A Call for Help II

The question always seemed to come down to the same thing: Why weren't spousal abusers always being successfully charged and prosecuted in Canadian courts? One premise is that the courts have to have some physical evidence of the abuse or at least the testimony of the victim and/ or one or more witnesses to the particular offence. Without evidence, a victim of physical abuse has very little chance of getting some legal relief or justice, not to mention the fact that most victims are too afraid of future retribution to want to file charges in the first place. However, if such evidence can be presented to the courts, then the probability of conviction of such abusers is much greater.

Small wonder Julia Jones was so reticent about filing charges against her husband, Evan, and taking him to court—she would have had to live with the result if, by some miracle, he was acquitted. She was smart enough to realize the odds of success were not in her favour. He had too much of a chance of being released without a jail term and of returning home to vent his rage on her in ever-more-heinous and harmful ways.

There is a critical question to be answered: Is it alcohol overindulgence that makes a man abusive or his own mean nature? In Evan Jones's case, it probably would have been both—a naturally mean personality fuelled by alcohol's reduction of his inhibitions. Either he had to quit drinking altogether for good or consciously change his behaviour and attitude, or both. From where I stood, it might be possible for him to quit drinking with the help of organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous, but I seriously doubted he could, or would, be able to change a personality that had taken him a lifetime to develop. Possibly it had all started when he was a child; that is, he had probably been physically abused, and this had created and fuelled a rage that just grew over time until he was finally old enough to leave home. Ironically, without getting help for himself from a support group for abusers, he might never gain a complete and true understanding of the early roots of his own victim-hood.

Essentially it was the job of the psychologists to counsel the support group that my new friend—his wife, Julia—now attended to increase her own awareness of how the abuse began, why it was continuing and how to end it. The courts would also try to do their part, although there was no guarantee of justice even when the evidence was there. But in the absence of such evidence or testimony from the victim, other steps had to be followed. The only thing that could change over time would be that the courts might be able to convict an abuser without the testimony of the victim. In that case, a police report taken at the scene, along with the police officer's testimony, might suffice in its place. It would ideally take the cooperation of the victim and her abuser to stop the abuse, in the present and future. It might seem improbable yet possible.

After Julia started attending the meetings for victims of physical and emotional abuse, because I was her friend and confidante, she would tell me afterward what they had discussed. She didn't want to give me any particulars about any one woman's abusive situation, but she did want to tell me the kinds of questions that were asked of the victims. It was the way to determine if they were, indeed, victims of abuse. The counsellors wanted to make the victims aware of what constituted abuse, which could take many forms, and that, if they weren't already aware, they had to become aware of these forms.

She would tell me, "Nina, the counsellors wanted to know about each victim's innermost thoughts and feelings! I was wondering at the time: What could they possibly mean by that? They would ask us things like do you feel afraid of your partner much of the time? Do you avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? Do you feel that you can't do anything right for your partner? Do you believe you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? Do you wonder if you're the one who is crazy? Do you feel emotionally numb or helpless? You know, as a matter of fact, I think that a lot of the time, I do feel afraid of Evan, and sometimes I feel totally numb at the same time because to feel any kind of emotion would have made the abuse too traumatic to handle."

She would add, "When you're a victim and it's your husband who's abusing you, the counsellors also want to know all about your partner's behaviour. For example, they ask, does he belittle you? Does he behave violently or in a threatening way toward you? Does he constantly try to control your behaviour? Later in the session, we would break off into smaller groups and discuss one of these aspects of the abusers' behaviour. I guess the idea is to make the victim question what her abuser is doing to her to be certain that it is abusive behaviour and that it should not to be tolerated by the victim.

The counsellors would present these queries to us: "Do you have any idea just how many female victims are out there? Why do so many exist? And why do they put up with such terrible treatment, especially from their male spouses?"

Julia then asked me what I thought about such issues.

I would tell her, "Julia, you have been mistreated and abused by Evan for so long that to you, the situation at home seems `normal.' But someone outside of your situation looking in, especially a trained observer, would be able to dispassionately determine that you are indeed a victim—you just aren't aware of it. You might actually be thinking you deserve his mistreatment, which is complete and utter nonsense! If I were a counsellor at one of your meetings, this is what I would say: `There are so many different signs that you're in an abusive relationship that it seems impossible that, as a victim, you would not be aware of them'. Here is an example of what I'm talking about: your partner's controlling behaviour. Maybe some people wouldn't think of that aspect as something that is considered abuse. Behaviour such as, does he act excessively jealous and possessive? Does he control where you go and what you do? Does he keep you from seeing your friends and family? Does he limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? Does he constantly check up on you? All of this can be considered abuse of an emotional type.'

One day Julia said, "Nina, you've never mentioned how you've been affected by abuse. Were you ever abused in your life?"

"Yes, I was," I replied. "It happened a long time ago, in my childhood. My stepfather and I were always at each other's throats. I seemed to be able to bring out the worst in him. He could get angry with me at the drop of a hat, and when he did, he was on the warpath, so to speak. When he was like that, he wasn't going to rest until I was punished. When he punished me, it was by beating me hard with a leather strap on my backside; being punished by him felt more like torture. I've never forgotten those times, and I definitely would not want to be that kind of parent to my own kid. It hurt me way too much, physically and emotionally."

"So how did you deal with it? How long did you keep putting up with it? Why didn't your mother intervene to help you?"

"I put up with it until I was old enough to speak up for myself. When I turned 17, a particularly traumatic episode happened when he punched me hard in the jaw. I left home after that incident but never called the police; I was deathly afraid of him. So I called my boyfriend instead, and he took me to his house and his parents allowed me to stay there for a month. Later, when I returned home, I was determined never to accept that kind of treatment from my stepfather again. I meant it then and I mean it now. However, that did not mean he didn't still want to abuse me. He just found more emotional ways in which to torment me after that. I think my mother was also somewhat afraid of him when he was in a rage, so she might have felt helpless in those situations."

"So I do have the choice of walking away from my husband's abuse?" Julia asked.

"Julia, you must know you always have choices. You are an adult, and even though Evan is your husband, that doesn't give him the right to hit you. He might apologize for abusing you right after the fact, but that doesn't excuse any of it. As you already know, I have been abused and I've had to cope with the aftermath somehow. My advice to you is this: if you really want to leave Evan, you will have to go to a shelter or safe house. These places have been created for women like you, and while you're there, he will never be able to bother you again. You can then get a restraining order, and that means that the police will protect you from him. Don't ever forget that you always have choices. You never have to put up with any kind of abuse from anyone."

"Nina, I know you're right, but I'm deathly afraid of him. I know that if I don't face up now to what he's been doing to me, knowing that it is abuse and should not be tolerated under any circumstances, I will always be a victim. What am I to do? Leave him or let him have the sadistic pleasure of hitting me whenever he gets the impulse? You know, if he was hitting some other member of my family, I would never let him get away with anything, ever. The rhetorical question is, why have I been letting him get away with hitting me?"

"Okay, Julia. Here's the thing. If you want my help as your friend in leaving him, you have it. I will be there for you, through thick and thin. But if you choose to stay with him and allow him to keep hitting you, there isn't a thing anyone can do for you—not me, not anyone. At that point, you run a grave risk of death at his hands. You have to make a difficult choice now to leave him and be prepared to stick by it. It's the only chance you have of ever being free from him and his abuse. I will help you by pointing you in the right direction so you can get counselling and support. I assure you you'll need lots of it. No one can just walk away from an abusive situation without help from the outside. I tried to do it myself, but it was virtually impossible. However, I promise you that the effort you make toward changing your abusive circumstances will be well worth it."

A Change of Heart—Immigrating to Canada

(Inspired by an article in the Canadian Immigrant [Ontario edition], February 2011.)

My husband, Jamie, and I, now living in Canada for a year, had moved here from England with our two young girls. At first we all loved it here. Canada is a truly wonderful place to live. Canadians are terrific people to be around. People everywhere in the world know this. We felt we had as good a chance to succeed at immigrating to Canada as anyone one else. We just had to be sure it was what we wanted and that our marriage was on solid ground. I was soon to find out just how "solid" our marriage really was. We thought we were prepared to come here to build a new life for ourselves without having any other family here. We knew we would only have each other for love and support. It was not really a matter of not being able to do this or not wanting to. We just knew it was the only thing for us to do if we wanted to have a better life for ourselves and our kids. It would be worth any sacrifice we had to make.

In our previous life in England, despite what anyone else might have thought, we'd had to struggle for everything we wanted. Everything (goods and services) was very expensive there. My husband often had to work overtime for our financial support and well-being. That was nothing unusual. Meanwhile, I stayed home with the kids until they were old enough to attend school. Daycare in England was also extremely expensive and not readily available. Without that, it was impossible for me to work outside our home. Somehow I didn't mind though; I got used to it. I was mainly responsible for the cooking, cleaning and laundry, and my husband would help out with babysitting whenever I had to do the grocery shopping. He said he didn't mind and I believed him; he was a very good father to our two daughters. He would also help out with doing dishes at night and picking up the kids' clothes and toys after they'd gone to bed. He said he also didn't mind doing that either. He was doing his best to be a good husband and father, and I really had nothing substantial to complain about.

I was slowly becoming aware that I was unhappy and restless but had no idea why. After all, we had a much better life here in Canada. Things were still somewhat expensive but were manageable. It became easier, financially, when I started working full time after the kids started school. While we missed our families at home in England, we still felt that coming to Canada was the best thing we could have done. To keep in touch with our families, we bought a laptop computer for ourselves at home and used it to send and receive e-mail; we loved to exchange loving messages and funny pictures and dozens of web links and even chatted online once in a while when it was relatively quiet at home and possible to do this. Having a computer made it easier and cheap to stay in touch with our family members, compared to making expensive telephone calls overseas.

I really should have been a happy camper with my loving husband, our two wonderful girls and our brand-new life here. Unfortunately, some bad things happened to other married immigrant couples, bad things that had caused divorce, wreaking havoc in their lives. That was the way I was starting to feel. I had started to think that working outside the home and trying to fulfill my many responsibilities at home at the same time was becoming too much. I thought I could not possibly be alone in this regard. Women the world over were having to balance a full time job with a full time household role. But it was getting to be too much for me. My husband, as great a guy as he was, still wanted to have some alone-time with me, especially after he'd arrived home from his workday and just wanted to relax with me and have a glass of wine or a nice cup of tea after dinner. Was he asking too much? I suppose not, but it seemed like he had the easier role. All he had to do was go to work and bring home a paycheque. He could relax at the end of his workday, but my "second job" at home would be just beginning after my primary workday was done. I seriously started to resent and blame him, either for my inability or unwillingness to fulfill both roles to the best of my ability. Was it fair to resent and blame him for my inadequacies? Who knows? All I knew was that it was not a good situation and it was getting worse on a nearly daily basis. It was going to be only a matter of time before something gave.

Almost a year later, I'd finally had enough and told Jamie, "I want to go back to England. Living here in Canada is simply not working for me. I'm truly sorry for having to tell you this after everything we've all been through."

This was probably one of the worst things I could have said to him. Completely shocked and dismayed at my words, he asked, "But why, Kate? Why do you want to leave Canada? We have a great life here. You already have access to your family almost anytime you want through the computer. Isn't there anything I can say or do to persuade you otherwise?"

I told him, "I have found it difficult to work two different jobs to make our life here happen. There is already a lot of stress associated with moving to a new country with a new culture, making new friends, creating a new career for myself and at the same time trying to make my family comfortable. And despite having a computer, it's not the same as having my family around to hug and kiss me and to talk to about personal problems. I honestly think I would be better off being nearer to my family back in England."

Jamie tried everything he could think of to dissuade me from wanting to leave Canada, to no avail. If I could have read his mind, I would have seen his thoughts: What could you possibly be thinking? Moving to Canada has been the best thing we could ever have done. What is there in England for us now? What about our kids? What happens to them now that you've decided to change your mind about living here?