Developing Effective Communicative Tools

A Wasted Mad Scenario

Meet Olivia and Jason, an Atlanta couple married for six years. It was a typical Wednesday evening as Jason walked passed his wife Olivia in their bedroom. Jason quickly noticed that his wife seemed a bit upset. So he stopped her and innocently asked, if there was something bothering her. Olivia immediately explained to Jason her issues. She told Jason, she had been very upset with him for the past several days and was even angrier that it took him three days to notice. Olivia was angry because mid-week her gas tank was almost empty and her husband was not consistent with filling up her tank. Well, the family's weekly routine included traveling together to church in Olivia's automobile. Afterwards, Jason usually stops and fills up the tank, checks the oil and then takes the family to Sunday lunch. However, on this particular Sunday, Olivia told Jason that morning she needed to work on a special project with the Pastor's wife and thus had to leave for church earlier than usual and he and the children can arrive at the usual time.

From Olivia's perspective, Jason failed to do something that he had routinely done and was expected of him at the beginning of each week. When she explained, he responded, "You wasted a mad." Jason had no idea that she was angry with him, furthermore Olivia's actions of changing their normal routine created the misunderstanding. After each of them explained to each other their feelings, the couple laughed and moved on, each learning a valuable communication lesson, much the same that every couple must learn, "don't waste your mad!" Without a solid communicative relationship, small things couples should laugh about become huge things that further become wedges of destruction for the relationship. Such poor communication acumen forces the foundation of the relationship to break down.

When communication breaks down in a relationship, so does the foundation of the union. It is imperative that partners take time to listen to each other, hear both the words and the needs of the other spouse. To be clear, Olivia's needs were not met. It does not matter what role she played in the miscommunication. Happiness is not a blame game. Her issue from her perspective is that Jason failed to meet a need. Without understanding her role in the process, she was angered by her perception of his lack of compassion for her needs.

Couples must practice communication, spend time talking to each other, but also listening. Listening involves turning off the television for 15-30 minutes each night, talk during dinner, allow time for each partner to discuss any topic without interruption. Let the communication process play out. But remember, this is not a gripe session, it is not a time to let him know how inattentive he is, it is a time to turn away from the world and into each other. According to Harley (2001) if the man wants to meet his wife's needs he will give such a task sufficient time. The communication exercise would allow couples to date again. Harley says, in the courtship process, couples have two unconscious goals, the first is "to get to know each other more thoroughly", and secondly "to let each other know how much they care about each other" (66). For this reason alone, dating should be a process that continues after marriage.

Developing Adult Time

Meet Ann and Thomas an Akron, Ohio couple with two children and have been married for nine years. They have established a routine. During the week, the children are picked up from school, fed a snack, and homework is being completed. During this time the parents are completely focused on the children's needs. No television during homework, one parent is helping the children complete their homework, during the same time the other parent is preparing dinner.

After homework, dinner is served, the entire family sits together to eat dinner. This is also a good time for family conversation. The children are put to bed at the same time each night and for at least one hour the parents turn into a couple. This is there adult time. Ann says, even though we only get about 45 minutes to an hour alone each night, it is the best time of day for the both of them.

Together they decide to talk, cuddle or make love. Thomas says setting this time alone may be an effort but it is well worth it. The adult time has given them a continued spark in their relationship. Thomas continues and says, "Unfortunately we can't go out and date because of the difficulty in arranging sitters during the week, but we still feel we are dating, actually on our own terms."

Ann and Thomas made dating an important, pleasurable experience, long after the wedding. They decided early on that even after the children romance and intimacy would always be a priority. Dating your mate creates a continuous freshness. Conversation during the dating process is always exciting, always interesting, and always intimate; why not continue that into the relationship. It doesn't cost anything to talk; it doesn't take much energy to listen and there are no acceptable excuses not to give it a try. Couples cannot be caught wasting a mad, if partners respect consistency, have open and engaging conversation on a continuous basis and show a genuine respect for one another.

Practice Makes Everything Better

Communication takes practice! Therefore, couples need to list seven topics-one for each night they wish to address during their daily 30 minute conversation. Each partner may choose a separate topic and each topic can be completely separate from the other, remember this is an exercise to jump start the communication process. Once couples learn how to talk and listen to each other there will be less of a need to stage the discussions.

During the 15-minute intervals, set some ground rules, such as;

* No interrupting each other

* No use of disrespectful body movements, or any negative gestures that may side tract the conversation. The point is to hear the words and needs of the person speaking.

* After the 15-minutes are up, the other partner receives the same respect of time to communicate.

After a week or two, partners should now be able to form the habit of talking to each other and never again at each other. Harley (2001) says, "Without conversation, the warm atmosphere and the deep physical relationship each partner needs could never be maintained," (68). Many clinicians will attest that relationships succeed or break down, based on a couple's level of communication. Simply, if couples lack the ability to talk, they lack the tools to grow. In the end, the lack of communication will cause several mad(s) to be wasted! The continuous anger will lead to the dissolution of the relationship.

We can't assume that everyone understands what effective communication is, let alone how to practice good relational communicative techniques. Meet Tabitha and Raymond a couple that has been married for 12 years, she is an attorney, he a school teacher in suburban Houston. The couple has three children 5, 7, and 11 years of age. The couple currently sleeps in separate bedrooms and avoid alone time because every conversation ends in an argument. The therapist asked them, "Why do you stay?" Both responded separately, because of the kids. The couple believes they still love each other but has grown tired of each other. "Any communication that doesn't involve the children is painful," says Tabitha. She adds, "He just doesn't get it anymore.

We used to talk, he used to listen; now he shows no interest in my life, and inversely I show none in his." Raymond says, "Tabitha is self-absorbed. When she talks to me, I feel like I'm talking to a successful lawyer and not my wife." He adds, "I'm not sure if she even knows that I was named teacher of the year twice. Our communication broke down when she showed little interest in what I did, or what was important to me."

Communication for our purpose can be identified as a healthy exchange of information by a couple that is valuable to at least one partner. Therefore, the process of communication begins with focus. The message sender is asking the receiver to put themselves in a certain place to hear their message. Tabitha and Raymond must learn how to reflectively listen to one another and immerse themselves into the words of their partner. Embracing what is important to the other person is one step for this couple to moving back into the same room.

Introducing "I" Messages

Another technique couples like Tabitha and Raymond can use to learn how to first listen to one another and then to embrace the communicative process is to use "I" messages. However, in this technique a large part of the process lies with the sender of the message. The sender transmits their messages beginning with "I feel." The receiver must not immediately become defensive. The receiver of the message must position themselves to focus, and then to open both ears and heart to the sender and the message. Before the receiver responds to the sender, the receiver must internalize or feel the message. The process of internalizing (reflecting) means to see the message from the sender's point of view, not the receiver's. When one spouse sends a message and the other doesn't hear, embrace or understand the message, the problem lies with the sender of the message.

In a relationship, the sender has a responsibility to stop the process at the point of failed message interchange and re-engage. This is done simply by reframing the message for clarity purposes only. A simple way to achieve this task is the use of "I" messages. "I" messages are not about the partners actions, it is about describing feelings, for example, "I feel frustrated, when decisions are made in a vacuum." In effective relational communication the couple is not looking to win an argument, but rather understand the needs of the other partner and open the communication process up to achieve mutually beneficial results. Tabitha and Raymond can regain their physical relationship by learning to use the "I" message technique. Communication and relationships fail because partners are not honest; they hide their feelings, and deny situations to avoid rocking the boat (Campbell, 2005).

Again it is always better to develop proactive techniques and practice them in the event of an issue, versus having an issue and lacking the wherewithal or tools to effectively deal with the issue. When it comes to relationships, it is vital to feel free to "rock the boat." Try techniques to enhance communication, employ tools to strengthen the bond, most of all talk, talk, talk. Turn off the television and practice "I" messages techniques. It may take a few hours of practice to hone the skill.

Successfully implementing such an activity and using the "I" message tool will improve communication and create a more intimate understanding of the partner's feelings and thought process. Tabitha and Raymond are now talking to each other and their relationship is progressing.

A vital part of effective relationship communication is listening. Reflective listening is a technique of intensively participating in a conversation; we will examine reflective listening in a moment. But first let us examine the problems with listening. Scholars estimate we only have the capacity to hear a small portion of what is said by others. According to Lindhal (2003) the average attention span for adults is about 22 seconds.

Furthermore, immediately after someone has completed speaking we can recall about 50% of what was said, after a few hours have passed, our capacity to remember shrinks to about 20%. Not to compound the issue, but scholars said only 5% of adults have ever participated in any type of listening training. How do we currently deal with the lack of listening? When the message sender feels the receiver is not engaged, the sender speaks louder. The result is the receiver is annoyed and listens even less. Listening is a decision to engage in the message or communication process, and give the other party the attention and time necessary to transmit a message.

Reflective Listening Helps with Communication

Reflective listening according to Carl Rogers (1951) is a communication strategy of active listening where the goal is to attempt to understand the sender's message by restating the message to the sender in the words of the receiver to ensure clarity and understanding. Boston University Associate Professor, Dalmar Fisher's reflective listening model involves active listening by the receiver, to empathize with the sender's point-of-view, not necessarily agreeing, but simply considering the sender's perspective without judging. In this reflective process, the receiver focusing on the sender's mood, summarizing the sender's point, responding without digressing, and repeating the process for each of the sender's points.

Clearly this is much more intense of a process when it involves couples. However engaging in active listening techniques such as reflective listening will show your partner that you respect them and their opinion matters. In addition, reflective listening help couples create a much more intimate relationship, and break down barriers to communication and create the level of intimacy that is unparalleled. There are other examples of reflective listening techniques that we did not mention, do your research with your partner, the results will be fun and mutually rewarding. The bottom line; if you want physical and mental passion in your relationship, learn to listen and practice the techniques!

The Communication Process

Using Communication as a Tool for Longevity

If passion inspires creativity, communication encourages longevity. Communication is the process of transmitting and receiving messages, we will lay out the communication process formally later in this chapter but first we will examine a key word. The key word is process and it is not an event but rather a system of continuous evolution. Much the same with relationship communication, it is a process of continuous evolution. The way couples receive and send messages is therefore an evolution over time.

You can't expect to marry someone on Saturday and by Monday be in complete communication agreement. It takes time to realize the manifestation of mature communication, where words are not necessary; partners can finish each other sentences, or thoughts, this takes time. Couples must be reasonable regarding expectations and rational about relational growth. Becoming soul mates doesn't happen immediately. It is a myth to think you meet your soul mate. Becoming soul mates, as we will discuss later takes time and effort.

Socrates was known for his reasonability and rationality. Some scholars may have even referred to him as the father of knowledge (epistemology). According to Schwarze and Lape (2001) Socrates asked many questions and repeated the questions often which may have seemed tedious. He was always willing to discuss the matter further; to Socrates, the discussion was always open. Much the same with couples; each partner must be able to complete their thought process and understand until then, the discussion remains open. Many men can probably lament about such pain when their wives want to continue the conversation, she does this not to punish, but largely because her needs from her perspective were not met.

Rational people are always willing to examine another person's belief and possibilities. A message to the men; learn to be rational and finish the conversation. Being rational also mean to question your own thinking process and beliefs. Opening your heart and your head to listen without making judgments will also allow your partner to think and act in a reasonable and rational manner; it is reciprocal.