The Married Man's GUIDE TO CHEATING

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Introduction................................................1Chapter 1: The Potential Mistress...........................3Chapter 2: Know When to Hold 'Em............................11Chapter 3: Keeping Wifey in the Dark........................14Chapter 4: Saying "I Love You"..............................21Chapter 5: Know When to Fold 'Em............................24Chapter 6: Breaking It Off..................................30Chapter 7: Getting Caught...................................34Chapter 8: Up Your Game (by Hoggerello).....................38Summary.....................................................41

Chapter One

Women. Believe it or not, most married men don't just go out looking to have an affair—especially a long-term affair—but sometimes it just happens. An occasional one-night stand maybe, but sometimes we get into a steady, ongoing relationship with another woman—and that's when everything changes.

Sometimes what we think is going to be a harmless one-night stand or just a friend with benefits for a while can turn out to be a long-term, ongoing affair. One of the main reasons for this is that usually the people that we have affairs with are the people that we already know or the people that we have encounters with on a regular basis—whether it's a coworker, a friend, a friend of a friend, or even a friend of the wife! I know that sounds dirty, but those types of situations happen all the time.

Since most of these women are already aware that they are about to get involved with a married man, they should already know to keep all of their emotions in check, right? Wrong! Even though they are aware of the situation that they are about to get into, they still can't help getting emotionally involved—and the longer the affair goes on, the worse it gets. That's where all the problems start—so there are rules to dealing with a potential mistress.

Rule #1: Any woman that you get involved with should know that you're married.

Any woman that you get involved with should always be aware that you are married. Once you let her know that you're married, you're placing the ball in her court—and then it's her decision to pursue it or leave it alone.

Timing is everything on this one because if you spring the "M" word on them too quickly, it can turn them away. However, once they get to know you a little better and your personality starts to grow on them, they start to feel comfortable around you. It almost becomes okay for them to get involved with you—even though they know that you're a married man. Once they get into that comfort zone, flirting seems to become harmless banter and exchanging numbers doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore. As a matter of fact, flirting with her and being married can be something of an aphrodisiac to her—and they make you even more desirable in her eyes. I guess that's just human nature. It seems like the things that we can't or shouldn't have are the things that we want or desire the most. I guess it is the old Adam and Eve forbidden fruit syndrome.

Any woman that's willing to get involved with you knowing that you're married is probably just looking for the same fun-filled, physical, no-strings-attached relationship that you are. I can't even begin to fathom having a mistress and not being able to sleep with her. That's like having a Lamborghini and not being able to drive it—what's the point? So she's definitely in it for all of the same reasons that you are. Any woman that's willing to be your mistress is most likely willing to be your (insert fantasy here) chick as well, which brings me to rule #2.

Rule #2: Never wait until after you've had sex with the other woman to let her know that you're married.

Waiting until after you've had sex with the other woman to let her know that you're married is just asking for drama. Even if you've never denied being married or it never even came up in a conversation, she will still feel hurt and used, as if you've lied to her. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" You don't want that type of drama in your life—especially if she knows where you work or the kind of car that you drive!

One way or another, all of my married buddies and I have had to learn this lesson the hard way. I will never forget my first time stepping out in my marriage. The woman that I was involved with (let's just call her "Snickers") caught me cheating on her—with my own wife! Yes, you read that right—it wasn't a typo.

I wanted to get involved with this woman, but she knew that I was married and wanted no parts of that. Since she was thicker than a Snickers and I wanted her bad, I lied to her and told her that my wife and I were separated and weren't in a sexual relationship anymore.

You're probably thinking that I'm such a dog and that I was dead wrong. Yeah, I know—but shut up! If you had seen her, you would have done the same thing—so don't judge me! We started vigorously dating, but I was successfully hiding the fact that I was still married.

One day, my wife and I were walking together holding hands at the South Florida Fair and we walked right in front of Snickers! She looked at me in shock as if she was about to walk over to us and say something. I guess she thought twice about it—or maybe she really didn't want to deal with the confrontation—but she chose not to say anything. I'm glad that she didn't because I don't know what I would have done in that situation. I'm sure that I would have said, "Baby, I don't know this crazy bitch"! Either that or I would have punched her in the face and yelled, "Run! She has a bomb!" What other choices would I have had?

Somehow she let me go that night. I thought that she would let me off the hook and that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. She didn't let me get away unscathed—she made me pay for it later. She flattened my tires and keyed the word "Liar" into the passenger side of my car! I couldn't really get mad because I knew I deserved it. I took it with a grain of salt and sucked it up. Flattening tires, busting out windows, and keying up cars must be in the "Women That Have Been Wronged" handbook.

I learned that costly lesson the very first time that it was taught to me—and I don't ever want a refresher course. I guess that old saying is true when they said "no pain, no gain." Now I'm straight up with women when it comes to matters of the heart, and they can either take it or leave it. If it's meant to be, it'll be. I just sit back and let nature take its course.

Since most women perceive sex to be the beginning of a relationship, you should always volunteer that information so that there are no mishaps or misunderstandings later on down the road. I think I speak for all men when I say that none of us wants to deal with the head-rolling, finger-pointing, "Let me tell you about yourself" attitude when we're presenting you with an indecent proposal. We do not need to hear any of those dreaded clichés—"All men are alike," or "Men are such dogs," or the worst one of all "Oh no you didn't." When we're trying to pursue a "jump-off."

There's nothing you're telling us that we don't already know. Just go with the flow or step politely to the left and shut up—or at least do your bitching elsewhere. Thank you very much.

Rule #3: Never lead her to believe that the relationship is more than what your intentions are.

If you're only keeping the other woman around for sex, then she should be aware of that. Let her know that her share is just physical—and it could be over at any given time.

That's where a lot of guys go wrong. You should never be leading the other woman on, thinking that you may be moving in with her or leaving your wife for her—if those really aren't your intentions.

Even if you intend to leave your wife for her, you still shouldn't let her know that—you should just wait until it happens. If you tell her that you're going to leave your wife, she's going to become anxious and bothersome, wondering when she's going to get her chance to become the number one lady in your life. That's nothing but a headache and an argument waiting to happen. You know whether or not you're just keeping her around to fulfill your sexual needs—so why lie to her? Why play games and lead her to believe something that's not true? People get hurt when they play with people's feelings—and playing with a woman's feelings can get you a quick trip to the emergency room.

What you're doing is building problems for yourself and causing confusion. One lie leads to another lie and another lie and another—you can only go on for so long before those lies catch up to you. You have to be real and honest with her from the very beginning and everything else should just fall into place. The only thing that you should have to worry about is the home front, which brings me to my next rule.

Rule #4: Don't change when you start getting strange.

Strange is a term of endearment that we use to describe having sex with new people. Never change your habits or mannerisms when a new piece of ass comes into the picture. You set off all kinds of bells, whistles, and red flags at home when you start changing your habits. Don't stay out all night with the guys if you used to always be home in time for dinner. Don't start grooming well if you wouldn't shave for a funeral before. Don't buy new clothes if you were known for wearing the same pair of jeans for a week straight. By the way, shame on you if you've done any of those things.

Those telltale signs will set off a woman's intuition. Don't think for one minute that your wife isn't taking mental notes about what's happening. She just hasn't said anything yet because she's building a case against you like the DEA. She's waiting until she has enough evidence before she swoops in and takes you down. Don't let the possum trick fool you. Staying on your toes will always keep you a step ahead of the game—and two steps further away from the courtroom.

I act fidgety and restless. Sometimes I go out for a drive as if being cooped up in the house is getting to me. This little habit of irregularity makes it easy for me to slip away at random times without raising alarms or arousing suspicions.

Randomness is the shield that will keep the bullshit at bay when you're stepping out or "creeping." Having a hobby away from the wife is also a great way to keep suspicions low. Playing in a band and going to practice every day will definitely get you a lot of free time without raising much suspicion. Whatever it is, be consistent. With all of that being said, I'll repeat, "Don't change when you start getting strange.

Rule #5: Always use protection with the other woman.

Some men feel as if we can confide in the other woman. We start to develop a bond with the other woman and start putting too much trust into her, but you should never trust the other woman completely—especially when it comes to sex.

A cheater is a cheater. There is a good possibility that if she'll cheat with you, she'll probably cheat on you. As a local dj here in West Palm Beach, Fl always says (Mark McCrazy x102.3fm) I.J.S. "I'm just saying".

Always be wary of the player being played—even if you feel as though you can trust her. If she constantly says, "You're the only one I'm sleeping with," you should still always use protection with her—regardless of what she's telling you. I know this all sounds like common sense, but when we start thinking with our dicks, common sense usually goes out the window. A good friend of mine who is married had a woman on the side. One night they got drunk together, had sex, and he didn't use any protection. For weeks and weeks, he was more nervous than a whore in a church. Every married man that I know with a woman on the side who has gone in without using protection felt the same way.

The big picture is that you have to always protect yourself and your wife from any sexually transmitted diseases. It would be kind of hard to explain an STD or, even worse, a woman showing up at your house with a newborn baby that looks exactly like you! If you're rich and famous, it's much worse. All of the women I know say, "They'd better pull out or I'm keeping it!" Bitches! Always keep your head in the game and remember that it is a game. Losing that game could cost you for a lifetime! Follow the rules and stick to the script and you will have stories to tell your friends while smiling instead of crying.

Chapter Two

Every once in a while, we find that one woman that we want to keep around for a while. Maybe we are lacking something at home—or maybe it is their mental support, the way they treat us, or the fact that the sex is just that damn good!

There are two types of women when it comes to mistresses: "pressure cookers" and "teamsters." Some are in it for themselves, have no respect, and could not care less about your happy home or whomever they may hurt in the process. These women are pressure cookers because they could blow your cover at anytime.

This is the kind of woman that knows you have a lot to lose and will use that to her advantage in an almost "don't piss me of or I'll blackmail your ass" sort of way. She wants you when she wants you and needs you when she needs you. She will act like a fool if she can't have her way. She will probably go as far as to disturb your home life to get her way.

There are some unwritten rules of adultery. "Never disturb a married man's home." It's just something that you don't do—period! At that point, a man feels as though he has nothing else to lose and will defend the home front until the end. Women, don't say that you haven't been told because you've just been warned. Act crazy at your own risk!

When you start to get involved with a woman like that, drama is always just right around the corner. But, when you find a teamster—a woman that's truly down for you—there is no better feeling in the world. Make sure that she is someone who you really want to be with—not just the "I'm-married-so-I'll-take-what-I-can-get" type. You're not shopping for a car—don't just pick based on practicality or what you think you can afford. Pick something that you wanna play with a lot! If you're a breast man, go after the top-heavy melon-monger. If you're an ass man, shop based on trunk space. At some point, that relationship is gonna become work, so make sure it's worth it. In other words, nailing your wife's ugly sister because she's an easy target is a situation that you're almost sure to regret. A teamster is on your team 100 percent and wants nothing more from the relationship other than to be there for you. She knows where she stands in the relationship and won't step out of line—even when she feels like she's getting the short end of the stick—because she knows exactly where her place is. She is the type of woman that you've got to keep on your team for a while—well, at least for a little while.

I've heard people ask why some women can stay with a married man for months—or even years! I'll tell you how. The women that stick around for long periods of time as the other woman only want half a man. They don't want the full experience or responsibilities of a real relationship, such as being tied down or having someone to answer to on a daily basis. She only wants the occasional dates and the occasional sex—all while enjoying her freedom and leaving his wife at home to clean up behind him.

Most of these women get a thrill out of sneaking around with a married man because of the adventure and the always-present danger of being caught. She thinks that it's exciting to have an affair with a married man and will do anything within her power to keep it going for as long as she can—as long as it's fun.

The type of woman I'm talking about does everything that you ask, does everything that you wish your wife would do, doesn't ask questions, is always there when you need her, treats you like a king when you're together—and can suck a golf ball through a keyhole.

She is the type of woman that likes to shower you with gifts, loves to stroke your ego, shows you how much she appreciates you, and believes everything that you tell her—or at least pretends to. She can come face-to-face with your wife and doesn't get rattled, acting as if you don't even matter. She can even hold a conversation with your wife and your wife is none the wiser. A true teamster is my kind of girl!

You've got to keep a woman like that on your team for a few reasons. She's a marriage life preserver—when things feel like they're sinking, your life preserver brings you right back to the top.

I can't tell you how many times that has helped me out in my repetitive, redundant, monotonous marriage. Variety is the spice of life—and it can damn sure keep a relationship fresh and exciting. It can even make fifteen years of marriage seem like nothing. She's the type of woman that you've got to keep on your team—well, at least for a little while.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Married Man's GUIDE TO CHEATINGby Mr. Goodbar Copyright © 2011 by Mr. Goodbar. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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