Life in Strife

Growing up was difficult for me. Of course, all children experience a degree of difficulty in growing up. They must learn right from wrong, as well as learn how to do things right. They endure discipline and have experiences that help to shape who they become and the abilities they have. Sometimes, they get it right, but quite often, they don't. With support and encouragement, however, they can lean toward positive directions and, ultimately, become successful in their endeavors as adults.

I didn't have a pleasant or happy childhood. It wasn't an impoverished life, but something was missing; something was not quite right. I felt it necessary to love, honor, and respect my mother and father. I wanted their approval, but I didn't seem to get much approval of anything that I did. It was confusing, and it baffled me.

Something bothered my father. It may have been something that happened in his past, or maybe he felt he'd been deprived in some way. There was not much communication between us. I tried to get him to talk about his past, but he wouldn't open up about it. I was not allowed to meet my father's father. My father told me only that my grandfather was not a good man — he wouldn't say how he came to that conclusion.

I most desperately wanted to have a dad who showed genuine interest in his children and was willing to spend time with them, playing games and throwing a ball around. Being a parent is much more than just making babies. A child needs to be encouraged, directed, and loved. Love was missing when I was a child. Nothing that I did made my father happy.

I began to feel that there was something wrong with me because my father didn't accept me for who I was. Still, I tried my best to please him, wondering if that day would ever come when he would be proud of me. I wanted to receive that heartfelt hug and pat on the back and hear a resounding "Good job, son."

When I was six years old, my father took me to the rifle range to teach me how to shoot my .22-caliber rifle. I learned how to care for the gun properly, and my aim improved. My father was all about hunting, fishing, and camping — that is all that we ever did when I was growing up. My father had grown up in the back country of Colorado, so he was familiar with those particular activities. It might have been that hunting and fishing were all he knew, or maybe he felt proficient in them. Some children might love the opportunity to go hunting and fishing, but I wished that we could have done other activities as well. Still, I was grateful for those fishing and hunting trips. I am sure my father bagged a lot of game in his days in Colorado, as he was quite experienced in hunting and tracking. In the forties, there was plenty of game to hunt.