Summer Rays

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Foreword...............................................xiPreface................................................xvAcknowledgments........................................xixSAMAR..................................................1Twenty-One.............................................3A Year Has Passed......................................5Why Did You Come, 2008?................................7Eighteen Months........................................9Mother's Day...........................................11It's So Unfair.........................................13Oh, September, You Came Back Again.....................15Season's Greetings.....................................172009...................................................19Eighteen Years.........................................21Oh, Days!..............................................23I'm So Sorry...........................................25I Wish.................................................27I Miss You.............................................29Why Did I Die?.........................................31You Are a Star.........................................33You Tumbled Short of Your Dreams.......................35I Carry Her in My Heart................................37My Heart Is Broken.....................................39Days Are Not the Same..................................41The Incomplete.........................................43Going to Places........................................45Little Bo Peep.........................................47If You Had One More Day................................49Can You Take Away My Endless Pain?.....................51Why Are You Not Moving On?.............................53Don't Ask Me...........................................55How Many Children?.....................................57Men Can Cry............................................59A Mother's Grief.......................................61You Will Heal..........................................63For Those I Left Behind................................65I Am Not Walking Alone.................................67You and I..............................................69Dear Nieces............................................71Thank You, Friend......................................73Could That Have Been You?..............................75I Look for You.........................................77Never Died.............................................79Hello from Heaven......................................81Please, Mother, Don't Cry..............................83My Most Dear...........................................85You'll Find Me.........................................87About the Author.......................................89

Chapter One

I am glad we named you SAMAR A short name with so much power You, darling, added to it glamour And the scent of a special flower With your charisma, charm, and color A name I miss every minute and hour I miss calling you as I call your brother And your sister, beloved Qadar And I yearn for your reply: "Yes, mother" When I hear people talking to each other Mentioning the word summer It breaks my heart; I miss you, SAMAR Twenty-One Today is the day you turn twenty-one A happy day not only for me but for everyone But how can we celebrate it since you are gone When your eyes cannot see the sun? Your last birthday with us, you turned eighteen Where are the days when you were a teen? All these days have passed with you unseen How do you look now? How have you been? I wish you were here for us to celebrate This special birthday that would change your fate It is this year that you were supposed to graduate I am sure you would have excelled and been great But even though you are not here My gift is ready for you, daughter dear Poems of love and longing, so sincere A special gift to mark your age this year So here is your gift wrapped with my kisses And all my love and special birthday wishes Each letter, each word, your memory caresses And tells you that you are the one everyone misses A Year Has Passed A broken heart, mine has become From a pain that is only known to some There is no pain like a mother's pain Who is unable to see her daughter again A year has gone, my precious one Since you said, "Mum, come watch the sun." Hours later, you were called to heaven above Leaving me astounded with all those you love No tears can wash away the grief in my heart Your death has ripped my life apart The amazing woman into which you have grown Blessed with many things, let wit alone Has been chosen to leave early by the Lord Something that no one can prevent, young or old Although eighteen, you left life with a mark An older person could not have been able to spark A remarkable young woman who no one can replace Believe me, Samar, no one can fill your empty space All my life for you, dear daughter, I will grieve One year has passed, my love; do you believe? Why Did You Come, 2008? Why did you come, two thousand and eight? And why is everyone happy and feeling so great? If your intention is to bring me joy, then it is too late Since you have already determined my fate I cannot welcome another new year Without having my beloved daughter near It is amazing how everyone else wants to cheer I guess few have lost someone so dear! "Why are you so sad on this day?" I am asked "Does it coincide with the day your daughter passed? Gone should be the days that you mourn her and cry. It is over a year since your beloved daughter died!" Is there anyone who understands why I still cry And don't wish another day to come and fly And why I want to go to when my hopes were high Two years ago, when I did not know what it is like to sigh? Although my daughter is always in my heart, alive, I want her next to me, when I eat, wake up, sleep, and drive. Oh, two thousand and eight, I wish you had not arrived! I wish you would go two New Years back and my past revive! Eighteen Months Eighteen months! How did I endure? Through faith and love, that is for sure! "Time heals" is the worst of all lies As every part of me for her cries. Eighteen months! without seeing her face And without a hug or a warm embrace! The longing grows day after day And the heartache deepens along the way. Eighteen months! without her beautiful smile And without a glimpse of her profile! She is my child, the apple of my eye And thus, for her, everyday I yearn and cry. Eighteen months! I have been carrying this pain Sometimes I wonder how I managed to stay sane. Although I am surrounded with lots of love The fact remains that I wish her back from above. Eighteen months! living with the empty space A vacuum that no one can fill or replace. So help me, Lord, to keep going along It is only YOU who can make me strong! Mother's Day Mother's Day has become so incomplete As it emphasizes your empty seat It comes and triggers tremendous pain As you will never celebrate it with me again The excitement you used to have when it arrives Remains a cherished memory all our lives You woke up early in your special way To wish me a Happy Mother's Day You gave me a present that you carefully chose And placed on my food tray a carnation or a rose I ask the Lord to help me this day survive The heartache that it brings since you are not alive I am helpless and there is nothing much I can do Except enjoy the memories I shared with you Thank you, Lord, for the love I always get From my children who remember and never forget The tremendous pain that every day I am enduring The fact that they understand is comforting and reassuring I appreciate all the compassion and love that they give My three are the dearest of all as long as I live It's So Unfair I don't think that it's fair To celebrate my birthday While you're not there From life I have already had my share I wish, my darling, that yours I was able to spare To fulfill your dreams Some of which I'm aware What cake should I have? What dress should I wear? They make no sense now As sadness fills the air How can I survive another year? I don't know, I swear With a broken heart And your empty chair Everything around me Is beyond repair Sorrow and I Are now a pair Life truly is so unfair! Oh, September, You Came Back Again Oh, September, you came back again Haven't you caused me enough pain? Your days come and your days go Without a glimpse of Samar and her glow. You mark the beginning of the school year But for me, you mark the month I lost my most dear. Where are the days I bought her the school books And purchased everything that suited the new year's looks? You're back this year in Ramadan The sacred month of the Holy Quran. My pain will be doubled in the next days As the memories of each rewind and play. Oh, September, I wish you hadn't come! Though your coming is welcomed by some. But for me, you're the month that marks my loss I wish our paths had never crossed! I was told with time my pain will wane It will not! Even when I age and walk with a cane. Season's Greetings As the year comes to an end, And everyone has greetings to send, And reserves a place for the new year to spend, I put a smile on my face and pretend That I am okay, as no one can fully comprehend My heartache, neither a relative nor friend. Forgive me, loved ones, I do not mean to offend But my wounds will never mend Since my grief and my blood blend. I wish my history I could amend And the movement of time suspend Not having to face another year's end! 2009 How can I welcome you, 2009? As you come without the daughter of mine How can the stars for you shine? When the brightest of all is with the divine How can people go out to celebrate and dine Drinking glasses of champagne and wine? Tell me, how can I ever be fine When sorrow traumatized my veins and spine And grief embraced me and in it I am confined? Please pardon me if I don't welcome you, 2009 Eighteen Years Eighteen years went quickly by Like the blink of an eye. It's only yesterday I heard your first cry Took you to bed and sang you a lullaby. Comforted you when I heard you sigh, Wiped your tears and your eyes dry. It's only yesterday we went to buy The several dresses you picked to try And the eye makeup I did apply. Your life was too short to say good-bye. How I cherish the moments we spent, you and I, And miss your eyes that sparkled like stars in the sky And your magical smile that kept my spirits high. With no wings, WHY? Why did you have to fly? Oh, Days! Oh, days, come back to when we were five! When happiness in our home was able to thrive The days that we enjoyed when SAMAR was alive The days before my beloved went on her last drive And before joy became a word in our archive Oh, present, I wish that you had not arrived! I never had imagined that I would survive a day where in the sea of sorrow I would dive Oh, days, come back to when we were five! I'm So Sorry Beloved mother, I'm so sorry I left you without a good-bye in a hurry. Few hours later, you had a child to bury and made preparations for the obituary. I left you with a huge burden to carry. I had to swiftly go, it was involuntary. You couldn't have stopped it, you needn't worry. My day had come. Mother, I'm so sorry. I Wish Mother, I never imagined you'd be standing at my grave Praying, chatting with me fearless and brave Mother, I know you are so miserable and sad And no one can ease your pain not even Dad I know your happy days with me are gone Can a mother ever be content, after losing a daughter or a son? Life will forever be to you incomplete And joyful events will always be bittersweet Mother, rest assured that I hear your cries and listen to your aching heart and silent sighs I wish I could come and wipe away your flowing tears including the dry ones that no one but me sees and hears Oh, Mother, I wish I could ease your pain and for your sake, bring myself back to life again

I Miss You

I cannot forget the look you had You were so unhappy, so sad What is it that you wanted to say? Tell me, dear daughter, I pray! "Mother, I miss you. Isn't it clear? I know although I am far and near Yet I miss throwing myself into your arms And receiving a kiss that always calms Although I am happy here above I want to be with the ones I love I miss being with my friends Enjoying every moment, until the day ends I miss being with my sister and brother Watching films and laughing with one another I miss simple things like sipping tea And watching the sunset by the sea Do you know now why I was about to cry? I wish, Mother, I had stayed and did not die I wish that we could turn back time For these moments, I would have paid every dime

Why Did I Die?

Why are all these tears in your eyes? Why? I thought mothers should not cry! They're the ones Who keep their children's eyes dry How ignorant was I! A fact I can not deny Until I left this world, And reached the sky And from above Watched how much you cry And felt your heartache Oh, Mother! Why did I die?

You Are a Star Dear daughter, I hope you know that you are a star. When you were alive and when you went afar. You continue to shine in so many people's hearts. A star that keeps glowing after it departs. Precious daughter, I wish I could bring back yesterday to tell you all that I wanted and yearn to say. Although I told you, I love you so many times I still feel it needs to be repeated like chimes. You went, my darling, without saying good-bye. Beloved daughter, all my life for you I will cry. I was with you on every occasion since you were born and accompanied you on each step, removing every thorn. However, the moment you were chosen by God to leave I was not there with you ... for that I will always grieve. Although I held you after and washed you with my tears I wish I was there then to calm your last fears. I talk to you every second of my night and day and ask the Lord to bless you every time I pray. I always imagined you to be part of my tomorrow. Instead, you left me, darling, immersed in deep sorrow.

You Tumbled Short of Your Dreams Daughter, you tumbled short of your dreams Just like in the Great Gatsby, it seems Did you over dream, precious child? And your dream became unattainable and die? And thus its attainability became very slim An illusion replaced by a future that is so dim I hear the recording of your warm, sweet voice I would play it all day long if I had the choice! You said, "If only she would walk through the door!" Words you had uttered not realizing what was in store "Hope never dies," you also said ... Where is the hope that one day I will see you wed? And have three children to love and enjoy ... The dream that would have filled us all with great joy Your dream turned out like a castle in the sand One blow and things got out of hand And thus your dream did not become a reality Just as in the Great Gatsby, it ended in a fatality Now it is my turn, dear daughter, not to over dream But patiently wait to see your lovely face again beam As you stand to welcome me at heaven's door When my time comes to unite with you, the daughter I adore Until then, you are alive in my heart, loved one Even if everyone thinks that you are gone I Carry Her in My Heart Some people may think that I am insane They probably have not encountered such pain The pain of losing a daughter or a son And knowing that from this life he or she is gone To wake up in the morning, day after day And ask "Where is my daughter? Tell me, I pray." Although I know she is in heaven above Yet I yearn to hold her and give her my love But I also know that I carry her in my heart We became one; no one can tear us apart My Heart Is Broken Although my tears have mostly dried out ... every minute, I cry for you and shout. Your passing left my heart broken with a lot of pain, mostly unspoken. How can a mother's grief- stricken heart still beat, after seeing her loving daughter motionless on the street? How can a mother see her daughter fully clad in a snow white sheet without feeling miserable and sad? The wedding dress I was hoping one day to see you in has been replaced by a cloth so white and thin. I reminisce over every happy moment we had. And for having you as my daughter, I am so glad. I am so fortunate to be your mother and so are your father, sister, and brother. You have made us all very proud as you are remembered by everyone all year round. If it was not for the love and memories you left behind I would have been buried by now, next to you in the sand. (Continues...)

Excerpted from Summer Raysby Randah Ribhi Hamadeh Copyright © 2009 by Randah Ribhi Hamadeh. Excerpted by permission.
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