CHAPTER 1
Manneys Big Show
San Luis Obispo, CA 1967
It was in his 20's Manney had his date with degradation. A well proportioned American male, he bore a strong resemblance to a younger Charley Sheen.
This day was designated for cruising on his, New Harley Motorcycle. And in his biker leathers, who knew what sassy lady he'd attract. Pulling out of traffic around noon, he parked at a local fast food joint.
At an outdoor table sat 3 comely girls — looking to be in their early 20's. And each was Manneys type. Blonde, brunette & female. Parked across the lot directly in their line of vision, he attached his helmet to the bike noticing they regarded him with great interest.
Proud as the 'Cock of the Walk,' ooouu - just look at him strut his stuff!
It was unfortunate in his crossing the lot, that he didn't see the slick oil patch on the pavement. His right boot slid like a rocket on it, pitching him back and off his feet.
When he impacted the hard ground, the wind knocked out of him, he saw a blinding, white light. He lay motionless for minutes. When his vision cleared, he saw the 3 girls talking to one another and looking everywhere but at him.
They conversed seriously, as if he wasn't laying 7 ft. in front of their table. As tho he didn't crash like a 747 missing the landing strip. One of the girls was watching a bird through her opera glasses which she shared with the others.
A blonde in the middle munched on her fries happily. Frozen in pain Manney lay on his back looking up at the sky.
The face of a large, black dog suddenly looked down at him. Panting, the K-9 sniffed his face & torso-determining he was not dead. Then tail wagging, the retriever pranced back to his owner. In the background, a big, shiney Harley Davidson stood alone bearing mute witness to the machismo-of the American male.
Ermas Confrontation
Rhinebeck, New York 1938
Before she passed away in her 80's, Erma related the following childhood experience which she found ridiculously funny.
It was a frosty, gray day as 10 year old Erma clutched her books and rambled along to the one room school house.
"Hello Mr. Frog!" she yelled as she passed the Old Mill Pond. She greeted a group of crows on the way, and stopped to hug a fat, tabby cat. As she trudged happily along, nothing could have prepared her 'That she had a date with emotional damage.'
At the school the teacher was instructing upon the proper use of grammar. He explained at length that Erma had no idea how to use grammar, sentences and adjectives. He expounded on her hopeless English at her present age. The little Italian girl hung her head, tears welling in dark, despondent eyes.
Each description of her ignorance was like a barb in her heart. The humiliation went on and on. She was hurt and angry. 'He is humiliating me,' she thought helplessly.
She had to stop the humiliation. She stood up looking daggers at this man:
"Now see here," she exploded. "Are you trying to huumm-a-late me?!!"
Marshmallow
San Mateo County, CA 1968
It was a hot, suffocating day as the Pontiac cruised along the roadway. Four sales reps and a supervisor were enroute home after a long afternoon of working six blocks door to door.
"Theres a plaza over there," Chris called out from the backseat. "Lets pull over and get some soda." The supervisor approved and pulled up to a mini mart.
The girls returned with a six pack of cola and a bag of colored, miniature marshmallows.
"Gee, didn't you buy chips?" Sharmane, the super asked.
"Ohhh," Judy said. The super looked confused.
Back on the freeway, the reps in the rear divided marshmallows. They thought it would be great fun to pelt traffic in the next lane, but agreed that Sharmane wouldn't approve.
With great joy the girls were just tossing left and right at the passing cars. Lucy, a rep in an end seat position tossed a marshmallow, but it rebounded off the window frame-and landed in the lap of Sharmane's sun dress. Intent on driving, the lady didn't see it.
The rep in the front, passenger seat dove into the driver's lap, and began digging thru the folds of the dress. Sharmane blushed crimson:
"What are you doing?!!!"
Her legs locked tight and she yelled: "Stop it--stop this!!!"
The rep caught up with the moment and searching for the marshmallow, shouted out:
"Open your legs and I'll get it!!"
The Pontiac weaved erratically, down the lane, with a shocked supervisor yelling and screeching.
Finally, with a desperate dig, the rep popped a little green marshmallow out of the lap, and laughing, shot it out the driver's window at a passing Volkswagen.
Sheba and Doe Doe
Millbrae, CA 1960
Sheba, a beautiful Nicole Kidman look-a-like, was very popular and always held an open invitation to social groups. She'd race around town in her baby blue Fiat, sports car, always happy, always welcome.
And always and everywhere with her, 'The loyal companion'--her dog, a boxer named Doe Doe. This one afternoon she dropped over to her sister-in-laws home where six friends had gathered. There was a circle of chairs in the living area for an active conversation group.
She sat next to her 14 year old niece, Tilda. Happily conversing, the niece asked where Doe Doe had gone? Sheba looked around but didn't see him and deduced he was just 'exploring and sniffing around.'
After a half hour Doe Doe came proudly up the stairwell-and the lower second floor. Just like a show dog of the grand, first award, he pranced his way to the middle of the group.
Head held high, he displayed his treasure in his mouth, then dropped the object in the center of the circle. A woman gasped, another looked down, hands over eyes. The niece tried to focus on what he brought, but she broke her glasses the day before. Tilda leaned toward Sheba and remarked: "Look . ... A Jelly Roll." Ponting to the white object from DoeDoes mouth.
Her aunt shot a look of surprised confusion: "Do you have a paper towel," Sheba managed to blurt. The niece grabbed a box of tissues.
"Wheres the garbage?", the aunt croaked.
"Under the kitchen sink," Tilda replied.
Sprightly the dog lady jumped up and removed the used, sanitary napkin from the downstairs bathroom.
CHAPTER 2
Spencers Surprize
Watsonville, CA 2012
It was Halloween and the tall, good looking boy decided to wear a Darth Vader mask in the band, for the varsity football game that night.
The music director of Spencers highschool was very firm in allowing no breaks to any of the band. And Spencer recalled this over and over, as his guts demanded a good toilet release.
Finally, music done, the poor kid threw his sax in it's case and ran like the wind, his short cape flying behind.
The only building open was just for the varsity football squads use. He looked in the dressing room only to find six stalls loudly occupied.
His guts now screaming for release he blindly ran down the hallway panting: "My God! My God!!" Another dressing room appeared-with all stalls empty and no one in the room.
Spencer tore into a toilet and with shaking hands, ripped his pants down.
With relief, he sat there happily sighing and venting. He didn't even notice that 25 varsity cheerleaders came in to change clothes and shower.
A girl opened his unlocked, stall door and gasped: "What The Hell!"
An alarmed boy sat there looking up at her through his Darth Vader mask.
Lulus Urgent Response
San Jose, CA 1963
It was a warm August night and best friends Lulu and Darcy decided to hang out at the local bowling alley. The two teenagers were in the arcade area where Lulu was trying to beat Darcy's pin ball record. Both dark haired, laughing Italians.
"Tonight I'm going to blow you out of the water," Lulu announced.
"Well, I'll believe that when I see it," laughed Darcy. An hour and a half — and four coffee's later, Lulu still could not top her 'Pin ball whiz' friend.
Suddenly she lurched over holding her stomach: "Darcy-where's the bathroom?!"
A one stall restroom was outside the arcade area. In all her 18 years of age, Darcy never heard such a continuing barrage of cacophonous defecation.
Having four cups of coffee and no dinner, certainly caused Lulus dismay. Another woman came in to the room hoping to use the facility. She stood riveted to the spot, listening in awestruck amazement.
A combination of explosive expulsions and screams, caught the womans cautious ear.
"Darcy-1 can't stop ... I can't stop!!" Lulu yelled out, amidst a volley of concusive booms. Fearing a contagious stomach flu, the waiting lady turned on her heels and shot out of the restroom yelling: "NO WAY!"
In painful, abdominal grief, Lulu was now screaming: "Help me! Help me!"
Frustrated and unable to help, Darcy bolted OUT and ran to a cigarette machine — some distance away from the anal blasts. Unnerved, she bought a pack of Newport menthol.
A young man standing next to her asked:
"Do you know if it's raining?"
Trying to get the recent incident off her mind, Darcy shakily lit up.
"Gee," she responded good heartedly, "I wouldn't know."
He then explained to her of his recent purchase of a used car with a broken convertible top, which he leaves down.
"Didn't you hear thunder?" He wondered.
"I didn't hear thunder," she shook her head ... "So - maybe you'll be okay."
He seemed surprised she didn't hear this.
"Oh you know what? Sometimes the Rec Room shows a free film. I bet tonight it was the Guns of Navarone," he decided.
The Errand
LINDA MAR, CA 1980s
The elderly couple were out for their daily ride when they made a stop at a camera store. The lady went inside to pick up some color film for her daughter.
A high counter with no one around told her she was alone. Deciding to wait, Nora sat in a cushioned chair and rested. After 15 minutes passed, the senior citizen got agitated and got up to look over the counter for help.
Sitting on a stool against a wall was the girl clerk who had no idea anyone had come in. Nora watched in disgust as the help just sat there, gazing out the window, lost in her own thought.
In a world of her own, the husky girl just kept picking her nose. Nora, waiting to be noticed, began to become restless as the clerk kept dig, dig, digging into a nostril.
The elder womans legs began to ache, and she found herself growing mean. She snapped:
"Can I get some help here now?!!"
The clerk jerked in shock to see the grey haired, little woman watching her!
She clattered off her stool, red faced, and wiped her hand on her pants.
"W-What can I do for you?" she stammered.
"Just give me two-rolls of Fuji 35mm film," the senior barked.
"--Color or Black and White?" the clerk asked.
"Color," Nora responded, digging into her tote bag. She tossed a napkin on the counter. "Here. Don't touch it with your hands, please."
The girl looked at the woman 'aghast'.
"And you got snot hangin outta yur nose," Nora tossed another napkin over the counter.
The Trip
Austin, Texas 2010
Arnea is a beautiful afro American girl with the height and figure of a model. When she got a call from a friend to take her first job in a fashion show, she was ecstatic.
Having no car, the 17 year old bought a bus ticket to Austin. Three day's before the show a professional model worked with her on walk, posture and posing.
The day arrived and in the dressing room her make-up was applied and designer dress snuggly fitted. Her dresser thought she'd be just fine.
She told Arnea all she needed was a little confidence, that's all. Her walk was already down and she looked like a true professional already. "Try not to think about 400 people at this show," the dresser advised. '400 people,' Arnea thought. Her eyes shot wide open, her blood ran cold. Suddenly she knew fear. All at once she was called to go on. She looked glassey eyed at the assistant and went blank: "Whata I do?" Arnea drawled. "Oh no," the dresser gasped, "Come on, you got to go now!"
She pulled the girl to her heels, got behind her and pushed her to the curtain.
"But ... but I forgot," Arnea croaked.
"Just wait till the music cues you, look confident - look like you know what you're doing. Go out on the walk - do your little dance - make your turns."
The music started again with a slow drum beat, and the assistant pushed the frightened teen out to the runway entrance. The girl couldn't see her audience over the glaring foot lights of the walk. She started dancing short steps down the runway. She turned to the left, showing her dress. What a well dressed teen would look like in designer fashion.
Doing short steps to the music, her turn to the front displayed skirt drape and swish. Adding hip action, a turn to the left highlighted different hues of color.
She danced to the end of the runway and whirled to the music ... and fell 5 feet off the walk to the slate floor. She gazed up at the ceiling, aware of press cameras flashing off, to a gasping crowd.
Rolling over on her stomach, a loud ripping of the fabric was heard. She found her left heel had broken away from the shoe. Too embarrassed to get to the dressing area, Arnea crawled on hands and knees to a close by exit, where she got upright, and ran on one shoe up the street. A man passing by yelled out: "Hey girl, your dress is all ripped out in the rear!"
CHAPTER 3
The Artichoke
Millbrae, CA 1970
Olive was just a country girl whos parent's wanted to upgrade when they moved from a 'Cow pasture' to suburbia. Now 21, the girl still missed the cows of her free, former life.
Somehow her ready wit and 'odd way of understanding life' endeared her to a society woman, once an old friend from elementary school, in the suburbs.
Carol Ann invited Olive to a sumptuous repast at her opulent home on Telescope Hill. Olive thought it okay to accept her dear friends invitation, as Carol Ann so loved her cuisine, and the art of cooking.
Only 3 months ago she was invited to the San Francisco Airport, where she and 2 friends dined in the restaurant. It was so nice watching the airliners take off and land. Olive even took off her jean's and cowboy boots, to go there. Her medium dark hair was casual, and she looked sweet.
She was so tranquil there, eventho she wasn't in a barn playing with her pet cow.
How astounded was she ordering the 'House Chef Salad,' when it was carried out by the 'crisp and washed' waiter.
And in a yellow, ribbed bowl the size of a 'milking bucket.' The waiter smiled happily as he put a dinner plate down in front of her and rested the great bowl of salad on it. She was shocked at it's great size, and never seen 'Vittles that Big'.
Somewhat confused she asked Cindy and Pam where the tea bags were, eyeing the finger bowl.
"Gosh," Cindy laughed, "There's no tea with this meal."
Rolling up her shirt sleeve's, she grabbed a large fork which came with the bowl.
Many eyes were watching her with great interest as she ate out of the serving bowl, instead of her plate, -and drank her finger bowl.
Not used to eating out, Olive was dismayed at all the attention other diners gave her. She decided she was uncomfortable, as she wiped her mouth on her upper arm.
The day she went to Carol Ann's for lunch, she was taken aback at 2 other society women wearing their 'neck pearls and frocks.' She thought she was 'the only-luncher.' Had she known they 'were putting on the Ritz,' she'd of worn her studded jeans.
Olive missed her pet cow Patti, and was unhappy she had no social grace, or knew 'what fork to heave.' Carol Ann seated them all around the table that viewed her kidney shaped swimming pool. As the ladies talked on, Olive ate at her plate with any fork she could. Featured with this casserole dish was a big, green artichoke. Probing it with a fork, Olive found it too tough to stab. She stole 'Quick' glances at the ladies-and saw one eating this thing with her fingers.
Never knowing an artichoke, she copied the guest diner, and put a petal in her mouth. She was unhappy Carol didn't cook it longer, as her teeth ached at 'its gnashing'. The spine of the 'leather-like' petal gouged her tongue repeatedly, until she tasted blood.
Olive would do anything to not hurt her friends feelings, so she quietly pushed the hard vegetable into a napkin in her lap. The women laughed and talked about things she found most boring - and when Carol looked at Olive's plate, she nervously sat 'bolt upright.' Fear gripping her, she asked:
"Olive — did you like the artichoke?" The girl was silent and then honest. She gazed up at the outdoor sun, specks of fresh blood sparkling on her mouth.
"I think it were too rare. Usually, I do want somethin' well done," blood spattered on the gay table cloth, just missing Carols food. The 2 ladies saw no petals on her plate.
Everyone now looked concerned for the girl.
"How do you feel?" Carol probed.
"Well, I never et anythin' what fought back."
Carol leaned in to Olive, "Do you need to go to the hospital?"
"Why? Are they doin' well done??"
The rest of the afternoon went uneasily and Olive wrenching her knee the day before, hobbling, and in pain, 'Left out the back door.' When she got to her Mustang, she tossed the artichoke into her trash bag.
'That thing near kilt me!!' she thought, and 'I'm goin' to Taco Bell and get me a Buritto Supreme.'
