CHAPTER 1
In the Beginning,God Knew
October
It all started in the fall. Around ten o'clock, I was getting readyfor bed. I had put on my favorite pajamas and was ready to readthe Bible. As I was leaning on my pillow, I felt a pain in mystomach. When I rubbed my belly, I felt a lump. As I continuedto rub my stomach, I felt another lump.
I called to my mother. She rushed downstairs and asked mewhat was going on. I explained what I was feeling and told herthat I had no clue what it was. I asked her to put her hand onit and tell me what she felt. She felt lumps, but she had no cluewhat they were.
I thought they would go away, but I felt the bumps for acouple of months. When the time of the month would come, Irealized I was bleeding more often than I was used to. I foundit weird but never thought to check it out. Around Christmas,some of my friends realized that I was getting a belly. Oneperson even thought I was pregnant. I thought, Something iswrong—I have to go see a doctor.
After the holidays, my mom sent me to see a gynecologist. Iwas a virgin and had no clue what an ob-gyn was. All I knew, itwas a doctor for pregnant women. When I got to the clinic, thewaiting area was full.
The secretary asked, "When was your last period? Are youtaking pills? Are you pregnant? When was the last time you hadintercourse?"I said, "I am a virgin."
Everybody in the clinic froze. Some women stopped readingtheir magazines; others just stared at me with fake smiles. Theyall looked at me as if I was lying. Of course, the secretary gaveme a look that told me she didn't believe me either. She handedme a couple of papers to fill out.
After half an hour, the doctor called me in. In his office, Isaw needles, ultrasound equipment, gels, and a bed with twoleg rests. After I explained my situation, he asked me to take myclothes off. I put on a gown and placed my legs in the leg rests. Istarted to panic. He explained that he was going to check fromthe inside to see what the problem was.
He had a long stick and was on his way to put it in my vagina.
I grabbed his hand and said, "I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin."
He stopped and put the stick away. He used his fingers instead.
When I told him he was hurting me, he realized I was reallya virgin.
He pressed my stomach and felt the bumps. He told me thatI had fibroids.
I asked, "What are fibroids?" He explained and showed mewhat they were. He scheduled an appointment for ultrasounds andX-rays. I would need to see a surgeon who could remove them.
After leaving the clinic, I was angry and sad. I was angrybecause I had not been taken seriously when I said I was a virgin.I was sad because something inside me required surgery.
On the bus ride home, I cried and whispered, "Lord, what'shappening?"
Standing Strong DespiteYour Circumstances
Lord, I Am Hurt
January
At the beginning of the new year, I was involved in my church,feeding the homeless, participating in young-adult groups,and attending several gospel concerts. Things were great. Myrelationship with the Lord was growing and I was excited aboutthe future.
By August, anger, frustration, and bitterness were buildinginside of me. Since my parents' divorce, some family memberswere talking unkindly about my brother and me. We foundout later that people was spreading rumors about how mybrother and I were responsible for what had happened betweenour father and our mother—and how we had caused theirseparation.
Hearing so many negative comments affected myself-esteem. I gave up on God. I was unhappy, depressed, andempty inside. I looked for love in the wrong places. I ended upin toxic relationships. The more I walked away from God, themore I did things that were not honoring him.
I often called my friends and my mentor to seek guidanceand help. They taught me how to ignore the lies, how to lovemyself, how to respect myself, and how to forgive. It was hardto do. My friends were praying for my family, and they kept intouch to make sure I was okay.
Later in that year, I started to pray again. It was hard, but Ihad to do it in order to have peace of mind and move on withmy life.
At the end of November, my mom and I went back to thegynecologist. I had several medical tests and found out that Ihad close to eight fibroids. Three of the fibroids were the size ofgrapefruits. I was sent to a surgeon who specialized in removingthem. He explained that it was crucial to operate as soon aspossible in order for me to be able to conceive in the future. Heexplained when and where the surgery would take place, howthe surgery would go, how long it would take, and how manymonths I would need to rest.
At the end of the meeting, I was crying in my mother's arms.I looked at her and said, "Mom, does the Lord really care aboutme?"
She answered, "Yes, and don't you ever doubt his love."
"So why am I the one who has to go through this?"
"God has a plan—and it is a good one. Do not worry."
Even though she told me not to worry, I was terrified aboutgoing under the knife. I spent my nights crying and beggingthe Lord to make the fibroids disappear. Despite all that, thingswere not going my way. They were going God's way.
When Faced with Circumstances:
• Stand firm.
• Stop believing what people are saying about you.
• Stop complaining about everything.
• Start praying about everything.
• Start believing what God has said about your life.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give youhope and a future."—Jeremiah 29:11
• Have faith.
• Stop doubting yourself.
• Put your trust in God first.
• Believe in the impossible. God will make it possible ifyou only believe.
• Speak positive things in your life: I am beautiful. I amsmart. I will succeed in my career. I am a good person. I amblessed. I am healed. I will have victory in my life.
"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."—Matthew 21:22
• Forgive. Holding grudges paralyzes your mind, heart,and soul.
• Stop complaining about what hurts.
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you mayhave against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."—Colossians 3:13
Facing Pain with theRight Attitude
When the Pain Is Unbearable
April
On Monday morning, I went to the hospital with my motherand my brother. We arrived at 9:10. I checked in and wasassigned a room. We talked and joked around while we werewaiting for the nurse. I was given a gown and was told to liedown in bed.
Two nurses brought me to the third floor with my family bymy side. When it was time to say good-bye, tears were comingdown from my eyes. I whispered, "Lord, you are with me."
The surgery room was a cold, green place; many peoplewere wearing medical masks. I was put to sleep before thesurgery began.
I woke up three hours later. I was given Jell-o and otherliquids, but I threw up all of it. My stomach could not take it.My brother was by my side. He tried to make me laugh, but allI could do was smile. I was so out of it. I was touched by howmany people visited. My mentor, my best friend, her family,and many other people prayed and wished the best for me. Iwas blessed with flowers, balloons, and so much love.
The surgeon explained to my family that the surgery hadbeen successful. The fibroids were gone. I thanked the Lordfor that.
Four days later, I went home to recover. I was nauseated. I haddiarrhea every day. All I could drink was soup. I had difficultysleeping; even passing gas was painful. During my morningroutine, I noticed the left side of my stomach was swollen andwas turning green. It was painful and sensitive. I figured it wouldpass soon since I had just undergone the surgery.
Later that Month
I was only eating soup, but my stomach was getting bigger. Itchanged from green to purple. When I started complainingabout the pain, my mom called the hospital.
The next day, a friend was kind enough to bring me backto the hospital. I explained to my surgeon how uncomfortablemy stomach felt and showed him the scar. He told me I had aninfection—a surplus of blood and liquids.
He had to open the wound so that everything could comeout. I put on another white gown and rested my legs on thestools. The doctor took two needles and froze the swollen part.He opened the wound and pressed on my stomach to drainall the blood and liquid. Since I was already in pain from thesurgery, I was screaming and crying like I was losing my life.
The doctor continued to press on my stomach to make sureeverything was out. When he was done, he stitched me up andbandaged the wound. I was soaked in blood and water. After allthat, I dried myself and got dressed. The doctor told me to goto a walk-in clinic to change my bandage every day.
My friend brought me home. Before I fell asleep, I said,"Lord, I am tired. Please stop the pain."
I cried until I could not cry anymore. For the next few days,I followed my surgeon's instructions. I went to the clinic everyday. The nurses cleaned my wound and changed my bandagesso I could heal properly.
After a couple of weeks, I had an appointment at thehospital. My physician took a look at what the nurses had done.He explained that the wound had not been cleaned properly.It had become infected again. There was an accumulation ofwhite residue.
When I heard these words, I said, "Not again."
I started to cry, and the surgeon asked my brother and mymother to leave the room. He told me to lie down on the bed.I knew my pain was far from over. He told me it was going tobe painful, but he had to remove the puss. At first, the surgeonpressed on the wound to make the puss come out. Unfortunately,nothing came out. He called two nurses to help while he openedthe wound so it would not become cancerous.
I was not put to sleep. I was on a bed without leg rests. Thesurgeon had to make an incision, remove the puss, and stitchthe wound. I was crying and tossing left and right. I was kicking,screaming, and fighting with the staff. I screamed so hard that Iwas losing my voice.
I said, "Lord, stop. Please stop. Please stop!"
The staff was encouraging me, but I could not take anymore pain. The minioperation lasted seven minutes, but it feltlike an hour. When everything was over, my family came tosee me. My brother held me in his arms, and all I could do wascry. Mom took my belongings, and the nurses brought me intoa room. I cried for hours. I was furious. My mother and mybrother did not know what to say. They were sad, angry, andtired as well.
During my hospital stay, I could not sleep. I refused to eat.I was angry, and the pain was unbearable. I was put in a roomwith three gentlemen. One was plugged to a machine thathelped him breathe. His bed was facing me. Another one hadthe television on day and night. He was half-blind and half-deaf.The third one, on my right, was snoring all day. I was miserable.I had needles in my arm and on top of my right hand. AnywhereI wanted to go, I had to carry the IV bag on a pole connected toIV lines the whole time.
The next day, I woke up around seven o'clock. I wanted towash myself in the bathroom. While getting out of bed, one ofthe nurses told me that she had to wash the three gentlemenbefore I had a chance to use the bathroom. The frustration wasbuilding inside of me. I went back to bed and cried.
A couple of hours later, I could not take it anymore. I gotout of the room. I found a public bathroom and stayed there forat least forty minutes. I was constipated, I could not walk, andI wanted it all to end. At two o'clock, more friends and familycame to visit me. They brought food, prayed with me, andkept me company. It felt good, but I was sad and alone wheneverybody left.
On my birthday, the doctor and the nurse told me I wasready to go home. I thanked them for their kindness andpatience.
The nurses came to remove the needles. The half-blind,half-deaf gentleman said, "So, you are leaving today?"
"Yes," I answered bitterly.
"Wow. You are lucky. I wish I could leave too."
I wanted to know more about him. I asked, "How long haveyou been in the hospital?"
"Three months," he answered.
He shared how he had gotten sick, why he was there forso long, and how little support he received from his family. Ifelt so bad. I was complaining about being back in the hospitalwhile he had spent ninety days going through pain, loneliness,and discomfort. My heart was broken. I wanted to pray for himbefore I left the room.
"Sir, do you mind if I pray for you?"
"You would really do that?"
"Yes."
"Nobody prayed for me before. I really appreciate it."
I prayed for his healing and his stay at the hospital.
He was crying and thanked me.
I said, "God bless you."
When my mother and my brother came to pick me up, Icried—not for myself, for this gentleman. I looked at my familyand I said, "Now I know why the Lord sent me back here.Someone needed prayer, and someone needed love."
During my recovery, my mother's friends, who happened tobe nurses, came to check on me every day to make sure I washealing properly. Other friends took me to the movies, theirhomes, restaurants, Toronto, and much more. These activitieshelped me focus on the things I liked to do and meet otherpeople despite my situation.
Later that year, I had another infection on my wound. Atthis point I lost my mind. Looking at the cuts and the stiches onmy body made me feel unattractive. I was disgusted and I feltworthless. I gave up on hope.
Even though seeing that another issue surfaced I realize thatit is important to face pain with the right attitude.
Complaining and hating can have a negative impact on yourlife and your future. In order to have peace during hard times,you must reflect on your attitude.
When you constantly complain about your pain, your family,and your friends, you focus on the problem alone. Instead ofcomplaining, take the time to listen. When you listen, youappreciate the care that your loved ones are giving you. You willbecome more sensitive to someone else who is going throughthe same thing.
Sharing and expressing hatred toward those who havecaused you harm is a natural reaction. However, when yousurround your thoughts with hatred on a daily basis, youdestroy who you are, and the people you love stop recognizingyou. Other people hurt us because they are hurting themselves.Instead of hating them, pray for them. Pray that the Lord willstop their pain so they can stop hurting others. It is not easy,but it is possible.
Even if you complain or hate, do not let the devil play withyour mind because he is waiting to destroy you as a person. Hewants you to live in depression.
I am telling you to stand up and hang in there. The Lordknows what you are going through. Run to him. If you hold hishand, you will make it.
Find the resources you need to solve the problem. Whenthe pain is unbearable, look for professional help or services.Talk to a friend or a family member who can help you duringthese hard times. Some services might require a fee, but theyare important because it will help with your restoration andyour healing. If things are hard financially, talk to a pastor or amentor who can give you professional and spiritual guidance. Ifyou know anyone who has gone through the same thing—andthey were able to move on with their lives—see what they havedone. It will encourage you to look forward.
Ask questions about how to overcome the problem, andalways remember you are not alone.
Keep yourself busy. When the pain is unbearable, focus onthe things you like to do—visiting family, traveling, going tothe spa, scrapbooking, or playing sports—whenever possible.Explore your surroundings, visit a museum, watch a play, andfocus on other things besides your problem. Surroundingyourself with ambitious, positive people will motivate you toset goals for yourself and think in a positive manner.
Get an army of people behind you. When the pain isunbearable, call people who can pray for you and mean it. Youdon't need to tell them your whole life story. You will see thatyour tears of pain will become tears of joy. Your mind will be atpeace, and your soul will be at rest. There is always someonewho is thinking about you.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while youmay have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials"—1 Peter 1:6
Pain is for a time; healing is for a lifetime.
When HistoryRepeats Itself
Lord, Not Again
After three years, I was back to my regular activities. I hadovercome my pain with a lot of help, support, prayer, and lovefrom my family and friends.
