The 11 Things Your Kids Should Know (So They Can Save America)

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Preface.............................................................................ixIntroduction........................................................................xiiiA Few Words about Parenting.........................................................xviiChapter 1 Make Sure They Like That Person in the Mirror............................1Chapter 2 Teach Them to Love Until It Doesn't Hurt Anymore.........................7Chapter 3 Teach Them to Be Nice....................................................14Chapter 4 Getting to Know God......................................................18Chapter 5 Doing unto Others: The Gold in the Rule..................................28Chapter 6 Teach Them to Never Stop Learning........................................38Chapter 7 Make Sure They Learn to Make a Difference................................44Chapter 8 Eating Healthy and Staying Fit...........................................49Chapter 9 All Work and No Play Sucks: Have Them Go for Balance.....................58Chapter 10 Money Matters...........................................................62Chapter 11 They Are Special........................................................70Epilogue............................................................................76

Chapter One

It is absolutely essential that your kids like themselves. But they are complex, and there are many component parts that make up their personality. So in order for them to like themselves, they have to like all their component parts. Some of their component parts include their morals, values, ethics, and personal integrity.

Webster defines morals as motivation based on your ideas of right or wrong. So how do your kids decide what is right or wrong? Like most kids, you play the biggest part in helping them form their concepts of right and wrong. But even in an environment without parental guidance, kids can ask themselves two questions: Does it hurt anybody else, and would I hate this to be done to me? If the answer is yes to either question, then it is probably wrong and they shouldn't do it.

Values are a little different. Values are more beliefs in which they have an emotional investment. Things that they value don't necessarily have anything to do with right or wrong. For example, their highest value could be education, whereas someone else's highest value could be health. Neither is necessarily right or wrong, just different. And they could both value health and education—just on different levels. But again, my litmus test for values is whether or not what they do hurts other people and whether they would want that action to happen to themselves. I believe that the best source for further personal guidance on the appropriateness of your morals and values, your sense of right and wrong, can be found in the Bible. Some examples are found below.

• Morals and Values – See Exodus 23:24–25, Judges 8:31, 2 Samuel 3:7, 2 Chronicles 13:8, 1 Corinthians 6:19–20, Romans 1:25 and 12:3, Ephesians 2:3, and Philippians 1:20–21.

• Integrity – See Genesis 43:12, Psalms 25:21, Proverbs 19:1 and 12:3, Matthew 3:15, and Luke 16:10–11.

• Right/Wrong – See Exodus 20:1–17.

Ethics is yet another component part of your kids. Webster defines ethics as the philosophical study of moral values and rules and motivation based on your ideas of right and wrong. Ethics is not only found at the personal level but also at the corporate level. Corporations and even Congress have ethics committees to monitor behavior and ensure that people conduct themselves appropriately. On a personal level, it is simply doing what is right and fair. I have a good friend who has a tagline on all his e-mails. It says, "Do the Right Thing, and Do It Right Now." That's a good description of ethics in action.

Now we come to personal integrity. Webster's definition of integrity is the quality, or state of being, of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity. Personal integrity includes morals, values, and ethics, but it goes beyond those to include honesty and sincerity. Our kids should be people of their word. When they tell someone that they will do something, they should make sure that they do it. When they tell someone they will be there, make sure that they show up. And if they told them a time, then they should be on time. Their word should be like money in the bank. People should know that they can always count on our kids because they are people of their word.

In addition to these components that make up our kids, there are others worthy of consideration as well. I cannot spend time on all the components, but there are many pieces that make up their character, components that define who they really are. Our kids need to examine them all and be the best people that they can possibly be.

In addition to the component parts, they also have many aspects to their lives. These aspects include family, school, church, work, recreation, and so on. We each have many aspects to our lives, and we bring our character to each and every one.

One thing they need is congruence. They must agree with themselves. By that, I mean congruence between the three basic activities in life—thinking, saying, and doing. If what they think, what they say, and what they do are all in agreement, then there will be a sense of peace and contentment for them. If any activity is incongruent, then they will have a sense of incompleteness, deception, and a lack of fulfillment. Practice what you preach is a great motto for them.

So how do they really know if they like that person in the mirror or not? What's their basis for determining what criteria they should they use? How do they do it? Socrates gave us the answer. He said, "A life unexamined is not worth living." I believe that; I think they must examine themselves. They should examine themselves by asking four basic questions:

• Are all my component parts (values, morals, ethics, and personal integrity) where I want them to be? Am I a person of good character?

• Am I applying my character across all the aspects of my life?

• Is there congruence between what I think, what I say, and what I do?

• How do I measure up in the other ten chapters of this book?

If they like their answers to these questions, then I am confident that they will like that person in the mirror. If they don't like their answers, then make sure they fix any inconsistencies immediately. Do not let them wait until tomorrow. Putting off the change will only make it more difficult for them to fix later.

Peter "Dale" Wimbrow wrote a poem in 1934 that sums it up very nicely:

      The Guy in the Glass

    When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
    And the world makes you king for a day,
    Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
    And see what that guy has to say.

    For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
    Who judgment upon you must pass.
    The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
    Is the guy staring back from the glass.

    He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
    For he's with you clear to the end,
    And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
    If the guy in the glass is your friend.

    You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
    And think you're a wonderful guy,
    But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
    If you can't look him straight in the eye.

    You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
    And get pats on the back as you pass,
    But your final reward will be heartache and tears,
    If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

(This poem can be found at www.theguyintheglass.com/ gig.htm.)

As adults, what you do will speak more loudly than anything you say. Our kids are looking to us as examples. If they don't see these attributes in your life, then how can you expect to see them in their lives? Kids see honesty, integrity, moral values, and separating right from wrong in the things we do every day. Kids will know whether there is incongruence in your life, and they will know whether you like the person in your mirror.

Law number one: Make sure they like that person in the mirror.

Chapter Two

What a challenge it is to write about love. It is a most difficult word to get your head around. In English, the word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes ranging from generic pleasure ("I love ice cream") to intense interpersonal pleasure ("I love my wife"). Love can be an emotion of strong personal attachment, and love can be a virtue representing all human kindness, compassion, and affection. Love is central to many religions, like "God is love." Love is both a noun and a verb. It can be something you feel as well as something you do. Love can be familial like emotional closeness to family, it can be platonic as in friendships, and it can be religious as in profound oneness with God.

Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, because of its central psychological importance, it is one of the most common themes in the arts. At the same time, science defines love as an evolved state of survival instinct that is primarily used to facilitate the continuation of our species through reproduction. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define.

We can have love for things like clothes, cars, jewelry, houses, or food, but that kind of love is different from the love we have for people. And while different from the love of things, the love of people varies—like the love we have for a spouse, child, family member, or neighbor. They are all very different from each other. We can also have love for intangibles like our jobs or our looks and for activities like baseball, gardening, or reading.

I believe that there is no greater force in the world than love. So I say—love. Make it a verb. Make it something your kids do. Tell them to love everybody and everything. Nobody ever went wrong by loving too much. But many people regret not having loved enough.

I heard a preacher one time delivering a sermon on giving. He said to give. He said to then keep giving until it hurt. Then he said to keep giving until it didn't hurt anymore. He was right. And the same is true for love. Love, like giving, becomes a habit. Love trumps pain. After a while, the pain goes away and only the love remains.

And if they love long enough, they will experience pain, just like you probably did. Tell them to love anyway. They will get over the pain. They may get hurt time and time again. Tell them to keep loving. They are not in control of what other people do, but they are in control of how they feel about it and what they do about it. So tell them to keep on loving until it doesn't hurt anymore. Tell them to love even when it might not seem like the right thing to do. More important than any pain is for them to like that person in the mirror.

I believe that the action of love creates a blissful feeling with the same name, and that when the action stops, the blissful feeling goes away. I believe that everyone is capable of loving and of being loved. I also believe that the opposite of love is not hate but fear, which will generate hate, greed, or jealousy. Your kids cannot love and fear at the same time. Have them consider love as the base of the pyramid in all their relationships, and they can build other things upon it.

They have to start by loving themselves. And I don't mean this in a negative, narcissistic way but as an acceptance of themselves. They have to have congruence between what they believe and what they do in order to see themselves as lovable. If they can't honestly see themselves as lovable, then they will have trouble giving or receiving love from others.

I have observed others whom I consider to be really in love, as evidenced by their staying together for decades. The major characteristic I see is action—not just feeling. Some of the things I have observed these couples doing are as follows.

• They do things for the other person even when they don't feel like it.

• They go out of their way to do things to make others happy or to help others just feel good.

• They allow the other person space to do his or her thing.

• Each person does not insist on getting his or her own way.

• All their actions are courteous and considerate.

• They look out for the other's interests.

• They control their anger toward one another.

• They take no pleasure in the other's disappointments.

• They have complete trust in one another.

• Their love is unconditional.

• They look toward the future together, beyond their current circumstances, with hope and anticipation.

My other personal advice for you and your kids about love includes the following:

• Never ask for love. Just give it. Expect nothing in return. Therefore, when your children receive love, they will know immediately that it was something the other person wanted to give them.

• Never force love; it will come to them if they can risk giving it away without expectation.

• Teach them to say "I love you" often and mean it by showing it through their actions.

• Have them always put themselves in the shoes of others and try to see things from the other's perspective.

• Have them make it unconditional. If it isn't, it isn't really love but some form of opportunism on their part.

• Assure them that love can be lost and that they should never take it for granted.

As a Christian, the ultimate authority on love for me is the Bible. Interestingly enough, the Bible has a lot to say about love. It teaches that love came from God because God is love. Being created in His image, we are endowed with the capacity to love and be loved. According to the Bible, love is caring in action, not something we feel but something we do.

Probably the most familiar scripture about love in the Bible is chapter 13 of First Corinthians, which seems to be read at every wedding I attend. In this chapter, the apostle Paul tells us sixteen things about God's perspective on what love is and what love is not. Read it sometime. Then read it to your kids.

Love is important to God. Paul says in that same chapter that if we could speak every language, but didn't have love, that we would only be like a clanging cymbal. If we could predict the future, know the answer to every mystery, had all knowledge, and had faith that could move mountains but didn't have love, then we would be nothing! If we gave everything we had to the poor and were willing to die but didn't have love, we would gain nothing in God's sight.

God certainly places a high importance on love. Love comes from the heart. Solomon said in the book of Proverbs, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Then Jesus said, "Store up treasure in heaven, for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Our hearts, and the love that emanates from them, are of paramount importance to God. In fact, Jesus said that all the laws of the Old Testament could be summarized in two statements:

• Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

• Love your neighbor as yourself.

That's it. That's all of the laws in the Old Testament summed up in two statements about love. Pretty incredible!

Make sure that your kids feel your unconditional love. It is essential. I grew up in a home where I believed love was conditional on my performance. In order for me to be loved, I had to get good grades in school, obey all my parents' rules, and display good behavior. I spent my whole childhood exchanging "good boy" for love. Don't be like that.

Make sure your children know that you love them unconditionally, especially when they're bad. What you don't like is their behavior, but you love them. Make that distinction. They are not their behavior or their grades. They are special. They are your children. Love them unconditionally. And make sure they feel it. Ask them often if they know that they are loved unconditionally. What good does it do to love your children unconditionally if they don't feel that love?

Law number two: Teach them to love until it doesn't hurt anymore.

Chapter Three

Nice means exhibiting courtesy and politeness, being pleasant and pleasing and agreeable in nature. Have you ever been around an old scrooge? Ever been around someone who is never happy, always complaining, and always in a bad mood? It was miserable, wasn't it? Don't let your kids become that person.

America seems angry to me. Too many Americans attack people, and often they do so with lies and misguided opinions. We dismiss people, we get angry, and we engage in horrible name-calling. Why? I think people are frustrated. Many are out of work, have lost their homes to foreclosure, or are generally just afraid of an uncertain future. There is ample reinforcement for their position on TV and the Internet, including social media and endless blogs.

If your children want to get people to buy their arguments or their ideas, they will be much more effective and successful if they're nice. Your kids need to know that. Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval, authors of The Power of Nice (New York: Doubleday, 2006), claim that being nice pays off for both you and others. They point to research that shows nice people live longer, are healthier, are luckier in love, make more money, and experience less litigation.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The 11 Things Your Kids Should Know (So They Can Save America)by Steve White Copyright © 2012 by Steve White. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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