CHAPTER 1

No One Cares—No One!

When living with my mum, I couldn't wait for her to go out, asshe did each night, because then I was free to dance. I puton the music, learned all the movements, and became lost inthe dance. In time, I became a good dancer. I wasn't even aware of thisuntil I found myself in the children's daytime disco. I signed up for a breakdance competition. I can't describe my excitement and nervousness. I wasworried and petrified but so very thrilled. I was happy just to be aroundmoving, dancing people. Amazingly, I won the competition, and I washooked for life. Deep down, I experienced this exhilarating feeling thatfinally—finally—I was good enough. I felt that I, Seda, was really goodenough. It was the best day of my life!

A gigantic confidence came over me. The folks who ran that competitionhad no idea what their acceptance had done for me. I experienced lovefrom the audience coupled with the amazing joy of knowing I was goodenough. To relive that feeling through my dance became an addiction forme. I was hooked on something good that was making me feel alive andhappy within. It confirmed I was a good and worthwhile person after all.

No one could take away my dance. That was my treasure.

The addiction was real. I cared about nothing else and started skippingschool and running away from home just to dance, be happy, and forgetwhatever was happening in the real world. I had discovered my release, myescape. I'd had enough of being abused, ordered around, and treated likea robot. I had been a slave; I don't know how else to describe it.

Forgotten was the housecleaning and everything associated with myembarrassing mother. I had everything. I had it all! I had the realizationthat my survival tool was my own dance, my Seda-dance. Today I still callmy own free style dance creation Sedadance. For the first time in my life, Iwas the happiest person in the world. I started going to discos and enteringcompetitions. I worked on my dance and worked at winning competitions.Eventually, I became a well-known street dancer. People would stop meon the sidewalk. Inside, I proclaimed, I am Seda! I am a free spirit! I am thedance! I am finally happy! I feel strong! I feel fulfilled!

This led me to form a dance group called 'Tolgahan' to performprofessionally. I was told I was the most talented dancer in the group, andthat they loved my versatility of style and feeling. The group performedall around Turkey, dancing in concerts with well-known singers andcomedians. Over time, we appeared on television shows, in festivals, ontalk shows, and finally even for Mr Kenan Evren and later for Mr TurgutOzal both prime ministers of Turkey and we even performed for royalty. Iwas so proud that I was doing the belly dance and break dance solos forthis talented group.

I was enjoying this life so much. But outside my dancing world, everythingelse was collapsing in my life. I had run away from home. Friends'apartments, the streets, open buildings, clubs, discos, and even the policestation became my home. I often changed my clothes in toilets, borrowingand swapping clothes with friends.

This part of the supposed exotic lifestyle wasn't at all easy. My lifestylecaused me to get sick. I developed some skin problems that startedto spread all over my body. Since childhood I have suffered an adrenaldeficiency. I was always tired and stressed—except when I was dancing. Iwas robbing my body to dance well. By this time, I had lost contact with myfamily. I had no idea where my sister and brother were living. I was standingon my own two feet without the love and support of a family.

Through my dance troupe, I had branched into modelling and acting. Iremained very passionate about my dancing, and I wanted to take it muchfurther. But no matter how well it was going, it wasn't paying the bills. Andit wasn't enough for me. With dance, I felt like I could fly and wanted to dothat more and more but my body was saying 'no way'.

I should reiterate that my problems of health, no money, and lack offamily support were real. Without those problems, I could have enjoyedlife more than I did. My life story would fill a very thick book, but the thingI remember most, apart from the exhilaration of dancing, is how much Idesired love. I yearned for a family and a relationship. I visualized myselfin a relationship. I missed having a family life and wanted to get marriedand have my own family.

I eventually discovered the many self-development seminars presented bythe wonderful Dr. John Demartini. He gives highly inspiring educationalseminars around the world, and I became one of his fans. He says thatwhatever is most missing in your life becomes the most important thingto you! This was absolutely true in my case. This incredible speaker workedwith me and showed me that in my mind, I still believed I was inadequate,wouldn't be able to get married, nobody would love me, no one wouldwant me, and I didn't deserve a loving family. We worked to overcomethese negative thoughts and sense of inadequacy.

I thought I had worked through all these issues, but I hadn't. I married aCroatian man, moved to Australia from Turkey, and planned to make a lot ofchanges in my life. However, I started to get panic attacks at the enormityof these changes. I was very scared all the time, and the paranoia causedme to struggle for breath. I was in very bad shape internally and feelingreally down and sick all the time. I found that I genuinely didn't know howto care for myself or others. I wasn't equipped for it. I was smoking anddrinking alcohol, and I tried drugs more than a few times. Thankfully, I'vestopped all that. I'm too precious for that now.

When a blue eyed handsome man started taking an interest in me, it was anew experience. I was getting a bit excited at the prospect and wonderedif this was the man for me. I had dreamed of this so much, but it had nothappened as I'd imagined in my childhood fantasy. To be totally honest,I believe I still would love to have it, but I have woken to the experiencesof my past and moved over time toward a path of self-realization. I'verealized I must to do what I love to do. Otherwise, I'd be too involved inthe relationship. Right now, I am not able to balance the two and wouldget swept away from my heart's deepest desires.

I shared with Dr. Demartini what I told the blue-eyed man who wanted tohave a relationship with me. I said it was like I was in labour and just aboutto give birth to my purpose in life. I told Dr. Demartini who is a humanbehavioural specialist, inspired educator, chiropractor, and much more. Iwas not ready for any relationship before my labour was complete. I havea purpose; I have a gift to give.

I need to be free to be productive and do what I love to do. I am followingmy plan. I'm a gypsy. I'm a free spirit!

CHAPTER 2

Making Changes

Before I came to Australia, I was having panic attacks mainlycaused by the way I had been abused (by my father and othersI had trusted. Some of them abused me physically and othersverbally. My mind and body were stressed to the max. I was feeling dirty,living a lie, trying to look good to others and I was not really caring formyself. I spent time socializing, trying to experience the love I sought andpretending to myself that I was loved and adored by others. And I wasdancing and working a lot. This entailed long hours, not getting enoughsleep, smoking too much, and not eating right. I felt I had to do so muchmore and perform a million times better to compensate. Even I wasn't feelgood really bad condition I was not showing my true feelings to the peopleI was pretending that I was ok all the time. I tried to look good and pretendI was loved by the audiences. I felt that if I didn't receive their love I wasnot OK, like something was missing, I was broken in half, I was very needywith my feelings, I just wanted to be accepted and adored.

The only true friend I had was my beautiful sister. She had some inklingof what I had been through. After she married, she tried hard to get us alltogether to achieve a sense of "family" in our lives. I loved to spend timeat her home as we tried to achieve the feeling of a close-knit family thatwe both cherished so much.

By this time, our mother was drinking heavily, close to an alcoholic. I recallhow she had a bad fall down the stairs one time, on the first of January, mybirthday. My mother's name is Dolgan Turkegul, and she was quite famouslocally. Dolgan is her stage name, but Turkegul is her real name. She alsohad a video store that was fairly profitable. But because of her drinking,she slowly lost almost everything she ever had in her life.

My mother was very flashy and wore expensive clothes and jewellery.One night, under the melancholy mood of alcohol addiction, she becamemorbid and angry and actually put all her jewellery in the toilet and flushedit. Soon after, she lost her home and in time, stopped singing. She continuedsmoking and drinking excessively and had a fairly sad existence. She wasimpossible to live with. She often argued and fought with friends andfamily in public. She even bought a gun. At the slightest provocation, shewould pull it out and start shooting. She was so angry at the world for whatshe perceived it had done to her. Unfortunately, she couldn't understandwhat was happening to her. I watched this self destruction roll out like amovie and swore things had to change for us. I certainly was determinedI would not end up like my mother.

Since my mother was unable to provide for us, my sister tried hard to bringsome stability to this dysfunctional family. She was like a saint and tried tolook after and help everyone. She was also working hard to bring enoughmoney home to provide for us.

My relationship with my mother was not good, as I could not forget shehad left me with my father and not cared that I was being abused. Sheremained in denial and as a result, it was hard to find any respect for her.She had never been a good mother to me, so why should I listen to hernow? I felt quite rebellious, but underneath, I was heartbroken and angry.I had suffered abuse since I was born. My mother had brought me into thisworld and then left me like rubbish on the street. She had never listened tome or tried to teach me anything. She had never shown love or affectionto me. The relationship deteriorated until she had a bad fall.

After my mother's fall, one of my friends her took her to a public hospital,where she was kept waiting, because my girlfriend didn't have enoughmoney with her to pay the admission fees. As soon as we found out, mysister and I hurried to the hospital with the money. Our mother stayedone week in intensive care. She had suffered extensive brain damage andwas in a coma. After intensive care, she stayed another three months,rehabilitating in the hospital. Her doctor told us she would never fullyrecover, and her condition was exacerbated by her alcoholism. She was alsodiagnosed with schizophrenia and acted like a robot, expressionless. Mymother kept repeating things over and over again. Through the influenceof my sister, we had her moved to a private section of the hospital, butshe seemed no better.

Luckily, we were able to bring her to my sister's place for a visit. Unfortunately,she used her cigarette lighter to set fire to her bedroom and had to go backto the hospital. On the next visit, she waited 'til we were all asleep, and atmidnight, set fire to the house again. She was standing outside, watching,with no expression on her face.

Although this happened a long time ago, I am crying as I write this andrecalling the helplessness we all felt at the time. Even though she had donelittle to support or help, me she was still my mother. I went through a verytrying time with mixed emotions. Sometimes I thought I was very much likeher and my fate may one day be the same. Right there, I vowed to myselfI would not let this happen.

I was so tired of everything. Just like my mother, all my enjoyment in lifewas gone. Because of the workload and pressure, I couldn't be with myfriends. About the same time, I arrived home from dancing to find my long-lostbrother at my sister's place. He was acting weird, talking with ghostsand spirits, and he really freaked me out. He had split with his wife andwas very morbid. I couldn't handle this new drama and felt like my heartwas coming out of my body. Perhaps my heart was about to stop beating.At least that's the way it felt. Soon after, my brother was converted andbecame a fanatical follower of Islam. As a Moslem, he strongly objected tomy dancing and the costumes I wore. He became ridiculously obsessive,and I had to get away. He tried to totally put me down as an infidel andwas a real vexation to my spirit.

I had a Croatian boyfriend named Zeljko and saw this relationship as a wayout. For all the wrong reasons, I agreed to marry him and move to Australia.I was not even in a fit state to sort out my own problems let alone takeon the responsibility of a husband and marriage. Yet I never once viewedwhat I was doing as running away. I was actually filled with excitementat the prospect of being married and part of a loving family at last. Theprospect of a new life in Australia was exhilarating, and I considered myselfvery fortunate. I really had love for my new husband and cared very muchabout him. My time wasn't always bad with him. We enjoyed life as well butnot always. No matter how positive I tried to be about the relationship, hedid not make me feel secure, loved, or wanted. I craved love, respect, andromance, but it didn't go the way I needed it to.

After I came to Australia, I was still smoking and drinking, but after a fewmonths I realised I couldn't get my breath and I was getting stress andpanic attacks all the time. My mind was cluttered, and there was no peacein my life. The marriage was my mistake, and I had no one to blame butmyself. This mistake may have been the turning point in my life. I had somuch drama going on and was almost suicidal from the worry and shame.I was truly scared. My whole life had been lived in fear, and it seemed neverending. The one thing I am thankful for is that no matter what the situation,I Seda, never gave up. Never!

The Australian climate was good for me. After a few months, I stoppedsmoking and drinking and never touched drugs again. My relationship,on the other hand, was not going well at all. I didn't understand myhusband, and he certainly didn't understand or support me. I was stilldown emotionally, and he didn't seem to notice. With no friends in a newland, and not speaking English properly, I was only a housewife to him.I longed to be involved with people and with dance. From that stifledsituation I tried to get into the industry and connect with dancing andcatwalk modelling.

I wasn't able to express myself because of my poor English and low self-esteem.I was adrift in a new country, still harbouring health issues andtrying to come to grips with life as a bored housewife. I was always rejectedwhen I applied for modelling, or dancing work. I tried to get them to viewmy portfolio but they showed no interest. They just didn't want to know.Everyone was too busy to spend time with me or even look at my portfolioand I started getting confused and angry. I again felt alone in this world.My immune system was suffering; I thought something had to be seriouslywrong with me. There were very few mistakes I hadn't already made, anda common mistake is to think having a child would solve everything. Butthat is what I did. I gave in after my ex-husband insisted we should have ababy. He kept saying, "Without a baby, a family is nothing." He repeatedthis over and over again. When he gave his promise that he would becomea good husband and father, I agreed to have a baby.

My precious daughter was born while my husband was having lunch anddrinks with his mates. No one was caring for me or caring about our child.I was lost again and didn't have anyone to understand my tiredness andfrustration. I needed support, but I was alone. I felt so strongly aboutthe big responsibility of caring for my daughter that I became obsessiveand started exercising way too early, obsessively cleaning, and tryingto hide my anger and frustration. I ended up making myself quite ill. Isaw so many different doctors to find out what was wrong. It turned outI did not have just one or two problems to be concerned about. I wasdiagnosed with:

Anorexia
Auto immune disease
thyroid problems
leaking gut
pre-diabetes
ulcer
depression
panic attack
lack of bone density
premenstrual problems
lack of progesterone
lump in the breast
yeast candida
anxiety
panic attact
Adrenal Deficiency

I was a train wreck and started taking many tablets, visiting countlessdoctors for different reasons, and undergoing endless X-rays and evenbrain scans. I saw naturopaths and energy healers, attended motivationalcourses and nutritional courses, and was the 'guinea pig' for various healthproduct companies. My time was divided between fixing me, looking aftermy little one and fighting with my husband, trying to make him understandmy feelings and what I was going through. I wanted him to appreciate thatI was not always the strong person—the confident person—he saw. I wasalso vulnerable and needed support.