Our Letters

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G, My Dearest Love,

I am awestruck with new stirrings of love. It has been such a long time since I have felt the pangs of my heartstrings. I can remember the years of our childhood, together on the couch, in Florida and in Georgia, always waiting for our time to be alone. Now it has come full circle. For the first time, I feel beautiful, wanted, sexy, and loved.

In thinking about our finding each other after all this time, it has made me think about what it is that I want and need in a relationship. I have lived a relationship of very little communication. That is a lonely marriage for both. You are teaching me that regardless of our circumstances, freedom from loneliness is possible. I just have to think of you, and I am at peace. You have taught me that it is not what happens in our experience, but it is what we think and do about what happens that makes all the difference. I am learning that if we are to be successful in the future, we have to make the most of the present. I am happy to be living the present with you.

Loving you, R.

During that first summer of our reunion, G and I were able to see each other a few more times. He was only a three-hour drive away from my parents' home in North Carolina. Since it was toward the end of the summer, it was soon time to return home to Texas and to my responsibilities. I left North Carolina with a heavy heart. When I returned home, life for me in Texas became unrecognizable. I had broken my marriage vows and felt guilty and ashamed. G and I lived for phone calls to each other, carefully planning them when no one was present. I opened a secret PO Box to receive mail. I was starved for love and obsessed. I was learning to do anything for it, and to pay any price. I was back to living with the secret that began when I was eight years old. Once again I was secretive and masterful at deception. This behavior brought me almost to the brink of madness.

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My Darling R,

I've been stronger, stronger than I ever thought possible—until today. Today I am unbearably lonely. Today I am empty. Today my insides, my heart, my soul have been ripped out, cast to the winds, hoping to be carried closer to you. And I think even the pain of missing you is wonderful, for it is only the reflection of the pleasure we shared together, and the oneness that binds us together each and every moment.

Yesterday, I finished your tape "Someday Soon," and it's enclosed in this package. Today I've started another tape—not singing yet—with my own voice. This one is a selection of readings from my favorite poet, Rumi. They come from his book of quatrains entitled Unseen Rain. (In the Middle East the words for "rain" and "grace" are the same.)

Rumi lived and wrote in thirteenth-century Persia, and, as is always the case, the truth he penned is eternal.

"I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!"

The background music on the tape is the "The Quiet" by John Michael Talbott. Hope you enjoy the listening as much as I'm enjoying reading it for you (to you) (about you).

I feel so much fuller, calmer, just having written this much. It helps so much to stop, breathe, and simply bask in our truth, to submerge myself in the thought of our eternal love.

Had lunch with a friend yesterday. It was very crowded when we went in. I told her I wanted the same booth we three had shared when you were visiting, and we went to work on bringing that thought to reality. As the hostess was taking us in, we both noticed the booth was being cleared. Before I could say a word, my friend had the hostess by the arm, asking if we could have that one. The timing was perfect. I sat in the spot where you had sat, and the light I emitted blinded three customers and two waiters. (I, of course, healed them immediately.)

4:00 p.m.

Hi, babe. I'm back. Had a wonderful mediation today. I started by inviting you to be there with us and could immediately feel your spirit. I felt calm, reassured, and totally loved. Thank you, sweetheart, for joining me across the miles. After our breathing exercises, I had a vision.

THE VISION

I was standing at a stream, beside a bareback appaloosa pony. Behind me was a lush, thick, virgin forest from where I had just come. Across the stream was a wide, deep plain; and in the far distance, rising out of the desert, was the most beautiful, majestic red mountain you could possibly imagine. Standing atop the mountain, dressed in fringed buckskin, was the woman of all my dreams: YOU, my love, waiting for me to complete the journey. I mounted the pony, thunder claps signaled the downpour of rain, dust rose from the barren plain, and suddenly the pony was carrying me, not through air but mud. We fought to breathe, and pushed toward you as though we were moving walls out of our path. Finally, light—and sky: clear blue sky outlining the shear side of the red mountain, rising like a tower out of the sand.

The pony looked knowingly at me, knew he was free to leave, and as he did, nodded his blessing. I began the climb, straight up, nothing to hold on to. Any fear that could have possibly existed was supplanted by longing to reach the top, to look into your eyes, to press your body against mine, to make love to you under the stars.

I never looked back, never looked down. I moved effortlessly upward, as though your love was a magnet, pulling me to your side. Within moments, we stood face-to-face on the top. First came your tears, tears of joy that washed my soul clean; then your smile that opened my heart to the love of the universe; then your laugh—that set my body on fire.

Your hand reached out, your eyes said, "Come with me." You led me to a waterfall, stripped away our clothes and washed away the signs of my journey through the wilderness.

Incapable of pulling away from each other for even a moment, we made love under the waterfall, again in the soft grass by the edge of the pool, and then slept peacefully in each other's arms.

My darling, I have traveled through the dark forest and into the light. I have refreshed myself in the flowing spring of truth and gazed across the barren lands that seemingly separated me from my destiny. An angel in pony's clothing has guided my journey through the wasteland, and the affirmation of your love has carried me to the mountaintop, where we will build our tree house together.

The illusions of time and space cannot, will not, keep us apart. I long for the moment our purpose, our constancy, our commitment will bind us physically together. Until then, I rejoice in our unbounded love, our eros, our agape. I thank God we were blessed with each other to share eternity.

Love forever, G

* * *

Dearest G:

How I miss you, your touch, your laughter, your tenderness.

Waiting—waiting—what am I waiting for? Direction, purpose, right motives, clear answers—will I ever get there? Will I ever get a clear sense?

I'm praying and working diligently, on my knees.

Many old challenges.

Many new challenges.

Life is a learning process. At last, I am no longer flatlining!

I love you madly, R

* * *

Dearest R:

Hello, My Love.

If it seemed my call this morning had a sense of urgency, that's because it did. It was comforting to find out we both had a sleepless night waiting to talk.

Even though my heart knows you will not play hide-and-seek this time, my mind sometimes still tries to trick me. I love you so much; I always have; I always will. This time I will not let it go; nor will I let you.

You said this morning that you wanted to be like me: open, loving, real. You already understand that that's the only way to live in happiness.

We must recognize that every event, every person we experience, has Life's (God's) purpose attached. No act is meaningless; no thought returns to us void.

My thoughts of you have sustained me through at least one lifetime, and now they have brought you back to me. How foolish it would be to allow us to return to exile; how unfair to all creation for us to deny our destiny.

You asked about the strength of my relationships with others and what makes our relationship different.

Put simply ... my desire is to not leave anyone out of my circle. Without you, that circle is incomplete. You are my other half. Together, our love is made perfect and whole.

And that love is ours forever. G

In the next letter, I address my jealousy and mood swings. I made the comment that I was not a moody person. Thus, the "non-moods" statement. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to see myself differently. My mood swings were running rampant. I was never jealous, other than when it came to G. This was an old/new feeling I was having to deal with.

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Dearest G:

WHERE AM I?

This is a question I frequently ask myself. Where the hell am I? Who the hell am I? I'm so sorry I put the walls up again. It was so frightening to feel so jealous of everyone that can be with you, while I am so many miles away. It was way below the line, stupid thinking. I wanted you to be mad at me, to turn away from me, because I felt so undeserving of you. God, you are so perfect in every way. I respect you so much and love and adore you like I've never loved anyone in my life.

Darling, forgive me in my foolish non-moods. What I want is for you to just hold me so tight, oh, so tight. I need to feel your arms around me right now! I never knew what being jealous felt like except when we were kids and you'd go off with my brother, or you'd ignore me and make me pout.

We've shared a lifetime of special secrets, my love, my dearest and most trustful friend. Where am I? With you in heart, in head, and in spirit.

I am yours as long as you want me. R

* * *

Dear R,

I just reread your "traveling to Dallas" letter for about the—well, I don't know how many times. I keep going back to the line: "You make me feel beautiful and wanted and sexy and loved." It's hard for me to imagine those feelings not being part of your daily experience.

If you ever need validation, and the hearts you have left broken by your wayside don't suffice, think of me. Think of how I have held you in my thoughts, my own seizured heart, for a lifetime.

My darling, you are in my thoughts constantly. Countless times each day, I take my keychain from my pocket, place our ring on my finger, and think of the perfect circle that is us.

Love, G

You will find that sometimes there will be successive letters from either of us, because on some days we received anywhere from one to four letters.

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My dearest R:

Tuesday morning, 5:30 a.m., as has become my habit, I awake from a dream of you. We were in a meadow, the greenest of green grass, perfectly accented by yellow and blue flowers. We were under a lone, gigantic gingko tree, wearing only what we were born with, you lying on your back on the lush natural carpet, smiling at me, kneeling at your side. Sunlight dances through the leaves of the tree, giving the scene a soft focus. Birds sing praises to the new day, and monarch butterflies sail around us, adding blessings with their majestic beauty. I bend toward you; your arms reach out to pull me to you; and then your hand guides me inside your precious body. What a time to awaken!!!!!!

Tomorrow we get to talk. Thank God.

Always, G

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Dearest G,

Today, you might be reading this and finding it is the "stupid letter." I feel so guilty. I feel so sneaky. It's all right, because that is what I am. I know the truth must come out; I just don't know how to get it out without pain and hurt feelings. I want to do the right thing. I just don't know what that is right now. I no longer can look in the mirror and recognize the person I see. Her eyes are lifeless. Her stare is vacant. I am wondering if everyone I meet sees this?

I am in such a state of longing and fear that it is making me unbalanced and incapable of moving forward to you.

I can't tell you when we can be together, but I can tell you that I love you, and this love is what is sustaining me. I am holding on, but only by a thread.

I know we need to talk. That is what I live my days for right now. I hope you will not get tired of me and turn the page again.

Till then,

All my love, R

* * *

My sweet R,

Tomorrow finally got here! Living for phone calls—even as a teenager the feelings were never this pronounced, the emotions never this powerful. Just hearing your voice gives me life.

Back from the post office. Got your "stupid letter" — another envelope with "GUILT TRIP" emblazoned in invisible ink. Do I have to be reminded? It doesn't even matter. I find myself void of feelings for anyone but you. Doing the "right thing" has become a matter of degree. Causing as little pain as possible (as if we could cause anything) is secondary to my love for you, my desire to spend my life with you. As much as I've always loved you, I've never felt such urgency. Thank God, time doesn't exist.

Would I ever tire of you? My darling, you're the only one I've ever wanted to catch. I've belonged to you since the beginning of eternity. It's always been up to you to claim that too; and the fulfillment of that dream can only come when it's right for you. (That's all I wanted: something special, something sacred—in your eyes.)

letter continued ...

Another restless night—beginning to feel normal—up before five, can't seem to meditate, don't want to exercise, I'm content to sit in front of this hide-a-bed (what a totally appropriate name) and think of our time together.

Hope you got your letters by today. I got three. My sense is you are feeling very screwed up—stop me if I'm wrong. My preference is that you feel very "screwed."

Honey, I can't tell you how you're going to get through this, how I'm going to get through this, or if we will get through this.

I've always belonged to you, no matter who I might be spending time with. I've never thought of it as waiting or longing or even hoping. Our circumstances are not really a cruel joke, and our future together is not governed only by impossibilities. As with all aspects of living, it simply "is as it is."

You do not have the power to "screw up" my life any more than I have the power to "screw up" yours.

Stop worrying so much. Let it unfold. It is as it is! Our love is eternal; it is a benchmark; it is the prize men and women have been willing to die for. No matter what we do in the current NOW, it will survive, it will grow stronger; and it will propel us into future NOWs so we may choose again. "I don't know much, but I know I love you, and that may be all there is to know."

G

During the interval of letters, we used prepaid phone cards to call each other. There were no cell phones, and long-distance calling was extremely expensive, especially at the times of the day that we were able to talk: mornings or afternoons before school was out. We lived for this communication. This was so different than what I was used to in my marriage. On the whole, it was a very good marriage; however, there was practically no communication. We never fought. Maybe that was the problem. We never knew how to talk to each other. We never told each other what we liked or didn't like. There was so much silence between us. Neither one of us knew how to overcome this, and as the kids grew up, we grew further apart in this silence.

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Dear R,

I'll be talking with you in just a little while. God, how I live for those moments.

I got the plane tickets yesterday to come to see you.

It was so good to hear your voice. Now I can start counting the hours till Monday. I'm beginning to enjoy being a teenager again.

Just finished moving into a new apartment. Lots of work ahead.

As I carried boxes and furniture, I let my mind run freely, going over and over, again and again, the time we shared this past summer. Such sweet and tender moments, perfectly punctuated by our mirth and madness. That, my darling, is how I want to live.

You asked me last week if you would be enough for me. I know one thing for certain. After being with you in total openness and honesty, after consummating the dream I've known for four decades, the answer is YES—and I'm just as certain no other woman ever could.

A friend just called and wants to meet me for lunch. I think it's a must. I have to be with someone who KNOWS, just to be totally me for a little while. God, how I love you. I want to talk of you all the time. I want to tell the world, just the thought of you takes my breath away.

Love forever, G