The State of the Union

All relationships are doomed.

My relationship with my daughter, Tia, when she was six months old was very different from my relationship with the same daughter at age thirteen. If I did not adapt how I related to her at different ages, I would have doomed the relationship within months. Relationships evolve as we evolve over time, so we need to adapt to sustain the connections with our loved ones. Even if we account for the shifts in the relationships over time, they are still doomed.

All relationships within the old model of love are condemned to fail. This statement is not a supposition. It is a judiciously considered conclusion from myriad relationship statistics. This statement at face value seems pessimistic and morbid, but I assure you, it is empowering to understand the source and cause of the statistics behind this conclusion. Before we get into the source of all our problems, let us scout the terrain. Let us conduct a reconnaissance of the state of the union: the state of the relationship union.

The following are all cases of doomed relationships. I will describe each of these dysfunctional relationships very briefly. What I mean by relationships is not limited to relationships between partners. The relationship is not restricted to the relationship between girlfriend and boyfriend, between wife and husband, or between life partners. I do mean all relationships.

Sexless Relationships

About two years into a long-term relationship, the passion and desires wane, and sex becomes a chore for one or both partners. For extramarital relationships, it takes four years for the lust to fade. Orgasms occur less frequently. The excitement fizzles. At the very beginning, sex occurred every single day, and orgasms were intense and happened every time you had sex. By the end of the passion period of two years, the woman doesn't even bother to fake orgasms anymore.

Sexlessness in relationships creates an impenetrable wall between partners, especially if only one partner perpetrates it. The relationship invariably leads to unhappiness and resentment, with potential for abuse.

Unhappy Relationships

According to a story in the Daily Mail on October 31, 2010, six out of ten couples are unhappy in their relationships. Four out of ten have considered leaving their partner. And 10 percent no longer trust their partner. Over half complained that their partner was no longer affectionate and giving. Three-quarters of couples complained of a lack of passion in the bedroom.

Also, an article in the Huffington Post UK on July 12, 2013, states that millions are stuck in unhappy marriages and would not walk away for fear of financial and emotional hardship. These couples are trapped by the financial security of unhappy marriages and would only divorce if financial security could be assured. The other fear is being alone. Many feel that it is better to be unhappy than to be alone. It is plausible to say these couples fear the unknown of a divorce.

Another common reason for couples staying together is the children. Staying together for the children is noble, but it may be futile because children can sense when something is not quite right with a relationship, regardless of how well a couple thinks they are concealing it. Couples go to great lengths to hide their failing relationships. They pretend to kiss and cuddle in front of the children, family, and friends. They sleep in the same bed. They maintain the charade and façade of a happy marriage, all the while being in misery, to protect the children and avoid the stigma of a failed relationship.

I have witnessed some bitter and ugly divorces, but I more commonly see unhappy marriages. Divorces are a finite phenomenon. They have a definite end, and the parties can start their respective new lives. In contrast, unhappy marriages exist in perpetuity, with no end in sight, which adds to the hopelessness and misery. To exacerbate the problem, the partners expect they should be happy and feel they deserve to be happy. And when they are not, they blame each other.

Divorce

Statistically speaking, the divorce rate has decreased in the last forty years. However, this decline is misleading. Back in the seventies, people would leave home early on and get married, and five years later, they would divorce. Some years later, they would meet someone new and marry again. Today, rather than getting married right away, we cohabitate for five years and then separate and perhaps meet someone and cohabitate some time again before getting married much later in life. Those cohabitation/separation cycles would have been captured in the divorce statistics forty years ago. Adjusting for this cohabitation, we can safely say the divorce rate is at an all-time high. Living in a de facto relationship artificially suppresses the divorce statistics. The current divorce rates in the Western world vary from 40 to 60 percent.

Divorce is frequently the last resort for couples. As bad as the statistics are, those who divorce may be the lucky ones, for some who do not divorce may live unhappily in a marriage for the sake of children, reputation, or financial security. For some, keeping up appearances may be an everyday performance. They keep up appearances in front of the children, family, and friends. They turn up at family gatherings pretending to get along. Friends frequently do not see behind the façade of affection. Beneath all the veneer of keeping up appearances are couples in dead relationships, wishing for something different. Statistically speaking, the happiest day in the marriage is the wedding day. It is then downhill for the next five years, where the happiness level plateaus. The seven-year itch is a phenomenon where it takes about two years after this trough to summon up enough courage to divorce or have an affair.

Divorce in and of itself is not a problem. Values, standards, beliefs, views, goals, and personalities may change or become incompatible. Domestic violence is also a good reason for divorce. A divorce is not just an end of a relationship for two people. It is often the dissolution of a family. The problem lies in the aftermath of a relationship breakdown. Threats of harm, custody battles, and long drawn-out legal battles and financial settlements destroy lives and traumatize families, especially when children are involved. The problem is the pain and emotional turmoil divorce creates. For some relationships, divorce may be an inevitable end, but animosity and bitterness and suffering are not inescapable. Unfortunately, most divorces finish this way.

Infidelity

The actual rate of infidelity may not be available, given its very nature. Because people lie about cheating, by extrapolation, they lie in surveys. However, estimates have been around 50 to 65 percent of married men and 40 to 55 percent of married women have had affairs before the age of forty. Naturally, different countries around the world experience different rates of infidelity, depending on cultures and their particular attitude toward extramarital sex. Infidelity is a major cause of relationship breakdowns.

Infidelity is frequently a symptom rather than the cause of a relationship's breakdown. The happiness in the relationship would have been declining from the start. Satisfaction levels drop almost linearly from the beginning of the relationship for about five years. From then on, it plateaus and never gets back up. Infidelity occurs at this stage in a relationship.

According to the statistics, men have affairs more frequently than women, but they often do not leave their relationships. Women, on the other hand, more often than not, will exit the relationship when they have affairs. Women often have more emotional investment in the affair, whereas men have affairs mainly for the sex.

Regardless of the statistics, infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of the commitment and love of the relationship. Infidelity is a violation of trust. It is traumatic for both the partner and children.

Domestic Violence

Globally, approximately 35 percent of all women who have been in a relationship have experienced physical or sexual violence by their intimate partner. Almost half of all homicides of women are done by partners. There are global and local campaigns in all corners of the world to halt this global epidemic. Laws have been passed to criminalize domestic violence, sexual harassment, and marital rape.

However, these have been met with limited effectiveness and success due to the reluctance of the victims to report these crimes to authorities. This rate has steadily increased in the last ten years, which indicates these measures have not been effective and that only a paradigm shift in attitude can make a difference.

Child Sexual Abuse

The frequency of child sexual abuse is difficult to determine because it is often unreported. The fact that family members perpetrate the majority of acts of abuse contributes to this difficulty. Furthermore, the perpetrator is almost always known by the victim. Studies by the Crimes Against Children Research Center estimate that one in five girls and one in twenty boys are victims of child sexual abuse. Many victims of abuse suffer low self-esteem and grow to mistrust adults. Child sexual abuse correlates with higher incidences of sexual promiscuity and teenage pregnancy.

Bullying

Bullying occurs at all ages, in all countries, and with both genders. Various studies show about one-third of young people participate in bullying, and the same proportion has been bullied at least once in the last two months. These numbers vary across different countries but are in that vicinity. Boys tend to bully more than girls. However, there is no significant difference between the two genders when it comes to being bullied.

There are many forms of bullying, including physical abuse, verbal abuse (both direct and indirect), and now cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is making it much easier to bully because the perpetrator can hide behind anonymity and distance. The permanent nature of the internet magnifies the impact of cyberbullying.

Both the perpetrator and victim are affected by bullying. There is a social cost. Apart from the immediate implications of the act, such as physical harm, there are long-term effects, such as depression and poor academic performance. Perpetrators invariably continue to bully and abuse their partners and children later in life. Therefore, bullying is a public health issue.

Mental Illness

Mental illness includes depression, anxiety, psychosis, personality disorder, eating disorders, and substance use disorders. Mental illness affects over 20 percent of adults every year, and up to half are affected at some point in their lifetime. Mental illness especially impacts young people. More than a quarter of those affected are from eighteen to twenty-four years old.

Consequences of mental illness can vary from feelings of sadness to withdrawal from social life and spending less time with friends and family. Physical symptoms can manifest as a result of mental illness. Head- and stomach aches and pains may occur. Feelings of hopelessness about life and the future are not uncommon.

As the cause of mental illness is not fully understood or known, most treatments are treatments for the symptoms. In some cases, mental illness is temporary, so treating the symptoms may be an effective way of tiding sufferers over until the illness passes.

Suicide

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), suicide rates range from one in one hundred thousand to forty-four in one hundred thousand. The suicide rate among males is double that of females. In absolute numbers, the top twenty countries account for over six hundred thousand suicides every year. Among the top countries are India, China, the United States, Russia, Japan, Pakistan, South Korea, Brazil, Indonesia, France, Thailand, and Germany. The United Kingdom and Australia rank thirty-third and forty-first, respectively. Worldwide, death by suicide is over eight hundred thousand per year. These are astronomically high numbers. We shudder at one or two hundred deaths from natural disasters, but we do not hear about suicides. Approximately two-thirds of car accident deaths are suicide.

George Bailey from the movie It's a Wonderful Life was contemplating suicide when an angel showed him what life for his loved ones would have been like if he had not existed. As bad as his predicament was, life for his friends and family would have been immeasurably worse off had he not been born. George gave us valuable insights into the thought processes of a person contemplating suicide.

He had a sense of being a burden on the people around him. George thought everyone would be better off without him. He felt the emotional pain of the situation and could not see a way out other than taking his own life. He felt hopeless about the future. There was nothing he could do to improve his circumstances.

After seeing the alternative reality of a world without him as presented by his guardian angel, George gained a renewed sense of responsibility for his own life and the lives of the people around him. He was indeed not a burden on society but a significant contributor. He suddenly saw hope in the situation, hope for him and his loved ones. If only those eight hundred thousand could see what George was able to see, they would not consider this course of action.

Teenage Pregnancy

In the last twenty years, teenage pregnancy in the developed world has decreased by over half. The reason is unclear but may be due to improved safe sex awareness or reduced sexual activities. The United States has a teenage birth rate of twenty-four per one thousand. Australia has fifteen per one thousand. The United Kingdom has twenty-five births per one thousand. Other countries have rates of up to one hundred per one thousand.

It is encouraging that teenage pregnancy has been on the decline over the last twenty years; however, it is still high, and there are socio-economic implications. Teenage pregnancy and childbirth incur substantial costs to taxpayers, with billions of dollars spent on health care and foster care. Children of teenage parents are more likely to go to prison. Adolescent mothers are more likely to drop out of school and thus attain lower educational qualifications. This leads to a loss of tax revenue for the community and to a life of poverty and reliance on government welfare for these mothers and their children. There is a high risk of children of teenage parents perpetuating the cycle of low education, unemployment, and poverty for generations.

Online Dating

Dating and meeting the opposite gender is an age-old tradition that started at the very beginning of humanity. It is a fortunate thing because you are here only because your ancestors met in the distant past. Generation after generation, this process experienced little change until the twentieth century, when cars and the telephone sped up the process manyfold. In the twenty-first century, we have ratcheted up dating even further with the introduction of the internet and dating apps on the phone. We now have the internet in our hands twenty-four hours a day. Dating is now at breakneck speed. With Tinder and similar apps, you can evaluate a potential date after looking at a profile picture for just a few seconds.

Millions of singles are using online apps to find their perfect dates, which hopefully will lead to the perfect life partner. In the United States, just fewer than 30 percent of young adults have used online dating apps. As ubiquitous as mobile dating apps are, one-third of those using these apps have not met up in real life with someone they initially met on the app. Furthermore, 95 percent of Americans in a long-term relationship met their partner offline. So doing dating faster does not necessarily make for better outcomes.

Marriage Inequality

In the last five years, the world, as a whole, has made great strides in legalizing same-sex marriages. As of today, twenty-six countries allow same-sex marriage. It is still illegal in many more jurisdictions around the world. In a handful of states, gay acts are punishable by death. Despite all the laws to prevent same-sex relationships, we all know they happen. They occur in the closet all the time.

Terrorism

Terrorism is an old tactic used by minor political or religious groups to forward their agenda. It dates to Roman times in the first century. Terrorism has been a persistent tool throughout history and continues today. The conflicts in the Middle East have caused frequent terrorist attacks all over the world.

In the seventies and early eighties, the United Kingdom experienced constant terrorist attacks perpetrated by Northern Ireland's IRA. The news stories would announce that the IRA had claimed responsibility. As a child, I wondered why anyone would claim responsibility. Why would you own up to such an atrocious crime? I would not own up to something I did that I knew was wrong. I did not understand the mind of a terrorist.