Trading My Sorrows

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

1. A WIDOW'S HEART Where is my redeemer?.......................................................................12. BLUE SKIES Why is the sky so blue when my loved one is gone?................................................83. MRS. ... WHO? Who is the widow in God's eyes?...............................................................114. SUNDAY IS THE LONELIEST DAY How do I remember that the purpose is to worship?...............................155. THE COMFORT OF ROUTINE What does God's unfailing love have in common with chores?...........................186. CHRISTMAS LIMBO When will my grief ever turn to joy?........................................................207. RENDING & MENDING How does the parable of the persistent widow apply to my prayer life?.....................228. MRS. G—GENEROUS, GIVING, OR GRINCH How do I give Him my all?..........................................269. NEAR MISS Will I trust Him with my life?....................................................................3010. TOO BUSY TO GRIEVE How do I make time to grieve?...........................................................3211. THE BREAKING POINT What gain is there in my destruction?...................................................3512. BITTERSWEET FELLOWSHIP Who will Weep with Me?..............................................................3813. OPEN HEART—REDEMPTION IN PROGRESS Why can I rejoice in suffering?....................................4114. PLEASE DON'T ERASE THE MEMORIES How can I keep the memories?...............................................4415. MOURNING INTO DANCING How can the Lord turn our mourning into dancing?.....................................4616. CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED Will There Be A Second Marriage?................................................4917. TRAVEL LESSONS What can travel teach us?...................................................................5118. WHAT IF IT IS ... CANCER? How do you rest in the Lord while fearing the worst?.............................5519. IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH What does loving again require?..................................................5820. BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME What was your song?...................................................................6121. REBUILDING A LIFE How will He rebuild my life?.............................................................6322. I'M TRADING MY SORROWS How can I live a joy-filled life?...................................................65

Chapter One

After ten years of marriage, my husband and I had saved up for a beautiful quilted comforter set of greens, golds, and maroons to adorn our bed. That comforter was just the right weight to protect us from the evening chill, and I loved the spectrum of color it displayed in the morning light. The quilt represented the patterns, squares, threads, and filling of our married lives that offered us comfort through the night as we confessed our heartbreaks, our dreams, worries in raising our children, along with our prayers. Gradually, the washings and the "wear and tear of life" loosened the threads and revealed small imperfections in the design exposing the underside. In a similar way, Dave's sudden death of colon cancer ripped the fabric of what had always been our way of life.

I found "life after the funeral" a very vulnerable time period. As a response to that vulnerability, I would journal about my thoughts, feelings of grief, and desires. My journal is a patchwork collection of letters written to the Lord through my struggles of seeing how the Lord was working in my life after the death of my beloved spouse. It also contains the lessons God continues to teach me as I alone raise our children to adulthood.

I came to know the saving grace of Jesus Christ as a six-year-old child who lay in a hospital bed recovering from a tonsillectomy that had gone bad. I had lost a lot of blood when my stitches broke in the middle of the night. I remember my grandparents' pastor, Reverend Winters, came to pray for me, and I recovered. In my limited understanding, I knew the Lord had saved my physical life and equated spiritual salvation as meaning the same thing. I pestered Rev. Winters for years to baptize me, because in my mind I had been saved. He finally relented when I was ten years old and I understood what salvation meant.

As a teenager in tenth grade, I knew that the Lord had called me to teach. My parents tried to persuade me to pursue a more profitable career, but I was determined to teach. I rededicated my life to serve the Lord in college. Jesus Christ has always been there for me and He daily reminds me, "Do not be discouraged or dismayed, for the Lord, your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). This scripture has become my reassuring life verse.

In July of 2004, my beloved husband of eighteen and a half years went home to be with Lord. David passed away suddenly from untreated colon cancer. It was an extremely difficult time, but one bittersweet memory I hold in my heart is that the day before he died, we sang "How Great Thou Art" around his hospital bed. He could not talk or sing with us, but his eyes teared up as he was greatly moved. David is in the awesome presence of God. The Lord is my redeemer.

The events of Dave's death left my family shocked, grieving, and with an altered family structure, never to be the same again. Only the week before, we attended a national conference in New Orleans where I was able to share the results of my dissertation study with other educators. I was so glad to have David there. He had been my dream support through the doctoral program that ended in 2003. He had allowed me to dream. I also think it was the first time he really understood what I had been working on. This memory is comforting.

I was instantly reassured, as a believer in Jesus Christ, that David's death meant he was in a better place in glory. I would not wish for him to endure more pain and suffering. The lucky guy is with the Lord; how cool is that?

However, his absence left a void in our lives. Leslie Haskin (2007), survivor of 9/11 and author of Held wrote, " Not only are we faced with the physical loss, but we also face the loss of potential, which could have been" (p. 18). Our identity changes. My children were fatherless and I was without the spouse I was to grow old with. My dream of growing old with my husband was gone!

We would have to depend on God's grace to get us through. I went into survival mode, knowing the Lord would sufficiently provide grace. "It doesn't matter how prepared we are or aren't. A loved one's death always leaves us feeling numb and disoriented" (Haskin, 2007, p. 19).

Grief is a fickle thing. I knew my husband was completely healed in the presence of my Lord Jesus Christ, but I struggled surviving this life without my best friend on earth. I suddenly found myself single again with children. Grief is not linear; grief does not follow any blueprint. The responsibilities of single parenting are overwhelming. "Lord, how do I do this?" is a constant prayer.

Turning to the scriptures for answers became a matter of survival and spiritual growth. Ruth 1:1, "Elimelech had taken his family and left Judah to move to Moab to avoid a famine. There his two sons married Moabite women" (NIV). Where in the Bible can you find not just one widow but three widows in the same book? The book of Ruth. In this book of Ruth, you find three widows (Naomi) who lost her husband Elimelech and her two sons, Maholon and Killion. Ruth was the widow of Mahlon. And Orphah was the widow of Killion.

What I find interesting is how these women respond to their grief. Naomi heard that the Lord had provided food in Judah. In verse 6, Naomi is in survival mode and has her daughters prepare to return home to Judah. Moving back home would be their salvation. In verse 9, we begin to see Naomi having second thoughts about having the two daughters she loved return to Judah with her. She instructs them to return home to their mother's home. Naomi is feeling hopeless. She has no husband and no children. "Even if I thought there was hope for me ... because the Lord's hand has gone out against me." In Ruth 1:12–13, Orphah returns to her home to her old way of life. Ruth chooses to stay with Naomi. What a sacrifice! Ruth was sacrificing a husband and children. She entered Judah as a foreigner. I am also struck by the thought that Naomi and Ruth had such a sweet fellowship, even in their grief.

Hannah Hurnard, author of Hinds' Feet on High Places (1975), recounts the story of the character "Much Afraid" who travels a journey to the High Places. The Great Shepherd directs her to make the journey. Much Afraid is crippled, has a crooked smile, and is given two unlikely companions to assist her in her journey, Sorrow and Suffering. Much Afraid learns lessons throughout the journey with the intentional goal of reaching the High Places to be with the Great Shepherd. She reaches a point of despair, when once again she must turn away from the High Places. At this point, Much Afraid considers turning back to her old way of life and giving up on the goal of reaching the High Places and being with the Great Shepherd. Much Afraid's devotion is tested.

She recalls the scriptures of Ruth 1:16–17, "Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; thy people shall be my peoples and thy God, My God. And where thou diest, will I die, and there will be buried."

Everyone has a choice to make when they encounter loss, just as Ruth had to make a choice to leave or stay with Naomi. Much Afraid also had to make such a choice in her journey to follow or to leave "the awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without him [the Lord] had so staggered her heart she had, but one passionate desire, not for the things which the shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she ever wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever" (Hurnard, 1975, pp. 175–6). Much Afraid added "Nothing else really matters, only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist" (Hurnard, 1975, p. 176).

Naomi accepted Ruth as her traveling companion, just as Much Afraid accepted the companions of Sorrow and Suffering. "It was as though [Sorrow and Suffering] walked close beside her and went hand–in-hand simply for friendship's sake and for the joy being together" (Hurnard, 1975, p. 177). I have experienced the sweet fellowship that occurs when one hurting heart shares with another. The Young Widows Fellowship is a local group that meets once a week for lunch. It is a safe place to share, heal, and learn to have fun again, because others understand the pain and daily frustrations that are part of widowhood.

But Naomi's homecoming was not joyful. She tells everyone not to call her Naomi, as that name means "pleasant," but to call her Mara, which means "bitter." Naomi was grieving and was letting everyone know. She said, "I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty." I commend her brutal honesty. It is a step toward healing. Even her blaming God, which sounds blasphemous, is part of the grieving process. Her original ideal of the Lord was under construction. Her dream for her old life was shattered.

Do you have shattered dreams? Larry Crabb, author of Shattered Dreams, penned the following words as he thought Jesus would speak to those with shattered dreams. "Some of your fondest dreams will shatter, and you will be tempted to lose hope. I will seem to you callous or worse. Weak unresponsive to your pain. You will wonder if I cannot do anything or simply will not" (Crabb, 2001, p.46). [1]

Back to Naomi's story. How would the Lord restore Naomi's shattered dreams? Naomi has a small glimmer of hope when "the barley harvest was beginning." This is an indicator that all is not lost and that Naomi's faith is slowly being restored. We all know the story where an obedient Ruth is sent out to collect the leftovers from the harvest that should sustain the family of two. Ruth finds favor with a kinsman named Boaz. Naomi begins to see the hand of the Lord in all of the events that led up to a marriage between Ruth and Boaz. Boaz chooses to take on the role of kinsman redeemer. We are familiar with the happy ending of marriage, and later a child, Obed, is born. Naomi learned that the Lord can redeem the painful events of loss of Elimelech and her two sons and still provide joy and contentment of providing a family (Ruth and Boaz) while holding her grandchild (Obed) on her lap. She has found joy again. She knows that no matter what happens, the Lord is the ultimate kinsman redeemer of our lives.

We have the advantage of seeing this story from beginning to end, but we often lack this advantage in our life. I have no idea what is in store for this widow, her teenage son, and her young-adult daughter, but "I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to take that which I have given, unto Him against that day" (2 Timothy 1:12). He is my redeemer. He will provide a new dream. He will turn my ashes into joy. Years ago, I could not fathom my life without my husband. Now, I cannot fathom my life without the Lord's daily presence.

There is no way to conclude when the ultimate redemption for my life will occur, but I want to intimately know my redeemer. I want to hear the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I want to offer Him my messes, my problems, my incessant worries, my unforgiving and hardened heart, and let Him redeem them. When I have committed it to the Lord, I have seen the promises of redemption fulfilled.

Just as my patchwork quilt needs repair, so I need healing and new squares to replace "what used to be" to "it is what it is" to "what it will be one day." I confess, I have no idea what the finished product will look like, but I know just as I can take my patchwork quilt to one who knows how to repair it, so the Lord can redeem this widow's heart and those she loves.

BLUE SKIES Why is the sky so blue when my loved one is gone?

by Vicki Rudicel [Jesus is] the one who loves us, gives us an overwhelming victory in all these difficulties. —Romans 8:37

My favorite time is fall ... when the world is ablaze with color—even the sky seems bluer than any other time of the year. It was such a day on October 4, 1970, the day I married my high school sweetheart. Among so many other wonderful things about that day, I have never forgotten how brightly the sun shone and how strikingly blue the sky was.

I did not know I would lose my sweetheart not long after our thirty-first anniversary. In the fall of 2001 we discovered that Charles was very ill. It was not long after the tragic day in September when we were attacked by terrorists on 9/11. For some time, I had been reflecting on those events—putting myself in the place of all the families who lost so much that day—those who had lost loved ones. I thought about the apostle Paul, who teaches us that, in Christ, we can be content, whether we have little or a lot and that we are to live a life of thanksgiving. I call it "thanks-living." And I was giving thanks to God for all that I had: my family, my home, running water, electricity, and even a yard to mow. And He gave me a renewed sense of contentment for every aspect of my life. Then, all of a sudden, the reality of mortality hit us between the eyes ... a CAT scan revealed that my husband had something terribly wrong with his liver.

We would spend the next three months trying to determine if he truly had cancer—with still no answers on the day he left us to be with the Lord eternally. An autopsy was our final confirmation.

It was winter, but it wasn't that year. It was unseasonably warm, even through December and January. Charles died on February 6. We buried him the following Saturday. Again, I have never forgotten how beautiful the day was. It was warm enough to wear light jackets and, yes, the sun shined so brightly and the sky was, once again, strikingly blue and oh-so-beautiful ... just like the day we had committed our lives to one another.

In the midst of our tragedy, even though our hearts were breaking, God's face was shining upon us, and He brought us peace that surpasses understanding and overwhelming victory.

I pray that if you have not been able to come to grips with your losses in life, that you will find a way to see God's overwhelming victory in the midst of your tragedy as well!

Dear Lord: we know that, even as we find victory in You, everything in this life will not be all right. But we know that we can seek You and You will hear us and remind us of Your victory over Satan. And that, through Your victory, we can also have victory in You! AMEN!

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Trading My Sorrowsby Jerry Woodbridge Vicki Rudicel Copyright © 2010 by Jerry Woodbridge & Vicki Rudicel. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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