"Secrets" - Thru Her Eyes is about a frightened girl who searches for love and attention in all the wrong places and find herself in a pool of misery before her time. She experiences at an early age what most grown women don't experience until they are well into their mid-lives. As the girl grows up her experiences doesn't become any lesser for her time spent aging. The girl learns valuable lessons throughout her life but only takes one with her to her adulthood. As a young girl she finds herself losing her way but eventually finds her way back on the right path. It takes many tribulations before she realizes only one thing can save her from a total road of destruction. Once she figured out what was in the mirror she might not be afraid anymore, or would learning the truth about someone so close to her make her run faster? She only hopes to figure things out quickly since life was running out of options.

"Secrets" Through Her Eyes

By Alonese Crets

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2010 Alonese Crets
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4520-3764-6

Chapter One

Reality

Growing up, I didn't know the decisions I made resulted from the void in my heart. I always felt like something was missing. I was clingy to men in ways that would be questionable to others looking at me. I always wanted a man's attention and once I received his attention, I cherished what we had between us. I put the man on a pedestal.

I did not care who he was, just that he showed me some attention. In my eyes, he was capable of doing no wrong.

I remember my uncle, who appeared to be happily married, bringing over to our house a younger woman that he said was his co-worker. He was always with this woman and they were always so secretive. I thought nothing of it until I heard mother on the phone talking to someone, telling the person on the other end of the receiver that the woman was more than my uncle's co-worker. She expressed to that person that he should be ashamed of himself for bringing her around the house all the time. I then began to wonder, at my young age, what my mother meant when she said that woman was more than a co- worker to him. After several times of seeing my uncle and his "co-worker" over at the house eating and talking, I did not see the woman anymore, but I heard a conversation about how my uncle got hurt by this woman and no longer was meeting with her. I never saw that woman again.

Later, I found out and understood that conversation my mother was having over the phone. Even after understanding it in my teenage years, I did not think my own uncle did anything wrong and it was all the woman's fault for the reason he had gotten into trouble at his job. To this day, I still do not see the wrong in my uncle.

I remember craving for the attention of my father. I always wanted to be around him. When he was not around or had other things to do without me, I waited eagerly for him to return. It did not matter what time it was. I waited just so he could say goodnight and tell me he loved me. He made me feel special and let me know that I was his little girl. So what happened to me? Why was everything so screwed up for me? Throughout my adolescent years, I remember feeling lonely and wanting the love of a boy or man; it did not matter to me. If my father, uncle, neighbor's dad or neighborhood boys or boys from school showed me any attention it went right to my head.

I thought at some point in my life, when a boy said that he liked or loved me that it was filling that void and that was good enough for me. I did not know that love had to be shown and proved not only spoken. I learned the hard way, very early in life, what it meant to not have a father in my life. I learned very early in life the disadvantages of not having a father in my life were. I also learned very early in life how to take advantage of others and let others take advantage of me. Most of all I learned that I was lacking the one thing that was needed most in my life, genuine love.

My story goes as this one; I was a little girl searching for love in the wrong places. I wanted the feeling of being secure and loved by the opposite sex. It is true what they say about young girls who grow up without a father. Those girls are usually the ones who end up with; the woman beater, the mental abuser, the drug addict, the drug dealer, the gang bangers, the man with multiple children by multiple women, the high school drop-out, the loser who talks a good game, but still stays with his parents, the one who depends on the woman to take care of him as his mother would do and/or the manipulator.

Those girls also become statistics in their society by being battered women, high school drop-outs, addicted to drugs, having multiple children by multiple men at young ages, strippers, streetwalkers with pimps, believing that it's okay for the man to manipulate their mind by taking care of the man, swift women in the streets, careless women, disrespectful and disrespected women, gang bangers or your everyday girl next door who every dude on the block comes to visit frequently. It was a vicious cycle and it proved to be continuous. Those girls were all looking for one thing and that was the love that was missing from their lives as a child.

My story is repetitive at times and wordy at other times, but it hits home for that girl looking for love in the wrong place. It hits home for the girl who grew up thinking she was all by herself in the world. It hits home for the girl who cried herself to sleep every night, wishing she just had someone to talk too. It really hits home for the grown woman reflecting on her life and finally realizing she has overcome the obstacles in her life, yes, she did some things she is not proud of, but being the woman she is today, she would not change any of those obstacles she had to overcome to get to where she's standing.

Listen closely to "running scared" thru her eyes, for you will hear my familiar yet distinguished cry.

Chapter Two

Little girl Little girl

It started when I was a little girl. Who would have thought the old wives tale was correct; a girl missing her father will look for love in all the wrong ways? Well, I was that girl. I wanted the comfort of any guy then. I did almost anything for the attention. I was a little girl craving for the attention of the opposite sex. Let me start there.

At the age of seven, I lost my biological father to someone else's hands. Being I was so young, I was protected from all the details then. I remember my mother trying to protect me so much that she moved away from the only surroundings and family I knew of. I did not see that family again until I was a little older. I remember traveling halfway across the country with my great grandmother and mother. They made our final destination in a town that I later discovered would leave a bad taste in my mouth. We moved into an apartment complex that was suitable for just us three. I remember vaguely attending a school in which I was bullied by another little girl (cannot recall her name) who ended up pushing me and making me hit my mouth on the back of a chair. It was an older model chair made of pure metal and what felt like granite. It hurt like hell. I yelled hysterically because I was in so much pain. After the principal called my mother, she had me lie on a cot next to her. The blood was ridiculous, my lip was swollen and I chipped my front tooth. Imagine that. I do not quite remember what happened thereafter. I was made to return to that school and the girl who bullied me continued to attend.

A while later, I remember a little girl my age coming to stay with my mother, grandmother and I for a while. She was my cousin from Detroit. I do not know why she came to stay or even how long she stayed. I just remember her being there with me for a while. We got to know each other as young children would. We played hard and fought. We got all of our whippings together and took all our baths together. We took Christmas pictures and had to sleep together in the same bed.

Christmas was exceptionally fun this year, which is the first Christmas I can remember as a child because my cousin and I both received many things. I don't remember what all we received; I just remember being happy that day. I also remember meeting him for the first time. He stood bright-skinned, handsome and much older. I thought to myself, this is my new daddy. I loved him from the day I was introduced. My mother decided to invite him over to our apartment. I didn't know where he came from or when my mother met him. I do remember hearing my mother leave out at night, not really thinking what she was doing each night while my cousin and I were supposed to be sleeping. My grandmother was there, but she was usually watching television or up in the kitchen preparing the next days dinner. Every now and then, she would hear my cousin and I playing when we were suppose to be sleeping and that's when we'd share our whippings. Anyway, this man mother brought home for Christmas was wonderful. He was even more wonderful when mother told us to thank him for our beautiful Christmas. I remember going to the broad shouldered man and saying, "Thank you for my toys." He said, "You're welcome," and I smiled from ear to ear. I really liked this man and was happy that he was there. I thought he was that other man that everyone told me brings all the toys on Christmas day. I had no idea. I just knew mother was friends with Santa Claus. Now, here is the strange thing about this; I did not see that man again for a while. That I remember.

One day, mother came to my cousin and me and asked if we liked that man from Christmas. I quickly and happily told her yes. She just said that is good because we are going to his house. I did not know what to think. I was ecstatic - to think I was going to go over to Santa Claus's house. The next encounter was us being in this man's house. Not to visit, we went to stay for good. My cousin and I had our own room. It was not set-up for little girls to play in or anything, but it was good enough for me. My cousin and I stayed up late each night. We were in our rooms together, talking about all the fun we were going to have at Santa Claus's house. Each night came too soon; then one of those nights was interrupted. My cousin's older brother had come to get her. She and I both were devastated. We were not expecting our fun to end. We had become best friends. Nevertheless, most of all we had experienced living at Santa Claus's house. Now, all that had to end. My cousin and I were crying so hard; we did not understand why she had to leave so soon. Nevertheless, my mother explained to us that my cousin's mother wanted her to come back home and that her brother was there to take her back on the plane. She reassured my cousin and me that we would be able to visit each other soon. My cousin seemed to get over it quicker than I did because she stopped crying and ran to her brother. Before they left, my cousin came to give me a hug and whispered in my ear that we will be best friends forever and will soon see each other again. I do not really know what was so reassuring about what my cousin said, but it did the trick. I stopped crying and followed them to the door. My mother told me to get back in bed and not to worry. I went to bed feeling relieved that I would see my cousin again.

Chapter Three

The Movie

I don't know how long it was before my mother decided to drop a bomb on me that ended up changing my entire life after my cousin left. The news she decided to share with me had me feeling all upset again. As a child, I did not understand why my life had to change so drastically. Mother came to me one evening and told me she was pregnant and that I would have a baby brother or sister. I could not understand it at first. Then she asked me if I felt jealous. I remember telling her that I did not and that I was happy to be the big sister. I said that as proudly as I could. Later that night, my mother told me to go to bed and I did, but I got out of bed and went to where her and this man shared a room. I asked her to come here and she came to the hall where I stood crying. Tears welled up in my eyes for some reason and I couldn't stop them from falling. She looked at me and asked what was wrong with me. I shyly told her then that I was jealous of my new baby brother or sister and that I did not want to be a big sister. Now, the response I received after that was shockingly scary to me. My mother did not offer me any comfort, nor did she entertain this child, her child, with her feelings. She said, "Shit, I don't believe this - go back to bed." Therefore, I went back to bed still feeling ill about the big sister thing. I cried myself to sleep, but before I closed my eyes, I made up in my mind that I wasn't going to like my new baby brother or sister either way. I just knew my mother was not going to like me anymore. We never discussed my feeling anymore after that.

One evening, my mother called me to sleep in her bed with her because she wanted me to watch a movie with her and this man. Therefore, I got in between them and began to watch this movie. Before the movie started, my mother said it was a little graphic. She said I might need to cover my eyes at times and not be afraid. I told her "okay", bravely wondering what about she was talking. The movie's credits began to rollout. I attentively watched the movie as the beginning played. It was an older movie. It was about a poor family. The young boy in the movie was a slave and so were his family. I remember seeing the young boy running for his life; he was trying to get away from the white people that were chasing him. I don't really remember much of the movie. I only remember bits and pieces of it, like the way the boy was trying to get away, him being sold to a white family and being separated from his own family. I also remember the boy growing up. It seemed as if the boy knew that being a slave was wrong. Each time he ran away, he was punished. I remember the last time he ran away the white people wanted to teach him a lesson. They also wanted to make an example of him, so they cut off his foot. I remember thinking to myself that was horrible. I began to cry. I felt sorry for the young boy. I could not understand why they were being so mean to him. My mother comforted me and told me that is not the way people are treated now. She said that was a long time ago and people are not that mean anymore. After that incident in the movie, I was afraid to continue watching, but I did. When it finally went off, I vowed that I would not forget the name of the movie and that I will never watch it again.

One day, my mother came in my room and she had another surprise for me. I was very happy. She told me she and the man were getting married and that he was going to be my new daddy. I grinned from ear to ear because now, I could call this man daddy. I did not remember where my daddy was, I just knew I had not seen him in a long time, so I was happy to call this man daddy. I was so happy that I think I wore the word `daddy' out and said it every chance I could. I was so proud to have this man, Santa Claus, as my daddy.

My great grandmother had not been staying with us during this time, but periodically she would visit. Then I noticed my grandmother visiting longer than normal. My mother said she was getting ready to deliver the new baby and was going to need help after the baby came out. I pretended to understand what she meant by this. I figured she needed help delivering the baby and since grandma was always around, she was going to help deliver the new baby. My mother finally went to the hospital to have her new baby. My daddy took me to the hospital to visit my mother and my new baby brother. He told me his name was William. I thought that was a nice name.

Meeting my baby brother for the first time was a wonderful experience. I only felt jealous one time after he was born. I told my mother that he needed to go back where he came from. I do not remember why I said that, but I am sure I was acting bratty at the time. After that, every feeling I had about being the big sister was positive. I could not wait until he came home with me so I could teach him things I knew. I wanted to hold him, feed him, play with him and watch him sleep. I was not afraid anymore of being his big sister because I was so proud to have a little brother. The first day he came home, my grandmother watched him. She would not let me touch him because she said he was too little and I could hurt him. She did let me watch her do everything for him. My mother was sleep most of the time while he was an infant, so she was unable to do for my brother. Eventually mother regained her strength and began to help around the house. She became very busy, causing my grandmother to stay longer than intended. Mother took on a project of opening a local record and video store. She decided she wanted to do something with her time. Grandmother stayed with my brother and I while my daddy worked and mother worked at her new store. Mother allowed me to work at the store occasionally and employed some neighborhood boys to do odd jobs around the store. These boys were not my friends, but they were some boys that were known around the neighborhood. My grandmother ended up staying with us for a little while longer. Then she finally left when my brother was able to attend pre- school; by this time he was about one and a half.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from "Secrets" Through Her Eyesby Alonese Crets Copyright © 2010 by Alonese Crets. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.