I Think I Need to Talk to a Doctor

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Preface.......................................................ix1. Who Am I?..................................................1Part 1........................................................112. As Far Back as I Can Remember..............................13The Earlier Years.............................................143. The Introduction and the Finale............................194. On the Road Again..........................................225. When the Saints Come Marching In..........................286. First Love Lost............................................337. Third-Grade Problems.......................................388. The Appointment............................................419. Breaking Up Is Hard to Do..................................4610. Fourth-Grade Issues.......................................5011. Mutiny....................................................56Part 2........................................................6112. Torrington................................................6313. Grade 4.2.................................................6514. Short Lived...............................................6915. Sentencing................................................7316. Flash Gordon..............................................7717. Cry Wolf..................................................8218. Happy Birthday............................................8619. No Mas Numero Quatro......................................8920. Johnny Number 5...........................................9221. Take That.................................................9522. No Evidence...............................................9823. I Felt That One...........................................10224. Paging Doctor Ventre......................................10625. Sixth Grade...............................................11026. Middle School Romance.....................................11427. Blackmail Is Better Than No Mail..........................11828. Honorable Mention.........................................12329. Last Call.................................................12930. The Start of Something Not So Special.....................13131. A Mistake Followed by a Great Loss........................13332. Fighting to Move..........................................13733. He Tooth Fairy Is a Guy...................................14034. Procrast-Invention........................................14335. And the Winner Is.........................................148Part 3........................................................15136. Arizona Sucks.............................................15337. The Talk..................................................15538. Mexico....................................................15939. My First Job..............................................16140. The Rest of Eighth Grade..................................16541. My First Summer...........................................16842. Ninth Grade Here I Come...................................17043. High School Is the Devil..................................17444. What the Hell Did I Do?...................................17845. The Plan..................................................18546. Juvenile Hall.............................................19247. Do You Want Fries with That?..............................19448. The Permit................................................19849. Grade 9.2.................................................20250. Almost There..............................................20651. Snitches and Bitches......................................20952. What a Beautiful Surprise.................................21453. What Goes Around Comes Around.............................217Part 4........................................................21954. Greener Grass.............................................22155. Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury..........................22356. Back to School............................................22557. Time to Wrestle...........................................22858. Match or Miss.............................................23159. Why Would That Ever Happen?...............................23560. Disappointing.............................................23861. Sticky Fingers............................................24462. Home Alone................................................24863. Why.......................................................257

Chapter One

Hi. My name is Jason Ventre. My friends call me Jase. I was born August 10, 1980. I have brown hair and really blue eyes.

I'm 5 feet 11 13/16 inches tall, but I claim to be 6 feet.

I hope you understand.

At one point, I dated a girl who just loved to tell me that I'm not six feet tall. I don't know what her problem was. Usually girls are happy that the guy they are with is at least six feet tall. They are also quite comfortable in their ignorance when he adds a few fractions of an inch, so they can just act like they believe him and not get stuck with a short guy.

As far as my skin type goes, well, I'm Italian, but there's no spot on an application for Italian, so I guess I'm white with a tan complexion. At least I don't say I'm caramel-complected. I never really understood why some people would compare their skin tone to food toppings. Would that make Lindsay Lohan orange sherbet—complected? All I know is, unless the ladies are going to put on the mythical whipped-cream-sundae bikini, they should stay away from the ice-cream topping descriptions; we're not that hungry.

So, getting back on track, my favorite color is green; I think polar bears are really cool; my favorite beer is Sierra Nevada; and I have a high school—equivalency degree.

I meet people all the time who say they have a college education, but my question to them is always this: "What did you learn while you were there?" They usually respond with the exact title of what they received their degree in, like, "Oh, I have a bachelor's degree in computer market research analysis."

Ever wonder about that? Come to think of it, it kind of pisses me off, because one of two things just happened:

1. They found my subpar collegiate résumé to be too unattractive to actually delve into what they learned at college. Maybe they just assume that my puny GED head might explode because I can't handle the transfer of all that knowledge.

Or ...

2. The only thing they bothered to learn was the title associated with their degree. They memorized it because they didn't want anyone to know that they just wasted a hundred grand of Mommy and Daddy's money and all they have to show for it is an amazing Beer Pong throw.

In the event that either of my suspicions are true, I say to all you brilliant college minds, "Experientia docet." That's Latin. Look it up, bitches!

So, I was born in Bristol, Connecticut, to a lovely Italian woman. Her name is Ann, and I was her third child. Things were great until she had five more. We'll get into that later.

* * *

Being the third oldest child in my family, out of eight kids, was kind of cool, except I can't really brag about it. I mean, really—when was the last time the bronze medalist was interviewed and treated like a national hero? Imagine if Michael Phelps won eight bronze medals ... what could you even do with bronze? I guess you can melt it down and make a real-life statue of you losing to two other people. Come to think of it, you didn't even come close to winning. You came close to the person who came close to winning. I think they should just get rid of the bronze medal and give that loser a really small pin that says "Thanks for trying; we needed a good laugh. PS: your family called and wanted me to tell you that they moved."

* * *

My favorite football team is the New York Jets. The first football I ever touched said New York Jets on it, so I guess it was just predestined. Thanks, Mama Rose. That's my father's mother. I guess she was a Jets fan too. Growing up a Jets fan was pretty easy for me because up until I was fourteen, I lived on the East Coast. I also wasn't nearly as protective about my team as I am now. I find myself getting into arguments with random people to defend the honor of a team I watch on TV once a week.

Case in point: there was this woman—whom we will refer to as Miss Flatchulants—manning the cash register at the local gas station. I was running a little late and only had five minutes to purchase some snacks and tasty beverages before the game came on. I frantically ran into the store searching for a six-pack of Sierra Nevada, located it, grabbed it, and sprinted up to Miss Flatchulants in hopes of a speedy checkout ...

Now, there are a few things I feel responsible for trying to teach anyone reading this book. The lesson has only three steps, but to ensure that we take all necessary precautions, I've made a short list:

1. If you see a person who appears to be in a rush and that person is wearing a New York jersey, do not—I repeat—do not act like a smart ass. It's just a bad move.

2. If you're a cashier and someone with that jersey comes into your store looking for a quick exit, please don't find it necessary to take your time. If the barcode won't scan, just type in the damn numbers.

3. The final step—and I can't stress it enough—DON'T look at that rushed, anxious New York fan in the eyes and say, "Oh, the Jets? They suck!"

Now, if you're that person who doesn't want to take my advice, go ahead and try these things—see what happens. If you're lucky, like Miss Flatchulants, all you'll hear is "Hmm, is your mother still upset she had you?"

The interesting thing about this particular story is that the gas station cashier didn't get angry; she simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "Yeah, probably."

I smiled at her, wished her a blessed day, and yelled, "Go Jets!"

Hopefully, at this point, you're laughing because you're starting to understand the flow of my personality. Either that or you're wondering where your receipt is and if there's enough gas in your car to get you back to the bookstore. I did warn you with the title of this book that I may need to talk to a doctor, so it's only fair that you keep reading.

* * *

I have small hands and feet. This isn't something that I'm proud to admit, but this chapter is about giving enough information about who I am so you guys out there feel like you know me a little bit before we take this journey together. I'm not saying that I'm built like a freakin' hobbit, but at the same time, I'm no Shaq. I used to hope that one day I'd wake up and they'd be larger and next to me there's a note addressed from God saying, "Sorry about the small hands; we needed a good laugh. Here are your real ones ... I bless you. Love, Me."

Until then, this is what I'm working with.

I have nine siblings.

My father (James) and mother had two boys and two girls: (in order) Jamie (boy), Kellie (girl), me, and Dani (girl). Then they got divorced and married other people. My mother and stepfather (John) had four more, one girl and three boys: Erin (girl), Jacob, Joshua, and Eli.

My father's second marriage to my stepmother, Bobbie (girl), netted two more sons: Stephen and Lucas.

When my parents got divorced, I was two years old. Dani was still a little baby. Suffice it to say that I don't remember having to deal with any ill feelings toward either side, because of the young age. At that point, there were just four siblings, all about two years apart. I'd be lying to say that I know the exact reason why my parents divorced, and I'm sure that not being clear on that has had some sort of effect on me. On the other hand, I'm sure my parents wanted to protect us, so maybe it's the kind of mystery that I don't want to solve at this point in my life. When I did inquire about it, both sides had two completely different stories, so at this point, who cares? They aren't together, and gas prices are going up again—which do you think is more important?

I was blessed with an amazing set of grandmothers. My father's mother, Mama Rose, is a woman who has always cared about her family, and she's just a delight to be around. Unfortunately for her, my mother had main custody of us, so I can safely say that we probably spent more time with my mother's mother, Mama Darling. I could go on and on about the personal integrity that possessed Mama Rose and explain in great detail about how great a lady she is, but again, this chapter is about getting to know who I am and because Mama Darling was just as much of a motherly figure to me as my own mother was, we need to concentrate on her for now. No offense, Mama Rose.

I had really blond hair when I was a young boy. Out of the first batch of four children that my mother had, I was the only one with blond hair and blue eyes. The other three have brown hair and dark—from dark hazel to brown—eyes. Mama Darling was obsessive about the overall maintenance of my hair, growing up. I look back on how she always wanted to make sure that every strand of it was properly styled and moussed. I really miss that. Now my hair is brown, and I keep it short, because I realized that when you don't have someone to treat you like royalty like she did, you stop caring.

There was a lot of hype growing up about how handsome a man I was going to turn out to be. I'm not saying that you shouldn't believe the hype, but what no one expected was that I would grow a neck quite like the one I have now. It's a little on the long side, and I've spent most of my life embarrassed about it. About a year ago, I learned how to scrunch it down and hide it a little. It helped my self-esteem out quite a bit. Sometimes I overdo it though, and I go from looking like Geoffrey the Giraffe to Uncle Fester. My father is always trying to teach consistency, I hope to learn that lesson one day.

I've been skinny most of my life. I know, I know: poor me, but seriously, it was horrible. I have an attitude—sometimes backed by a temper—similar to a rabid alligator with a toothache, but the body of a Backstreet Boy. It's such a conflict. It seems that every time I get angry at someone, I have to act even crazier than I normally am just so they'll take me seriously. I know that there's a Small Man Syndrome going on out there, but is it possible to have a Skinny Man Syndrome? If so, then I've definitely got it!

So ... my family's heritage makes me 75 percent Italian and 25 percent Irish, but I usually just tell people that I'm Italian. I mean, it just sounds better. Besides, because I don't drink a lot anymore, there's no real point in saying that I'm Irish; is there? I also like to do everything in my power to tell people when I find a really good Italian restaurant. You can't really do that with the Irishness. How would that sound? "Hey, Uncle Patty, there's a really good Irish restaurant down on O'Shannon Way." Besides, the menu would probably only consist of whiskey, potatoes, corn beef and cabbage, and an ad for the time and place of a local AA meeting.

I have an addictive personality to everything, but drugs. It's actually proved to be a dangerous trait to have. At one point, I owned ten different pairs of K-Swiss sneakers. Who needs all those? I now have an understanding of what women go through with shoes, because I will literally spend my biweekly grocery money on them, and then spend the next two weeks eating lunch at the numerous Costco sample tables. It's horrible, and I don't see an end in sight. Now I'm into watches too, and although I can only wear one at a time, I find myself shopping around for them as often as I can.

I once had a roommate who collected colognes. That's not that bad, but the problem was that he wouldn't wear any of it. I guess he just liked the way the bottles looked.

One day I came home from work, and as soon as I walked through the front door, I was met with the normal entryway funk. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to do something. This guy was just out of control, and I had to find a way to tell him that I no longer appreciated his scent. I felt bad for what I was about to do, but I didn't have a choice. When he walked in the same door and seemed unfazed as the cloud of invisible nastiness gave him a big welcome home hug, I walked up to him, looked him right in the eyes, took a deep breath, and said ... "Hey." That was it; I couldn't do it. I felt bad.

Back to me.

I have a passion for country music. Up until I moved to Arizona, I listened to all kinds of music except country. I hated it. I don't know if it was the accents that irritated the hell out of me, or the mullets, or the tight pants, but there was just something about it that I couldn't stand. That hatred turned into an educated passion, which then turned into a desire or maybe even a fantasy to become a famous country singer. I'll tell ya, life has twists and turns all the time. One minute, I'm listening to gangsta rap and really feeling my African roots; the next minute, I'm singing about how my wife left me but my cousin is really attractive.

After a couple of tries attempting to make it big in country music, I settled for an unpaid career in the wonderful world of karaoke. As fun as it is, it's still embarrassing to admit and almost an instant deal breaker in trying to meet those really good-looking, successful girls. I have learned that there are two things that you shouldn't mention when describing your hobbies to a girl. One is karate and the other is karaoke. To you, they may be the coolest things in the whole wide world, but for some reason, it's just not considered desirable to the opposite sex.

* * *

Spiders scare the shit out of me.

I don't know what it is about them, but they are the one thing I don't like that actually give me goose bumps when I see them. I can honestly say that I've never met a spider that I liked. I personally think they're all condescending pricks. All they do is stare at you with all those arms and legs as if you're substandard because you only have two of each. What gives them the right? One spider just the other day came over to me and stood there staring. I looked down at him and said, "What the hell are you looking at?" Without hesitation, he pointed to me eight times and laughed. Asshole.

Most of my fears I face head on—like heights, for example. I'll go on any roller coaster ride knowing that I'm totally scared, but I just don't care. I love life. I think it's precious. My family and I are a little surprised that I'm still here experiencing it. We'll get to those juicy stories soon.

So I was trying to think of a way to end this chapter in hopes that you can't wait to start the next one. I guess I can say this:

I first started running away from home when I was six years old. I've moved more and lived in more states than I care to think about right now. I've been married enough times to understand the quintessential gambler's reasoning: "If I just do it one more time, I'm sure to win ..." I fall in love quick, but fall out of love quicker. I joined the Marine Corps on sheer impulse. Made money, lost money, and have gone bankrupt. Served time in jail. Been beat up, dragged out, and left for dead.

And just when you think life shouldn't have to be more challenging, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Yep, that's me. Just your everyday run of the mill, walking, talking, exaggerated miracle.

Chapter Two

The first time I overdosed, I was around three and a half years old. I'm not going to say that I was depressed at that young an age and couldn't go on any longer, because let's face it, I had it made. My mother changed my Huggies regularly, and the consequence-driven, vegetable force-feeding didn't happen till later in life; so at the time, things were great.

Looking back on it now, I know that the reason I needed to eat those delicious grape-flavored chewable Tylenols was because they were delicious. What kid doesn't like the flavor, grape? The reason was simple and quite yummy.

I remember sneaking in the kitchen and climbing up on the counter to where my mother kept the stash. I opened the cabinet, and there they were, all wrapped up like tasty little candies. I just had to have some. I can almost picture myself looking around as if I had just broken into someone's house, located the safe, and was about to crack it open.

My family has always said that I belong in sales, and that was evident during my initial altercation with the grim reaper, because I had sold my sister Dani on the idea of popping a few of those in her mouth as well. Keep in mind, she was only around two years old at the time.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from I Think I Need to Talk to a Doctorby Jason J. Ventre Copyright © 2012 by Jason J. Ventre. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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