CHAPTER 1

The Ideal

Girls
are like apples
on trees. The best ones
are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

- Anonymous

Why the List?

Let's talk about the basics. Sometimes writing stuff downhelps. That's easy, right? It helps you focus. And really, ithelps you reevaluate. Think of the difference between goingto the grocery store with a list and without a list.

With a list, you might not stray away from your "must-haves."Sure, there might be a great sale on tomato soupor toothpaste, but generally, you are going to get thingson your list first. When you have a list in front of you, youdon't forget. When you have a list, the choices are clear andconcise.

Without a list, you base your purchases on how hungryyou are and end up grabbing random items you don't need,like pretzel-covered peanut-butter snacks. You might, in fact,wind up with duplicates. The reevaluation begins when youstare at your half-full grocery cart as you wait in line andrealize that you don't really need half the stuff that you putin your cart. More often than not, you forget the one thingyou went shopping for in the first place because it wasn't soapparent when you were browsing the shelves.

The List: Help or Hindrance?

Should a grocery list really be compared to a list ofcharacteristics for a potential mate, someone you would liketo spend the rest of your life with? I say yes.

One of my interviews was with a woman in her fiftieswho mentioned that the list should be used as a frameworkor guideline only, and that you should not get tied down tothe list.

Here's another shopping analogy. In her book Marry Him:The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, Lori Gottlieb talksabout being either a satisfier or a maximizer. A satisfier goesto a clothing store looking for a sweater. She finds one shelikes—the price, the fit, and the color. The satisfier buys thesweater and takes it home. The satisfier is ... well, satisfiedwith the purchase. At the same time, the maximizer goesinto the same store, sees the same sweater, and finds thingswrong with it. The color isn't the exact shade she wants, thebuttons are too distracting, and it's made of wool and shewas really looking for a poly-cotton blend. The maximizerthinks the sweater is okay but also thinks that there mustbe something better. There might be a sale at the GAP, orNordstrom might have the new fall collection already, orbetter yet, eBay might have something similar for less money.So the maximizer leaves the store and goes for the hunt,looking at several stores trying to find that perfect sweater.Alas, after some time, the maximizer comes back to theoriginal store only to realize that the sweater is gone—thesatisfier bought it.

Bottom line, don't be too picky or get caught up in toomuch detail. But what's the fine line?

According to J. M. Kearns's Shopping for Mr. Right,"Shop all the time, and when you see a good one, make yourmove ... but a chance sighting of someone who could reallybe your life partner is so rare and so precious that it needs tobe acted on" (Kearns 2011, 89). Good stuff.

Potato Soup versus Lobster Theory

Which one is more expensive—potato soup or lobster? Well,that's easy. The market-price lobster is more expensive. Whichone is more rare? That's an easy question too. Which one isricher in flavor? The lobster keeps on winning! Of course, thisanalogy doesn't really apply to those who don't eat seafood.But what if the lobster was a steak—a porterhouse sixteen-ouncesteak? And I'm sure there are vegetarian options thatare either high class or lowball.

How does this analogy pertain to dating and the list,you ask? Here's how: Why go through life with potato soupwhen you can have a lobster diet? Why do people settle forsomething mediocre if they could have a delicacy? Are peopleinherently lazy? Is a lobster too difficult to recognize? Or isthe search for lobster so time consuming and frustrating thatpeople tire of it and settle for something not quite so uniqueand rare?

Case in point. I knew someone who did just that. Hewas tired of being alone. Lucky for him an attractive girlcame his way, and he was enamored. He forgot everythingthat he stood for—so for once he could feed his ego withsomeone whom he never thought would ever associate withhim. His emotions and self-doubt took over, and all he couldsee were her 100-watt smile and her perfect skin. He fell fora superficial ideal and lost his soul. Truth be told, time willtell if his love for her will last through the ages, but for nowit fills his own insecurity. It's a shame he has such insecurities(he's lovely!).

Or is it that people are insecure and don't think theyare good enough and therefore attempt to mold themselvesinto an ideal that attracts the opposite gender? Don't get mewrong—I'm all for physical exercise and dressing in style, butI realize that what really matters is an attitude adjustment:thinking positively and being comfortable in your skin. Butit's hard to adjust your attitude when there are so manyexternal factors. Can people suddenly switch their principlesand live a happy life? For sure, as long as they make a fullcommitment to their new principles and shed all resentmentsfrom past values.

What about the matching hypothesis, which states thatpeople of equal attractiveness are attracted to each other? Ithas more than an ounce of truth. We are served best in arelationship with people of equal attractiveness, because weare playing on a level field. If there is a discrepancy—if, forexample, a good-looking man dates a moderately attractivegal—other factors such as money or status are involved.Think about some celebrity couples based on this matchinghypothesis. Is it real love?

How Does the List Work?

Having a list is a starting point. Rhonda Byrne's best sellerThe Secret relates success and failure to that famous law ofattraction. Drawing upon what you want the most, even ifyou have the list ready for action, you yourself must be inthe right frame of mind. What does that mean? BarbaraDeAngelis in Are You the One for Me? says it best: "If youaren't emotionally ready to be in an intimate relationship,you'll have a difficult time determining whether you're withthe right person. The relationship won't feel right because ofyour own problems, not because you aren't compatible withyour mate" (p. 364). So get your own life together first. Thenstart shopping. It will make it easier.

* * *

Questions to Ponder

1) What makes me happy?

2) Do I feel ready to be in a relationship? (Read: HaveI dealt with the skeletons in my closet?)3) Do I think that being in a relationship will make mecomplete?

4) What can I bring to a relationship?

5) When I am in a relationship, do I find myselfconstantly trying to change or improve the otherperson?

CHAPTER 2

The List

Guys are like stars; there are a million of them,but only one makes your dreams come true.

—Anonymous

Development of the List

I didn't think that there was anything to the details of my list.I didn't have any baggage, and my experience was limited,so I was really left to my own devices when developing thislist. Naturally, I referred to my own imagination, and Grey'sAnatomy.

But there are other ways to create a list that works foryou. Those of you who have a few relationships under yourbelt can use your experience to your advantage. Take the badcharacteristics and add them to your "nay" column and addthe good characteristics from the great people that you havemet to the "yay" column.

Sometimes we don't know what we need until we're ina situation that isn't ideal. A whole learning process begins(hopefully). Note: the learning process is the hard part. Everwonder why certain people seem to always date the sametype of people? It's because they haven't learned from theprevious situation.

Our lists of desired qualities change over time. Theygrow with us, shift with our situations, and adapt to currentcircumstances of our lives. As we grow and mature, so doour lists.

In her book Are You the One for Me? Barbara DeAngelistalks about six qualities everyone should look for in a partner.These qualities are general and apply to either gender. Thislist includes commitment to personal growth, emotionalopenness, integrity, maturity and responsibility, high self-esteem,and a positive attitude toward life.

Let's look at these characteristics further.

1) Commitment to personal growth: This means thatthe person is committed to learning how he or shecan be better—at everything. It calls upon workingtogether as a team and really trying to seek help whennecessary. This becomes important when life throwsyou a curveball; you don't want a bailer.

2) Emotional openness: Bottom line, share your feelings.You're not a robot, so knowing that you have feelingsand understand how to appropriately express themis important. Random emotional outbursts can beexhausting. Just saying.

3) Integrity: Don't lie; tell the truth, and be honestwith yourself and with your partner. It soundssimple, but it's probably the hardest part of beingin a relationship. Revealing who you really are topeople whom you care about can be scary. And thetruth hurts sometimes. Some people would rather lieto make a relationship continue smoothly than facethe truth. I hate arguments myself – but sometimesthey are necessary and crucial.

4) Maturity and responsibility: What does mature evenmean? Mature people make enough money to supportthemselves and know how to take care of themselvesand be responsible for their lives. A caveat of beingresponsible is being respectful. Maturity also meansdealing with your problems like an adult. All thetattle-telling and games are exhausting and a waste oftime—your and your potential partner's time.

5) High self-esteem: "A person with low self-esteemloves in order to feel good about himself herself.A person with high self-esteem loves because he orshe feels good about himself or herself" (p. 330).Enough said. Having self-esteem and willing to acton something often go hand in hand. Having theconfidence to take risks is invigorating. A friend oncetold me, "Leap, and the invisible net will catch you."

6) Positive attitude toward life: Who really wants to bewith a negative person? So much wasted energy. Youcreate your own reality, and point of view is everything.I know there are difficult times and all you want todo is dwell on your sorrows. But turning that frownupside down is one step toward a happier reality.

DeAngelis identifies some important qualities. I thinkthat most people show varying degrees of these characteristics,and the degree of these qualities that you need depends uponwhere you are in your life.

The Science behind the List

Believe it or not, there is science to support this idea of alist: evolutionary psychology. And thanks to the book, ofthe same title (Buss, 1999) I realized that it all goes backto reproduction, which is how life goes on. I mean, thinkabout it: without babies, life as we know it would be at astandstill and we would eventually become the dinosaurs ofour time—extinct.

Thankfully, we don't have that problem. And althoughfamilies are not as large as they used to be, people are stillreproducing.

First, let's look at women and the way they mate. I promisethis won't be boring.

Women and Mating

I could compare women to some rare species of bird toillustrate that women's mating preferences have evolved, butsince one of the major goals of evolution is ensuring that thespecies continues, you can imagine where this is going.

Women are selective. In short, they need to be selectivebecause they need to make sure that their future childrenwill survive and thrive and carry on. They need to makesure that their partner fits the bill; otherwise, women mightbe flying solo. Here comes the praise for all single parentsout there: working, picking up the kids from school, andbeing two parents in one—you literally are modern-daysuperheroes!

Another reason why women are picky about theirpotential mate is that women face nine months of pregnancyfun. It involves gaining weight, moodiness, and perhaps evenmorning sickness and bed rest. This is not exactly appealing,although your hair gets shinier and you have that healthyglow. Men will have invested but a few minutes of theirtime to produce a child. Clearly, this is not the same level ofcommitment.

Now, here is where the list becomes a hindrance. Havinga static list of characteristics might not take into accounta prospective mate's future potential. Discounting a mate(or being too picky) based on the present only might leaveyou out in the cold. It's that whole shopping for a sweaterthing with an evolutionary twist. Science—gets you everytime!

All in all, women consult the list on a psychological level.Women are generally looking for mates who are willing toinvest, who are able to physically protect themselves as wellas their woman and child, who show good parenting skills,and who are compatible. Check out the chart.

If you check out the second list I made, you'll notice thatmuch of it coincides with the chart of Mating Characteristicsabove.

It looks like evolution has taught me well!

Now let's look at the results of my interview process.

In my own poll, which included more than one hundredindividuals, I asked women (single/married/divorced/partner)for the top three characteristics they were looking for in apotential mate, or, if they were married already, what theymost appreciated in their mates.

Here are the top three characteristics:

1) Sense of humor and funny (tie)

2) Smart and honest (tie)

3) Kind

Sounds like the top three hit the key points of selectinga mate who is able and willing to invest and who will showgood parenting skills.

When reviewing the results of the interviews, there weresome characteristics that stood out. One wanted someonewho was "able to build a house with their bare hands," whichgives reference to selecting a mate who exhibits physicalstrength. Someone wanted a "missionary to lead themspiritually," which speaks to a mate who has similar values.

In one of my interviews, a woman stated that she didn'thave a list for her potential mate; instead, she had a list forherself that described the person she wanted to become inthe future. Her top three traits were:

1) Independent

2) Treating herself nicely

3) Having life and career goals

She worked hard to develop these characteristics. Shewould cook good meals for herself and buy herself flowers totreat herself nicely. She focused on her own career goals andhow she could achieve them. As coincidence would have it,soon she met her husband at work.

Men and Mating

If women are looking for a mate for the long haul, where doesthat leave men? Commitment. Men who hold the promise ofcommitment may be able to attract a wider range of women.Being able to promise access to resources and a willingnessto invest in children might also entice a potential mate.Commitment increases the odds of off spring and futuregenerations.

But what are men looking for in a potential mate? Thereare similarities.

Men look for a mate with a good reproductive statusthat comes with youthfulness as it shows in age, beauty, andbehavior.

We all hear that biological clock ticking. It's true; itdoes tick. As women grow older, the ability to have childrendecreases. It may not tick as urgently as it did decades ago,as more women are having children into their late thirties oreven early forties, but it sure does tick.

Physical appearance is important, and any cover girl onany magazine will tell you this means clear skin, nice hair,and white teeth. All those are a given, but the waist-to-hipratio is fascinating. Studies reveal that the hourglass shape, asmall waist with larger hips, is universally preferred.