America is losing touch with her young African American male population. Parents are losing touch with sons, and sisters are losing touch with brothers. Why is this? Why are adolescent black males becoming lost to their own self-destructive behaviors? Most parents aren’t going to like to hear it, but it’s due to a lack of spirituality in upbringing. If a young man does not build his foundation on spirituality, he is left to build it on society. Dr. Thomas Page has spent much of his career studying and counseling the African American males of America. He has seen the devastation caused by a life without spirituality, and it is partially the fault of the parents. Parents force their children to get up and go to school every morning, and yet on Sunday they allow the children to choose whether they will go to be spiritually fed. This choice could lead to the children’s downfall. When Love Is Not Enough calls for a return to the notion of spirituality as the center of the household. By identifying with spirituality, young men can avoid identifying with drugs, alcohol, and illegal activities. Children must be spiritually fed in order to become spiritually satiated adults. It’s not too late. Turn back to the strong foundation of spirituality; your children will thank you for it.

When Love Is Not Enough

Bringing Spirituality and Coping Back to Families and HomesBy Thomas L. Page

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Thomas L. Page
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-1354-8

Contents

Chapter 1: "Christine"...................................................................................................................3Chapter 2: "Kapers Sr."..................................................................................................................7Chapter 3: "That Was Then"...............................................................................................................10Chapter 4: "This Is Now".................................................................................................................12Chapter 5: "The Impact Of Spirituality"..................................................................................................16Chapter 6: "The One Thing Parents May Not Want To Hear"..................................................................................19Chapter 7: "This Is How It Works"........................................................................................................22Chapter 8: "A Reality Check".............................................................................................................30Chapter 9: "Schools And The Media".......................................................................................................37Chapter 10: "Five"........................................................................................................................42Chapter 11: "What I Discovered"...........................................................................................................47Chapter 12: "From One Parent To Another"..................................................................................................60Chapter 13: "Final Thoughts"..............................................................................................................71Appendix: A Segment from "Spirituality and Coping of the African-American Young Adult Male": A Phenomenological Study.....................75

Chapter One

"CHRISTINE"

Christine. There is so much that I can say about my mother, Christine. My mother is the very essence of who I am. My mother is the one of the very reasons that this book is being written. You will not find very many women like Christine today.

Momma (who I call Christine) is the reason why I believe in God and the true meaning of faith. I remember many mornings that I would get up and see momma looking out the window, listening and having her hand on the radio, crying, praying for her family, and especially her children. I remember one morning in particular, when I saw my mother in a different light. I was never the same after that. It was on February 13, 1972, the day after my brother died. That morning for some reason, I got up a little earlier than usual. I tiptoed out of my room like I usually did so that I wouldn't disturb momma from what I now know was "her time with God". As I was walking towards the room where she was at, I noticed that momma was crying and singing. This was something that I really never expected from my momma. I knew that my mother could sing. She would sing songs by Sam Cooke, Lightning Hopkins, and contemporary singers of her time. I never heard my momma sing gospel songs before. This was the first time in my life that I knew what "faith" actually was. She had her hand on the radio, listening to Rev. Ike, praying, and crying. You must understand that during that time, radio would have late night and early morning services on the radio. Momma never attended church because she felt because she couldn't read and she didn't want to be embarrassed. She would always tell us that she didn't have anything to wear. So, Rev. Ike would tell all the listening viewers to put their hand on the radio and he would pray for them. Momma would put her hand on the radio and just weep while Rev. Ike prayed. But this crying was not the ordinary type of crying my mother usually did. It was a cry of joy. It was the type of cry that gave a peace that passed all human understanding. In her crying, she kept saying, "My faith is enough to believe in you, Lord. You know what you are doing. You gave me my son and You took him away. I don't understand why, but you know what you are doing. I will trust in you, Lord." And then she would break out in song, " I will trust in the Lord. I will trust in the Lord. I will trust in the Lord til I die." I did not understand this. How could anyone, much less a grieving mother, trust in a God who took the life of her child, and still have the faith to stand upright and thankful. I realized that momma had that one thing that she taught all of us. Momma lived by it and died by it ... spirituality. When love was not enough ... she prayed and trusted in her spirituality.

My momma was a virtuous woman. My momma was the stay-at-home mother that made sure that pop had food ready when he got home from work. Momma made sure that all of our clothes were clean, we were fed well and our homework was done. She was the disciplinarian of the family. Momma did not know how to read or write efficiently, but was known for her "mother wit", common sense and a beautiful heart. Momma would always make sure any person that came into the house was welcomed and fed. The first thing that would come out of her mouth would probably be, "Are you hungry?", "Did you eat?". Momma always cooked with these big, huge pots and even though we were poor financially, momma made rice and black eyed peas seemed like a feast. I still remember the fish, cabbage and the skillet cornbread that momma made and it became my favorite. The last time momma made it, I literally cried because that was the meal that pop always liked and she cooked it when he died. I remember the love that went into cooking it. It was that type of love of a mother that made cooking and being in a family at the time memorable and one that everyone would remember ... knowing that you are fed ... knowing that you are taken care of ... knowing that you are loved in this way.

Momma was not a very affectionate person ... at least not physically. Momma was not a touchy, feely person unless she put her hands on you when disciplining you. Momma's love was also shown through her whippings. YES.... I said whippings (beatings). Momma was the one person me, my brothers and sisters feared, especially if we did something wrong. "Pop" had to be the nurturing one. At times, I believed Pop was scared of momma and what she would do if we (or him) stepped out of line. Momma always believed that you were to do the right thing (no matter what) and if you didn't get what she was telling you through talking, she would show you even better. Momma was tough. Even if momma was wrong, it wasn't our place to tell her that she was wrong, or that she made a mistake. That was always reinforced by pop and between the two of them, there was an order of discipline and respect that was to be given to the two of them and any adult that walked in and out of our path. Momma did this to make sure that we knew that we could always depend upon the two of them, and to stay a child as long as we could. It was not our place to be grown ... but to "grow" and grow like the mindset of Jesus. I've always remembered 1 Corinthians 13: 11 and I've always kept that in my heart: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." Even Jesus grew up as a child. I guess mom knew what she was talking about so that when the time came for us to become adults, we would be well prepared and have the same respect and skills to raise our children. Momma protected us and kept us on the right track. She taught us right from wrong and instilled morals and values. I have always come to know that with momma.... when love was not enough, she mentored us.

Momma will forever hold a special place in my heart because of what she did to keep us together as a family. She was the glue that kept us together and bonded us for life. She will forever be held in the highest esteem for doing what she needed to do to make sure that we did not need for anything. At times I would get so upset with her because there were times when with the little money she had, she would still give it away and sometimes left with nothing but her pride. But, momma didn't mind. She would rather see us happy or help someone else because that was momma. She always believed that God would always bless her and her family and come through whenever she needed Him. Family was very important to momma. She lived for her children and for that I am a better person in this world ... for when love was not enough ... she showed and gave me insight.

Chapter Two

"KAPERS SR."

Kapers Sr. (my pop) was the backbone and foundation of our family. Pop was the "silent warrior", the part of my life which taught me to live and live knowing that you did something good for someone else as well as for yourself. I will always remember when I was a child, I would always go with pop to work when we didn't have school or when he had to go to work on weekends. I would sit there and just watch him work. The one thing that made me a proud son was the fact that he took pride as he simonized cars and would make cars beautiful as they come off of the lot. He would take his time and put his heart and soul into his work. Just by looking at him, I could tell that loved what he did. He was the breadwinner even though momma took the check every week and balanced the budget. His heart was momma. Pop worshipped the ground that momma walked on. Momma could do no wrong according to the book of "Kapers". When momma would have her moments, all pop would do is just sit their patiently, quietly and without moving (as though he was the most content person in the world) When she would finish, he would say, " I love you, too, Christine". That would burn momma up even more, but that was their relationship. Pop would know exactly what momma wanted and needed. I remember going to the store with pop to get some food for momma. I would get a cabbage and he would reply, "that's not big or green enough.". I would get a small box of rice and he would reply, "That is not big enough". But, pop being pop, he would let me go ahead and get it. When I got home, it was as if pop spoke those same words (he told me in the store) into momma's mouth. I could not believe how in sync they were. Pop took good care of his family. Even though pop didn't get paid what he was worth, he made do and he always was a great provider. Between him and momma, the family always managed.

Pop never complained about how bad things were. Even when the both of us had to go back and forth to the VA hospital in East Orange, we would talk about everything, but he would just be as cool as a cucumber and took life as it came. As sick as pop was, he still managed to take care of his family. When pop had his leg removed due to diabetes, I can tell that it devastated him. It seemed as though it took the life right out of him. Pop was never the same after that, but his favorite statement of all to keep me from worrying about him was, "At least I am alive ... and Christine is ok." There was always an unspoken bond between me and my pop. I would be his mouthpiece when he couldn't say what was on his heart. I felt his pain and I knew his heart. When pop passed away in December of 2000, I lost a big part of me that I never spoke of. What I felt, seemed to have went in the grave with my father. Two days before he died, he said to me, "Baby, I am ready to go home." I said, "Pop, you are going home tomorrow.". He responded and said, "No, Baby ... I am ready to go home". I knew what pop was talking about and all I can say was "I know, Pop". He made me promise him that I would take care of momma if anything should happen to him. Once I made that promise, pop was at peace. He really never spoke after that. He would just stare into space. When I would go to the house in those final days, I would go in there and just sit with him and I told him that I would take care of things. I knew the time was soon coming and I saw tears come to the side of his face. That was when I had to face reality that I had to now be the pillar he wanted me to be. Pop died the next day. I knew when he died. No one had to tell me. I felt a soft warm breeze on the back of my neck and I stood up. I called the house and I was told that they were taking pop to the hospital because he stopped breathing. They revived him once more, but I knew it was the end of pop's life here on earth. Pop was a man that I will cherish forever, love and remember as a family man and a man who was dedicated and loving to his family and especially his wife, Christine. When love was not enough ... pop showed and gave allegiance. I miss "Pop" kissing me on top of my forehead when I was a child. I miss him speaking gibberish just to get a reaction from momma. I miss the days taking pop to the VA hospital and having that bonding time with him. I miss "Pop". Pop is the other reason why this book is being written.

Chapter Three

"THAT WAS THEN"

Throughout most of my life, I have been blessed with a two parent household, brothers and sisters and a life that I really enjoyed and appreciated. People may not believe it ... but it was fun sometimes being poor. We got a chance to appreciate each other. We were forced to do without and be content without it. When we did have enough money, momma and pop made sure we did things together like going to the drive-in theaters, Carvel and/or Guernsey Crest Ice Cream and going to Brooklyn to spend time with my mom's sister, Aunt Josie Mae. It wasn't about the money. It was about spending time as a family and making sure that we supported each other and was there for each other.

Having a two parent household took a lot of the burden off of one person and gave the assurance that if you were not loved by one, you were loved by the other. During those growing times, we would observe our parents on how they reacted to things and did things on a daily basis. We would watch TV and from watching television, there would always be this upstanding superhero that we all wanted to imitate and be like. I always wanted to be "Superman" because I wanted to be faster than a speeding bullet and I wanted to fly and swoop down and catch the bad guys. Thanks to my brother, I am still alive. I tried to play "Superman" and flew off of the top bunk of the bed with a towel tied around my neck and aiming toward the window. I went through the sheet of glass and thankfully my brother caught me ... towel first. I ended up getting stitches and a good beating that I'd never forgotten. I learned not to play "Superman" anymore, but I did learn the value of family and that we learn from observation, imitation and modeling. We learned that we had to be careful because environment also played a role in how people respond behaviorally in specific situations and scenarios. Family as the foundation kept most of us stable in a world that was becoming unstable.

As a doctor and professor, I come to find that my parents did exactly what theorists have been telling us to do for years. Let's get to the basic ideas first. It was the role of family and the home environment that was to prepare us as children and to focus on the appropriate behavioral skills in a family and social setting. As we were growing into our adolescent (teen) years, we started learning from other people. Our parents were still that basic and firm foundation for us, but we now learned to observe outside of our family realm, into unchartered territory called an environment, imitating and modeling those we now wanted to become, still keeping our values and morals intact.

As far as operant conditioning, there was no such a thing as paying children to complete required chores and school work which was what momma used to call "your job as a child". There were only rewards for getting "A's" on your report card, rites of passages (birthdays, teeth coming out, etc.), or excelling in a sport or competition in an achievement made outside of the normal everyday activity.

"THAT WAS THEN" ...

Chapter Four

"THIS IS NOW"

Today, it seems that parents are learning from their children, instead of children learning from their parents. It seems as though that the roles have reversed. The behavior that children and adolescents possess today is not just something that has come out of the blue. This has been an ongoing plight to gain our children's respect. The thought of being their "friend" instead of their parents have given children and adolescents mixed signals, which is confusing them more each day. Parents have also allowed the fear of their children's aggression to succumb to their negative behavior learned. So instead of standing up to their children and being the head of the households, the parents "give in" to their behaviors and demands.

As a doctor in the field of Human Services, specializing in the field of Counseling Studies, I have studied (and still studying) the behaviors of children, adolescents and adults to come up with some sort of explanation why things have taken a turn for the worse when it comes to our families and the future of our children. I know that many parents may not want to hear this, but I can promise you that what I am about to tell you will be an eye opener and one piece of advice that I have found to be crucial in my family's life and has made a change in how we live and grow and connect even closer as a family. In a research that I have done with adolescents and families, it has come to my attention that if we don't come back to the basics of "family" and "spirituality", the streets will take over our children and adolescents, and parents will be left holding the bag of shame and guilt because of familial practices that we chose to neglect and overlook.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from When Love Is Not Enoughby Thomas L. Page Copyright © 2011 by Thomas L. Page. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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