CHAPTER 1

Personal Story: Entering the Jungle

Have you ever had a perfect morning? One wherethe sun was shining brightly, the sky was clearand blue, and the air was fresh? I had such a day. It wasa stunningly beautiful Saturday morning with a clear,azure sky—an absolutely perfect summer's day. At thattime, I had already been off work due to another healthissue and was in Toronto for a "recuperation" weekend.I had activities planned and was looking forward to afun and relaxing time. Little did I know then that mylife was about to change.

While taking a refreshing shower on that superbsummer morning, I discovered three lumps in a clusterin my right breast on the side leading toward the armpit.The cluster wasn't visible with the naked eye (I hadchecked in the mirror), but I could certainly feel themwhen I touched the area. I was understandably surprised,but at the same time, I was not overly alarmed. I knewthat many lumps are benign, and certainly, I wasn'tgoing to worry about them at this point. I didn't evenknow how long the cluster had been there, as I hadnot been doing regular checkups on myself. Of course,this was the first lesson I learned—always do regularcheckups. Deciding not to pay too much attention to itat that moment, I was determined to be as positive aspossible. Lots of fun things had been planned for thisweekend and I'd really been looking forward to it for along time, so nothing was going to spoil it.

The first step when I returned to Ottawa was toconsult with my family doctor. His initial impressionwas that they looked benign, but to be on the safe side,he recommended tests at the hospital. The appointmentwas two weeks away.

During those two weeks, I decided that the bestmedicine for me was to take control of this issue andthe first step on my journey was to remain positive.I worked hard at trying to train my self-conscious towork with my body in sending and receiving positivemessages. I continually told myself that the lumps werenot cancerous. This had put me more in a better frameof mind for my appointment.

My goal right from the start was always to be ashealthy as I could be. I have always felt that worrying isa waste of energy. I needed my body and mind to worktogether on this issue, so it was important to be positiveno matter what came my way. I wanted to have a goodperspective, be able to see things clearly, and remaincalm, so that I would be better able to make the rightdecisions along the way. Especially if the news was thatI had cancer. It was going to be mind over matter.

When I went for my mammogram, I was mentallyready. I wanted the test so that we could determine mystate of health. The test went well, but the results stillwere not very clear. I was a bit apprehensive, but I alwaysbelieve that worrying is a waste of energy. I controlledmyself and trusted enough in me to look ahead in apositive manner.

The next step was to have a biopsy so that a moreaccurate reading could be made. I had to wait almost aweek for my results. The waiting wasn't very pleasant,but I relied on positive thinking to get me through.Again, I wanted to be in the best frame of mind toreceive my results.

"Healing is a matter of time, but it issometimes also a matter of opportunity."Hippocrates

CHAPTER 2

Diagnosis: Roar of the Lions

I was at work feeling a bit apprehensive, as my mindwas wandering. A week had passed by since mybiopsy, and somehow I felt that my results must be inat the doctor's office. I had an intuition that somethingwas wrong. In the midafternoon, I called the doctor'soffice and was told they would call me back. This raiseda big question mark.

Finally, the big moment arrived. The doctor phonedme and said that the results of the biopsy were positive: Ihad breast cancer. The next step was to see the oncologistin nine days. The doctor also said that surgery would beperformed, but he couldn't tell me what kind. I had togo and see the doctor.

It was around 4:30 p.m. and I was at work. My firstreaction was to talk to my supervisor. She was affableand very sympathetic and offered me to drive to thedoctor, but I did not accept the offer. I thought I couldhandle it on my own.

I left work and walked toward my car, where I feltguided to check my tires. I was amazed to see one tirewas almost flat. Luckily, there was a gas station witha garage next to the parking lot. I drove my car to thegarage and the problem was fixed after removing theglass from the tire; the mechanic was able to patch thetire. It was around 6:00 p.m., so I decided to phone thedoctor and explained the situation. After talking withthe doctor, I felt it was a blessing in disguise. Otherwise,I could have gotten stuck in traffic. But the obstacle ofthe tire facilitated me going straight home.

I was shocked and devastated, and for the first time, Icould hear the roar of the lions. My reaction to the newswas the same as if I had heard the roar of lions in a jungle.I would try to ignore the roaring, but I would likely stilllisten. The lions would become my focus. I was mentallyprepared, but at the same time, it certainly wasn't amessage that I wanted to hear. I couldn't help feeling asense of uncertainty, and I was worried about such thingsas losing my hair, being off work, the side effects fromtreatment, the reaction of family and friends, and thepossibility of death. I simply couldn't believe that it washappening to me. I felt that my brain and my thoughtswere out of control. Yet I knew that I had to silence thelions as much as possible and remain hopeful.

I talked with other women who had gone throughcancer. They were feeling sorry for me, not beingencouraging or constructive. Their stories just made mefeel worse and even more discouraged. I felt timid and hadlost my self-confidence. Although I knew that somebodyelse's experience, good or bad, does not necessarily applyto me, their stories still influenced my emotions.

I am a strong believer that one who feels sorry foroneself has no control over oneself, so I had to be incontrol. Instead of being entangled in this situation,I had to step back. I had to see what my perspectivewas. By being detached, I could see the perspective.By stepping back and seeing the situation, I felt morein control and in charge. By going back again in thesituation, I was more in control with my emotions. Withmeditation and breathing, I felt even more in charge.

Additionally, at that moment, I did not know ifthe cancer had spread or not. This was another worryand another thing that I had to prepare for. During thenight, I was flooded with negative thoughts to the pointthat I did not have a peaceful sleep.

During those two weeks, the roar of lions wasencircling me, but I had to go back to basics, which forme was to think positive. It was my primary survivaltechnique. Positive thinking is easy to do when lifeis going well and you are happy. But the test is whenyou are faced with a major life challenge. Knowing theimplications from having breast cancer conjures upmany negative feelings, so it is hard to think positivelyduring those times. Yet I knew in my heart that unlessI did something fundamental to relax my body, I wouldcontinue to feel depressed and negative and make thesituation worse. In the end, it was up to me to takecontrol, and that is what I did.

The next day, I went to work with an optimistic outlookso that I wouldn't burden anybody with my problem. Forthe most part, I kept to myself. However, I took advantageof the beautiful sunny day and decided to go for lunchwith my coworker. I found it soothing to sit beside theriver while I ate a healthy salad. I told my friend I hadbreast cancer, and she was shocked to see how well I washandling it. I felt that her comments confirmed that mybreathing exercises were working. If I was being positiveon the inside, it should therefore show on the outside in myappearance. I felt I was on the right path to health.

That evening, I had an appointment with mychiropractor and talked to him about my cancer. Thatwas the best thing I did, because he was very supportiveof my situation and gave me a book on how to fightcancer with nutrition. Every evening, I read that bookand it helped me, giving me the strength to fight thecancer. I followed a vegetarian diet instantly. I hungin there for nine days, doing my breathing exercises,which gave me lots of energy. For me, the goal was tofocus on getting well. Negative thoughts would haveonly drained me completely, which would, of course,make the disease worse.

The big day finally came for me to see the oncologist.In a way, I felt that I had been waiting forever. Thatmorning, I woke up early feeling a bit nervous. I took ashower, had breakfast, and left at eight o'clock in orderto make it for my appointment at nine o'clock. I wassurprised to see the heavy traffic on the bridge. It wasSeptember and the colors of the trees were changing, soit looked immaculate around the Ottawa River. I havean affinity for water and everything around started tolook attractive. The sky was clear, and a clear sky inthe morning was an auspicious sign on the day of myappointment.

Surprisingly enough, I panicked, thinking that Iwouldn't make my appointment. If I missed it, then Iwould have to wait longer to see him. At this point, myintuition kicked in. It directed me to take the secondlane, which is designated for a taxi or two people ina car. I took that lane, and by chance, there was nosign of police that morning. Luckily, I made it for myappointment on time.

CHAPTER 3

Treatment: Entering the Lion's Den

The cancer specialist was a young man fromLondon, England. He was a very professional andfriendly doctor, and we had a good personality matchright from the beginning. Given that the appointmentwas at a teaching hospital, he also had an assistantstudent doctor with him and was explaining everythingto her at the same time.

At the round table in his office, he shared the resultsof my test with me. He explained these by giving me anexample of a slope ending in the river. He explained thatat the present moment, we were at the top of the hill andwe did not know what the condition of the water wasdown at the bottom of the hill, as it was obscure, unclear,and clouded. He had a very philosophical explanation,which made a lot of sense. Only during the operation,when he removed the lump, would he know more, suchas whether the cancer had spread, how far, and whetherI would need a mastectomy or not. As it happened, therewas a cancellation, so my operation was scheduled fortwo days later. So luckily, I did not have to wait long;otherwise, the encircling of the lion would be elusive.

Before leaving the hospital, I was asked by the headnurse if I had any issues, and my main issue was takingtime off from work as I only had two weeks of sick leaveleft. I was in this room where this nice nurse was andwas planning to discuss my future concerning time offfrom work and my finances. I felt claustrophobic andexcused myself from the room. I just wanted to go hometo my cozy nest.

After I left the hospital, I was very emotional andcried; I was very worried. Before I left the hospital, Iwas given a book about cancer-stricken people who hadgone through the operation with different scenarios.

After reading this book at night, I was becoming weakand depressed. I was thinking of the worst happeningto me, as some of the pictures were not pleasant—thepictures where mastectomies had been performed. Also,the stories of couples—how their lives changed afterhaving cancer and they managed to cope with it. It tookthem a few years to have normal lives again. Some ofthem had to go to counseling in order to live a normallife again. In order for me not to hear the lions, I listenedto the audio tape Cancer: Discover Your Healing Power,by Louise Hay, which helped me tremendously.

The following day, instead of being dismal, I took iteasy and meditated. I did yoga, which was comprisedof different breathing techniques, stretching, and toningof my body. I listened to the tapes of Louise Hay, whichinspired me to prepare a nice dinner and be healthful.I pampered myself by taking a tub bath with a gentlearoma in the air and lit candles around the tub; I feltpleasantly calm and peaceful. I felt blessed to have thefeeling of pleasantness. I felt ready for my operation thenext morning.

CHAPTER 4

Facing the Lions

When I woke up in the morning, I could stillhear the birds of September. I felt peaceful andconnected with nature.

My operation was at 8:00 a.m., and afterward, thedoctor said it was successful. He said that it did notseem like the cancer had spread, but my biopsy still hadto be tested, and I would have my results in a week.

Out of the three lumps, only one was cancerous. Atthat moment, I counted my blessings. I felt content andblessed to have this oncologist as my surgeon. Also, Iwas blessed to have my friends who came to visit meand showered me with flowers and goodies. Well, I said,"What more can I ask?" I was alone in Ottawa, yet Inever felt alone.

My seven lymph nodes were removed and sent fortesting at the laboratory. At home, I tried to heal myself,and I had to do the exercises for my arm by moving myfingers against the wall, climbing up and down, whichwould help my pectoral muscles. I did this religiouslyin order not to have any defects with my arm. In thebeginning, it was very hard, as my arm could not go allthe way up on the wall because the lymph nodes undermy arms had been removed. I was not being sluggishwhen it came to exercising my arm, but I was genial. Myoperation did not stop me from taking daily showers,which slowly removed the patch that was on the stitcheswhere my lump had been removed. In other words, I hada lumpectomy and my stitches started to dissolve.

With sheer determination, it started healing. I was feelingpositive again because of my breathing exercises. I was thefan of my own club. My tenacious effort in meditating anddoing yoga helped me to tap into the field of pure potentialityand practice silence, which helped my healing process. Italso made me feel supported by the universe, which helpedme a lot. It made me cope with the lions.

After a bit more than a week, I had an appointmentwith the oncologist again, and I was showered with thegood news that I was healing well and my lymph nodeshad tested negative. This was a huge relief for me, and Ithanked God for it. I have always believed in the sayingthat "God helps those who help themselves." I was told thatI would be contacted by the other oncologists, who wouldtalk to me about chemotherapy and radiation therapy.

I had an appointment with the chemo oncologist.I had a discussion with her regarding what wouldhappen if I did not take the chemo. I was a littledubious about chemo in the beginning but decidedit was my best option after the consultation with mychemo oncologist.

In the beginning, I decided to take a slow chemoand was given some oral chemo tablets that I took fora week. On the third day, which was Wednesday, Iwas feeling terrible. I had called the hospital about myfeelings and they said that it was normal. By Saturday,I was feeling terrible and talked to one doctor who saidit was normal. I had an intuition that something waswrong, but I did not follow my intuition. I deviatedfrom the spiritual path. I could have done some researchon the tablets, including the side effects and relation tothe bone marrow, in order to find out why was I feelingso awful.

It was a dark moment in my journey. I felt I wasgoing to die.

Finally, after a week I had an appointment with thechemo oncologist. From the blood test, it was discoveredthat my bone marrow was sensitive to chemo and hadstopped producing new white cells. I was asked toimmediately stop taking the chemo tablets. The chemooncologist wished I had not taken the tablets thatmorning. During that week, I really suffered due to mywhite cells being destroyed and not reproducing.

In order to have chemo, I was told I would have tohave injections, which would produce the white cells, andthen medical professionals would give me the chemo,which would kill the white cells. I was ambivalent abouthaving chemo. I felt like just a number, as if chemo wasgiven to every cancer patient. I am very glad that, inthe end, I decided not to take chemotherapy. But thechemo oncologist was not very happy with my decisionand said sarcastically that I never wanted to take chemofrom the beginning.

Even after the chemo oncologist's negative remarks,I still felt positive about my decision: my lymph nodeshad tested negative and my cancer had not spread. Idecided to take radiation therapy only, which made somuch sense to me, as it would kill any cancer cells thatwere left after the surgery. I was scheduled for radiationtherapy three months after my surgery, starting onJanuary 15. I would get it every day for four weeks,excluding weekends.