What Will You See?

In everyone's life there will be many challenges that draw forth the question, "Why?" There will be a time when you engage your life in something that deteriorates your body and mind, leaving you in the darkest place imaginable. At this point you can truly see who people really are and what their true characters are. When they are at the bottom of the roller coaster that is life, and they look up at the altitudinous structure, will they see paradise at the peak through the fog and obstacles? Will they do everything in their power to get there one day? Or will they be unable to see through the fog and shadows, staying at the bottom until the inevitable complete and utter blindness happens, losing them in darkness forever?

Concussions sent me plunging down that roller coaster of life, to the point where I could barely see through the fog. For those who don't know, a concussion is a brain injury and is defined as a complex pathophysiological process affecting the brain, induced by biomechanical forces. Several common features that incorporate clinical, pathological and biomechanical injury constructs that may be utilised in defining the nature of a concussive head injury include:

- Concussion may be caused by either a direct blow to the head, face, neck or elsewhere on the body with an "impulsive" force transmitted to the head;

- Concussion typically results in the rapid onset of short-lived impairment of neurological function that resolves spontaneously. However, in some cases, symptoms and signs may evolve over a number of minutes to hours;

- Concussion may result in neuropathological changes but the acute clinical symptoms largely reflect a functional disturbance rather than a structural injury, and as such, no abnormality is seen on standard structural neuroimaging studies;

- Concussion results in a graded set of clinical symptoms that may or may not involve loss of consciousness. Resolution of the clinical and cognitive symptoms typically follows a sequential course. However, it is important to note that in some cases symptoms may be prolonged.

In America alone there is an estimated 4-5 million concussions occurring each year, costing Americans more than $60 billion each year. That means that every 21 seconds, one person in the United States sustains a Traumatic Brain Injury. In the National Hockey League, $42.8 million dollars in wages are lost per year due to concussions. An astonishing 50% of "second impact syndrome" incidents—brain injury caused from premature return to activity after suffering initial concussion—result in death and what is significantly more mind blowing is that 47% of athletes do not report their concussion symptoms!

"The number of concussions occurring is many times the number reported," said Dr. Scott Delaney, the 2010 recipient of the Dr. Tom Pashby Award for contributions to the prevention of catastrophic sports injuries.

"Some studies have said 90 per cent of concussions go unreported."

In Canada, hockey produces the largest number of concussions among young athletes. It has been reported that physicians see at least one concussion a day come into the emergency room.

My name is Spencer Edward Jean. I was born on October 21, 1990, in Windsor, Ontario. I was an athlete growing up. I played every sport imaginable and was typically very good at all of them. I was a fierce competitor in every aspect in my life, whatever the case was, I desired to win. I always envisioned myself as superior than everyone else. I had a strong personality and was invariably the loudest person in the room. I was a hard worker, working for everything I accomplished, and because I worked so hard, everything always ended up in my favour. I had a great childhood with the best parents and family I could have ever asked for. I was brought up with the mentality of never giving up, being the best and strongest person I could be and never being thought of as a quitter.

Paul, my father, is a sergeant for the Windsor Police. He has always been there for me in every way possible, whether that be as a parent, inspiration, friend or advisor. He is always busy "doing something", but he habitually makes time for me; I always come first. He's one of those guys everyone respects and everyone knows. He is very calm and laid back, but at the same time he works hard for everything he achieves in his life. He's a pretty hard guy to read and can read everyone perfectly, I guess that's why he excels at his job. He's one of the toughest guys and biggest kids I know. He taught me a lot growing up, from working on cars, to building things, all the way to life lessons. He is a man of many trades. Everyone always says that I have developed the same multi-disciplinary skill set from him; in which, benefits my life and everyone in it on a day to day basis.

Karen, my mother, is a branch manager at TD Canada Trust. She's one of the most intelligent and beautiful people I've ever met. She works long shifts at the bank then spends countless hours taking care of our family. She gets me anything I ever need. To say the least, she spoils me. She is one of those moms that think of all my friends as sons. She will do anything for them. I don't think anyone has more love in her heart then her, but if you get on her bad side she can be the devil. She has that animalia mother instinct that makes her very protective of me. She was always the disciplinary parent. We have had our battles over the years but that's only because we think so much alike. I always go to her for advice and I always value her opinions.

Madison, my sister, is the most warm-hearted person I know. She cares about everyone and always puts her needs second to others. I put Maddy through a lot growing up and through my concussion issues, but she always wanted to be around me. She always cared about me and put me first. I'm very protective of her and she knows that. She's the little sister that all my friends call their own. She does everything I ask her. She sacrificed a lot in her childhood in order for me to achieve my dreams. She missed school, her own sports, hanging out with friends, just so I could go on baseball and hockey tournaments. I owe her a lot. She is an amazing person.

Academically I was an "A" student in grade school, high school and ultimately university. I attended grade school in LaSalle, Ontario at Prince Edward Public School and LaSalle Public School. In grade school I always won the award for Most Prepared. My mom says that I was prepared for a hurricane, even though due to our geographical location we would never be struck directly by one. I went to high school at Sandwich Secondary School, again in LaSalle. My life in high school was pretty average for a hockey player. The problem was that Sandwich was a football school and I was a hockey player, so I ended up hanging out more with my teammates from other schools.

I was in the darkest place of hell imaginable. It just so happens that in that dark place, there are no distractions. Your mind can be clear, and when your mind is clear, it is open to imagining opportunities that wouldn't be possible without being in that dark place that you thought was the end.

"When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars."—Lee Salk

That dark place can be turned into the beginning, and you can overcome the adversity life has put you through. You can turn all of the negative energy into something that people only dream about. The most brilliant minds in this world and the most successful corporations all began in the adversity of the darkest place imaginable. That's where I ended up. "Concussion" comes from the Latin word concussus meaning to shake violently. That's precisely what concussions did to my life.

Where It All Began

Concussions have surrounded me my entire life, whether they were caused by self-inflicted injuries, by a third party or occurring to those around me. They will always surround me. They have shaped me into the person I am today and will be tomorrow. The things you are about to read are my personal experiences in regards to concussions. Some of the material through the duration of my story is explicit and may be hard for people to hear. I apologize in advance for any content that may offend the reader. No one has heard the vast majority of material in this book. I strongly believe that this novel will further develop concussion awareness and research as well as help others who have suffered and continue to suffer from concussions.

This is the tragedy concussions inflicted upon my life and this is where it all began.

My first concussion didn't happen when I was even involved in competitive sports. I was roughly 4 years old at the time and was playing with the local kids and our moms at the playground on the street that I grew up on in LaSalle, Ontario. We were playing tag, and the swing set was "home free." I was running for the swing set when I fell in the sand and smashed my head on the bottom of the swing set's pole. The sand wasn't that high off the ground, and I actually impacted my head directly on the concrete that was stabilizing the swing set's poles. I was bleeding profusely. My mom brought me to the hospital, and I received several stitches. I was not told that I'd suffered a concussion; in fact, I wasn't even asked the question. The word "concussion" wasn't even mentioned. I remember being dazed, and my vision was unquestionably blurry; everything was spinning. My ears were ringing so loudly that I couldn't hear what anyone was saying. I remember walking home with my mom from the park not being able to see a thing. I don't know how I remember this incident, or if somehow along the lines I made up this visual representation in my memory of what I thought had occurred back then. All I know is that this vague memory of mine is the first concussion which I sustained in my life.

While growing up I was always the smaller kid. I had a late birthday and a late growth spurt, which is actually being studied by multiple university departments and is being called the relative age effect. This is the study of early birth dates versus late birth dates in athletes. The main focus of the study is on the athletic performance of athletes born in each of the birth date brackets. I feel that researchers should study the proneness of injury between the two brackets. I honestly believe that because I had a late birthday, I was more prone to injury at a young age because everyone had a head start in their physical and mental growth and development.

I first started playing minor hockey for the LaSalle Sabres when I was 5 years old. My minor hockey career was in the era of picking a player based on size over skill. Even though I was very skilled, I consistently got cut from AAA because of my size. I had to prove to the coaches that I could play with the bigger players. I had to show my heart and wear it on my sleeve. I swore to myself that no matter how hard I got hit, no matter how bad the pain was, I would never lie down on the ice. I always saw players lying on the ice after being injured, and I thought that was embarrassing and a sign of weakness. I held onto this promise until the day I retired from hockey. I eventually moved up to AAA with the Windsor Jr. Spitfires, which gave me the ultimate opportunity to be called up to the Tecumseh Chiefs in the Western Ontario Hockey League in my later AAA hockey years. I know that I sustained several concussions that I played through because of this mentality of showing no weakness in minor hockey. I would get dizzy and disorientated after being crushed by significantly bigger opponents.

I remember one particular game when I got crushed. I got up and skated to the bench. I looked up to see the score clock, and I couldn't read it; everything was fuzzy, and my head was pounding. I thought I'd simply got my bell rung—that was the common saying back then for the symptoms that occurred after a big hit. I thought it was normal, so I shook it off and continued playing that game and every succeeding game. I would get up right away and continue playing in every one of those situations. I didn't want to risk the chance that the coach would see me as a liability or have doubts about me playing with the bigger players. I wanted to prove that I could and deserved to play at that level. I did whatever it took.

I remember my friend Tyler Pratt sustained a concussion playing minor hockey when we were still in grade school. He was completely knocked out. I was at school on the playground when I first heard that Ty had sustained a concussion. I thought, what the hell is a concussion? No one really knew what it was. All we knew was that Ty had to take two days off hockey, yet he was still able to play basketball with us at recess. This was the first time I'd actually heard the term "concussion."

I played baseball and soccer in the summer months. In baseball I was the fastest player and could run the bases better than anyone had ever seen. My coaches would make me do anything to get on base. I wasn't the best hitter and didn't have a lot of weight behind me at the time, so I always got the bunt sign from the third base coach. They wanted me to get as close to the plate as possible to have a better chance of being hit by the pitch, just so I could get on base. I got hit more times than I can count, but I didn't mind it. I was a tough kid and loved the fact that I could steal bases like no other. Getting hit anywhere below my head didn't hurt me at all. I did get hit in the head, though, and I would get blurry vision and dizzy. I didn't think anything of it and believed it was normal. I mean, I just got hit in the head; what was the difference from having a sore shoulder or leg after being hit? I wasn't educated about concussions. The term was out there, but no one spoke about it or better yet, understood the term.

I remember one time in warm-ups before a huge ball tournament, I was warming up a pitcher when someone throwing the ball beside us tried to throw some type of eccentric pitch which was way off target, and it hit me in the forehead. I had a huge goose egg with the stitching imprinted in my skin. I went to the dugout, and my coach gave me ice. I remember being completely out of it and not feeling right. However, I played through it and finished the game. My mom was freaking out on the coach after the game, saying that he should have called her over to assess me or at least notify her about what had happened. I told her I was fine and to stop embarrassing me, but I couldn't blame her—she was just being a mom.

In soccer I was once again the fast, intense player. On throw-ins I would stand right in front of the player throwing in the ball. I'd jump and use my head to block the pass. I would get hit directly in the head 95 percent of the time, and I was proud of it; I made it a part of my game. I definitely got a few concussions doing that, though I can't remember any particular situation. How could I not get a few concussions after sustaining a ball being thrown at high velocity into my head from two feet away? I hit my head off the goal posts multiple times trying to save a ball or from playing hard in the crease. Every time that happened, I would see stars, just like in the cartoons.

I ended up specializing in hockey at 15 years old, giving up baseball and soccer so that I could focus on it. I worked at the AIM Hockey school as an instructor for NHL's Dallas Star scout Butch Ott; he later acted as my agent and sport consultant. He is an unbelievable man and helped my development as a person and hockey player. I hold the utmost respect for him. He was very strict because he brought over his military personality from when he served as a military captain in the Canadian Armed Forces. I was instructing alongside Steve Ott, Mike Weber, Jason Dixon and Kevin Westgarth, all who were much older than me and for the most part ended up playing in the National Hockey League. Needless to say, I was surrounded by the best hockey players in the area to guide my development. I was on the ice six hours a day followed by a few hours of dry land training. I didn't have any concussive symptoms at the time. I was completely healthy and recovered fully from all head injuries I'd sustained—or at least, I didn't know I had any symptoms. It wasn't until I started playing junior hockey at a full-time basis that my post-concussion symptoms started to intensify.

What's It Like to Feel Normal?

In my official first year of junior hockey at the age of 16, I made the Chatham Maroons in the WOHL, which is Junior B; the same league that my first team, the Tecumseh Chiefs played in. Unfortunately, I sustained a bad hit that tore my shoulder and sidelined me for a month at the beginning of the season. When I came back, I was told that players from their OHL affiliate were coming back, and they didn't want me to sit on the bench because I was still young. They wanted me to continue to develop, so they gave me my release to go down a level to play junior in the Great Lakes Junior Hockey League. I got called by the majority of the top teams in that league wanting me to sign with their respective organizations. After many discussions with my agent Butch Ott, my dad, and the respective organizations, I signed with the Wheatley Sharks. They offered me the most, and it seemed like a great fit for me at the time.