Creating Harmonious Relationships Begins with Knowing Yourself

Why does it seem to be more and more challenging to find a perfect mate or maintain a happy and compatible relationship? Was love always this difficult? Haven't we heard stories of people being truly fulfilled and happy in love? Is love a myth? There are more people on the planet than ever before, and traveling the world has never been easier. Not only that; now we can use technologies like the Internet to connect with others. So what is the problem? Why does it seem to be more complicated than ever to meet the right person and live happily ever after?

Before we probe that question, there may be other questions to consider. Perhaps the real questions are: Am I being the "right" one? Am I happy with who I am? Do I have issues and fears that are preventing me from finding the love I desire? Do I truly know what I desire in a relationship?

Possibly we haven't met the right person or created harmony in our current relationship because we don't know who we are, or don't know how to do our part to create a happy and healthy relationship. Or maybe we like who we are, but we don't believe we can create the relationship we want.

I have friends who believed with all their hearts that their life partners would just show up at the door, that they would not have to do anything special, go out of their way, or change who they were to meet their mates. And amazingly, they were right.

I have clients who desperately wanted to be married, and who searched and searched in vain to find a compatible life partner. Inevitably, with this desperate need to find a companion, they met someone, got married, and then realized they still were not happy. The majority of these clients are now divorced and, once again, out in the world searching for love.

I know many other people who stay in unfulfilling, unhappy, and even unhealthy relationships because they are too frightened to be alone.

These are examples of three different attitudes and three different outcomes. Each example reveals what these people think about themselves. Obviously relationships are possible. People are creating them every day. So what is the problem?

Our current beliefs about ourselves, and our fears about relationships, are creating the problems. If we have unresolved fears and doubts, we sabotage our potential to create a wonderful relationship. How can we be part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship if we don't trust or like ourselves? How can we offer the best of ourselves to another when we secretly fear we are not at our best? How can we feel safe getting into a relationship when we fear it may be the wrong one and therefore could cause us pain? How can we trust ourselves, and therefore our choices, if we fear repeating our past mistakes? How can we create a wonderful relationship if we have given up on the magic of love or have forgotten how lovable we truly are?

We have all heard that we must first be happy with ourselves, but we don't like that. Why can't someone just show up, love us unconditionally, and in doing so make our lives wonderful? The reason this won't work is that it takes two healthy, happy partners to create a healthy, happy relationship.

The first step to finding and sustaining a wonderful relationship is to know, love, and value ourselves. It is important to believe we are lovable, or we won't be able to accept or trust love. The second step is to believe in love, trust that the desire in our hearts is there for a reason, and believe that love is not only possible but real and on the way to us now. So it is important to begin the process of finding or creating a fulfilling relationship by examining ourselves. Let's first uncover some of the beliefs we may be carrying before we look at how to change our lives. We can start by looking at our past relationship choices. Discovering the hidden beliefs, fears, and motives that cause us to keep creating the same unhealthy relationships is the first step to changing.

Understanding Past Relationships

Consider your past relationships. Can you pinpoint a particular reason why most of them did not work out? And if you are currently in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship, is it not working out for similar reasons?

If you believe something was wrong with you in those relationships, then discover what those qualities — the ones that strike you as "inferior" or "unsatisfying" — are so you can either change them or realize that they are not the truth about you. This is not to say that there is actually something wrong with you. However, if you believe there is something wrong with you, it becomes an issue. Our fears and self-judgments can keep us from being healthy partners and from completely accepting love into our lives.

Do you believe, for example, that you were too weak and needy in your past relationships or too strong and demanding? Do you think you were too lazy and unmotivated or too aggressive? Were you too insecure or too arrogant? Were you too selfish and self-centered or too doting and suffocating? Or are you just really good at choosing the "wrong type of person" over and over again? If you believe you still possess any of these qualities, you may create the same unhappy experience and outcome with the next partner.

Perhaps you have changed since then. Maybe your relationship experiences motivated you to become a better person — or at least a person you like and appreciate more. If you feel you have improved, congratulations for learning from your relationships. You gained valuable insights and wisdom from your experiences. You can trust you to take care of yourself.

As you read this book, you may discover that there is nothing wrong with your particular personality traits. They may be exactly right for you, and the problem may be that you have simply not allowed yourself to be with the partner who perfectly matches your qualities. If you believe your relationships failed because of your partners' faults and weaknesses, then you can change your habit of being attracted to that type of person. Did you learn not to be attracted to that type again? If not, we are back to the original question: Do you think there is something "wrong" with you? If you feel that the failure of past relationships damaged you or made you afraid to get involved with someone again, then ask yourself: Do you think there is something "wrong" with you that would cause you to make those same choices and therefore be hurt again?

If you believe there is something wrong with you, you may continuously sabotage your relationships or prevent yourself from finding a relationship at all. If you secretly fear that your flaws or problems could hurt another person, you might flee from emotional intimacy every time an opportunity for love presents itself. Or, if you have a fear of commitment, you might be choosing the wrong type of partner over and over again so that it is easier for you to leave. The people you choose may be conveniently unavailable, unable to commit themselves to you, making it easier for you to remain single. Relationships can be our greatest mirrors and can bring our deepest issues to the surface. Sometimes it can seem easier to be single than to face ourselves in relationships.

We often go against our true natures by trying to live up to standards and expectations set by others. Many of us suppress our true natures because we feel we aren't good enough, and then we attempt to behave like someone else. But if we cannot be real with ourselves, then we probably won't be real with our partners either. We waste precious time trying to hide our defects, fearing no one will want us, or our partners will abandon us, if the truth is revealed. Conversely, we find ourselves disappointed when a partner's flaws start to emerge.

If you hide the real you, you probably will not choose the most compatible partner. You may instead choose someone you think "should" be right for you. And if you are desperate for a relationship, you will probably attract a person who is less than what you want. If you hope that someone else will make you feel happy and complete, then you will expect that person to always make you feel safe and loved. If you base your security and well-being on their behavior, when they disappoint you — and they probably will — your perceived happiness will not survive, because this happiness was not created by something deep within you. No matter how much someone loves you, if you don't love yourself, if you haven't learned to perceive yourself as wonderful and trust that each event in your life is ultimately beneficial to you, the love that someone else gives you, and the short-lived fun things that occur in your life, will never be enough to fill the void that the lack of self-love has created. While outside events and other people may spark moments of happiness in you, those good feelings will be fleeting unless you maintain deep within you a sense of well-being, self-love, and a connection to your Source — whatever you believe that Source is.

If you are secure in yourself, if you know you are wonderful and lovable, then you have a better chance of attracting a healthy partner into your life. And when your partner has a bad day, you will not fall apart. Your joy will not be contingent upon the behavior or whims of another person.

Sometimes we are drawn to people who have qualities we admire, but we fear we lack those same qualities ourselves. We may be drawn to someone who is optimistic and self-confident, but we see ourselves as weak and fearful. Rather than face our insecurities and live up to our own full potential, we hope someone else will create our dreams for us so we can feel complete and satisfied. If you doubt you can become rich and famous by means of your own talents, or if you do not believe you can create your own exciting life, you may be drawn to someone who is already exciting, rich, and famous. Seeking someone who is living out your dreams may not be the best way to create a healthy, balanced relationship, however. Instead, you and your partner may feel a sense of inequality between the two of you. One may seem to be superior, and the other may feel inferior. If you desire to be in a healthy relationship, it is better to become that which you desire.

Sometimes we end up with certain partners by default: someone we meet shows an interest in us, there is a physical attraction, and things just develop from there. Occasionally, such relationships work out, but more often than not, we discover that we have connected to the same type of person we have always chosen in the past. Once the excitement of the new relationship wears off, the same turmoil and lack of fulfillment surface.

Often, we choose partners who remind us of our parents. If we have unresolved issues with a parent, we may unconsciously choose a partner we think may help us heal the wounds we may have as a result. If we weren't "perfect" enough to earn love from a parent, maybe we can work harder and earn love from someone very similar — in this case, a partner. This person may be emotionally unavailable or critical or abusive just like that parent was, and although we do not like this behavior, it is familiar territory so we know what to expect. Knowing the personalities of the different Love Colors and purposely choosing the colors that are most compatible with our own may help us break the habit of choosing a substitute parent.

Steps to Change Your Life and Move Forward

If you are ready to change your past patterns and finally create a truly fulfilling relationship, you can take the following steps to begin the process of attracting love into your life. Chapter 7 offers additional suggestions to help you shift your relationship patterns.

BE AUTHENTIC. Once you are truthful with yourself about who you really are, and you allow yourself to live authentically, you greatly increase your probability of attracting and keeping your most harmonious Love Colors. You don't have to be perfect before love can come into your life. You need only to realize and accept that you are already the perfect lovable you. Reading about the different Love Color personalities will help you recognize and understand your true nature and enable you to give yourself permission to live authentically.

TRUST YOURSELF. The key characteristic of people who are happy and successful is that they believe in themselves. And chances are they learned to believe in themselves — which means anyone can do the same. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is self-confident and who enjoys life? It's a good bet that your partner will feel the same way.

BECOME WHAT YOU LOVE. Develop in yourself the qualities that you desire in another person. Are you asking and expecting your partner to have qualities that you are afraid to develop in yourself? This type of inequality rarely creates a successful or harmonious partnership.

Deep inside, most of us desire partners who are a better, more confident version of ourselves. As you read Love Colors, notice the qualities that most colors prefer in a companion — they are qualities that reflect those Love Colors' own positive nature. If we believe we are compassionate, friendly, and nice, we usually prefer those qualities in our mates as well. If we are healthy and active and enjoy life, we love to be with others who are healthy and active too. If you are attracted to people who are self-confident and self-actualized, do you believe they would want to be with partners who are insecure?

This doesn't mean you have to become strong and macho in order to attract a macho partner. It does mean, however, that such a person will probably desire someone who exhibits inner strength and self-confidence. Again, most of us desire to be with people who are the same as, or better than, ourselves.

TRUST YOUR INTUITION. If you learn to trust and follow your inner voice, you may end up being in the right place at the right time to meet the wonderful partner who is right for you, or you may sense how to create balance in your current relationship. Once you learn to have faith in yourself, you will also learn to listen to and trust your inner voice.

BE OPEN AND TRUST LOVE. Trust that you are a great person, and that if you are hurt in a relationship you will survive to love again. Suffering the loss of love isn't pleasant — it can be downright painful — but it doesn't have to be the end of happiness forever. Allowing yourself to trust, to be open and available, to be willing to love and fully give yourself to another, will eventually give you the ultimate reward of true intimacy. There are so many wonderful people in the world who are ready to be in a happy relationship. Allow one of them into your life.

FACE YOUR FEARS. To remove the emotional blocks that may be preventing you from entering into a satisfying partnership, begin by identifying and then exploring what frightens you in relationships. If you cannot face your fears and heal them, you will most likely bring them into your relationship. Chapter 7 may assist you in this process and help you become emotionally healthier, so that you can achieve greatness in your relationships.

REDEFINE YOURSELF. If you change how you define yourself and how your perceive yourself, you can change your relationship experiences. You may be limiting yourself by your definitions of who you are — weak, lonely, unhappy, inadequate, unhealthy, lazy, unlovable, uninteresting. You don't have to stay the same throughout your life. You have the ability to choose your own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. If others can succeed and be happy in life, so can you. You can keep what you love and appreciate about yourself and let go of the rest. If you haven't examined and changed either your behavior or your perceptions and attitudes about yourself, then it may be time to do so — unless you are willing to attract the same type of unsatisfying relationships into your life. Believe you can change.

KNOW WHAT YOU TRULY DESIRE. One of the most important steps in creating your ideal and most fulfilling relationship is to be honest with yourself about what you truly desire. If you are not sure what type of person you really want, and you have not fully considered the consequences of your choices, this may be why you have not yet created your ideal relationship.