The Starting Point

Most people don't have that willingness to break bad habits. They have a lot of excuses and they talk like victims.

—Carlos Santana

A change in bad habits leads to a change in life.

—Jenny Craig

So you want to quit those nasty habits, do you? Well, you can decide that quitting a bad habit is as hard as you want it to be, or you can choose to make a shift and never look back! All of us have bad habits we want to be rid of; some of these habits could even be classified as addictions. If left unattended, these bad habits move in, take root, and become much like a squatter on your land. Not only is it very hard to get rid of the nasty squatter, but residue and damage are left behind as well.

Our brains have nets—neural-nets that work together to aid our memory and cognitive functioning—they associate our life experiences. Associative memory is how we remember things, both good and bad. We can be triggered by a memory to experience nearly every emotion.

These nets become stronger the more they are used, and they weaken when they are not used as much. If you experience fear every time you pull into your driveway because you have no idea what will happen when you open your door, your brain begins to respond to the fear further and further in advance of arriving home.

Before long, the fear response begins to trigger at the very thought of going home; you don't even have to be going in that direction physically. Over time, this situation becomes a habit, and eventually you become "addicted" to the neurological-related chemistry in your brain. Now you are addicted to fear, the response that started from coming home to an unpredictable environment a few times and is now running your life.

As your tolerance builds, addiction can now take over. Tolerance means that you need more and more of the same chemical to get the same response—or that the same amount of the chemical yields diminished results over time. Have you ever had an extreme reaction to something the first time you used it, but it seemed to have less physical impact as time progressed? That is tolerance. We can build tolerance to the chemicals in our brain, similar to alcohol or another drug coming into our system from the outside.

Increased tolerance over time is one sign of an addiction, no matter the cause or substance. You can quit this addiction; it is possible to restore your sense of calm and well-being and to disengage those triggers and regain your sense of peace.

For others, habits and addictions come from external sources. These addictions can be alcohol and drug related and can also be related to sex, food, relationships, electronics, drama, exercise, and similar causes. A habit, even a good one, if overused or misused somehow can become a mighty force to contend with when you try to stop. Some people don't recognize the slippery slope until it is too late.

Several key steps can help free you from the power of a habit or addiction. The first step is to acknowledge that there is a glitch or problem in your life—something standing in the way of realizing your hopes and dreams. If nothing is acknowledged, then nothing can be assessed. When we acknowledge something, we have the opportunity to evaluate its usefulness or detriment in our life.

Most often, you will see that this habit started as something that helped you in some manner. It may have relieved some emotional burden or pain, or it may have served as a great distraction. Nonetheless, this habit slowly (or not so slowly) began to betray you and turn on you, until you were dealing with the painful and harmful issues caused by your engagement with the habit.

The time has come to acknowledge that this habit has more control in your life than you ever imagined. How did this happen? How did this habit become the master and you the slave, when it started the other way? Are you ready to reclaim your life from the thief that is addiction, no matter what form the addiction takes?

The program you are about to encounter is superb in bringing people to a more fulfilling life experience. These concepts come from a combination of formal education and day-to-day practical experience throughout my many years as an instrument for healing. For clarity of definition in this book, recovery means "the process or state of feeling better." It is the process one must go through (not around) to effectively change his or her life for the better. People typically initiate these necessary changes when the pain in their lives becomes so intolerable that there is nowhere else to turn for relief.

Along the way, many people turn to anything that will alter their mood. Food, sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, spending, video games, internet and control to the point of self-destruction are all avenues of addiction I have seen in my professional life. Emotional states such as depression, lust, pride, rage, self-pity and fear can also be used to alter mood and thus continuing to create these emotions can become addicting. Some of these I have experienced myself, while attempting to find relief from the exquisite pain that somehow felt bigger than me at the time. The pain that feels bigger than yourself is often non-verbal and may originate in previous generations yet it must be healed and released for you to be free.

In dark times, we often cry out for help. To some people's amazement, the Divine always answers our prayers, our cries for help, even when we aren't sure there will be a response or that we are even connected. This is the great humor and paradox of our beautiful, spiritual lives and this universe.

The request is always answered, yet it almost never comes as we had imagined and usually not from where we think it will come. Many people think prayers aren't being answered, when in fact they are being answered all the time—and not just in the limited ways we think they should. Our biggest and most outlandish ideas are nothing compared to the magnificence and grandeur of the creative force that sustains all that is in this universe and beyond.

When someone makes a decision to change his or her life, certain key avenues can bring about effective transformation when practiced consistently. The program described in this book is my method of choice to bring harmony, inner peace, and balance to life. When people hear that I subscribe to a holistic approach to healing, they often assume that my focus is on mind-body-spirit type paradigms. This is a useful way to approach life, yet when we are talking about healing and transformation, we must employ an additional model for long-lasting results.

In my view, healing from addictive behaviors means that one must be more fully aligned with the flow of the universe, to experience the power and presence of this creative force. Health is not the absence of sickness, as most typical Western medicine practitioners would have us believe. Health is a continuum, as is sickness. We are all in charge of what we choose regarding our level of health. Healing transcends our physical limitations and understanding. We must be willing to move beyond limitations and be open to the vast possibilities. Herein lie the answers we seek.

We start with the awareness that there is something we would like to change about the trajectory of our lives. We begin to ask questions, to seek answers, and to listen. Within these questions and our ongoing actions lies the solution to the addictive cycles that control our lives. Freedom is ours for the asking. No matter what you choose, you are right. Liberty or bondage—you choose.

The Problem

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to - alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.

—Eckhart Tolle

We are all, to some extent, addicted to something. To me, addiction means that you seek something relentlessly, even when you know it is not good for you or could kill you. Thus, it impairs some aspect of your life, and you are not free in that aspect. Electronics are addicting, playing computer games can be addicting, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, exercise, gossip—it can all be addicting.

Some are addicted to the past, stating, "This is how we used to do it," while others are addicted to the future, declaring, "This is how it will be.", Our survival depends on us waking up from all these trances and numb states and making key life changes. Are you in?

Freeing yourself from your own addictions and walking with others as they free themselves is truly an honor and a joy. It is challenging to let the hardened old way of thinking, speaking and behaving go—but you must let it go! I have heard this for a very long time and in many ways: "How do I let the burning coal go, when all I know is to hold on tighter?" I hear this from people who also say, "Even when I want to let go and have no idea how, I clutch it, and I burn. The heat burns me, yet I cannot let go. It has me ... or do I have it? There seems to be no real separation."

I myself have felt this way when I didn't know better: focus ... work ... sacrifice ... never stop ... keep going until it all falls apart. The crash is life-changing, and in the crash is the freedom to exit the trance and move beyond. Desperation precedes the inspiration that leads to your freedom.

You desperately want to drop the coal, yet you hold on for fear of what could happen. You do this even in the face of your own demise. Who or what can be trusted, except what you know—the pain? At least you know these rules. Yet you want to be free of the pain, and you are afraid to let it go at the same time. This is your quandary.

So you numb yourself, ease it somehow. The numbing works at first ... ahhh, the sweet break from all the pain and chaos! You want the pain gone, yet you continue to clutch on tightly, thus creating the addiction.

You can also become addicted to your reaction to a loved one clutching the coal and not letting go. Many people focus on others, so as not to look at themselves—though at first, they would argue this point. In this sense, I see addiction as potentially contagious. When someone you care for is out of control due to an addictive behavior pattern, you too are affected and show signs of addiction. These signs include moodiness, tolerating intolerable behavior, making excuses for unacceptable actions, increased fear and stress levels resulting from unpredictable relationships and interactions, and engaging in the addiction with the person (taking on the "if you can't beat them, join them" mentality).

Humans are creative beings. You can numb yourself in many ways. There is a sort of hierarchy of numbing agents that you may use to help ease pain, especially the non-verbal or not yet identified pain. Holding your breath is a primary numbing agent you have used since infancy to manage the pain response. So many people breathe shallow breaths from their upper chest rather than deep breaths from their abdomen. This shallow breathing signifies a level of pain or disconnection in the body. By holding your breath or breathing shallowly, you can effectively lessen your experience of pain. Then food enters as the next numbing agent—oh, yes—too much, not enough. You can numb yourself with food in many ways from overeating to starvation or alternating overeating with starving as well as controlling food in other ways. Sugar and caffeine alter mood and can numb or change your emotional state. Then you maneuver your own sexual behavior and identity. You may abuse your body, in an effort not to feel the pain you are clinging to so tightly. You numb with fear, denials, and outside substances. A longwinded monologue can numb the most intense pain by distracting the speaker from the pain.

Distractions are also great numbing agents. You may have heard it said, "To get rid of your headache, stomp on your toe." The same is true for our emotions. To forget the pain of loneliness, you may latch on to anyone who has power (real or perceived) that you can take somehow. Their power or energy will make you feel better. It is the perfect way to escape feeling your own life experience.

In reality, you are distracting yourself and numbing the pain within by latching onto another. When that person you have latched on to (the emotional hostage) begins to get distance and separates from you, you often get resentful and act up, blaming the hostage for breaking free from your trap. This is your opportunity to decide whether to come out of the trance or not. The majority of people who get into this cycle do not realize it until it has happened several times and they begin to see the pattern. This is frequently difficult to identify and to change. You can now choose to free yourself from the vicious cycle or keep it going. Remember that patterns continue and get more pronounced as time unfolds. If the cycle keeps coming up, take a look at the pattern. You can then free yourself from the clutches of the destructive cycle.

The problem we are dealing with is prevalent, pervasive, and progressive, and it can be deadly. At the least, lives are compromised and painful. At the worst, death ensues. We, as a society, are living with a deep problem, and far too many people are missing the point or don't care about the point. The point being that our society is declining on many levels due to addictions of many kinds. This problem is much, much larger and damaging than many might think. I believe you care as I do about this problem, or you would not be reading. Thankfully, there is a solution.

The Solution

Usually the first problems you solve with the new paradigm are the ones that were unsolvable with the old paradigm.

—Joel A. Barker

The way out is the same yet different for each person. The way is the same; the scenery is varied. In my experience, each person must become honest with him- or herself about the state of affairs and what, precisely, is not working for his or her life. The solution comes from within.

Anyone engaging in addictive behavior can access the solution. However, forcing the solution on another can backfire. In this book, I am operating with the understanding that you are a willing participant in your own successful recovery plan leading to freedom. Begin by offering compassion to yourself for the great adventure of being human and being alive. Keep reading, and follow the plan. You will feel better.

The solution can look different for each person. You must ground yourself. Remember that Mother Earth sustains you, and you need to reconnect with her. Too many people are disconnected from our beautiful home, Earth. When was the last time you enjoyed a sunset or sunrise? How about the change of seasons—enjoying rather than complaining? Take some time to walk barefoot on the earth and offer heartfelt gratitude. Enjoy the breeze on your face. Admire the elegant simplicity of the stars at night. Breathe in the beauty of nature around you. This connection creates the foundation for your ultimate freedom.

In many traditions, the imagery of fire cleanses you and allows what no longer serves you to be released and recycled by metaphorically burning away your blocks. Just as grounding to Earth, fire is an important element for releasing what no longer serves. You emerge from the metaphorical fire purified. Burning Bowl services and sacred fires are examples of rituals that encourage people to "burn away" the deception that comes with addiction. In these ceremonies, participants write what is blocking them on paper and then burn the paper while in a prayerful state. These ceremonies are best done while being guided by a professional. The imagery of fire is powerful and can offer healing energy to your process. One good practice is to imagine a fire and use your visionary skills to "see" your blocks being dissolved. Breathe deeply. Your breath will support your clearing of old blocks.

Then you allow air to move through you as you become more fully open and alive to what is yours to do. Breathing is a key part of all healing avenues that have staying power. Without air, your body cannot remain alive or healthy enough to serve you. I am continuously shocked at the number of people who are breathing with short, shallow breaths rather than full breaths. These same people tell me they have anxiety. Not taking in enough air signifies an emergency to the body and causes anxiety in order to get more air. Is anxiety a lack of air or a mental condition? These are very different indeed.

As you continue your freedom quest, you must allow your inner life force to flow—like water—to free you and awaken your creativity. Being rigid and controlling does not serve you now. These fear-based actions create more resistance and challenges, rather than releasing those challenges. Many indigenous cultures use flowing water as a river to wash away the pain and grief they experience. How can you use water or the imagery of water to gently cleanse yourself by flowing away the toxins and pain?

We humans are spiritual beings living here on Earth. We are, by nature, connected to our planet. Many addictive issues come from disconnection from our Earth home. Part of your plan will be to allow for a re-connection to the beauty and power of nature and all the wonder that is all around you wherever you live, work and play.

Community and connection are vital as you move along your recovery path. Loneliness and isolation are signs of blockage in your system. Addiction of all kinds starts to take over by isolating you from support, care, and love. It starts with deception, excuses, explanations, and then outright lies and destruction.