CHAPTER 1

To Risk or Not toRisk, That Was My Question

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"I was just completely over myself and knew there had to be abigger purpose to my life."

—Kimber, Age 38

Let me start by telling you a little about how I got to where I am today.I am from the Midwest and led a very traditional life, but as far back asI can remember, I was always searching for something different, neverfeeling content with anything in my life: not the city I lived in, not the jobI had, not the life I was living.

At age thirty-eight, I took one of the biggest risks I have ever taken; Ileft everything and everyone I had ever known in Kansas City and movedto New York City. I knew that I needed a change in a big way, but wasmoving to New York a rational decision? Probably not, but that didn't stopme. I took a job that I knew wasn't going to be right for me, but somethinginside of me said it was now or never if I had any hope of changing theoutcome of my life. So I will state the obvious that, of course, I couldhave changed my life in many ways staying where I was. The rational sideof my brain was on a temporary sabbatical when I made this life-alteringdecision. I packed my bags, left my little house on the prairie, and headedfor the Big Apple. This move took me down a path of many big risks tofollow, and even though I was absolutely miserable for months, there wassomething inside of me that would not give up. I was searching for that"something more," not knowing what it was or if I would find it.

Now this is not at all uncommon for any of us, to feel like we needto shake things up and make some kind of change in our lives. I have onefriend who knew what her path was much earlier in life. She was completelyaware of what was working and what wasn't. I love how courageous she wasto drastically change her life in an instant. She was an officer at a bank;it was a great job with good upward mobility. One day, right before herthirtieth birthday, she was sitting at a meeting with all of the officers ofthe bank, and a question was posed to everyone at the table. When theygot around to her for her input, she answered a very different question. Shesaid, "You know, I just don't want to wear pantyhose to work anymore."Her coworkers were dumbfounded by her seemingly bizarre response.Later that week she chose to leave that job and pursue other options. Whatclarity and courage she had at a relatively young age to know that sheneeded to make a change and to follow through to make it a reality!

My clarity came much later in life. My first three years in New YorkCity were filled with so much turmoil—multiple changes in jobs, 9/11,and yet another bad relationship that was going nowhere. Oh, and by theway, my fortieth birthday was right around the corner.

I had many moments of thinking there must be something more ora much bigger purpose for my existence, and over the years I'd had someglimmers of what that could be, yet nothing really gelled for me. I thenlanded a stable job at a great company, moved to Connecticut, ended thelatest bad relationship, and thought to myself, Okay, now what?

I had several friends who had gotten married to men who had childrenfrom previous relationships and decided they didn't want any more kids.I thought to myself, No one gets to make that decision for me. If I get intoanother relationship it's going to be a package deal. That is the moment Imade the decision to pursue adoption. Adoption? As a single parent? WasI nuts?

"I was just completely over myself and knew there had to bea bigger purpose to my life."

There were many times over the next three years during the adoptionprocess that made me question the decision. I went through a really big"poor me" phase, where I thought that if I moved forward with adoptionI was admitting to myself that I would never get married. Ridiculous, Iknow, but again, back to the rational brain thing, which wasn't alwaysworking for me. I questioned myself constantly, and yet something farbigger than me kept pushing me forward in the process, in spite of all ofthe obstacles I continued to face.

My family and friends had a beautiful baby shower for me. The oddthing about the day was that I attended my baby shower and then attendedthe high school graduation of a good friend's son on the same day. That wasa little bit of a reality check on my age. In case you haven't been keepingtrack, I was now in my early forties and clearly old enough to have a sonor daughter in college, not in diapers. I wondered if my daughter's friendswere going to ask whether I was her mom or her grandmother. Thatthought was definitely not appealing.

To make matters worse, I had a challenging adoption experience, withdelay after delay. After three years in paperwork and constant uncertainty,I can honestly tell you that most people would have quit. I continued tohang in there, even though it was an emotional roller coaster. I don't knowwhich was worse, having people ask me on a daily basis when my daughterwas coming home or having to tell them I didn't know.

I got the first picture of my daughter when she was only six weeksold, and it was magical, overwhelming, amazing, and terrifying all at thesame time. And then it was during my first trip to visit her, when she wasaround four months old, that I started to become aware of the challengesthat were ahead. What I didn't realize then was how hard the road wasgoing to be. The biggest issue was that there was a challenge with one of thebirth mother's documents, which began the spiral. I had no control overit and had to work within the system, completely relying on my adoptionagency and their contacts in another country. I got updated photos oncea month and would travel to stay with my daughter for just a weekend ata time. I ultimately made four trips to her country over almost nineteenmonths before finally being able to bring her home. Every time I visitedher and realized how much I was missing, and with an unknown enddate, it was like ripping a little piece of my heart out when I had to leaveher with her foster family. Even though I knew she was being well takencare of, missing milestones, like seeing her crawl for the first time, takeher first steps, have her first teeth come in, celebrate her first birthday,were all like taking painful hits to my stomach as I waited and workedthrough the system. Other people I knew during this time got pregnant,gave birth, and went on with their new lives. For me, parenthood was likean invisible, intangible enigma out there that sometimes felt like more ofa possibility than a reality. But there was something about this particularlittle girl that I was waiting to bring home; I knew, beyond a doubt, thatwe were meant to be together. So I had no other option than to ride it outas long as it took.

I could go on and on about all of my trips to the country where mydaughter was born, but would rather just get to a little good news. Enoughdrama already! I finally got my daughter after years of waiting. It continuedto be a challenge as I didn't know how to be a parent of a nineteen-month-old;there are no parent guides to really tell you how to go from being singleto having a toddler. Eventually, we got into a good routine, and I can nowsay undoubtedly it was the best thing I have ever done.

My aha moment was this: I thought it was going to be all aboutwhat I could offer her, but instead it has been the complete opposite. Sheliterally saved me from myself and the daily insanity life deals out. Shehas helped me remember what really matters in life. Life is really all aboutthe series of moments we experience: learning how to be present for reallyextraordinary moments and how we can learn from our experiences andfrom other people.

So to risk or not to risk certainly was part of my question, and therisks that I took helped me get on the right path. I now understood onepart of what my bigger purpose in life was all about. Become a parent ...check. Now I am not saying that taking crazy, life-altering risks is right foreveryone. I'm just sharing a little peek into the somewhat nontraditionallife I have happily created for myself. I knew that being a parent was partof the answer, and a very big part of it. But it was still hanging out therefor me—a great big resounding ... What else? I continued to search for themore that was now to be for both of us. I knew that there was still a largercontribution that I needed and wanted to make.

So here we are today. As a result of my discovery on this ongoingjourney, I have pulled together some of the biggest life lessons I havelearned from my five-year-old in an attempt to help you connect with themoments that matter most in your life and to help you live the life youare meant to live.

Life Lesson #1 from my five-year-old: All of the risks and emotionalhurdles can help move you from the off ramp back onto the main roadmoving forward. My journey of becoming a parent for this specific adorablelittle girl was definitely moving me in the right direction.

Put It into Practice: Trust yourself—you already know the answers.

Now do a little life-inventory exercise. Sometimes we have to look atour past to help us better define what is important to us and what directionwe want to go in.

• Think about some of the key decisions you have made or not madeover a certain period of time. It could be a week, a month, or eventhe past year. What can you or have you learned by the decisionsyou made?

• Can you identify two or three obstacles you have overcome andwhat you gained from going through these situations?

You don't need to have all of the answers just yet. Doing the work toget to know yourself a little better will certainly help kick-start uncoveringyour truth or passion and bring you more into living in and recognizingthe moment you are in right now.

CHAPTER 2

Back to the Basics

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"You can't change somebody else.You can only change yourself."

—B, Age 5

I had a little fun with my daughter on our walk to swim class onemorning. In New York City, where we live, lots of activity goes on aroundyou all of the time. On this particular day, I said to my daughter, "Let's seewhat we can hear today as we walk down the street." Of course, she startedwith the obvious sounds of the cars, and the sound of the tires on the wetpavement and driving through the puddles. Then we both listened harder,and we heard some birds and the wind passing through the trees. Nowif you live pretty much anywhere other than New York City, you wouldsay, "What is such a big deal about that?" And my response would be,"When was the last time you stopped and actually listened to the soundsof the birds and the wind blowing through the trees?" Just because youcan doesn't mean you actually do.

What did this exercise accomplish for me and my daughter? It broughtus into the same moment. We were both completely focused on listeningand were in tune with our surroundings. We were in sync and present foreach other at that very moment in time. No cell phone. No BlackBerry.No computer. No TV. Isn't that really all we want from other people? Forthem to be present with us? It doesn't have to be all of the time, and Idon't think it even has to be for long periods of time. Just be present andbe aware of what's going on around you. Truly experience these momentstogether. By making that conscious shift, I instantly became aware of mysurroundings, which then had more meaning.

When was the last time you felt something other than exhausted andoverwhelmed? How about the last time you felt real joy or happiness? Seemslike a basic question, doesn't it? Hopefully, so many happy moments popinto your mind that you can't narrow it down to just one. But maybe youhave to stop and really think about it and still come up with nothing. Lotsof things make us happy or content, but recalling them may be challenging,because we are always so busy down in the weeds and details of our dailylife that we forget to look up and recognize important moments as theyare happening. I know I am guilty of that. The truth is, we have our dailyroutines and needs that must be met. That takes a lot of energy. Period.

I propose that it is how you choose to manage the routine that makesthe difference. I call this getting back to the basics. It isn't about changingeverything you do in your life. It isn't saying that your daily routines aren'timportant or necessary. I am simply saying it is okay to pause and noticesome of the extraordinary things that are happening around you in everymoment.

You can start by intentionally using all of your senses, which I knowsounds pretty basic. For just a few minutes, think about your morningroutine: what you do before you even get to work or get the kids to schoolor whatever makes up your morning schedule. Like many of us, youprobably get up and feed the cat, make the coffee, take your shower, makebreakfast, figure out what to wear that is semi-clean, and rush around toget yourself and everyone else in your household out of the door and offto where they need to go (hopefully on time).

In my household it usually means asking my daughter to hurry up andeat her breakfast about twenty times, hurry up and get dressed about tentimes, and hurry up and use the bathroom and get her teeth brushed aboutfive times. We have tears at our house three or four times before we evenget out of the door most mornings. And yes, it could be her or me cryingby the one hundredth time I have asked her to do what needs to be donethe same way every single day.

After the morning chaos and drama, you probably walk or driveyour kids to school, race as fast as you can to get to work, and start yourwork routine, which I imagine for many is just as hectic as your morningroutine at home. We all know and experience this as our daily grind. It'sall important and we all have to do it, but it is exhausting. Just writingthis makes my shoulders rise up and almost touch my ears from stress. Iwant to stop and take a moment to catch my breath, and I wonder how weaccomplish this every single day without losing our minds. As you thinkabout your morning routine, just getting through it all day after day, howdoes it make you feel? Have you had a chance to enjoy anything so fartoday? Or are you just wishing for the weekend in hopes that you may getto do something you want to do and break out of the monotony? Let's getreal for a minute. Dreaming about the weekend is just a fantasy, becausethe truth is, we just have different crazy routines on the weekends. All thisis sounding a little familiar, isn't it?

(Continues...)