Poems From The Twelve Step Podium

AuthorHouse

Contents

Promise to my Readers.....................viiImage Recognition.........................xiMy Alcoholism.............................3Three Dotted Lines........................5Obsession.................................7Wrecked Train.............................9Keys to the Door..........................11The Survivor..............................13Drag Me to Hell...........................15Devil's Band..............................17The Beast.................................19My Big Brother............................21Angel Face................................23Dysfunction...............................25Letting Go................................27Fun and Game..............................29Denial....................................31Devil's Big Hitch.........................33My Dad....................................35Sins of My Father.........................37Shari and Bree............................39My Wife...................................41Faith, Hope, and Love.....................43The Relapse...............................45My Mom....................................47Serenity..................................49

Chapter One

Covered by this thick blanket they call a disease Running from everything, I was never at ease Spiritually bankrupt, I never gave myself a chance Running to the devil daily, just to do his next dance Bits and pieces of my misery that I still do not recall Sitting on barstools of emptiness waiting for last call Waiting for something to pull me from the pit of hell Sick and tired of everything, the walls I couldn't scale Hiding in a cloud of darkness you could not see above I began to miss my inner child and all of its open love Checking into hospitals and rehabs, the list was long Seeing doctors and therapists with the same old song One night of surrender to God, we decided no more The next day I started my journey to settle the score Instead of fighting with everything and going to hell I must listen for the wind of God and adjust my sail He brought me back to the rooms where I feel content Yet another chance at the good life that I've been sent Getting rid of all this pain they call guilt and remorse God gives me the courage to stay this tough course For whatever it takes I'm blessed with a real deal From my daughter's heart never again will I steal

Three Dotted Lines

A contract with the devil, signing three dotted lines Staying far away from God and avoiding his signs Mired in a disease that made my heart full of sin Never giving my spiritual malady a chance to win Running against the wind, I thought I was a rebel In the scheme of life found out I was only a pebble Occupied with self, wasting the precious moments Always waiting for a day to make my atonements Feeling out of place like a tree without any leaves Everything I stood for taken by the devil's thieves In a river of despair, I tried so hard to stay afloat Just an empty book waiting for lines I never wrote Like cool water evaporating on hot summer days All this pain and suffering I hoped was just a phase Now I've been in recovery for a year and one half Seeing signs of progress, I'm beginning to laugh Can I succeed this program? Only time will tell Knowledge without willingness, I surely will fail

Obsession

By the numbers you count As though keeping score Tears of bitter taste In search of much more ...

Failures and heartaches Play inside your head The numbers you count Weave a common thread ...

Your armor of balance Will be in the way Of living completely Each God-given day ...

You must slow down And let your heart feel Instead of your head Deciding the deal ...

The path to serenity Is a difficult road Addiction or obsession You carry the load ...

God's love invites you To open His gate Surrender the weakness And change your fate ...

Wrecked Train

A pathway of destruction this diseased has seen Seemed like no hope in sight to ever get clean Willing to lose it all, now that was the dare Into the hearts of loved ones I placed a scare Sitting in the front of that runaway, wrecked train Missing the miracle of sobriety science can't explain Running from the emotions I did not want to feel Scared of taking that chance to do the right deal This huge problem of mine I never could control Getting myself in trouble and digging that hole Out of the rooms and right into yet another spell Looking down again to see the open gates of hell Always letting my anger take me way over the top Then going back out, not knowing if I could stop This deadly disease I've tried desperately to tame Never knowing to turn it over would end the game Choosing to use again for that feeling to get tight Surely I will die and never see God's saving light

Keys to the Door

On the night of surrender I fell to my knees Inside the room I could feel a strong breeze Then all lit up like a park of Christmas trees No longer caught in a swarm of killer bees Within a split second I had started to sneeze Breathing whole again, not my usual wheeze Then I dusted myself off like a dog does fleas Realizing I would no longer be paying the fees Feeling the spray of the ocean sailing the seven seas Acting like a new man walking to the first hole tees All pain and suffering gone, I was finally at ease To the door out of loneliness, God gave me keys

The Survivor

The silence rings loud Desperate to be heard Thoughts racing too fast In search of a word ...

The battles are many Causing yesterday's scars Hurt becomes anger Closed tightly in jars ...

The cycle continues Not likely to end Isolation is knocking Disguised as a friend ...

Lost essence of self Without any power That moment of darkness Brings light to the hour ...

God's grace is the truth Words must be spoken Lay down the burden And silence is broken ...

Steps taken each day A beginning that's new Peace comes from within The survivor is you ...

Drag Me to Hell

Been stuck so long now that I can't even remember Having this disease that wants no one to surrender Using another day just to get back that old feeling Never giving my mind and body a chance at healing Adding more fuel to the fire for this lost and sick soul It is never enough, always putting more in the bowl Doing the same old behavior in yet another session Never taking time out to think and learn a lesson Getting so high, then deciding I could not go home Another night of suffering, and still being all alone Making all the wrong choices while knowing better Sitting in a empty room writing my daughter a letter With all of my achievements I would sit and wonder How in the hell it was just another night of blunder Drugs and alcohol in the room you surely could smell If I don't put out the fire, it's going to drag me to hell

Devil's Band

Using alcohol and whatever else I could land Willing to play any instrument in the devil's band The answer is always more in this man's disease Just to do a couple is only a meaningless tease Giving me loneliness and taking away all the fun Feeding my fears and taking me out on the run Another day riding up and down on a rollercoaster Amplifying my ego and making me a big boaster I begged for society to get the hell out of my way Becoming introverted, keeping loved ones at bay With high anxiety, I'd hole up in a motel room Another night of misery with nothing but gloom I cast aside my personality and all of its goals Willing to do whatever to pay the devil's tolls

The Beast

The beast is dark Deep as the night Confuses your thoughts Between wrong and right ...

It empties your soul No hope in sight Pushing it away Takes unmeasured might ...

Faith will be needed To endure this fight The beast is The Call That holds on tight ...

My Big Brother

Born into our active, dysfunctional family He was always a giver and doing it happily Given the same gene of addictive personality Never letting it get in the way of given ability So he promised himself never to drug or drink Putting out every effort to always first think Escaping as a kid into his school and sports Working hard to succeed and doing all sorts Never losing his passion for the fun and game He figured out this disease, and a way to tame Watching his brother's illness was killing him For if it would help, he would give every limb Picking me up when I called him from the bar If I lost the keys again or couldn't find my car His love was strong, but he did not smother Thank you God, for the gift of my big brother

Angel Face

Nine years sober when God gave me a little girl Emotions I had never felt were starting to swirl This miracle in my life, I called her angel face So beautiful she was, just like flowers in a vase I remember crying when the doctor held her up Just like a child when he gets his first little pup Of her little personality I had become quite fond Doing things together, establishing a strong bond She was four years old, and I had my first relapse Our world as we knew it had started to collapse Where was Daddy? Sometimes she just didn't know Wasting my time drinking and searching for blow Giving me unconditional love, I still can't believe Something to this day I've tried hard to conceive In and out of the program four years till I got sober My last run with the devil was just before October Coming up on two years clean, thinking I'm so smart God really saved me because of my daughter's heart

Dysfunction

There was a small child Whose horizons were wide The sky was the limit Content at our side ...

His hours spent playing No sorrows to hide Then came the turbulence Changed the course of his ride ...

The break-up cut deep For sad eyes never lied Our dysfunction took hold A child's innocence died ...

Letting Go

There is more to this program than just saying no Getting out of the blizzard and in from the snow Giving up your selfishness and directing the show Being hard on yourself and the money you owe Stop fighting the system, looking for another foe You must jump into the boat and begin to row Like grass, there are things you need to mow There are defects of character that you must hoe Principles of the program you will start to crow Taking the newcomers in and willing to help tow You begin to feel spiritual and have your own glow So just turn it over to God and start with letting go

Fun and Game

What started out to be just for the fun and game Ended up a nightmare that was dumb and lame Going through good jobs, they just went and came Losing a girlfriend, I screamed she was only a dame Hopping the bars to find another, it was all the same Searching for that pot of gold and all its told fame Getting so drunk I couldn't remember my own name Deep into my disease, I could not stand the shame Always looking for that someone to take the blame Beat down so far, the using I could no longer tame Deciding to ask for help, it was the end I proclaim Now sober, the twelve step program gets the acclaim

Denial

Denial is a web That entraps the heart Hides fragile feelings And tears you apart ...

It clouds your judgment An escape isn't smart Lost from the beacon You must safely dart ...

Back to the steps That mirrors the art God's strength and self-truth The place where you start ...

Devil's Big Hitch

Cocaine and alcohol, back and forth I could switch Always using in excess until my hands would twitch Looking for the promised land and that perfect niche Trying to get a rich deal, there was always a glitch Yet another night of using, digging the same old ditch Coming home to my girl to blame and call her a bitch Accusing her for all my wrongs and for being a witch Towed to the depths of hell with the devil's big hitch Getting sober now, listening to the twelve step pitch Pulled out by my higher power who relieves the itch

My Dad

His biggest achievement in life was getting my mom to marry him Doing all his chores and muscle work, willing to give every limb Working hard every week and putting his paycheck on the table Some of the crazy things he did, probably were not very stable Always drinking a beer while directing us on mowing the lawn Sitting in his recliner at night, resting his eyes with a big yawn Teaching us boys how important it was to take care of the yard For his family he always provided well by working long and hard Taking us to Dodgers games, going up and down Alameda Road Going on camping and fishing trips with our tent trailer he towed Being there in person for support when it came to his sons' game Not wanting us to lose, but if we did, someone else was to blame A very proud man when he saw my sister in her wedding gown Dancing and drinking at her reception, he was the talk of the town Going to Norms with me for breakfast, I think just to tip the girl Asking for rides here and there just to take the around-town twirl God didn't make him perfect, and he had his demons you know He finally stood tall and dealt with them, and he began to grow He achieved over twenty years of sobriety-a miracle some say I think it was very fitting of God to take him home on Father's Day

Twenty poetic lines for twenty years of sobriety. Thanks Dad, I love you. Rest in peace, Garry

Sins of My Father

Sins of my father Must be forgiven The road I travel Is carefully driven ...

Admission is important Determine what's real I'm never ashamed To know what I feel ...

The choices I make Shall stand as my own Mistakes repeated Will be mine alone ...

The strings that bind us Somewhat entwined But a tangled knot Is seldom defined ...

Outside the circle My bondage set free Changing the outcome Left solely to me ...

Perhaps I am wiser Realizing at last The sins of my father Are part of the past ...

Shari and Bree

The eighties were tough on me and I was always on the run Hoping alcohol and drugs would bring me happiness and fun Trying to escape the pain of growing up in a dysfunctional family Saddened to be who I was and trying everything to live happily Working hard every day at my job, just to make a good living Thinking only of self, and to family and friends never giving Trying to be a man and provider but would give in to the urge Anger and resentments toward life, I could not stop the surge Many second chances with work and relationships they gave For this lost soul, people thought there was a reason to save I was unwilling to give up the fight and conform to our society Willing to lose all at any cost for my right not to choose sobriety To far depths of loneliness and self-hate this disease would send Choices I made would make me lose things I loved in the end The affection of a girlfriend and her little girl, I could not see I missed out on a wonderful life of love with Shari and Bree

My Wife

Four years into sobriety I met this beautiful Spanish girl A couple years later we married, my heart was in a swirl She was nervous like me and took hours making her face Looking like a princess down the aisle, all dressed in lace In my thirties now, I thought I'd found the perfect mate All of her family, especially her sisters, I felt were great She became a cop, and my auto career was in full swing Never again did I think the devil would give me a ring We had a daughter and everything that money could buy She was a loving mother and wife, and cared for her guy But alcohol is a cunning foe, and I drank at twelve years The result was the same with long nights and shed tears Kicking me out of the house, she couldn't take the pain In and out of sobriety four years, I couldn't stop the rain She let me back into her life out of commitment and love Two years of sobriety but things no longer fit like a glove No longer willing to forgive me and forget the things I did Not wanting to get hurt anymore, from her heart she hid I'm forever grateful for her love and the daughter of mine Wanting to fight no more, I carry on by following His sign

Faith, Hope, and Love

We long for a place Where streets have no name Numbers don't matter They equal the same ...

To finally embrace His arms reaching out The account of our worth God hasn't a doubt ...

For while He stood quiet Our turmoil full blast We had to diminish The things in our past ...

We can't erase errors He knows who we are A slate isn't needed In His palace afar ...

It's not what we did Or intended to do That matters the most When our days are through ...

What matters to Him Reads the tally above Is whether or not There was Faith, Hope, and Love ...

The Relapse

No longer able to deal with all the stressors of this society I stopped going to meetings and eventually gave up sobriety For many years I did the deal but finally took the wrong path Started drinking and using as an escape-you can do the math Bottoms I thought I'd never see again I had to once more hit Rolling that train on those same old tracks, I just couldn't quit Back down in Watts on crack with the loneliness of the night A sturdy man that never gave up, now I couldn't finish the fight Giving up on self and turning my back on all family and friend Completely lost in denial, using so much, thinking it was the end Family life was good, and at work I was at the top of the graph Now there wasn't any joy or giving myself any reason to laugh Once a pillar of the community and living life with the solution I was getting drunk and high and adding to the world pollution

My Mom

My mother married my father, who then suffered alcoholic disease Being a co-dependent, she set aside her life for her family to please She was the backbone of our family, doing it with dignity and grace Always keeping things in order and saying everything had its place Cooking a hot breakfast in the morning, even a better dinner at night Watching her work magic in the kitchen was truly a wonderful sight Sacrificing many things just to send her children to Catholic schools Overseeing our homework, and reminding us to follow all the rules She washed and dried our clothes, and the house was kept very clean Even the pain she was in from my dad's disease, she wasn't ever mean She got us into sports and activities, always doing the best she could If she had the power to change my dad's alcoholism I know she would As we grew older and things got worse, she was an anchor in the storm She even went back to her career at work just to hold the family form Not immune to the disease, she suffered some of its scars you know To feel badly or saddened about her life-well there she refused to go The sins of our father would have destroyed us all if not for this saint She watched her son with his addiction and the pictures he had to paint Serving an alcoholic marriage with love and duty, she never lost sight Never a complaint or crying, but now I think she probably did at night Saw her son recover twice from addiction of alcohol, cocaine and meth Standing by her husband in sickness and health, until his day of death For having a beautiful mom like her, I always will feel I had a lucky run In God's grandest lottery to win best mom ever, I already know we won

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Poems From The Twelve Step Podiumby Garry Sanders Copyright © 2010 by Garry Sanders. Excerpted by permission.
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