Single Motherhood: The Real Deal

AuthorHouse

Chapter One

So you believe you're pregnant and need to inform your man that he's the father. First things first, please make sure you are pregnant. Count the day from your last period to now, that's the only way to know for sure. Take yourself to the nearest drugstore and purchase a pregnancy test. Rush back home, gather the phone, and dash for the bathroom to confirm if your feelings are true.

Rip open the package, pop your butt on the toilet, and hold the stick between your spread legs, releasing the floodgates of your bladder. Soak the stick completely in urine, and replace it back on the discarded box. Nervously wait for the magical symbol to appear, which holds the faith of your uncertainty in its hands.

When the answer comes out yes, you can do one of two things. One, you curse yourself, or two, thank the Lord for your blessing. But either way, takes a deep breath and exhales; that part is over. Or is it? Because in a brief moment the hard reality of motherhood will hit home, throwing your world into a never-ending black hole. You question your very judgment, doubting yourself. Should you even tell him or keep the baby? Honey, when these thoughts start to cloud your mind, there are three letters that will release you from this pain. Three letters you should never forget, TAK. What, you've never heard of TAK? Allow yourself to be enlightened: Terminated, Adoption, or Keep it?

Yes, it's a hard choice to make, but it has to be done. For that percent of women who decide to keep the baby, letting the father know is the next hurdle. Even here you have a choice to make. Will it be over the phone or in person? No matter what you choose to do or say, the words will still be the same.

"Guess what? I'm pregnant."

"Guess who's going to be a father?"

"I guess we had a little too much fun, because I am pregnant."

"You always said one day you wanted to start a family."

"The condom must have broken, because I am pregnant."

"The pill didn't work and I am pregnant."

"You're a daddy."

"I am pregnant, so what you want to do?"

After he gets over the shock of your words, prepare yourself for the emergence of his true identity. Really study his facial expression, because he could be bluffing you. Read his eyes-that's where the true emotion lies. Listen to the words coming out of his mouth, but remember the eyes hold the key to his true feelings.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You're sure it's mine?"

"Damn, I thought that condom broke."

"Man, I knew I should have pulled out sooner."

"I will be there for you."

"I thought you took care of that so this wouldn't happen."

"How much does the clinic cost?"

"It can't be mine because I double up."

Now you have a baby daddy, someone to help you out in your time of need to give you moral support and a shoulder to cry on while assisting you financially and spiritually in the rearing of your child. Now what type of help you will receive, that's a different story. Something we will get more into later, but for now live in the bliss of your newborn family.

One + One = Baby and Me

The next obstacle, and the hardest, is informing your family. As fear engulfs your very soul, know there's no easy way. The choice is yours. What will be the easiest and the safest way? Whether it's e-mail, videotape, video e-mail, a written letter, a card, in person, or over the phone, either way it has to be done. Remember, you can't play the hiding game forever or tell everyone that you're gaining weight. Lies. Lies. Soon or later your belly will show and the cat will be out of the bag.

Come on ladies, you know we have those friends, mothers, grandmothers, and relatives who you can't hide anything from. Somehow or some way they know what your next move will be before you even put it into action. Now, you think your parents want to hear this life changing news from them or you? Let's be for real. These people open their mouths at the wrong time, for the wrong reason, and it's always during a special event or at family get together.

Look, do yourself a favor and just tell your parents. Let them kill, slice, and dice you with their words, because when the storm clouds clear, they will be waiting for you with open arms. Those are the lucky ones. Sadly, there are a few parents out there who will disown their children for this one mistake. In their world of disillusion they have the right to disown you by dismissing you from their lives. They will write you out of the family will for this little act of disloyalty. They will shut you out in your time of need. Maybe in time they will forgive you or they won't. Only you can take this ball of negative energy, flip it and turn it around, use it to find your inner strength. Step up and bless this child by being the best parent you can be, by showing this child the love that was denied to you.

A MOTHER'S PRAYER

As I lay you down to sleep I pray that I am the mother you will keep My love I will give My heart you will take For the life we will share On the journey we will take As the Lord bless us each day For now I lay you down to sleep Amen

Birth and Responsibility

Well, your time is near, and you're due any time or any minute. No matter what book you read or what anyone says, this is a painful, risky, wonderful, and scary experience. Do you have your bag packed? One thing is for sure; it's nothing like the movies. You'll never know when it's going to happen, when that life within you pushes its way out, it will sneak up on you. For nine months, you were one body, one soul, and two heartbeats walking on this earth. The world you once knew is changing.

There you are, lying in the hospital bed, breathing between pains of contraction. Or you might be one of the fortunate ones who sleep through their labor pains. (I did.) Hard to believe, it's true and rare. However intense the pain maybe, you'll survey the occupants of the room, as everyone waits breathlessly for your bundle of joy to be delivered. For you it's not the delivery, but hoping your baby daddy will show up on time or just be there to share this wonderful moment. Make sure you have someone to take pictures. This will be your way to remember the moment and remember who was there and who wasn't there.

All the hoping and finger crossing won't make your baby daddy show up. It's up to them to be man enough to show up. Remember, it's their choice. If you have your baby daddy by your side, asks yourself, is he there because he wants to be or is it a front? If you didn't know, you will know now. There's a difference. Now the front man will say all the right things, his manner is sweet, caring, and everything an expectant father should be. You must ask yourself, why is he so attentive now. When you had important doctors and ultrasound appointments and needed a ride, where was he? Nowhere to be found. His actions make you wonder about his hidden agenda. I applaud the twenty-five percent or less of men who are there because they want to be. I applaud them for stepping up to the mike and being a real man, because they understand their responsibility and know that it took more than one person to make a baby. They know that things cost and they will be your rock and your co-partner raising that child. Thank the Lord for blessing you with this man, who will be by your side every day.

The birth of your child is a beautiful thing. But sorry to say, there is a dark side that no one talks about-mothers who hide their pregnancy for nine months and then trash their unwanted child. Sad to say, these are single mothers who can't handle motherhood. The very thought of motherhood, that great change, scares them. They wonder what would people would say and think. They are embarrassed to tell their family. The pain is so great and the only way they see to release this pain is to get rid of the cause of the pain. If your pregnancy comes to this point, and you're drowning in guilt and shame, please, do not trash or harm your baby. There are many safe havens where you can take your child. As stated before this is a touchy subject, but a lot of single mothers out there are blind to the fact that there is a law out there called "The Infant Safe Haven Law." This law is set up to help mothers who feel they are in a crisis to safely relinquish their baby at a haven where the child will be protected and provided with medical care until a permanent home can be found.

As of February 2008, almost all fifty states have set up some type of Safe Haven provision for unwanted babies by parents who can't handle parenthood. The law is set up to allow the parent, a friend of the parent, or another family member to safely surrender the infant at a safe haven. These safe havens are police or fire departments, a hospital emergency room, a licensed physician, a nurse or other licensed healthcare worker, an EMS provider, an adoption agency, a responsible adult, or the child welfare department. By choosing to do it this way, you save yourself from being prosecuted for abandonment, neglect, or murder. The child must be alive when you drop them off. Yes, you can be anonymous; they are more worried about the child than you. Welcome to the privileged world of anonymity and immunity; all this can be forfeited and charges brought against you if there are signs of abuse or neglect.

Follow these simple guidelines if you are planning to deliver your child to a safe haven:

1. Leave written information on the family medical history of the child when you relinquish your child.

2. When you relinquish your child, the baby should be in an unharmed condition, with no signs of malnutrition, burns, bruises, internal and external bleeding, poisoning, bone fractures, mental distress, extreme pain, and death.

3. The child shouldn't have been abused sexually. Sexual abuse includes rape, sodomy, molestation, sexual fondling, or incest.

4. There should not be any signs of diminished psychological capacity in the child. In other words, the child should be able to function as any other normal child of their age.

When you relinquish your baby, most states will transfer the child to the department that handles child protective or child welfare cases. The department is responsible for placing the child in a pre-adoptive home, while petitioning the court for termination of the birth parent's parental rights. Some states have procedures in place where the parent can reclaim their child within a specified time period before any petition to terminate is granted. You may want to give up your rights to the child. In some states the birth father has the right to petition for custody of that child.

So far there are sixteen states that have set up provisions for parents to reclaiming their child. These states are: California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Missouri, Montana, New Mexico, Rhode Island, and Tennessee. Out of the fifty states, Washington, DC legislation has not addressed the issue of safe haven laws. However, parents in DC can relinquish their child to the Child and Family Services office only after the child is seventy-two hours old.

As of July 2007, the "Child Welfare Information Gateway" has set up information regarding each state's safe haven law on their Web site (www.childwelfare.gov). Another Web site to help you understand the states' laws regarding safe havens is the National Safe Haven Alliance (www.nationalsafehavenalliance. org). Their phone is 1-888-510-Baby. These are just two of many Web sites out there that can help you. Remember that laws do change, so check your state to see where they stand on safe havens for infants. It's better to be safe than sorry. Still unsure? Take some parenting classes and some books on how to be a parent.

For those who embrace the ordeal of giving birth and keeping your child, enjoy the little blessing that you helped create and bring forth into this world. This child will always be a part of you, no matter what you do. So, love and rejoice in your blessing that was bestowed upon you.

Responsibility. What's the meaning? Do you know? Society states it's a thing or person that one is responsible for. When it comes to your child, responsibility means loyalty, obligation, being dependable, reliable, and stable. But it is most important that your child feels they can trust you and have faith in you.

Along with responsibility comes sacrifice. Some of you don't believe that sacrifice has to be made. Yet you already made one by choosing to have your baby. That's the biggest sacrifice of all, your choice to keep your baby. You may not see it or understand it, but down the road you will.

Going home, leaving the hospital and the nurses waiting on you behind, reality closes in. The responsibility of your child is in your hands now. It's your job to care, provide, and comfort your little one. You have to ask yourself can you handle it. Because the things you used to do, like partying, drinking, shopping till you drop, getting high, and leaving on Friday and coming back on Monday (or the following Friday), all this must stop. You have to be woman enough to put those things to the side and put your child first.

Some of you haven't accepted the fact that this child needs you more than you need yourself. So stop being scared and get off your behind and take care of your child. When that child is crying during the night, needing to be held, fed, and changed, who's going to do it? Not your mother or baby daddy, no one but you. Ever heard, "You had it, you take care of it"? They were not talking about baking a cake or changing the oil in your car. Can you handle that responsibility when it comes knocking at the door?

Please stop with the notion that your mom, aunts and uncles, grandma, godparents, or whoever will watch the child. They didn't give birth to the child. Where do you get off, disposing your child your child at so-an-so's house and coming back after days on end? I know what you're thinking. I take the child over to my mom's house for a visit. A visit is one to six hours, while anything over twenty-four hours is a sign of abandonment. We all know the reason why you do; the walls are closing in around you, with you barely keeping your head above water. You are looking for some much-needed adult conversation.

You put your child's life in jeopardy every time you walk out the door. Ask yourself-is it worth it? Remember there are pedophiles in all walks of life. A pedophile is an older adult or adolescent who's sexually attracted to children under the age of consent. And most states the age of consent is sixteen. Check out Ms. or Mr. So-and-So before you leave your child with them. It's better to be safe than sorry.

With responsibility come choices. And there are some hard decisions to be made, from choosing a new outfit, a pair of glasses, or buying that latest CD or DVD, to purchasing clothes, diapers, and formula for the baby. Everything you want or need for yourself will take a back seat to that child. From taking your birthday or Christmas money to pay bills, to returning items you purchased for yourself, to taking jobs that are beneath you, every move you make must be in the child's best interest.

Responsibility is a mixing pot of many different things from loyalty to obligation. You will feel moral ties to your child, and a sense of duty. You must build a foundation made of trust and support. You will be strong and devoted to each other. You will offer stability in a world of uncertainty.

You will lose yourself to the point where you question your own actions Responsibility is hard in this world for the single mothers; you have no one to turn to but yourself. Don't be scared. There are a few people who will support you and stand by your side with open and helping arms.

Your child is a gift to you from God. How you raise that child is your gift to God.

The System

The system will not discriminate against any individual or group because of race, sex, religion, age, national origin, color, height, weight, marital status, political beliefs, or disability. But it will break your spirit and belittle you to the point of no return. It doesn't matter if you're a well-educated, independent, take the bull by the horns type of woman. The system is made to break you and it will.

The system is another form of government slavery. How could this be in the land of milk and honey? Well, it's been going on for many years. We just call it the welfare system, or FIP (Family Independence Program). It's a program where you receive health insurance, food stamps, and cash allowances. Basically, it's a poverty stricken program for the poor and the unemployed.

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Excerpted from Single Motherhood: The Real Dealby D.C. Spencer Copyright © 2009 by D.C. Spencer. Excerpted by permission.
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