Communication is the most important facet in any relationship, and the lack of it is also unarguably the major challenge that exists among people in this society. In A Time to Talk and a Time to Listen, author and relationship counsellor Tinuola M. Agbabiaka presents practical advice on ways to achieve more effective communication within relationships. This guide provides a thorough understanding of what communication is and discusses the different ways people communicate. It serves as a handbook for facilitating clear and effective communication among couples, their children, in-laws, relatives, neighbours, and friends, and in turn helps achieve healthier relationships among all concerned. Filled with practical tips to help families grow closer, A Time to Talk and a Time to Listen helps ensure relationships are nurtured the right way by speaking, listening, and understanding one another clearly and effectively.

A Time to Talk and a Time to Listen

A Practical Guide to Communication in the HomeBy Tinuola M. Agbabiaka

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Tinuola M. Agbabiaka
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-0516-8

Contents

INTRODUCTION......................................................1Chapter One What Is Communication?................................3Chapter Two In the Home...........................................15Chapter Three With Your Spouse....................................23Chapter Four In The Bedroom.......................................35Chapter Five About Your Children..................................43Chapter Six With The Children.....................................47Chapter Seven Relatives...........................................55Chapter Eight In-Laws.............................................65Chapter Nine Friends, Neighbours & Hired Help.....................75Chapter Ten Family................................................79AFTERWORD.........................................................83

Chapter One

WHAT IS COMMUNICATION?

"The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship". - Deborah Tannen

Communication is simply put, an exchange between two people. It is a lot more than speaking or hearing. It must be given and received for it to be complete. There are various forms of communication; however the key thing is that communication must be given and accepted for it to be effective.

While many of us feel communication is all about spoken words, statistics show it constitutes only about 7% of communicating. A look, glance or gesture, which constitutes body language, also communicates. Sometimes, words are not necessary. The rest consists of facial expression, tone of voice, body language, perception etc.

Communication can either be deliberate or not deliberate. It differs from culture to culture. What means one thing in one culture may mean something else in another culture.

Everyone has the ability to communicate in one form or the other. Communication is not limited to speech alone. We use a lot of our body parts to communicate. We can communicate with our mouth, hands, eyes, body language etc. There are basically two types of communication —spoken and unspoken. Communication must be constantly present in a relationship for it to survive. It is the only way of keeping up with each other as part of a family or team. As individuals, we change daily as those we interact with also do. Words that we hear and those places that we go influence and change our attitude and perception towards life. Therefore, communication between couples is essential to ensure that the two parties are on the same page, growing together and are not living separate lives.

VERBAL — SPOKEN WORDS

"By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life."- Jean Baptiste Girard

Spoken words constitute verbal communication. It involves speech and is vast. In every long-term relationship, verbal communication must be present in order not to be frustrated. Even in inter-racial and inter-tribal relationships, there must be a common language for both parties to converse in to ensure the survival of the union. Every country has its own language with various tribes and religions that also have their local language and/or dialect. Therefore, verbal communication must necessarily include the understanding of the language spoken by any two individuals.

Words must be spoken to the receiver for the communication process to start. Firstly, the speaker must have a clear understanding of the language in order to effectively use it to communicate his/ her thoughts while the recipient must understand the words being spoken. For example, if all the sweet words are spoken to me in French and I do not understand a word of French, it would mean nothing to me.

• POWER OF WORDS

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits". Proverbs 18:21 NASB

Words that proceed out of our mouths are very powerful. They can bring either life or death. Be careful what you say to others and especially what you say to yourself. Negative words eventually translate to negative actions while positive words become positive actions.

According to ancient history, a Greek philosopher asked his servant to provide the best dish possible. The servant prepared a dish of tongue, saying, "It is the best of all dishes, because with it we may bless and communicate happiness, dispel sorrow, remove despair, cheer the faint hearted, inspire the discouraged, and say a hundred other things to uplift mankind." Later the philosopher asked his servant to provide the worst dish of which he could think. A dish of tongue appeared on the table. The servant said, "It is the worst, because with it we may curse and break human hearts; destroy reputations; promote discord and strife; set families, communities, and nations at war with each other." He was a wise servant.

• EDIBLE WORDS

"Be careful of the words you say, keep them short and sweet. You never know, from day to day, which ones you'll have to eat."- Anonymous

Yes, words can be eaten! When we eat words according to the idiom, we take them back and/or admit we were wrong with our statement. We must be careful about the words we speak. It is better to be a man/woman of little words than to be a talkative. When we talk too much, we are prone to not being able to carefully choose our words.

Words can also bear fruits, therefore whichever we deem fit to give to someone else; we will surely eat of its fruit. If you speak life with your words, you will definitely eat its fruit. Also, if you speak death, you will eat the fruits. We must be careful of the words that proceed out of our mouths.

• BENEFICIAL WORDS

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 NASB

Words that are not beneficial to anyone should not be spoken. We must think and process our thoughts before letting it out. Words spoken must necessarily be of benefit to either the speaker or the listener. Before voicing out thoughts, it is important to check if it is of any benefit.

• CARELESS WORDS

"Bu I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgement" Matthew 12:36 NASB

How often do we speak before thinking? We should take time out to process our thoughts with the following checklist:

Am I using the right words?

Am I directing the words to the right person?

What do I hope to achieve by using these words?

Will it add value to the recipient?

Must I speak these words?

Processing the above checklist quickly will most likely serve as a check for us to refrain from speaking carelessly. Indeed, it is important that we choose our words carefully and ensure the words that proceed out of our mouths have been carefully processed, as we will surely give account for them.

• HURTFUL WORDS

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things". Philippians 4:8 KJV

Words that come out of our mouths are first processed in the mind. The thoughts of your heart will often proceed out of the mouth. Sometimes, this happens in moments of anger or extreme frustration. At times, we blurt out words unknowingly and they are what we were actually thinking. In order not to say the wrong words, we must ensure that our thoughts are clean and try as much as possible to think good of all. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" -Luke 6:45.

NON-VERBAL — UNSPOKEN WORDS

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." - Peter F. Drucker

It is often said that non-verbal communication can be more powerful than verbal as it, most times, overrides verbal communication.

• TONE OF VOICE

The tone used in speaking is very important. Your tone may say more than the words you speak and/or pass on more than you intend to. It is so powerful that when there is a conflict between your tone and your words, and a struggle for supremacy, your tone usually supersedes as the recipient would be more affected by your tone rather than the actual words used. A harsh tone will not pass on lovely messages to the recipient no matter how many nice words are used. On the other hand too, a soft tone will not help delivery in a situation whereby the aim is to show anger. The tone of voice must match the words in order to achieve effective communication. We must remember therefore that in speaking, what we say may not be as important as how we say it.

WHAT CONSTITUTES TONE OF VOICE?

Quality of voice — This is made up of pitch, volume, and style of speaking and delivery mode.

a) Expression — The way words are expressed also influences the tone. Expressions must be commensurate with the words used and must match to effectively convey the right message. Harsh and loud words will most probably illustrate anger and displeasure while soft, murmuring, soothing tones can express pleasure or bliss. A high pitch tone may illustrate excitement. A tone that rises in pitch at the end of a sentence indicates a question, whilst one that is nasal and choppy can express irritation.

b) Perception — The tone of voice of an individual helps strongly in determining the way he/she will be perceived by other people. A strong, bold, clear and concise tone is perceived as confident and bold while people who speak slowly or at a low volume may be considered weak, timid and/or afraid.

• BODY LANGUAGE

In communicating with one another, your body movements while speaking must be in rhythm. They must be powerful enough to add strength to your message rather than take away from it. For example, walking away, blocking of ears, rolling of the eyes or arms akimbo, all indicate lack of interest in the words being spoken.

On the other hand, a smiling face, a hug or an embrace are all welcoming; an indication of friendliness and warmth.

• FACIAL EXPRESSION

Facial expressions are an indication and a reflection of what is going on in an individual's mind. Do what you say and your facial expressions match? It is very difficult to mask one's feelings on the face but careful examination will almost always give away the true feelings. For example, a cold stare and/or a non-smiling face or a frown will indicate disapproval or displeasure; so also a smile expresses acceptance and friendliness while laughter expresses joy. Raised eyebrows show surprise and a furrowed forehead conveys fear and anxiety. We must be conscious while communicating to ensure that the facial expressions are correct indications of the message being passed across or received.

TWO-WAY PROCESS

Communication is a two-way process. It must be given and received in the proper context before we can assume a complete process. Often times, the major challenge is in the fact that communication given and the one received may not be the same. The intentions of the giver might not be accurately delivered due to either faulty or tainted delivery process, or the recipient has misinterpreted the message.

LISTENING

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." James 1:19-26 NIV

God gave us only one tongue but two ears which is a pointer to the fact that we should listen more than we talk. A big part of communication is listening. The freedictionary.com defines listening as "to make an effort to hear something" or "to pay attention: heed". The importance of listening in communication is huge and for communication to be said to be complete, there must be listening. While the ability to speak well is a necessary ingredient for good communication, so is the ability to listen. Most people tend to focus more on their speaking ability and sometimes go on self-improvement workshops on speech; however, working on listening should equally be taken seriously.

One easy way we can work on our listening skills is to practise with those around us — our spouses, children, friends and colleagues. Once we are done with a conversation with them, we can try to recap and see how well we have listened. We should come to the understanding that it is when we listen that we learn. We learn about the person speaking and about what he/she is trying to say.

Listening and hearing are two different things and shouldn't be confused with one another. Listening is a deliberate act, while hearing is the act of perceiving sound. Listening requires active effort. When you listen, you are able to hear what is being said and also some things not said. In other to be able to listen effectively, we must do the following:

• Pay attention: In order to listen to someone else effectively, we must not be distracted. We need to pay attention to the speaker. Doing other things while trying to listen will mar the listening process. Try and keep your attention on the speaker. You may take out distractions like switching off the television, radio, computer, laptop, phone etc. If possible; you may separate yourself and the speaker to a secluded area if the environment is noisy and distracting. Concentration is the key ingredient. Concentrate on the speaker and do not allow your mind to wander off. There is the tendency to begin to daydream or think of other things if we lose concentration.

• No interruptions: Keep quiet. Allow the speaker to have his/her say. You gain more by listening, as you will be able to retrieve information about the speaker. Do not cut short other's conversation. Apart from the fact that it is rude to interrupt, it is also an indication that you are not listening. You must be patient enough to allow the other person to convey his/her thoughts. Even in situations where it takes some few seconds for the speaker to convey his/her thoughts into words, a good listener will wait through till the other person finishes before speaking.

• Do not make assumptions: Making assumptions while listening is a sure way to stop paying attention. By assumptions, you would have arrived at what you believe the speaker is trying to convey and that is detrimental to effective listening. The truth is that you may be wrong as to the message the speaker is trying to convey. Our assumptions are sometimes based on perceptions and/or misconceptions about the speaker.

• Clarification and Verification: In order to have a clear understanding of what is being heard, the listener may ask the speaker for more clarification. You might hear statements like "Correct me if I am wrong, but what I believe you are saying is ..."

BODY PARTS THAT COMMUNICATE

• EYES

It is possible to communicate with another person with your eyes. Eyes speak volumes and sometimes the level of closeness with another person may tell the person something about you by just looking into your eyes. For instance:

a. Red eyes: fatigue, crying

b. Wink: admiration, approval

c. Rapid blinking: attention grabber, lying, something in the eyes

d. Dullness: weakness, illness

• MOUTH

There are various ways to use the mouth to communicate:

a. Kiss: desire; approval; show of love

b. Hiss: disapproval; disgust

c. Whistle: call attention; admire

• HANDS

Our hands can be used in many different ways to get across to the other person:

a. Clap: approval; appreciation

b. Touch: show of love

c. Hold: show of togetherness; unity

d. Hit: display of anger

e. Embrace: show of happiness; welcoming

• HEAD

With your head, you are able to pass on the following information:

Nod: approval; acknowledgement; affirmation; denial; yes/no

VARIOUS TYPES OF COMMUNICATION ISSUES IN THE HOME:

Wives:

• "My husband talks a lot and barely allows me to mumble word."

• "My husband ignores me completely and does not listen to anything I say."

• "My husband walks away during conversation."

• "My husband is verbally abusive."

• "My husband is a talkative in public but clams up at home."

• "My husband is never available to talk to."

• "My husband is always too tired to talk."

• "My husband ignores the children."

• "My husband takes a decision with his relatives rather than me."

• "My husband listens only to his mother."

• "My husband is afraid to tell his relatives to back off."

• "My husband tells his mother and siblings everything that goes on in the house."

(Continues...)

Excerpted from A Time to Talk and a Time to Listenby Tinuola M. Agbabiaka Copyright © 2011 by Tinuola M. Agbabiaka. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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