Whatevs: A Texan's Guide To Doing Dumb Stuff With Confidence

In this hilarious and heartfelt memoir, Texas plumber Michael J. Melton looks back on a lifetime of spectacular mistakes-from spray-painting a neighbor's dog to trading his grandfather's chewing tobacco for RC Cola, streaking naked down Highway 144, and faking his own death by a dumpster.

Growing up in Walnut Springs (population 315, mostly relatives), Melton survived a chaotic childhood shaped by his mother's temper, infidelity, and rewriting of history, balanced by the quiet, steady love of his father-a Marine and Vietnam vet who showed affection through action, not words. His Choctaw grandfather called him "Sappoy" (little troublemaker), a title he wore proudly.

The book tracks his failed Marine Corps career (busted knee), his rise to Master Plumber, two built-and-sold companies, three marriages, and the children who emerged from the wreckage as blessings. Along the way, he shares stories of Uncle Kenny (pipe-rack smasher, cedar-grubbing taskmaster), Grandma Ida (Stone Cold Steve Austin's biggest fan), and the small-town absurdities that shaped him.

Through every disaster, Melton's weapon is laughter-fart jokes at Sonic, spontaneous invented songs, and the philosophy summed up in one word: *Whatevs*. Now married to Laurie (a "saint disguised as his wife"), he's learned that perfection is imaginary, average is underrated, and grace finds you right where you fall.

For anyone who's ever done something stupid and lived to laugh about it.