Where IS Your Mother?

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Contents

Chapter One

We all have stories about our experiences while at the table. Those"Kodak" moments when elbows are used as swords guarding the food in frontof us, elbow-and-hand braces are used as a pedestal to hold up our heavyheads, or legs stretched out and crossed, placed parallel to the table extendinginto the walking area, creating an obstacle course for anyone who may ventureto serve or even walk by. There are also the sleepers, those who obviously aretoo tired to even be at the table, head-in-hand, slumping into their plates, andsometimes even laying their head down as if the table were a pillow.

How enjoyable for us all, especially for those who have taken the timeto prepare a lovely meal and are rewarded by looking at a sleepy, slumped-over,human obstacle course. Possibly, it would have been a better idea to justplace a pet dish on the floor so the food could be gulped down at the guest'sleisure; or maybe, instead of a dinner invitation, an invitation should havebeen extended to just come over and lounge on the sofa and not bother to beseated at the table at all. I don't think so!

I am a firm believer that there is a time and a place for everything. Whenat a dining table, it is the time and place to eat: sitting upright in your chair,legs tucked underneath the table, and feet placed firmly on the floor or in thatdirection. The purpose of your hands is to hold and operate eating utensils,not to support or hold up your head. Elbows are the usable extensions of thehand-to-mouth motion, to be kept off the table at all times and placed closeto your sides.

Your meal space at a dining table is measured by the width of your chairseat, continuing to the immediate left and right of your place setting.

No need to place those elbows on the table for support or to balance yourfork and knife; your eating utensils will never become that heavy.

No need to use those elbows as a weapon to guard your meal space; theywill be just fine at your sides and, surprisingly, that is exactly where they wereintended to be kept.

And definitely no improper sitting at the table; your chair should be placedsquare to the edge of the table. Sit tall on the seat of your chair. Tuck your legsunderneath the table with your feet on the floor or in that direction.

No sitting on your legs; legs were not intended to be a booster chair. If youneed a little boost to be closer to the table, a proper chair can be purchasedat numerous locations, often for a very reasonable price. If dining outside ofyour home, booster chairs are available upon request.

No walking around your chair; the dining table is not an athletic trackor park. When the meal has been completed, excuse yourself from the tableand walk wherever you wish, away from the dining table, and during themeal, remain seated.

And no squirming around like a restless animal. When you are invitedto sit at the table, the assumption is that you are human, so act accordingly.Sit and enjoy the meal that has been placed in front of you.

The list of items that can be covered under this topic could go on forever,and we will only begin to scratch the surface of a few of the more importantlessons in basic etiquette and good manners.

This chapter has been divided into several important sections, presentedsimply and clearly, so sit and enjoy the information, and when you havecompleted this chapter, you will be able to indulge in a banquet of knowledgeand each feasting table will be your oyster.

Fact: The reason a table with chairs placed around it is called a diningtable is for the purpose of people to come together, to be seated, and todine.

Secondary purposes for a dining table may include a surface on whichto do homework, a table for art projects or sewing, or even a space for boardgames.

But at least once a day, it is strongly suggested that in every home thetable be used as intended—to sit at properly to dine.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the entire family could come together atthe same time and for the same reason? What an exciting concept! The mostconvenient time to plan this gathering would be dinnertime. Parent(s) havereturned home from a long day at work, the kids have hopefully completedtheir homework and art projects, and hobbies have been put away for theevening. The music lessons and sports practices are finished for the night; it isthe end of a long and full day, and everyone is hungry! And at the end of eachday, there is much to talk about, so inviting the entire family to come togetherto sit around the dining table and share a meal is a natural and productivething to do. It is the perfect opportunity for conversation, to get to knowwhat everyone else is doing and, most importantly, to enjoy time together asa family, getting back to the basics and returning to the family unit.

When I was growing up, most mothers were homemakers—not anymore.Today, in many families, both parents are working and the kids have theirstudies, lessons, a social life, and sports. And believe it or not, many kids stillare expected to do chores around the house. You remember: little jobs likemowing the lawn or dusting and vacuuming the family room. But family, nomatter how large or small or how many projects its members are involved induring the course of the day, family remains family, and that fact will neverchange.

In this very busy world, a table is seldom used for its main purpose, andthat purpose is coming together as a family to dine. Everyone is always in ahurry, partaking of meals on the way out the door, in their bedrooms, in frontof the TV, and even while on the telephone; everywhere but at the diningtable. Ask yourself this question, "How long does it take to share a meal?"

Answer? Probably less than thirty minutes or maybe an hour; but duringthat time, as a parent, you have the opportunity to talk to your children andactually get to know who they are, who their friends are, and what they aredoing with their time away from home and during the day. As a child, youhave the perfect opportunity of sharing who you are with your family, lettingthem know what excites you, your feelings and your dreams, and creating andmaintaining an important open line of communication with your parents andsiblings. An open line of communication is a very special key that needs to beestablished in every household between the children and the parents.

Agreed, everyone is busy; but everyone needs to eat as well, correct? Weshould take time, no, we must make time, at least once a day, to come togetheras a family, and the best meeting place in any household is the dining table.

Many years ago, my sister-in-law gave me a framed sign that still hangsproudly on my kitchen wall in view of anyone who sits at our table. It reads,"Anything that takes me more than two hours to cook should take you morethan two minutes to eat."

When we come together at the dining table to share a meal, we shouldtake the time to enjoy the meal and the opportunity to be with the family.Now relax and take a deep breath, as I am not suggesting that each nightwe all take two hours to prepare a meal; we all can agree that in the averagehousehold, we don't have two hours to prepare a meal every evening. Butdinner has to be prepared, so take full advantage of the time.

Preparation time is also a great time to chat with your family, play catch-up on the daily news, and share time together—perhaps, on a one-on-onebasis. Now, hold this thought: Time with your family is precious and valuabletime that can never be replaced.

It is a time when everyone can be reminded just how special family reallyis, and it is an ideal opportunity to practice simple grace and apply basic tablemanners.

As parents, we can begin to teach the basic rules of simple grace andtable manners before our children are two years old, and these practicescan be continued throughout their lifetime with just a little day-to-dayencouragement. Good manners are essential and are not a passing fancy.When using good manners, they will be appreciated by every person weencounter throughout our lives, personally and professionally, and whengood manners are not present, that too will be noticed, but in a less desirablelight. Naturally, the table manners of a two-year-old will not be perfect.However, they can certainly be encouraged each and every day; consistencyis the foundation of any good learning technique. As your child grows, allof your efforts will be recognized and appreciated by your child as well asthose around him or her. Of course, there are no guarantees that when yourchildren are out by themselves in the world, they will behave like perfect littleladies and gentlemen. However, we all have that built-in recorder in our mindsthat seems to turn on when triggered by the slightest memory of any lesson,and the basics of good table manners, taught at an early age and encouragedthroughout the years, will be one of those lessons. When these lessons aredisplayed, in the comfort of your own home or somewhere outside your home,they will be the parental guarantees that when triggered, will keep going andgoing, like the Energizer bunny, even in your absence.

The key point of this lesson is that the dining table is by definition, aspace where family and friends come together, to share a meal, discuss theevents of the day, and bond through conversation. This seems quite clearin statement; however, apparently it is not understood by most of today'spopulation, young and old alike. So, once again, when one is sitting at a table,it means precisely—sit! No climbing, no walking around, no jumping, andno squirming; to sit means to sit. Very clear, agreed? There are rules in lifewherever we go that offer guidelines and directions, and proper etiquette atthe table is one of those rules.

Chapter Two

Have you ever been at a restaurant, family style or for a romanticgetaway, or at the home of a friend, and a child begins jumping up and downon the seat behind you or at the table next to you, dropping unidentifiableobjects in your hair, and eventually dumping the contents of an actioncharacter sippy cup down your back? How refreshing!

Or how about when you are sitting in a restaurant trying to enjoy a nicemeal, when out of nowhere screams and tantrums, or an apparent meltdown,loud giggles, or whining from a child completely out of control, shatters thesilence of your space like a box of firecrackers exploding on the fourth of July.How pleasant!

And of course, how about the children who are allowed to run up anddown the service pathways, in between the guest dining tables, creating near-misscollisions with the unfortunate wait staff who are working so hard toplease the entire room, still wearing big smiles as they protect the heavy trayof food they are carrying in fear of dropping it on top of the heads of theprecious little pumpkins scrambling beneath them. How exciting!

I have even witnessed children standing or jumping on the actual diningtable, as their parents sit in their own little world, completely oblivious tothe sounds and actions of the bad behavior around them, continuing aconversation with whomever will listen, as if all was just perfect. Wake up!

Fact: This display of bad behavior by a child is not cute, nor is it appreciatedby anyone around. The fact is, these acts of bad manners and obvious lack ofparental control are not only annoying, but are potential liability issues for theparents and the proprietor of the establishment, as well as to the guests sittingin the dining space around the disturbance, and it is totally unacceptable forany parent to assume otherwise.

"Kids will be kids" is never an excuse for out-of-control children. What adumb and inappropriate statement, and what does it actually mean? It makesabout as much sense as the proprietor of a restaurant posting a sign that reads:"Although you have never visited our restaurant in the past, all items servedwill be perfect, and everything is free!"

I will agree that "kids are kids" and the interpretation of this statementis again, precisely, kids are kids, not wild animals, and should be taught toact accordingly.

As a parent or a supervising adult, to be so deeply hidden in the dark as toallow yourself to assume that bad behavior is as adorable to everyone around asit is to the parents who are permitting it to happen, is a big assumption! If thisstatement is questioned, just take a look around when your child is totally outof control—do you see any smiling faces? I don't think so. The reactions andexpressions on the faces of those people seated around you, including otherfamilies with kids, will quickly confirm that when your child is behaving badlyand your choice as a parent is to not take control of the situation, obviouslyin a delusional cloud of mistaken thinking, you will quickly be remindedthat you and your belief stand alone! Harsh, but very true! To assume that achild can be placed in an adult situation and be expected to act like an adultis ridiculous! If this were a true assumption, all children would be born withangel wings, blessed with perfect manners, would have the vocabulary of athirty-year-old, and the attention span of a college graduate, leaving no needfor parents to guide, teach, and direct them.

Kids are kids!

As the parent, it is up to you to ensure that when your child is at thedining table, at home, or outside of the home, that this dining time is apleasurable experience for everyone and that your child is kept completelyunder control—your control. When toddlers and small children are takenout for a meal, depending on their age and size, they should be placed in ahighchair, booster chair, or be seated next to a parent or supervising adultthroughout the entire meal. The child should be taught that at the table, he orshe must remain seated! As adults, we are not permitted to wander around, toscream and yell, to toss our food, or behave inappropriately; we are expectedto sit down and remain seated for the duration of the meal, unless of course,nature calls. This at-the-table rule is a given and begins at home for childrenas well as for adults. We are all products of our environment, so if goodmanners and proper table behavior are practiced at home, it only stands toreason that the good manners and proper behavior will be displayed outsideof the comforts of home.

There are restaurants designed especially for kids and there are alsorestaurants that offer a kid's menu. These options offer a choice of foods thatare enjoyable and easy to handle for small children, which makes your lifeeasier.

Continues...

Excerpted from Where IS Your Mother?by Ava Carroll-Brown Copyright © 2011 by Ava Carroll-Brown. Excerpted by permission.
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