The Power of Listening: How Listeners Control Communication

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."

—Henry David Thoreau

Each of us has the power to decide how and when to listen.

Andrew is a huge fan of the University of Nebraska football team. He watches every televised game, regardless of what else is planned. His wife, Sue, planned her father-in-law's birthday party, choosing a time when a game was scheduled because it was preferred by her in-laws. She suggested that Andrew tape the game since he could not watch. On the day of the party, Andrew made preparations to watch the football game with his friends. He was quite surprised when Sue reminded him of the party. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, this scenario with different people and different topics is played out thousands, perhaps millions, of times every day. It illustrates a simple fact that, as listeners, each of us has the power to pay attention or not. If we consciously or unconsciously elect not to listen, the speaker is out of luck. While speakers can learn tips and techniques to capture attention and engage listeners, no one can make us listen unless we want to. True, speakers can threaten, encourage, plead, or entertain us to make it easier for us to listen, but in the final analysis the power for successful communication rests with the listener.

Three Common Dangerous Assumptions about Listening

At the beginning of our listening seminars, we often ask participants to give us some of their assumptions about listening. We have collected a list of these assumptions. Although some have merit, based on our research and experience, many of our participants' initial assumptions are totally off base. See if you have made any of the following unfounded, and at times dangerous, assumptions concerning listening.

Dangerous Assumption #1

Speakers control communication more than listeners.

Many of us believe that "having the floor" means controlling the agenda, whether in one-on-one conversations or in large groups. This is why we spend so much time learning to speak effectively; we think speaking is the only currency for good communication.

In Reality:

Listeners hold communication power.

Think about meetings and programs you have attended. Have you ever been a member of a hostile audience? If so, you observed listening power first hand. No matter how skilled, charismatic, or engaging a speaker may be, we decide whether or not to listen.

The CEO of an eastern utility corporation ran into a buzz saw at a meeting of union employees. He began his presentation with a reference to the improved safety record at the plant, but was unaware that a fatal accident had occurred that morning while he was en route. A rookie lineman had been electrocuted when he failed to put on rubber gloves to handle a hot wire. The workers at the gathering began to yell angry remarks and eventually the CEO was led out the side door by the HR representative to protect him from more verbal abuse.

If the CEO had attempted to pull rank to get his workers to listen the situation would have gotten even worse.

In Reality:

Speakers cannot force others to listen.

On the other hand, listeners who are aware of their power can take full advantage of the situation.

Joanne, a retail manager at an upscale department store in Los Angeles, gives her clothing buyers full attention when discussing their options. She asks questions, uses head nods, smiles and makes eye contact to control the pace of the discussion. Her buyers don't even notice that, although she speaks very little during the planning sessions, she is in full control of the outcome.

In this case, Joanne uses her listening skills to make good use of her time by demonstrating her involvement and interest.

Dangerous Assumption #2

We can listen well when we really have to.

This assumption can lead to over confidence in our ability to listen effectively. We ask participants to test this assumption in each of our seminars. They are shown a 20-second video clip about an emergency hospital situation. We ask them, before viewing the clip, to imagine that this is a life and death situation where high level listening is critical. After being asked 10 simple questions about what they have seen and heard, few participants can answer more than four questions correctly.

In Reality:

Listening harder doesn't necessarily mean listening better.

Frieda, one of our seminar participants from Oregon, told us that she used to assume that through intense concentration she could remember important messages accurately. She relayed that her assumption was debunked when she filed an incorrect financial report based on her memory of a phone conversation while away from her desk. A government auditor challenged Frieda's numbers and her company had to pay a penalty as a result. She now records all information on specially prepared note pads and asks associates to confirm her notes.

In Reality:

Listeners over estimate how much information they remember.

Even highly trained listeners have trouble with technical and unfamiliar information. Research on retention has found that most people remember less than 50% of what was said immediately after a 10-minute talk. That percentage drops to less than 10% after 24 hours. Married couples were found to retain only 35% of the previous hour's discussion.

AT&T has capitalized on the fact that most of us cannot remember a string of seven numbers long enough to dial them after calling information. For an additional charge, the information operator will dial the number for us, thus eliminating possible or probable listening errors. Those of us who take full advantage of our listening power can beat these percentages.

Dangerous Assumption #3

When we start talking, others start listening.

Test this assumption by thinking back to a recent meeting you attended. Were you mentally and emotionally focused to begin listening the moment the first speaker began? Or were you still thinking about the unfinished work on your desk, travel arrangements that needed to be made, or countless other items on your to-do list?

In Reality:

It takes time for us to engage as listeners.

When we begin to talk, we often forget that others may not be prepared to listen. Most of us need at least a few seconds to get on track when someone else begins to speak. It's like shifting gears to let our thoughts mesh comfortably with the speaker's words and ideas.

In these situations, without conscious awareness and incentive, most of us have trouble listening immediately. This is one reason that public speakers have been trained to use attention-getting introductions such as startling statements, jokes, or personal anecdotes to capture listeners' attention.

In Reality:

We can train ourselves to listen immediately with incentive and practice.

During the Operations meetings in a disk drive manufacturing plant, several statistics were shared by the Finance and Human Resources functions. The Finance organization reported their information first while the Human Resources manager would busily prepare for her presentation. Unfortunately, during one presentation, the headcount number presented by Finance did not match the headcount number later presented by the Human Resources manager. After enduring embarrassing questioning from the Plant Manager during her presentation, the Human Resources Manager no longer used the Finance presentation as preparation time. When she heard a discrepancy in the numbers from Finance, she was able to question the premise and satisfactorily explain the differences to the Plant Manager.

With training and effort, we can change mental gears rapidly and focus on the speaker's ideas quickly.

Listening With Power

Unlike other communication skills such as reading and writing, listening is usually viewed as an innate process that requires only the ability to hear. Research reports suggest that those of us who have had specific training have more effective listening skills. For example, doctors with improved listening skills suffered fewer malpractice suits.

Most of us learned to listen by accident. Even though listening is the communication skill we use the most, it is a skill on which we have received little or no training. Because of this fact, Ralph Nichols, Emeritus Professor of Communication at the University of Minnesota, claims that our education system is upside down. He supports a federal mandate that would require listening education in both elementary and secondary classrooms. One reason for the oversight has been the assumption that if we can hear, we can also listen.

Immediately after her birth, Jennifer responded to her mother's voice and quieted her cries. After required testing, the doctor assured her parents that Jennifer had normal hearing. That knowledge did little to prepare them for Jennifer's teen years, when her listening to their instructions and guidance seemed nonexistent.

Unfortunately, the ability to hear does not guarantee the ability to listen. Our listening habits are developed early in life without specific training. Surveys of elementary school curricula suggest listening is rarely required. Most elementary and secondary schools do not offer training on listening skills. Today, some colleges offer courses in listening, or sections of classes emphasizing listening skills; however, we primarily learn listening habits from others, particularly our parents and teachers. Some of our early listening models may have been effective. Others were not so hot. Think about the listening role models you had as a child. In hindsight, how would you rate them? Without effective listening training and/or role models, our chances for listening errors or accidents increase significantly.

Giving Up Listening Power

Many of us have failed to perform at our best in school, at work and in relationships because we never learned to make the most of our listening effectiveness. One way to become a better listener is to identify how we typically give away our listening advantage.

Tuning Out. When was the last time you found yourself tuning out of a conversation, lecture or meeting? Were you bored or feeling rushed? Had you disagreed with what was being said or felt confused about the message? Even when our minds are thousands of miles away, we're usually pretty savvy at faking attention. In fact, our educational system has encouraged and even reinforced our ability to look like we are listening when we're not. We've gotten so adept at faking it that only the most observant among us knows how to detect the glassy-eyed stare or blank look. Unfortunately when we tune out as listeners, we don't know what we've missed and inadvertently give up listening power.

Becoming Self-involved. Each of us has probably missed an opportunity to make a good impression by getting self-involved. An obvious way we miss out on listening power is when we forget someone's name during an introduction. When we are more conscious about how we look, someone else we'd like to meet, or what the other person is thinking, we don't listen carefully. When we are self-involved, we give up listening power.

Christian was asked to present marketing information on a new company innovation to senior management. He spent a great amount of time selecting his suit, the correct tie and even getting his hair styled prior to the meeting. At the last minute, he picked up his portfolio from the secretary but didn't check the contents. When he arrived at the senior management meeting, Christian pulled out the portfolio contents and realized that he was missing a significant section. He worried about the impact on his reputation during other presentations and totally missed that the missing content was significant only to him, not to senior management.

Jumping to Conclusions. Think about how you listen when a politician or family member expresses an opinion different from your own. Do you listen to the entire message before making a judgment or do you begin thinking about why the person is misinformed, ignorant, biased, or naive? When we fail to listen to a complete message before forming a response, we lose listening power. Rushing to act, thinking of the "great comeback" or "rehearsing a response" because we disagree with what someone else is saying often causes us to miss details. Without complete information, it is impossible for us to listen most effectively.

Jake called the Gateway technical support line to get help with a software problem. When the technician starting asking questions, Jake answered politely until she said, "It sounds like a memory problem. Have you checked your temporary files?" Jake never heard her question because as soon as the technician said a memory problem, Jake thought to himself. "I have plenty of memory - this is a new machine. I wish I had gotten someone who knows more about computers ..." Before she finished talking, Jake interrupted, "I've gotten the most memory Gateway offers - that's not the problem." Twenty minutes later, after the technician asked a few more questions which helped him see the problem differently, Jake learned that he hadn't cleaned his temporary files and gained new respect for the technician.

Since Jake disagreed with what he heard initially, he stopped listening. In this case, he could have saved time and frustration if he hadn't jumped to conclusions.

The Benefits of Listening Power

There are advantages to listening purposefully. Learning to listen better helps us build closer relationships and maximize our success.

Effective Listeners are in Demand. When we ask workshop participants to create a list of people whom they consider to be the best listeners, most have very short lists. Really listening to others is an art. Those of us who listen best are often listened to the most.

Fay, a divorced office manager in Albuquerque, receives more invitations to parties and social gatherings than any two of her friends combined. Her secret? She makes a conscious effort to ask questions and demonstrate her interest during conversations. Fay is the kind of person that makes others feel special and important. That's the kind of person most of us like to be around.

What we are really looking for in a relationship is someone to listen to us; someone to really understand what we're thinking, feeling, and saying. When we concentrate more on listening attentively, our relationships improve.

Effective Listening Uncovers Other's Needs and Desires. Most of us have heard the old adage ... "when all else fails, read the directions." The same holds true with understanding others better ... "when all else fails - listen." In the beginning of dating relationships, most of us tend to show attention to each other and really try to listen. By the time our relationships have evolved into steady dating or marriage, many of us tend to take our partners for granted. No eureka here! Yet, as marriage counselors and psychologists have discovered, long-term relationships thrive with improved listening.

To a casual observer, it looked like Emma and Logan were newlyweds. They held hands and smiled lovingly at each other while walking through Central Park. Logan sat attentively while Emma shopped at Macy's and Emma returned the favor when Logan stopped by the Orvis shop to examine some new hand tied trout flies. The truth is that exactly one year earlier, Emma and Logan were considering divorce. Their counselor suggested a couples listening workshop that turned the corner on their relationship. After 13 years of marriage, they found there was still more to learn about each other. They agreed to try some listening exercises focusing on understanding what the other was really feeling, not just what they were saying.

Unless people have ESP or a crystal ball, there is no better way to learn how to please one's partner than through better listening. We want to be with others who listen to us. As we learn to listen better, we create opportunities to improve relationships.