Paula's Journal, Grade 6

January 11, 1982

I am in love with Clark.

He is the tall cute guy with dirty-blond hair in my sixth-grade homeroom.

I asked my Magic 8-Ball if Clark would break up with my friend Lynn in the next week, and it said yes. Lynn has dark hair and big boobs. While I look like I'm eleven with a chest as flat as a board, Lynn looks like she's eighteen. The 8-Ball said it would happen Tuesday or Thursday. No luck Tuesday, so I hope for Thursday. I also asked it if he would ask me. That lucky day will be Wednesday or Friday next week.

I swear I'm going to flush the 8-Ball if it tells me another lie. It's got a worse reputation for untruth than I do.

I want to tell Clark I like him, but there is no way. I wish to hell he'd break up with Lynn. I don't even know if I like her.

Tonight I'll go to the 4-H County Council meeting with Melissa, my best friend and next-door neighbor. I met her when I was four, when my family moved to New Orleans. I'm in the finals in the Milkmake Contest. I should go every month since I'm secretary of our club.

Paula is my name. Clark is my game. Depression is my fame.

January 14, 1982

I have great news: Lynn broke up with Clark. There is always bad news with good, so here it comes. Cindy, another girl at school, broke up with Eddie, and she likes Clark. Cindy is short and so is Eddie. Cindy is also kind of bitchy. Clark's height is wasted on her. Because she's more popular and outgoing than me, I'm afraid Clark may like her more. What the hell? I've been patient all this time; why not wait for my turn after Cindy?

I won third place in the Milkmake Contest. I won a really cheap bracelet with the 4-H clover emblem on it. I don't get depressed much anymore. It is wonderful. I sure hope Clark asks me before Valentine's Day.

Paula Waters ... Mrs. Clark D. Waters ... Paula and Clark Waters

January 18, 1982

Today was absolutely awful. I hate Mrs. Sussex. She let the class out for lunch in order of quietness. The last people she let out were five of the boys and me. She said we were getting a D- in conduct. I know she won't give us a D- in conduct.

At lunch another girlfriend told me Lynn and Kurt were going together now. Kurt has blond hair and blue eyes and is the most popular boy in school. I think Lynn is so cruel to go with someone every minute.

Kurt said, "Clark would be crazy to go with Paula. He would be laughed out of the sixth grade." So I know he just goes out with the popular girls so he can be popular.

So many boys are egotistical, lying, hypocritical sons of bitches. None admit they are wrong, and they pretend to be cool and always insult the unpopular girls, except for about six I can think of. Not many out of about forty, is it? It's kind of sad.

January 19, 1982

Today I got grounded because I got a C- in conduct on my progress report. I am grounded Mondays through Thursdays for six weeks.

I got really mad and said to Dad, "I hate you!"

He didn't even seem to care.

January 24, 1982

I spent Friday night with Tina. She lives in the neighborhood too. Tina has an older sister and lives with her mom. We stayed up until 4:00 a.m. and woke up around 8:00 a.m. At night we made a Hate Melissa Club because she said all these mean things about Tina earlier that day. Tina and I already like Melissa again now, though.

Tina had her birthday party at the skating rink. It was fun. I actually couple-skated with cute, popular, blond-haired Kurt; well, he skated with me on one side and Melissa on the other. I found out Denise and Alison, two girls in the seventh grade, were smoking cigarettes.

January 25, 1982

Bill broke up with my friend Noria because she likes Stan and (of course) Kurt better. Noria told me. I told everyone. I hate her so bad.

Me, Melissa, and a few other girls started a club called the Mexican Radio. Me or Deena will be president.

My crush, Clark, told Bill to ask out Kristen, my bubbly girlfriend with a twin sister. He said he would if Clark asked me. Kristen said she would go with him if I would go with Clark. Clark is nicer to me every day. He says he's sorry for everything. I hope so bad he asks me and Bill asks Kristen.

January 28, 1982

I was elected president of The Mexican Radio club yesterday, and one girl quit. We are going to let Stephanie and Christy in. Bitchy Cindy started a rumor that Clark said he wouldn't go with me because I wear glasses. I thought about it and started to believe that Clark said it. I got mad at him. Here is our conversation:

Clark: Why is everyone so mad at me?

Me: I won't say, but I sure am. I don't intend to talk to you either. You know, Clark, that I've liked you since third grade, the first time I ever saw you.

Clark: Yes, I know.

Me: (Getting teary.) Through all those years, did you give me respect? Of course not.

He left and went to talk to Bill. Melissa heard him say that he wanted to go with me. I think he likes me!

February 5, 1982

Last night Melissa slept over. We made a rating chart for looks, personality, and overall likability. Melissa's total was sixty and mine was fifty-three. Ted gave me a ten. Clark gave me a nine and a half. Melissa's score was the highest out of twenty-two people; mine was second.

The great news is at the skating rink today, two boys (!!!), Ted and Clark, asked me to go with them at the same time. Of course I said yes to Clark. I couldn't believe it. Melissa is now going with Eddie, and they french kissed. Clark kissed me good-bye on the cheek. I am so happy.

February 13, 1982

Today I had my party. I didn't invite Cindy because she said Clark had bad taste to go with me. The party was super fun. We played spin the bottle, and I frenched Clark three times and had to kiss Stan on the cheek.

Later on Dad walked in on Clark and me lying on the bed. He asked what we were doing.

I told him, "Just talking."

He said, "Why was the shade down, and why did Clark run out when he saw me?"

I said, "I don't know why we were in the dark, but Clark ran out because he didn't want you to think we were doing anything."

He seemed all right with that.

February 20, 1982

Saturday, I spent the night with Melissa. I had to beg Dad to let me go. Melissa and I sunbathed even though it was only sixty-six degrees.

We walked up to Bill's today to play kickball. Ted and Bill were doing some yard work for Bill's mom. Melissa, Kurt, and I played catch with Bill's football. Melissa and I got hot and took off our shirts (we wore bathing suits underneath them). Kurt's eyes nearly popped off his face when he saw me take off my shirt. I liked that.

February 26, 1982

Stan called me at Kristen's spend-the-night party and told me Eddie wanted to go with me. I had already thought of breaking up with Clark. So I did. Eddie broke up with Kristen, Kurt broke up with Noria, Stan broke up with Melissa, and Bill broke up with Laura.

I think Kurt likes me better now. He used to think I was a drag. I don't think he does anymore because of Friday: Melissa and I met him in the woods by the water tower. We climbed a tree and dropped out of it to catch one another. Kurt and I ended up hugging. Then my hands got really cold. I put my hand in the pocket of Kurt's Members Only jacket. It only fit two fingers, but it felt warm.

February 28, 1982

I was going with Eddie for a few days until he broke up with me because he wanted to go with Noria. Noria broke up with Kurt.

I said to Eddie, "Since you have to be going with someone every minute, you'll have to find someone else." He hung up. I was so happy. I've gotten Melissa to call Clark and tell him I didn't want to break up with him before and to see if he would go with me again. I hope I go with him or Kurt.

March 9, 1982

Today was okay, I guess. I got a C in conduct on my report card. I got straight As besides a B in writing. I am on honor roll. I hate getting good grades. Everyone calls me a goody-goody.

March 14, 1982

Today was a pretty bad day. I had track after school and came inside to look at the day's rating charts. I got a seven and a half, which used to be a seven, from Bill. Ted lowered me from a ten to a seven. Kurt lowered me from a ten to a nine. Stan lowered me from a nine and a half to a nine. Clark gave Melissa a ten, and Lynn too. That pisses me off. I know Melissa is going to show off. I am so mad. I don't know why my ratings have dropped so much.

March 23, 1982

Everyone thinks I'm a bitch. My dreams are of Kurt Miller.

I hate my life. I told a few people today that I was going to kill myself tonight. This quiet boy, Daniel, called me to ask me not to. I felt stupid. I wish popular Kurt or my big crush, Clark, would have called instead.

March 28, 1982

My dreams of Kurt sure paid off! He broke up with his girlfriend to go with me. I was so happy.

Then I came home from school. Melissa came over. I forgot I was still on restriction (well, not really; I just told Mom that I forgot). Mom called and told me to send Melissa home. Instead we went to deliver Girl Scout cookies. I got home at 6:00. Mom was really mad at me and said she was going to ground me for three weeks. I hate her. I really do. I am the only girl who ever gets grounded, except Noria, and she doesn't get grounded as much as me.

March 30, 1982

Good news. Kurt wrote me a love note. It's the first one I have ever gotten.

It says, "How are you? You know tomorrow is the last day I am going to see you for a long time. I think that stinx. I am going to miss you so much. Oh well, I love you very much."

I really love Kurt. He leaves for vacation tomorrow and won't be in school. I will miss him.

April 17, 1982

I really, really love Kurt. He is everything in the world to me.

At the Recreation Center today, we frenched three times.

May 3, 1982

I hope so badly that me and Kurt last until summer is over. That would be so much fun because he is going to stay at his mother's, so we could write letters in the mail. Also, I will have gone with him longer than anybody else has before. Just six more weeks until it's summer. I hope I can make it.

May 9, 1982

We sure lasted through the week and have good chance for the summer, I think.

Today Melissa and me played chase with a bunch of boys behind Kurt's house. Me and Kurt frenched for three minutes and eighteen seconds – that beats Noria's record with him.

May 10, 1982

I spent the night with Melissa last night. Kurt called while I was over there and said, "Tell Paula I want to break up." Melissa told me, and we both started crying.

He called her a second time and said, "Call Noria and tell her I want to go with her." I could have killed Kurt. I hate him. I'll never forgive him. Melissa and I made a pact to not go with anyone until summer.

May 12, 1982

Kurt asked me again yesterday. It was just an offer I couldn't refuse. I still love him.

May 15, 1982

I've been going with Kurt for forty-nine days. I feel so successful. I love it. I love Kurt!

May 16, 1982

This evening, my mother and I talked about everyone having a secret self. We talked about people's insides and out — and how important both are.

She said, "It is impossible to be perfect to everyone because perfect to kids is different from perfect to teachers or parents." The only perfect I can be is perfect to myself. I'm working on it. Do you think I'll ever get there? I hope so.

May 23, 1982

While trying to be perfect to myself, I completely forgot about Kurt. He thinks I flirt with Clark, and he hates my guts. He's going to break up with me tomorrow. He told both Melissa and Lynn, and they told me.

May 25, 1982

You better believe he broke up with me ... and asked Melissa.

Thank God she's not allowed to go with him because she's my best friend.

I hate myself. I really do. I've done this to myself.

May 30, 1982

Kurt asked me. I am so happy.

June 5, 1982

Today I was at the Recreation Center. Kurt and I sat on the stairs to the roof for about thirty minutes french kissing. He felt me up. He worked his hand up to my boob and then pulled my swimsuit top down. It was just great. When we stood up, he felt my ass.

I think he likes me a whole lot better now. I wonder if he'll two-time me while I'm in New York for two weeks.

June 10, 1982

My parents found out about a picture of me and Kurt frenching. All Kurt does is get me into trouble. Is he worth it? I still think he's using me, feeling me up just for the thrill of it. And he wants to keep going further.

I'm going to get him to look me straight in the eye and tell me he loves me.

June 14, 1982

I think I'm going to have trouble getting Kurt to tell me he loves me. He thinks I'm a sex maniac, and he's telling everyone that.

He asked another girl to go with him, and he still hasn't broken up with me yet.

Thriller.

June 15, 1982

I'm very confused with life.

I wish I could just whiz through these years and get married and never think of them again. I'll be nice to my kids, help them to be social and popular. Buy for them most of the things they want, but not all. I wouldn't want them to be spoiled.

July 27, 1982

Lynn invited me to spend the night tomorrow night. Dad said no. My parents think she is ... I don't know. I don't really understand. They think some guy will take advantage of her and she won't know what to do. It's because she has an older girl's body. I think that's what they think.

I can't stop crying.

September 5, 1982

It's a pretty good day. Yesterday a new boy asked me.

I got my birthday presents from Melissa and Kurt. Kurt gave me a kitten. We named it India.

Love, Part 1

I am having an affair with Rich, my cocaine dealer.

I am completely obsessed with him.

For my thirty-eighth birthday, my husband, Jacob, throws me a party on a new rooftop lounge in Pacific Heights. We have it catered by Miso Sushi, and are joined by about twenty friends, including his partying buddies and my friends from business school.

It's a really lovely evening.

Jacob goes home early because he has to work the next day. He encourages me to stay out for a while to continue to celebrate my birthday. By midnight, when the lounge is closing, our group moves to another bar.

The cocaine is flowing.

In no time, my friend Kathleen and I leave the group in search of Rich. Of course, I know exactly in which bar to find him. As soon as we get there, Kathleen and I join Rich and his friend at their table. After a few of our other friends join us, Rich slinks away. He leaves the bar, unnoticed by everyone except me.

I feel rejected.

I can't sit with that feeling.

I jump right into a teasing flirtation with a guy named Oscar, using it to bury my hurt feelings over Rich. When the bar closes, our little group walks back to Oscar's place.

The rest of the night is a blackout blur, but I know that at the very least, I kiss Oscar.

He isn't single, either. I'm friends with his girlfriend.

There must be something wrong with me.

No one ever wanted to date me.

Prior to my husband, I had two long term relationships. When I wasn't in one of those relationships, I didn't exactly date. For six months, maybe, I would go on a binge of sex and men, a stretch of massive promiscuity. I would usually go home and have sex with one of the guys I party with, but it never turned into anything more.

I didn't feel loved.

I did feel awful about myself afterward – disrespected. And I would swear I'd never do it again.

Every single time.

When the lack of regard for my dignity and safety would get to be too much, I would shut down, completely avoiding men, and any kind of sexuality whatsoever. I liked the control I had over myself when I was celibate. Another six months, or year, would go by, and I'd crave the rush and sense of power I felt when men wanted me sexually.

During each period, sexual or celibate, I felt justified in my behavior.

There was, however, a sense that I wasn't truly happy.

I didn't know what happiness looked like.

When I am thirty-three, I meet Jacob, the man who will later become my husband.

My friend Steffie and I crash a party one night in Sausalito, in November 2005. I am in my first year of business school at Berkeley, and my friend Steffie is the only person I knew in San Francisco when I moved here in July.

Steffie and I park in a lot close to Bridgeway, and see a few guys hanging out on an apartment terrace across the street.

"Hey, ladies, come on over," one says.

Completely sober, I blush, giggle, and reply, "No thanks. We're heading to the bar." I turn to Steffie, "Well, there's always that to go back to if we don't meet anyone interesting on Bridgeway."

She smiles and shakes her head, doubtful that what we are looking for is in that apartment.

A few hours later, we're heading back to Steffie's car.

It is a typical night out for me: get dolled up, have a few drinks, and wish the man of my dreams would strike up a conversation and sweep me off my feet. By the end of the night, I am determined that next time will be different.

I am fed up.

I am impatient for a man to love me.