Life's challenges can diminish our awareness of the communication occurring in our bodies, hearts, and spirits. In The Secret Life of Communication, Dr. Annie B. Wilson guides us inward so we can align the mind, body, heart, and spirit; express our own true voice; deepen our connection to the divine; and build relationships that fulfill our deepest desires. Using real-life stories from her personal journey and those of her clients, Dr. Annie B. explains communication from an holistic approach. The Secret Life of Communication discusses how to experience unity and freedom through the four layers of communication and shows you how to: build harmony in your mind, body, heart, and spirit; nurture communication with loved ones and coworkers; obtain freedom from resentment and fear; facilitate pain-free confl ict resolution; realize the joy of knowing you are enough, just as you are; and; gain unity with divine love. With humor and insight, The Secret Life of Communication teaches us how to listen and respond to all aspects of communication. It facilitates self-knowledge and healing through deeper communication with ourselves and others

The Secret Life of COMMUNICATION

Opening to Unlimited LoveBy ANNIE B. WILSON

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Annie B. Wilson, PhD
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-4614-7

Contents

Foreword....................................................................................................xiIntroduction................................................................................................1What Happens When We Communicate?...........................................................................9Life Is a Mirror of What We Believe about Ourselves.........................................................17The Four Organs of Perception...............................................................................25The Mind Is Beautiful and Limited...........................................................................25The Body Speaks with Sensations.............................................................................28The Heart Contains Deep Wisdom..............................................................................34The Spirit Speaks Our Personal Truth........................................................................38The Four Layers of Communication............................................................................47Layer One: I want what I want, and I am right...............................................................49What to Do When Someone Else Is in Layer One................................................................63Tips for Moving through Layer One...........................................................................66Tips for Setting Clear Boundaries...........................................................................69Layer Two: I want what you want, and I am right.............................................................71Elevator Exercise...........................................................................................77What to Do When Someone Else Is in Layer Two................................................................91Tips for Moving through Layer Two...........................................................................92Layer Three: We want what each other wants, and we both are right...........................................95How to Reach New Agreements.................................................................................108Layer Four: I want what is in the highest good for all living things, and love is right.....................119Remembrance.................................................................................................127An Example of Walking through the Four Layers of Communication..............................................139Beginning in Layer One......................................................................................140Identifying Patterns........................................................................................141Moving into Layer Two.......................................................................................142Exploring with If/Then......................................................................................143Relaxing into Layer Three...................................................................................144Opening to Love in Layer Four...............................................................................145Perceiving Truth in Remembrance.............................................................................146Treating the Roots..........................................................................................147Concluding Thoughts.........................................................................................148Afterword: Self-Care in Communication.......................................................................149Receive What You Crave......................................................................................150Embrace Gentleness and Rest.................................................................................152Dwell in Gratitude..........................................................................................154Dare to Dream...............................................................................................155Tips for Self-Care..........................................................................................157Acknowledgments.............................................................................................161Notes.......................................................................................................163

Chapter One

What Happens When We Communicate?

If you've ever taken a seminar about effective communication, you probably learned that less than 10 percent of the effect of communication can be attributed to words. The rest is attributed to tone of voice and nonverbal cues. Why is that? Why can't we just say what we want to say and expect the other person to understand us? Because communication is all about interpretation—what goes on inside of us when we listen to or watch someone else communicate.

I often have conversations with my friends without their participation! I think about talking with them, imagine their responses, and then, because my thoughts are so vivid, sometimes can't remember if the conversation actually happened. We don't just communicate with our voices (or hands) and body language. Those are important because they help us to express ourselves to others. But before we ever communicate with another person, we communicate with ourselves! We do it while others are speaking, too.

Think of little Bridget. When her fingers were entwined in her hair, her body was communicating, I'm in pain! Because she didn't know how to free herself, her survival instinct probably was thinking, I'm trapped! And from the sound of her cries, I could tell that her heart was feeling scared. All of that communication was occurring in a nine-month-old baby, just as it occurs within each of us in every moment.

That's what I did one summer when my neighbor was driving me crazy. For years, I had wanted to live in an old, craftsman-style home, so it was a joyful moment when I signed the lease for the little, blue 1930s cottage with a view of the river and bright red tulips growing in its flowerbeds. After having lived in an apartment I hated for twelve months, I felt happy to be in a house again, especially one with so much charm. What could be wrong with that? Plenty!

The old wood floors creaked more than I expected, and there was a tenant in the basement. During my first few weeks in the house, I felt terrible about walking around in the morning, knowing that my neighbor might be woken up by my movements. While I did everything I could think of not to disturb her, she slammed her door every time she went in or out, and she blasted her music, even at night when I was trying to rest.

Because I had moved from a much larger apartment, I needed storage space in the little garage that came with the house. For weeks, I asked my neighbor to move some of her things to make room for me. Eventually, she gave me less than half the amount of space I had requested, but I made do.

Are you starting to see a difference between my neighbor and me? On the surface, it might seem that I was more considerate than she was. That might be, but ...

I had something to learn from this situation, something about how I was communicating with myself. Instead of dwelling on how my neighbor should change, I decided to look at what part I was playing in my own discomfort.

Every time I felt annoyed by my neighbor's behavior, I asked myself, What is my irritation really about? Then I paused for a few seconds to notice whatever came to my mind. At first, I wasn't sure how to interpret the thoughts and images that came to my mind after asking the question, but after about a week, I figured it out: my neighbor was very comfortable taking up space.

She did not apologize for being who she was. Apparently, she did not care if she disturbed other people, as long as she honored what felt good to her in the moment. Wow! What would it feel like to live that way? I wondered. All my life, I had tried to make other people comfortable, even at the expense of my own comfort. Also, when I anticipated success, the idea of taking up lots of space (by being energetically "big") was overwhelming. Sometimes I felt guilty at the thought of it.

That's what my irritation was really about: she got to do something that I was denied. When I recognized this difference between my neighbor and me, I decided to challenge my long-held belief that it was not okay for me to take up space. I slammed my door a couple of times, not to disturb my neighbor or to spite her, but simply to see what it would feel like. I have to admit, it felt good! And the world did not come to an end. Nobody yelled at me or told me to be quiet. In fact, nothing happened at all.

After that revelation, I decided not to feel guilty for walking around in the morning. This might sound crazy, but for the first few days, I had to tell myself that I was not doing anything wrong when I took an extra trip to the kitchen (and over my neighbor's bedroom) for tea. During the first two weeks of this experiment, I awoke feeling very anxious nearly every day. My breathing was shallow, my stomach felt nauseous, and my mind raced with frantic thoughts that didn't make much sense.

Previously, when I would awaken feeling anxious, I would quickly get out of bed and distract myself with some activity or television. This time, I decided to make room for my anxiety, to be with it instead of trying to pretend it didn't exist. Before getting out of bed, I paused, gave attention to my breathing, and slowly expanded each breath.

It felt awkward to breathe deeply, taking up more physical space and more oxygen, but I did it anyway because I wanted to break the cycle of anxiety. As I gently expanded each breath, I repeated to myself, There is enough space for everyone, including me. The first few times I said that to myself, I wondered, Is that really true?

In the past, I would have asked that question and then become distracted by memories of the many times I was told to be quiet or not attract attention while I was growing up. I would have let those memories tell me what was true, that I should not take up space. This time, I watched the memories float through my mind and noticed my body feeling more anxious; then I decided to think of the memories as a movie, separate from me and my truth. As soon as I made that decision, the memories seemed to lose their grip on my attention, and I was able to notice my own inner voice.

I asked myself, Is it really true that there is enough space for everyone, including me? In my mind's eye, I saw the word Yes written in a lovely black script, with terra cotta and gold colors swirling behind it. It was beautiful.

When I gave my attention to the word and the beauty surrounding it, the anxiety in my body released. My stomach and shoulders relaxed. I felt my body sink into the bed as my breath naturally expanded. I even felt a little excited, as if I had just opened a present.

However, my mind struggled a bit. This new experience did not seem logical. It did not match the messages I had paid attention to for decades, the ones that told me there was not enough space for me, and I should not disturb or inconvenience anyone. I accepted that struggle, because I knew that my mind took care of me by deciding what was true, based on repetition.

I decided to be gentle with my mind by not judging it for believing something about me that was not true and that had caused me a lot of pain over the years. Instead, I just decided to repeat the process of asking myself if there was enough space for me, and then pausing to breathe fully and pay attention to my internal response, until my mind caught up.

I could have avoided all that reflection and confronted my neighbor instead. I didn't do that for two reasons. First, she got louder when I asked her to be quiet. Second, and more importantly, I knew that ...

When I paid attention to my thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and intuition, new possibilities came into view. In the end, my neighbor served as a mirror so I could recognize and free myself from the illusion that I was less worthy of taking up space. That was much more satisfying than a confrontation would have been.

Life Is a Mirror of What We Believe about Ourselves

What would you say if I told you that everything in life is a mirror of what you believe about yourself? When I teach this concept in workshops, some people take offense because they assume that I mean they are responsible for everyone and everything in their lives (which is definitely not true). Other people ask me, "Annie, I'm my own person. How can someone else be a mirror of my beliefs about myself?"

In reply, I explain that our perception of ourselves, other people, and the events we experience or observe is shaped by our beliefs about ourselves. In this chapter, I will show you how this works and how looking into the mirror can increase your joy and freedom.

Many spiritual traditions and motivational speakers teach that life is a mirror of our thoughts or emotions. I teach that life mirrors our deep beliefs about ourselves because it is those beliefs that create thoughts and emotions.

For example, I have an optimistic nature and am very sensitive to hearing people complain or gripe. For years, whenever a coworker or friend griped about something, I became very irritated. I usually didn't say anything to them, but in my mind, I spent a lot of time and energy criticizing them and thinking about why they should not complain. When I heard them, my shoulders became tense, and sometimes my fists clenched, and I got a stomachache.

In one way, those people were a mirror for me because their verbal griping was a reflection of my silent but fierce criticism. I could have looked at this situation and determined that I should just stop criticizing other people if I wanted the reflection to change, but if I had stopped there, I would have missed the deeper lesson.

When I looked beyond the surface and asked myself what my irritation was really about, eventually I realized that it annoyed me to hear others say what they thought or felt while I censored myself in an attempt to be a "good girl." I believed that I had to be positive and agreeable at all times in order for people to like me.

I did not have to actually express those feelings or thoughts to anyone. I just had to believe that it would be okay if I did, that I had permission to be honest and open without fearing that people would reject me and I would be left alone.

That example was a bit serious, but looking into life's mirror can be playful too. Have you ever seen Wendy's Where's the Beef? commercial? It was one of the most popular commercials of 1984 and starred a short, elderly lady who demanded to know, "Where's the beef?" as she peered over the counter of a burger joint whose burgers had huge buns with little burgers. (If you haven't seen it, a quick Internet search will bring up the video.)

What was that commercial trying to get us to do? Buy hamburgers. Why would we buy hamburgers if we had lots of chicken in our refrigerators? That commercial's purpose was to let us know that beef was more valuable, and we didn't have enough of it.

That's what commercials do; they reinforce our sense of lack so that we will consume. It is very effective because thoughts that we are not enough or there is not enough for us are familiar to most of us. Oh, I don't have enough beef. I'd better go to Wendy's!

That was a very successful campaign for Wendy's, and it was a funny commercial, but the subliminal message was: You don't have enough beef, and you won't feel satisfied until you get some from Wendy's. That commercial capitalized on the common belief: I don't have enough.

Many of us use television to escape painful thoughts only to find them growing stronger in the background. That's what happened to me. I have never been a person who could watch one or two shows and then turn my TV off. If I was home, my TV was on. I didn't particularly like watching TV, but it helped to distract me from loneliness and worry ... or so I thought.

In 2005, I decided to conduct an experiment. I wanted to find out how watching television affected my communication, especially my communication with myself. For two weeks, before turning on the TV, I noticed my emotions, how my body felt, my anxiety level, and the thoughts that were going through my mind. Then, I watched a show that I typically enjoyed and noticed how I felt afterward. Each time, after just fifteen minutes of watching, I noticed that my breathing had become shallow, my stomach and shoulders had become tight, and I felt more anxious or irritable.

Even though I was watching shows about home improvement and nature, I found my thoughts about myself becoming very negative. I noticed myself thinking things like, I should have a house like that at this stage in my life ... My home isn't nice enough ... I'm not thin enough ... I should go on a diet ... I'm hungry! ... I'm lonely ... Too bad no one will want to be with me because I'm too fat, and my home isn't nice enough. You get the picture, right?

I noticed my reactions early on in my experiment, but I continued it for the full two weeks because I was hoping the first few days had been a fluke. I didn't want to give up my TV. I negotiated with myself that it might not be so bad if I watched less TV, so I turned off my TV and covered it with a blanket to prevent myself from watching more than two shows.

I drew red stop signs and taped them to the TV screen. I turned the TV around. Each tactic worked for oh, about an hour. After two weeks, it was clear that my habit of using the TV to distract myself was not doing me any good, and moderation was not an option. I decided I had to take a drastic step if I was going to save myself from this self-destructive habit.

I threw my TV into a Dumpster. It wasn't environmentally friendly of me, but it sure felt good! My TV was the style with a built-in VHS player, so it was heavy. Late one evening, I lugged it down the stairs from my apartment, across the sea of anthills that stood in place of a lawn, to the Dumpster.

I grabbed the TV from its built-in carrying lip, swung, and tossed it—right into the side of the Dumpster. With a resounding crash, it landed on the concrete, clinging to life. For a split second, I thought, Maybe it's salvageable! Then, No! This is what I want! I picked up the television for the last time, aimed at the open door, and heaved it in.

What do you think happened next? Did I suddenly feel wonderful about myself and realize the truth—that I was enough? No.

Changing the belief that I am not enough is a journey, one that I am glad to be on every day because my life keeps getting better and more fun. Now, when I watch for them, I receive lessons and reminders in unexpected, even silly ways.

One summer shortly after finishing my graduate studies, I moved to Missoula, Montana, which had a population of around 80,000 people. After having lived in Austin, Texas, for six years, I was glad to be in a city with a slower pace. However, I soon realized that although everything on the outside had slowed down, my pace on the inside was still racing. That's because ...

On a beautiful Saturday morning three weeks into my life as a Missoulian, I decided to get a latte on my way to explore a nearby hiking trail. A coworker had recommended a local espresso shop, and although I knew I was driving in the right direction, I was not sure where to turn.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Secret Life of COMMUNICATIONby ANNIE B. WILSON Copyright © 2012 by Annie B. Wilson, PhD . Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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