CHAPTER 1

Who Am I?

Have you seen the Disney movie Anastasia? It is the storyof a ten-year-old Russian princess who is separated fromher family. Anastasia receives a wound to her head and is leftwith amnesia. By the time she reaches the age of eighteen, shelongs to know who she is and hopes to find a better life. Onher search she discovers her true identity and finds her truelove. Finding the truth about her heritage replaces yearningand confusion with belonging and the seeds of confidence.The girl who emerges, although timid in confidence, is verystrong in character. She has found her identity.

Anastasia certainly isn't the only one on an identityquest. Recently I read about a club for loners. To join, anapplicant must write to a certain address and explain why she(or he) enjoys being alone. In return she will receive "lonerparaphernalia," the assurance that her name will be includedon an exclusive list, and the promise that—once identified asa loner—she will be left alone. Even the most reclusive andwithdrawn people in our society need to feel that they belongto something. They need "identity."

Young girls try to gain a sense of identity in myriad ways:fashions, hairstyles, activities, jewelry, attachments to rockbands, wealth, size of home, family name and heritage, justto name a few. Their sense of identity shapes who they are. Itaffects their goals and basic belief systems, leading to confidenceor insecurity, rest or restlessness, hope or hopelessness.

Thankfully, our daughters' identities do not need to bedependent on such changeable external forces as trends, looks,and personal image. As believers, we hope to communicatethat everyone's true identity is based on her position in Christand on her inner qualities. But convincing a young girl of thisreality may not be as easy as it sounds. As moms, we need tobe prepared.

Our daughters are uniquely created by God to blossomand grow into beautiful women of His design. These preciousflowers are both tender and strong. Some don't know theirstrength, while others exert it too frequently. The tender side isoften hidden with time. How can we water and prune the flowers,expose them to the light, accept and fashion the thorns todisplay strength and protection, and explore with love all theshades of color in the petals?

Will we do it perfectly? No. Will we make mistakes? Yes.But our daughters are part of God's garden, and He will alwaysguard and protect His own. He knows our finite capabilities, andHe promises to give us His wisdom and discernment as we seekHim with a whole heart. Isn't it amazing that He has entrustedHis precious, developing girl children to us?

It is necessary for us to look closely and lovingly at ourdaughters, to see beyond their youthful charades in order tounderstand their needs.

A wealthy couple stayed in an exclusive private club inParis with their two young daughters. One night their oldestdaughter showed up at a dinner party—where her parents'friends were present—dressed in black leather and accompaniedby a "forbidden" companion. The youngest daughter,looking innocent as a lamb, claimed to be tired and left theparty early. Before returning to the hotel, she sneaked off tosee a cute "English Prince Charming" she had met in an elevatorearlier that day. The parents were very concerned about theovertly disturbed older daughter, and compared her to their"perfect" daughter who was in bed asleep when they arrivedat the hotel after midnight.

Both girls were clamoring for the same guidance fromMom and Dad. They simply had different ways of communicatingtheir needs. It eventually came out that the youngerdaughter was sneaking out regularly and putting herself incompromising positions with various boys. The parents wereshocked, but they finally recognized that both girls were cryingout in their own ways, "Help me find out who I am!"

We parents are often tempted to fix the crisis situation—whateverit is—quickly. Ban the trendy clothes. Impound theCDs. Confiscate the makeup. Provide a crash course in appropriateand inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex. Thesesolutions may be good and necessary, but they will only betemporary unless we deal with one specific core question.

How can we help our daughters answer the question, whoam I?

In the movie Titanic, the leading female character, Rose,has a very predictable life. She was born into wealth with theunderstanding that she might lose it all if she doesn't marrywell. She is expected to use her position in society to protecther family name and carry on her privileged legacy.

Rose appears to know who she is and what is expected ofher. Yet inside she sees someone else—someone who doesn'tfit her mother's expectations and is crying to get out and awayfrom the cold, overbearing man she is to marry.

Desperate, Rose decides to end her life. Rather than livinga lifetime without love or freedom, she will throw herself offthe Titanic into the icy waters below.

Her suicide plans are halted by a young man named Jack.Afterward, Jack asks Rose why she had tried to jump off thegreat ship. She responds, "It was everything—my whole worldand the people in it, and the inertia of my life plunging ahead,and me powerless to stop it.... I was standing in the middleof a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and noone even looked up."

Jack helps Rose break out of the mold. Later, when thesinking of the Titanic frees her of her obligations, she findsthe courage and strength to live out the kind of life she wasoriginally designed to live.

With God's help, we won't have to see our daughters makehuge mistakes, latch on to the wrong friends, or face tragedybefore they learn who they are and how God has uniquelydesigned them to fill a special place in the world.

When our daughters are seeking out who they really are asyoung women, it's key for Mom to know her own identity.Women can struggle with knowing who they are—and whosethey are—in even the most stable of families, but the life-shatteringnature of divorce can raise all kinds of questionsabout identity.

With the fall of my own marriage, my identity changed.No longer was I wife and mother, but now mom/workingmom/breadwinner. How would I deal with these changes andstill guide my daughters to develop into strong, godly youngwomen?

Many women who find themselves suddenly single try tofind a new romantic relationship to create stability, providecompanionship, or fill the void of the dream that died. Thisoften leads to developing false intimacy.

Psychotherapist Don Carter and his wife, counselor AngieCarter, discuss on their website the dangers of false intimacy:

False intimacy is often mistaken for true love because it canbe intense....

Beneath the waterline of awareness ... lies the emotionalwoundedness of abandonment, shame, and contempt.

The abandonment represents the original emotionalwounds caused by unmet dependency needs, the shame is anemotional infection that sets in, and the "scab of contempt"represents all of the crusty feelings of anger, bitterness, &resentment that come from having to live this way.

Understanding false intimacy helped me see more clearlyhow true intimacy—the kind that God created for us to experiencein marriage—functions. As my daughters have matured,we've talked about what true intimacy looks like because theydidn't get to see it modeled in their own home. The temptationof false intimacy is strong, but ultimately it does not allow awoman to stay focused in her own identity in Christ.

I have spoken with women who believe they need to seekdivorce and single moms who are dealing with its aftermath.We all agree that God hates divorce. It is never the best option.No matter the reason for the separation, how much support wehave, or how bad the situation in the marriage is, divorce is aheartbreaking process. Central to reclaiming our identities isremembering that God has a plan and a purpose for you andfor me. It starts when we come before Him humbly to seekforgiveness and grace, asking that God would reveal our ownsin and bring healing so the same issues won't be repeated inanother marriage. We must live what we tell our girls: It's notabout finding the right person; it's about being the right personbefore God so that we will know whether a relationship is a giftfrom Him or is a distraction or a temptation. It's about dailywalking with Him, hearing His voice, and moment by momentseeking to honor Him first and foremost with our lives.

Discovering and Developing Natural Gifts

Whether mother or daughter, our true identities as women aremore clearly defined as we seek God to understand how He createdus and for what purpose. Some moms and their girls sharesimilar gifts; other mothers and daughters are gifted in totallydifferent areas. Either way, it's important to note that we aretalking about developing our daughters' gifts, not our own. Wemoms are sometimes tempted to blur the boundaries betweenour girls and ourselves. (More about that later.) Let's be clearup front: we cannot project our own dreams or goals on ourdaughters. Each girl, young as she may be, has a life of her ownto live. It's so easy for us to enroll them in ballet or sign them upfor the swim team or teach them French because that is what wedid. Yes, it's important to expose them to many different activities,but after the exposure, we need to ask two very importantquestions: Does this activity complement her natural gifts? Isher participation unnatural or forced?

Janie was ten, and she had taken horseback-riding lessonssince her third birthday. She enjoyed riding, but what shereally wanted was to take another gymnastics class. It wasn'tthat she was fickle—Janie's uncle had had a terrible accidenton his horse and was almost killed. This frightened Janie, andshe soon learned that all of her other cousins had discontinuedtheir lessons. But Janie's mother was an accomplished riderand wanted her daughter to be the same. She insisted thatJanie continue.

If Janie had loved riding, it would have been importantfor her to learn from the tragedy, to overcome her fear andnot to let it keep her from riding. However, this was not thecase. Instead, she suffered a great deal of emotional upheavalbecause her mother insisted that she carry on with her lessons.This mom was convinced that what was good for herwas good for Janie too—a classic example of a mother vicariouslyliving out her dreams through her daughter. Motherswho behave this way want to either relive past glories throughtheir daughters or live out a dream that was never fulfilled intheir own lives. Bottom line—it's bad for everybody.

God has designed each one of us with a unique purpose inlife, and it is essential that we bring up our daughters accordingto God's plan and purpose. Proverbs 22:6 gives parents acommand with a promise: "Train up a child in the way [she]should go, even when [she] is old [she] will not depart from it."We train them through both wisdom and instruction, but theemphasis is on training them in the ways God has designedfor them to walk. As moms, we quite naturally want the bestfor our children. Often it's easier for us to encourage them inthe areas in which we are comfortable, rather than in seekingtheir strengths, which can often lead into unfamiliar territory.

What activity seems to make your daughter smile? Whatmotivates her? What causes her to talk excitedly about herefforts? Is it something you are able to share with her, or isit something she's discovered on her own? Take the time toreflect on her likes and dislikes, on what energizes her andwhat bores her, on what brings out her creative talents andwhat seems to stifle her. Ask God to help you help her to discoverthe gifts, talents, and potential He has placed inside yourdaughter, and try to work wholeheartedly with her to developthem to their fullest potential.

Know Her Natural Personality

The answer to "Who am I?" isn't just found in what ourdaughters like to do. It's also important for us to know whatthey are really like on the inside. Is your daughter an introvertor an extrovert? Which would appeal more to her, attendingthe next party or a chance to curl up with her favorite book?Does she have a quick temper or an easygoing style? Can youdescribe your daughter's temperament?

No one has done more to help clarify personality temperamentsthan Tim and Beverly LaHaye. I first met them whenthey came to our church when I was in junior high school.Later, after my mother began working closely with Beverly onConcerned Women for America, she and I went to Washington,DC, to attend several meetings, and there I was able to spendsome time with Beverly. She is a compassionate woman whois deeply committed to Christian causes and to bringing theminto public awareness.

Our conversation turned to different personality types, soI posed questions about temperaments and how they relate torelationships. Beverly led me to her office, where she gave meseveral of the books she and her husband have written on thesubject. Our conversation that day helped me see the importanceof understanding temperaments, and now that I havechildren of my own, I often remind myself of their differingstyles and characteristics.

Here's one example of how awareness of temperamentscan be helpful. Mary was a beautiful and independent childwho formed an opinion about everything. At home she washappy and talkative, but in new situations she was very shy.For her true personality to come out, she needed to be verycomfortable.

When Mary enrolled in a new school, her mother had totake her to visit the classroom several times so she could feelprepared for the first day of classes. It took Mary a long timeto get used to new social situations, and yet at home she couldtake just about anything in stride. Mary's personality baffledher mother until she discovered the four personality traits:melancholy, choleric, sanguine, and phlegmatic. She was ableto see that Mary was a melancholy-choleric child. Outside ofthe home Mary was very melancholy, but at home the cholericside of her personality shone.

Let's look more closely at each of the four personalitytraits. See if you can find aspects of your daughter's personalityamong the following descriptions, bearing in mind thatmost of us possess combinations of at least two temperaments.

Sanguine

Sally Sanguine is outgoing and fun. She gets invited toeverything because she is the life of the party. The room lightsup when Sally enters, and she is never at a loss for words. Herstories, although usually embellished, are the most entertaining.She is very generous with her time, talents, and resources,and she shows great compassion to those in need.

People are drawn to Sally's charismatic and enthusiasticpersonality, yet they become frustrated with her lack of discipline,organization, and follow-through. Her room is usuallya mess because her focus is on people. She will quickly becomeyour "new best friend," but she has a hard time fulfilling thepromises that she makes in the moment.

Sally's outgoing personality often covers up a fearfuland insecure girl, and this emotional instability can surfacein unhealthy relationships. Situational ethics tend to rule aSanguine's heart, so it's important that Sally learn to acceptfull responsibility for her actions and understand that herweaknesses can be overcome as she learns to walk through lifein God's power, not her own.

Choleric

Chloe Choleric is an independent, confident leader whois constantly active. People are drawn to her ability to makedecisions and see the big picture. She is a visionary who knowshow to motivate people and plan worthwhile projects. She isvery determined, optimistic, and decisive. Those who lackthese qualities look to Chloe for strength and direction. If sheis told, "It can't be done!" that is not a roadblock, but rathera challenge to figure out how to accomplish the impossible ...and she usually does it successfully!

Because she is very self-sufficient and opinionated, othersoften feel less important or used in the process of interactingwith Chloe. The project seems to be the focus, and friends areoften left with hurt feelings. Her anger may not be as explosiveas Sally's, but it can be cruel and has a stronger effect on those inits path. While Sally will seek forgiveness, Chloe will tend to seenothing wrong with her actions and proceed to justify them untilall opposition gets on her page. The breaking point for a cholericis to recognize and relinquish her pride (which is what precedes afall). When she realizes that it is not by her might or power thatthings are accomplished, but only by the Spirit of the Lord, thenher gifts can be the most effective.