Does prayer have to be silent? Does meditation have to be solemn?If I’m an extrovert, can I worship God?In this groundbreaking book, psychologist and spiritual adviser Nancy Reeves presents a refreshing view of spirituality that goes beyond personality to provide extroverts (and those who love them) with exciting new ways of approaching God.Reeves explores a wide variety of spiritual practices for extroverts, including:Praying in motionSingingCultivating spiritual friendshipsPracticing spirituality in groupsIn the end, she urges all of us, extrovert and introvert alike, to seek a mature spirituality that embraces all the aspects of our personalities. Includes questions for reflection and discussion. Perfect for book clubs, discussion groups, and bible study classes.“For some reason, we think of quiet, introverted people as the very name of holiness. This cannot be true, and Nancy Reeves shows us why!” -Richard Rohr, author of Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality “I’ve been waiting a long time to read a book like this! Nancy Reeves provides much needed insight and guidance.” -Joyce Rupp, author of Fresh Bread: And Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment“As an introvert, I found Reeves’ perspectives eye-opening and enormously helpful. They will change the way I interact with the extroverts in my life. This book should be required reading for anyone offering spiritual guidance.” -Marjorie J. Thompson, author of Soul Feast: An Invitation to the Christian Spiritual LifeNancy Reeves is a clinical psychologist, spiritual director, poet, and author. She is director of the Island Loss Clinic, teaches at the University of Victoria, and conducts many lectures and workshops internationally. She is the author of A Match Made in Heaven: A Bible-Based Guide to Deepening Your Relationship with God and I’d Say Yes, God, If I Knew What You Wanted.

Spirituality for Extroverts

and Tips for Those Who Love ThemBy Nancy C. Reeves

Abingdon Press

Copyright © 2008 The United Methodist Publishing House
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-687-65074-3

Chapter One

Are You a Tigger or an Owl?

Either we acknowledge that God is in all things or we have lost the basis for seeing God in anything. —Richard Rohr

I am a retreat and workshop facilitator. For about a year, I had been having lunch at a local retreat center with a group of other facilitators and spiritual directors. We met once or twice a month and informally discussed our work, our challenges, and our joys. As I left after the fourth meeting, I became aware that I was feeling somewhat down. Although the group always welcomed me warmly at the beginning of lunch, by the end of our time together, I began noticing a cooling in our connection. I felt confused and hurt. The others all worked in the retreat center; I was an outsider. Maybe they didn't really want me there, even though they had invited me.

I expressed my hurt and confusion in prayer. And I saw, in my mind's eye, myself as the character Tigger from A. A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh stories. Tigger is a loveable and very bouncy tiger. "Yup, that's me," I thought. I watched myself as Tigger, bouncing into the retreat center and being greeted by a group of Owls.

When my prayer time ended, I phoned one of my friends at the retreat center and shared my experience. She laughed and said, "Tigger is a good name for you. We love having you come for lunch, but since we are all quite introverted, most of us have had enough sharing after half an hour. You're still raring to go. I start to feel overwhelmed."

I felt a wave of relief. They did like me! It was my extroverted energy that was the difficulty for my friends. Understanding our different ways of being in the world meant that subsequent lunches were much happier for all of us.

Do you view yourself more as a Tigger or an Owl? This is a book for Tiggers, although we are not always bouncy; and for Owls who want to understand and support Tiggers.

What Are Extroverts?

We extroverts are folks whose attention and energy are often directed to the outside world of people and things. We are more prone to action than contemplation. We make friends readily, adjust easily to social situations, and generally show warm interest in our surroundings.

Introverts are people whose attention and energy are more often focused on the inner world of their own thoughts and feelings. Some introverts minimize their contact with other people.

Carl Jung introduced these terms in the 1920s. They caught on and continue to be popular, because they provide a useful lens for viewing ourselves and others.

Studying Extroverts' Spirituality

Once I decided to write a book on spirituality for extroverts, I wondered, "Where do I find a number of extroverts who are committed to a spiritual path and will tell me their stories?" I knew that I wanted to hear from extroverts in different countries and various faith traditions. I also wanted feedback from introverts who believe that extroverts can have a strong spiritual life.

There was no way I had time to interview even thirty people. So I decided to draw up a questionnaire and e-mail it to an initial group of people who I knew to be extroverts, even though I knew that extroverts aren't keen on this type of research tool. As Brian Shields wrote when he returned his completed form, "I would have done much better in my answers if you were to have a group of us meet and talk about this. A questionnaire is really an introvert's tool. I need to get warmed up to share better."

I hoped that the chance to tell their stories would offset the boredom of filling out the questionnaire. And it did! The topic struck a chord; responses streamed in! I received seventy-one requests for questionnaires. Carol enthused in her e-mail, "I am so excited about your research! I have read that most ministers and Christian writers (and would think almost all mystics) are introverts. I am an extrovert, and most of the writing just does not resonate with me!"

Cathie from North Carolina said, "My introverted friend forwarded me your e-mail about an extrovert research project. As I said to her, I can't believe this research is really necessary, since extroverts will tell you everything you need to know at any time anyway! But to prove my point, I would love to participate if you are still looking for folks. Because of course I would love to talk more!"

Cathie continued, "And I am particularly fascinated about 'extroverted spiritual practices.' Although I received my call to the priesthood on a five-day silent retreat, I still find quiet meditation more of a torture than a blessing (unless I am on a city bus), so I am very interested to find out how other extroverts manage their prayer life."

Other folk were interested in this topic and helped me get the word out. Liz Ellmann, Servant Leader of Spiritual Directors International, included my request in her monthly newsletter; some book publishers sent the request to their authors; I mentioned it at most of the workshops I gave; and others heard through the vast "spirituality grapevine."

The result? Fifty-eight people (fifty-one extroverts and seven introverts) completed my questionnaire. They came from the United States, Canada, New Zealand, Australia, and Peru. They ranged in age from twenty-four to eighty-eight. Over half were between fifty-four and sixty-seven years old. Seventy-six percent were female; twenty-four percent were male. Forty-four participants (seventy-six percent) were Christian, six stated they did not have a particular faith tradition, three were Jewish, two were Unitarian Universalist, one was "interfaith," one was a Taoist, and one listed herself as a spiritual universalist.

The short questionnaire was designed to elicit feelings and stories. I'll be sharing many of those stories in this book, using an informal approach and tone. For those of you who want to see details about the study and its results, you'll find them at the back of this book (see Reeves Research). If you work with people in a helping capacity, these details may be helpful for you.

Extroversion—Software or Hardware?

So, when do we become extroverted? Is it part of our "hardware," or is our preferred orientation more like "software" that is dependent on our environment and society? Some recent brain research seems to indicate that extroversion is hardwired into us before birth. These studies show that different parts of the brain become more active when extroverts and introverts think in the same way. In one research project, for example, when extroverts were asked to relax and let their minds go where they wished, they tended to use the rear of their brains, the parts that receive and interpret information from the senses—in other words, they turned outward. The introverts, by contrast, were turning inward, using the front of their brains. Their brain activity was focused on the regions associated with planning, remembering, and problem solving. 2

There are also indications that extroversion can be learned. A number of people in my study wrote of how they have become more or less extroverted over the years. When you exercise a muscle, it works more smoothly and efficiently. When you practice a musical instrument or a language, you become more proficient in it. It may be that if we consistently act in an outgoing manner, we can actually learn to be extroverted.

It appears that, as with so much about being human, the answer to our question is not solely one or the other. Extroversion is likely hardwired to some extent, and our developing personality, life experiences, family, and society have some effect as well.

When did you discover you were an extrovert? It was probably either when someone told you, or when you became aware of a difference between your own and someone else's way of being in the world. Canadian Marcia Thompson wrote, "I realized I was extroverted when I found I wanted to take leadership roles on student council."

I always knew I was more outgoing than some of my friends, but it wasn't until I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as a university student that I had a label for my experience. I have been told numerous times, "I never really thought about my outgoing nature until I took that psychological test." At the back of the book you'll find more information on the MBTI and other common tests for extroversion.

Extroverts who learn of their orientation as children are often told by others. Eighty-two-year-old Betty Janelle, a Sister of St. Ann, was aware of her extroversion at age five! Betty wrote, "The first sentence that I remember hearing is, 'Who winds her up in the morning?' This was asked by one of my older brother's friends who was about twelve or thirteen years old."

For Sallie, a Sister of St. Joseph from Florida, it was even earlier: "I discovered that I was an extrovert as a toddler! Although I am the oldest sibling of five, I have a large extended family, and the highlight of my week was seeing all of my cousins each Sunday. Also, my folks teased me into adulthood that my first friends outside my family were the bakery man and the milkman who came to the house. I was happy to talk with them."

Twenty-four-year-old Tina wrote, "As a child I was always talking to new people, and my parents told me I was an extrovert. I can remember when I was six, I was asked to be a flower girl at a large wedding. I was so excited and couldn't wait for the rehearsal to begin. It was at an evangelical church, which was a new experience for me. Before practicing our lines and actions, the minister preached a long and fiery sermon. This was not like Sunday school where I got to talk. I sat as long as I could, then stood on the pew and called out to him, 'When do I get to talk about God?' There was a few seconds of silence, then the minister continued his sermon. My mom scooped me into her arms and explained 'the rules' in a whisper. I could see dad trying not to laugh."

Omniverts

Extroverts are more energized by interacting with the outer world; introverts with the inner world. Some folks are able to be energized by the inner world as well as the outer. They can move to the orientation that is most useful for them at any given time. I call these folk omniverts. The prefix omni means "combining all." Each omnivert will have either an extroverted or introverted inclination.

Although Carl Jung did not mention omniverts, I believe he alluded to them. He talked about a "rhythmical alteration" of both extroversion and introversion as being "the normal course of life." Jung wrote that this "undisturbed flow" between the two orientations was broken by "the complicated outer conditions under which we live, as well as the presumably even more complex conditions of our individual psychic disposition."

So, Jung believed that an ability to shift between being energized by the outer and inner worlds is "the normal course of life." Unfortunately, personal and societal life challenges interfere with this healthier state, and we become cut off from one of our worlds. Many people—including you, since you are reading this book— make a commitment to psychological and spiritual growth. We do what we can to work through as many personal restrictions as possible in order to heal and grow into free and loving people.

I believe that abundant life is so much more possible when we can become energized by both the inner and outer worlds. One of the goals of this book is to show how to do that. Before focusing so intensely on the topic of extroversion, I had never thought of such a thing as an omnivert. After reading the spiritual stories of so many people, however, I realized that a lot of them lived in a way that didn't match the traditional definitions of extroverts. And their personal characteristics certainly showed they weren't introverts! So, what to call them? Omnivert seemed the best fit.

You may ask, What does an omnivert look like? Well, on the next page you'll find an example of someone with whom I think you will be familiar.

What Do I Mean by Spirituality?

You are reading this book because it focuses on the spirituality of extroverts. Spirituality is something we all have. It's the way we make meaning out of life; our spirit is where our values and beliefs reside. We all have an ideal of what a good person is, even if we don't meet that ideal. Religion is a structure that some people find helps their spirituality to blossom and grow well. Others live their spirituality without this structure.

Some folk, with or without living with the structure of religion, believe in some type of higher power. They may name this power God, Spirit, Mother, Holy Mystery, Allah, Life, or many other terms. Other people on a spiritual path do not believe in a higher power. I hope this book will be helpful on your spiritual path whether you believe in a higher power or not.

I also hope the information contained in this book will help you include extroverted spiritual practices in your life, whether you are an extrovert, introvert, or omnivert. Besides information, each chapter ends with an activity to help you explore your own spirituality. In the back of the book you'll find tips on how to use this book in groups as a short course, workshop, or retreat.

* * *

Activity

The activity for this chapter is to complete the Extrovert Scale, a table I developed for my research. In the table there are spaces for you to rate yourself on qualities associated with extroverts. The qualities are listed on the left side of the table. Across the top, list the stages of your life that you would like to consider. Then fill out the remaining boxes, using the numbers 1 to 5 as indicated, to show your experience at that particular stage.

For example, you may choose to rate yourself as a young child, older child, teen, young adult, and older adult. Cythnia rated herself at the beginning of her work life and then at various times of change in her career. She found that when she was asked to take on a managerial role, she floundered for a while until she became more extroverted.

* * *

Discussion or Journal Questions

1. When did you discover you were an extrovert or an introvert? What were the indicators that convinced you?

2. Which three qualities, such as "outgoing" or "like to spend time alone," are strongest in you? How do these qualities help you in your life?

3. List any of these qualities that have restricted you or gotten in your way. As you continue reading this book, you will find suggestions for living each quality in a more helpful manner.

Spiritual Role Models

Jesus of Nazareth (first century)

"I have called you friends." —John 15:15

Jesus Christ's public ministry began during a party, a wedding feast at Cana. This is a scene that extroverts can relate to. Jesus surrounded himself with followers and went out of his way to meet new people. When some complained of his inclusive and frequent socializing, Jesus replied that it was impossible to please people who held rigid expectations of how one sent from God was to behave. He compared himself to his cousin, John the Baptist: "For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, 'He had a demon'; the Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Look, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!' Yet wisdom is vindicated by her deeds" (Matthew 11:18-19).

Jesus taught a relational theology: God is a loving parent who wants intimacy with all people. The prayer Jesus taught begins with an assertion of the divine-human relationship. This, too, sounds like an extrovert.

And yet Jesus also drew nurturance from an introverted place. He needed time alone. Even though many would have been honored to give Jesus a bed for the night, when he was in the Jerusalem area he preferred to teach in the temple during the day and "at night he would go out and spend the night on the Mount of Olives, as it was called" (Luke 21:37). He encouraged his followers to take quiet rest time: "The apostles gathered around Jesus, and told him all that they had done and taught. He said to them, 'Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest a while'" (Mark 6:30).

Jesus is a great role model of an omnivert.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Spirituality for Extrovertsby Nancy C. Reeves Copyright © 2008 by The United Methodist Publishing House. Excerpted by permission of Abingdon Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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