Seven Stories of Real Estate : The Funny Things That Happen

Go to many real estate investor meetings and you will be inundated with material that reads like this: "Buy A House With No Money", "Become A Millionaire with a Dollar In Real Estate", “The Life of Your Dreams Owning Real Estate".

And there are speakers on the "tour" selling their "Pathway to My Lifestyle" programs. This presentation is complete with photos of the 2.5 children and the blonde well figured wife clamoring out of the newest Mercedes SUV and her arms grasping at all the falling Macy's bags. And yes, some women speakers, not to be outdone, show a picture of themselves gleefully sipping Savon Blanc next to the pool, arm in arm with her dark haired, unshaven 6'4" hunk smiling placidly to let you know, that you too can get your teeth whitened to look like a fresh Gilden T-shirt if you just "Buy My Program"!

Oh, and of course you can finance the purchase of the program material. Ten percent down, 30% interest only with a 2 year call...No a bad 15K expenditure for a catalog that will collect the dust mites on you book shelf. Something has to take up the space and collect those mites :)

Throughout my 24 years in the business, I've paid close attention to the countenance and conversations of the folks in the room of these meetings. That would include the attendees, the promoters and the speakers.

We're millionaires (ish). We're supposed to be enjoying the time of our lives as real estate investors. The speakers are selling the life of luxury and relaxation. We've told our boss to shove the proverbial 9-5 to a predestined location unfit for adolescent ears to hear.

But much of what I see and hear, and there's no other way to say it, is moaning and sad faces. Complaining about tenants. Frustrations with code departments. Concerns about taxes. Reservations about the state of the market and deal flow. In general, these people don't look like they are enjoying themselves or the journey. Many appear to be too wrapped up in the grind of it all and just need a good laugh.

So I decided to write this book with a satirical/humorous approach while relaying stories that even Hollywood writers couldn't imagine. My end goal was to have folks laugh and or chuckle when reading the true stories I've experienced. I've often said, and still do whenever I speak; in this business, you'd had better have a sense of humor, learn to laugh yourself and don't take things so seriously because SHTUFF is going to happen!

Yes, toilets are going to get clogged on Christmas Day.

I can't make this stuff up; as I'm sitting here writing this at this very moment (no it's not New Year's Day-I wouldn't be writing this if it were), I received a text message from a tenant that her toilet "isn't working like it usually does". In tenant language, that means, my kids have stuffed an apple, the whole role of toilet paper or tonight's bowl of Brussels sprouts down the toilet. In the event you are have not ever tried to fit one of these items into an otherwise fully functional toilet, these items will prohibit the full functionality of said toilet. Oh and yes, you will need to call a plumber to get this rectified.

Pipes will freeze on New Year's Eve (Yep, had it happen).

Dogs will bit your leg even though there's not supposed to be any pets in the property; (that section of the lease seems to be one of the most difficult parts of the lease to understand, or it's written in "Invisible to the Tenant's Eye Ink"). I haven't determined which is the case.

Code departments will fine you because they have deemed the Baby Ruth bar wrapper that has blown across from the Great Midwest onto your property as "accumulated trash". Consequently you will be the recipient of a $50 citation that will be placed in the fund that is going to help balance the local Municipality's 1.8 million dollar budget deficit. Yep, it's true. The story is in my second coming book.

Yes, there have been moments that challenged even my laissez fair attitude and approach. There have been times, I have to admit, that weren't overly humorous at the time. There have been people, occurrences, experiences and outcomes that haven't brought about the usual wry comment out of me. But the entire journey has still lead to a collection of stories that looked at through a different prism have created something to laugh at, chuckle with and entertain even the most hardened stoics at the next cocktail party.

The examples I've mentioned in this synopsis are the types of stories in "Seven Stories of Real Estate: the funny things that happen". They are true and factual. You can't make this SHTUFF up.