umpires and the coaches. There were tense moments. Words were exchanged and I wondered if they were going to come to blows! Finally, the umpire told the children to go home-the game was over. Those children begged him. They pleaded, 'It's our last game. Please, let us play.' But the game was over.

Youth sports aren't cheap. I paid for my son to play ball for a full season. I feel he has been cheated and should be reimbursed for the failure to reschedule certain games.

What has this season taught our children? 'It's okay, we have your money. Nothing you can do about it.' It has taught them to swear, argue, raise their tempers and come close to fistfights. Whatever happened to good sportsmanship and going out to have a good time?

Three strikes-you're out. I feel that the three strikes came before the season even started.

What did happen to good sportsmanship and going out to have a good time? I'm sure you feel this parent's frustration as personally as I do. Her complaints are valid-her son learned negative values from his experience with youth sports that season. It is beyond sad that those boys wanted so desperately just to play ball and instead, through circumstances that had nothing to do with them, their last game of the season was cancelled.

Children are full of enthusiasm and optimism. Life, to them, is full of possibilities. The memory of a caught fly-ball, played on a loop again and again in their minds, will last forever. This is the stuff dreams are made of. Yet we tamper with those dreams by abusing the positions of authority we are in. We, the parents and coaches, have the power to build or to destroy, and that is an awesome responsibility.

As with every story, there are two sides, so in the interests of fair play I have included the umpire's response to that parent's letter, which also appeared in the letters to the editor section some days later.

I would like to come to an understanding with 'Pat' about her letter entitled, 'Baseball Season Taught Poor Lessons for Life'.

Considering how many leagues there are in this area, baseball diamonds are in short supply. League directors won't know how many diamonds they are going to get until the city tells them. Coaches are volunteers who offer their time. They, too, are in limited supply.

'Pat's' money covers the cost of maintaining the diamonds, such as putting the lines down, and paying umpiring fees so she can have umpires at the games. Being an umpire in one hundred or so games this year, I am judge, jury and executioner out on the playing field. An umpire pays for his own equipment and is out there as much to serve the children playing baseball as are the coaches, but paid to know the rules. Umpires don't like ejections or forfeits either, for the same reason 'Pat' cited about what they teach children. Umpires are human. We make mistakes, but that's life. Some of the rules call for ejection and/or game forfeiture as a way of calming down a situation such as the one cited by 'Pat'. There is nothing else an umpire can do, according to the rulebook.

Why doesn't 'Pat' become a coach? Failing that, she could become an umpire. She would have a greater appreciation for all that goes on behind the scenes rather than complaining about it.

Coaches are volunteers-true. Umpires serve children for much the same reason as do coaches-true. Umpires make mistakes-true. Umpires are human-true. Yet, in all of this some very important details have been overlooked. What lessons are the children learning? Who controls what the children learn? When does the fun begin?

In his response the umpire states that game ejection and game forfeiture are necessary to calm certain situations down. That begs the questions of why we create situations that escalate through anger, necessitating an umpire's drastic interventions. It matters very little who is right and who is wrong. Do we want to teach our children that ranting and raving is the way to handle anger?

Children are constantly learning. The younger they are the more impressionable they are. It is our job to present children with positive learning experiences, not negative ones. The example that we set is the lead children will follow.

Consider this scenario.

A mother and her son are in an elevator. Suddenly, the lights go out and the elevator shudders to a halt. The child is about to panic and tears well up in his eyes. He calls to his mother who has remained calm and reassures him that everything is all right. Help is on the way. She gives him a hug and his world is safe once again. He trusts her and follows her lead until the situation is resolved. This lesson will be stored in the child's memory to become a part of his coping mechanism. However, had she behaved irrationally- screaming and crying in terror-you can bet that that too would have been burned into the child's memory, giving him quite a different set of coping skills for life. We often take our own actions for granted, not realizing that they have a direct impact on a child's state of mind, now and for the future.

The same lesson applies to the relationship between a coach and his team. If the coach is out to win at all costs, his team will believe that they, too, must win at all costs. If the coach gets angry and throws equipment, his team will learn that when they get angry they, too, can throw equipment. It is paramount in life for each one of us to learn to deal constructively with our anger, because anger leads to.... I'll let you finish the sentence.

If the coach complains and yells at the officials, then his team will also feel they can complain and yell at the officials. A child's developing sense of logic might tell him that if it's okay to yell at an official, then it must also be okay to yell at his teacher, his parents, and others in his life.

Are you getting the picture? The consequences of those examples are negative lessons learned for life. These children then carry these lessons into other aspects of their lives and on into adulthood. The flip-side is true as well, so coaches and parents need to always be aware that this transference of learning also occurs when children encounter positive attitudes through sports. Positive experiences create and instill positive values about the game of life. A coach's obsession to win at all costs could impair the developing psyche of a child, whereas a coach's healthy perspective about winning could lead to favorable development.

FOR PARENTS AND COACHES

Briefly jot down experiences that you had as children in recreational sports that affected you or others negatively. Consider how adults could have turned those negative events into neutral, non-eventful occurrences or even positive memories. Then write down recent experiences in the lives of your children and the children you coach that may have a negative impact. Consider ways in which these events could have been handled differently and ways you can address those issues now, before they have a negative long-term impact.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Winning without Winningby Gerry Crowley Copyright © 2010 by Gerry Crowley. Excerpted by permission.
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