CHAPTER 1

Presence

Key #1 PRESENCE (Be still, observe, and listen)

The first key to unlocking the genius within our children is our abilityto be still and be present. From the moment our children are born,we have the opportunity to be present and observe their everymove. We learn how they like to be held, what their cries mean, andwhat makes them laugh. We find that parenting is most enjoyablewhen we are present, relaxed, and experience the world throughour children's eyes. The more we can share our child's perspective,the more we enjoy our role as a parent and all of the gifts this bundleof joy brings our way.

I recently had an opportunity to practice presence with one of mybest friend's children. Her daughter Nev is three year's old, andrecently has become one of my best friends. How did this happen?Well, Nev attends our preschool and daycare. Often, when she isin the daycare room, I will go in there to check in with the teachersand to observe the children at play. Nev loves to invite me to playwith her. As her enthusiasm is infectious, I can hardly resist. And,since we "play" about once a week in this fashion, we have becomebest friends.

Just last week, I invited Nev to go on a play date with me. My ownboys are teenagers now, and while I still love to do activities withthem, I don't get to play "babies" at the toy store. This was goingto be a blast and both Nev and I knew it! If you have never gone ona play date with a three year old, I highly recommend it. It is theperfect opportunity to practice presence, but it is also great forbuilding self-esteem. When I arrived to pick up Nev from her home,she leaped into my arms and gave me the biggest hug ever!

The joy of her greeting set the tone for the day.

Once Nev and I arrived at the toy store, I became lost in her world.I let her lead me from area to area and show me in her three-year-old way to play. From reading books, to puppet shows, to playingin the kitchen, to putting babies to sleep, I became lost in theworld of Nev. Before I knew it, an hour and a half had gone by. Iam embarrassed to say that while I often played with my own boyswhen they were young, I for the most part wasn't 100 percentpresent for them. I'd go with them to toy stores, the park, or thepool; but in my head, I usually had my own agenda. I did not taketime to be present and experience the world through their eyes asI did that day with Nev.

To "be present" is to live in the moment. People with great presenceare excellent listeners and truly care about the people they are withat any given moment. They are not thinking about past or the futurewhen in the presence of another. People with strong presence makethose around them feel important. Do you know anyone like this?

The enemy of presence is busyness. This can be in the form ofactual tasks performed or simply a busy mind. When we move frompresence to busyness, we tend to experience feelings of frustrationand impatience. Sometimes we even forget that our childrenare children and expect them to be like us and think like us. Wemistakenly think it is our child's job to change and become like us. Forexample, I absolutely love activities that quiet me. Some examplesof what I enjoy are great food, wine, enriching conversations, and aterrific jazz band. My youngest son enjoys more active activities. Heis happiest jumping on a trampoline, playing hockey, or racing on adirt bike. I used to try to get him to always take part in my interests.I justified this by telling him he needed to be well-rounded and seethe world from many points of view. As a result, my son is not apicky eater, he enjoys jazz music, and will even go with me to anart museum. This is wonderful, but by only trying to get my son tosee things my way instead of me also trying to see things his way,I was missing out on the lessons and gifts that he has to offer me.Once I decided to play football with him, jump on the trampoline,and learn to enjoy hockey, a whole new world opened up to me.While I still prefer a jazz concert to a hockey game, I find I now haveenriched my life by opening up my mind to new things. This is notonly true of participating in our child's hobbies and interests, but intheir thought process and emotions as well.

By being present, we can better coach our children through theiremotions. It is imperative that we, as the adult in our child's life, staycalm and demonstrate that our emotions are in control. I realizethis is very difficult while a child is throwing a tantrum, hitting, orrunning around—but we do need to model the correct emotionalbehavior. Having the patience to stay present with your child, andreally try to see what caused the reaction in the first place is soimportant. As adults, we like to assume or assess our children'sbehavior based on what we think they are thinking. Sometimes, weare very wrong. For example, just this morning a little girl in one ofour preschool rooms impulsively ran over and hit one of the newchildren who walked into the room. She wasn't angry at all with thischild, she was just overwhelmed with the emotion of excitement.Instead of shaming this excited little girl, her teacher simply verifiedher feelings, then coached her. It went something like this. "Suzy,I can tell you are so excited that Ellie is here today. I'm excited tooand I have all sorts of feelings about that. When we get that excited,let's jump up and down next time or clap our hands. We can't hitEllie because that hurts her." Then she had Suzy apologize to Ellie.Finally, before returning to play, the teacher had Suzy repeat backto her she will do next time.

Raising and teaching children is extremely rewarding when wewatch and listen carefully to them. Putting ourselves in the roleof a coach or teacher, versus a stern disciplinarian, gives us morepositive energy as well.

I will never forget the day I truly became a teacher. I was teachingin a middle school at the time. It was my first year in a middleschool after teaching in an elementary school for four years. Iabsolutely loved this particular class as I had taught them in thesecond grade, fifth grade, and then sixth grade. I had been able towatch my students grow up before my eyes, and I loved them. Theonly difficulty I had was that I was using the best methods I knew toreach them and I wasn't getting through. I remember pulling ideasfrom my own formative years and using strategies that worked sowell with me, but even those strategies were to no avail.

Finally, one of my students came up to me and said, "I know that youare doing your very best, and we love you for it, but the methodsyou are trying to use aren't working because you aren't watchingus." I had to think about that one for a bit. Sadly enough, he wasright! I was so busy thinking about what my college textbooks said,what my colleagues did, and what my own teachers had done, thatI wasn't looking at the audience at hand.

I began watching them—really watching them. And slowly, butsurely, they taught me how to teach them. Some of the greatestlessons that they taught me are as follows:

When they say that having music on helps them to focus—it does.

When they say that they need small breaks—they do.

When they say that movement helps them to remember—it does.

When they say that drawing helps them to focus and remember—itdoes.

When they say that it's boring—it is.

My pace isn't necessarily their pace.

My interests aren't necessarily their interests.

Their jokes are genuinely funny to them, even if not to me.

Their fears are real.

Talking things out helps adults to learn, so what makes us think thatchildren should be quiet?

Our children want to succeed. They are bright and know that theremust be a better way. If we are present with them, perhaps we canhelp them to rediscover the love of learning!

YOUR TURN

Practice being present with your children today. Start with thesesuggestions.

1. Sit next to your child as he plays and just be there withhim. Really observe him and try to see the world throughhis eyes and point of view. What did you learn that changeshow you think?

2. Simply observe your teen as she is with her friends. Makethis observation without judgment. Who is she and howdoes she perceive the world? How does she react in socialsituations? How does your perception of her change?

CHAPTER 2

Listen!

Key #2 LISTENING (Seeking to truly understand)

I have learned that by me listening to my children and how they think,I can better understand them and communicate more effectivelywith them. In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, StephenCovey explains how true listening involves seeking to understandthe other person first, before forming judgments or assumptions.I have found this to be especially important with children. Whenchildren do not feel safe enough to share their true feelings, theymay grow up feeling that they do not have a voice or that they arenot important.

Sometimes our children do things with the best of intentions, butunfortunately their judgment is incorrect and/or misguided. Asparents, we have the opportunity to gently guide our children andteach them, with love, the correct way to react to a situation.

One of the most important things children have taught me is thatthey will tell me what they need. The question is—am I listening?

As parents and teachers, we desire the best for our children, and yetsometimes, even though we have the best of intentions, we cannothear what our children are trying to tell us. Here are a few examplesof what sometimes happens.

Preconceived ideas: Sometimes when our children say one thing,we hear another. For example, when our child says, "I can't dothis; it is just too hard for me." We hear, "I'm lazy, and I don't feellike trying." So, instead of reaching out and saying, "Tell me what'shard. How can I help?" We say, "You can do this; you just need totry harder!" Or perhaps our child says, "Slow down, you're goingtoo fast!" and we hear, "I'm not paying attention." Instead of saying,"Thanks for telling me. No problem," we say, "You just need topay better attention!" These responses lead our children to feelfrustrated and unheard.

I recently was reminded of an incident where I reacted in fear,based on preconceived ideas, as a classroom teacher. I had theopportunity to meet one of my former students, Justin now age28, for a drink. I hadn't seen him since he was in high school andwas quite impressed as I listened to his accomplishments. As wecontinued to chat, he looked at me and said, "Oh by the way, thealbum cover that I brought to class was not a bad one." I looked athim blankly for a moment, and then all of a sudden I rememberedwhat he was referring to. The instance had happened over sixteenyears ago, but it was clear that it had deeply affected him. This wasnot my proudest moment as a teacher.

During our poetry unit in my sixth grade classroom, I asked thestudents to bring in one of their favorite songs to really analyze. Istated that the song must be school appropriate. Justin brought inhis song and was very excited to share it with me and the class. Itook one look at the cover of his album and deemed it inappropriate.I never even let him show me the song!

I am mortified today that this was my response. And clearly, this wasa memory that had stuck with Justin. Instead of listening to him, Imade a judgment that bothered him enough that sixteen years laterhe brought it up with me.

Lucky for me, I was given an opportunity to apologize to him andcorrect my wrong. I asked him how he had felt that day in class. Hestated that he was pretty disappointed as he had taken the time tochoose a song he felt really fit the assignment. It was a classic caseof me letting fear get in the way and inadvertently making a studentfeel shame instead of pride in the assignment. A more secure personwould have asked clarifying questions.

Have you ever experienced something similar with a friend, spouse,or significant other? You say something that means one thing,and they perceive what you've said to mean something entirelydifferent? Or perhaps they judge you as I judged Justin's choice inalbum covers. It's frustrating isn't it? However, as adults, when wefeel this way, we are dealing with someone who is our equal; thus,we can stand up for ourselves. Often children feel powerless. Theymay even yell or throw a tantrum in an attempt to feel heard!

Our past: Many times our expectations are built on what works forus or on how our teachers and/or parents taught us. For example, ifwe need quiet when we study and our child tells us that they neednoise to focus, we discount what they are saying because we cannotrelate. I get more into this in chapter 6, as this chapter is written tohelp us understand how our children learn best.

Fear: Because we love our children so much and desire for themto be reach their fullest potential, we sometimes are afraid we arenot doing the right thing. The one thing I know for sure is that if Imake a decision out of fear, it will end up not being a good one.For example, when our children come home with a poor grade, wesometimes over react because we are so fearful that they will geta poor grade again, or that these grades are somehow our fault. Abetter suggestion would be to help our children problem solve asolution. For example, do they need to ask their teacher for extrahelp, should they, in the future, ask questions right away when theydon't understand something?

When our children feel heard and their feelings are validated, theyfeel safe. We know that safe children have strong self-esteems,confidence, and excellent problem solving abilities. These are allgreat reasons to motivate us as parents and educators to listen toour children.

I learned the importance of validation when I was nine years old,and it has truly helped me as I parent and teach. Even as a youngchild, I believed in the importance of honesty. I truly believed inletting people know what I really thought, and I greatly dislikedwhen people said one thing to a person's face, but then talked aboutthem differently behind their back. It's not that I didn't sometimesdo this myself, but when I did, I felt obligated to eventually tell theperson.

As you can see, there were some definite flaws in my theory, andthis somewhat backfired on me when my sharing what I had heardgreatly hurt one of my best friends—Ana. She went home and toldher mom I said that because she was an only child, she struggled withsharing. Her mother called the school stating that I had offended herchild and had deeply hurt her feelings.

My teacher's approach was to make me sit in for recess. I rememberfeeling very scared and confused. I knew in my heart I would nevernever say anything to hurt my dear friend. I had simply shared withher what others were saying behind her back in an effort to help herimprove her behavior. My teacher's reaction was that of fear in thatshe didn't want me to hurt others, yet that was never my intention.If my teacher had taught me about how to filter my thoughts andchoose gentle words to hone my communication skills, I would havelearned a beneficial life-long lesson.

The lesson I learned that day was to make sure that I do listen. Ineed to hear my children's and student's intentions before I makea judgment statement as to what I think they are thinking. This hashelped me run both a calmer home and classroom.

Much research has been done on the importance of active listening.This can be accomplished by validating what someone is sayingwithout making judgment statements or putting words in theirmouth. For example, when our child comes home and says, "I'm sostupid! I hate English class, and I hate my teacher!" It is far betterto say, "Wow! Today must have been a tough day, tell me aboutit." Other than saying, "You are not stupid, and I don't like youtalking about your teacher that way." If we first allow our childrento express what they are truly feeling, we can help them get to theroot of the problem, and then guide them to find solutions. As wedo this with our children, our children in turn can learn effectivelistening and validating skills as well.

Teaching children how to listen is crucial. A way to help childrenunderstand what listening is to define it for them. I tell childrenthat listening is defined as "being able to repeat back that whichthe messenger has said." I go on to say, "If you can tell me what I'vesaid, well then you have listened."

Have you ever asked your child to complete a series of tasks onlyto find one or none of them completed? For example, I rememberasking my oldest son to brush his teeth, put on his pj's, and get intobed with a book. When I checked in on him in his room, none whatI asked was done. Why is this? Well, when I asked him to do thesethings, he was highly engaged in play. He answered me by saying,"OK," but he truly didn't hear a word I said.