Who Cares?

You go into a public speaking situation. You've practiced in your head and you're really, really nervous. Or maybe just kind of nervous.

Or maybe you know it's going to be bad. The last time you spoke in front of more than one other person, you flushed too much and felt so sweaty. Or maybe the last time you kept tripping over your words and you could tell people weren't listening to you. You think, this time it will be different. I won't sound like a robot. I practiced in my head, in the shower, in the car. I have this.

You go in. You do it.

And it doesn't turn out how you want it to turn out. You tripped over your words, you flushed, you got in your head and you didn't know what to say next. Or maybe it was just fine. It was nothing special, just another meeting, another pitch, another ok presentation.

And you think: Maybe I'm not a good public speaker.

Or maybe this is you: You get home. You're exhausted. Your family/ significant other/roommate says something to you and you are so tired from your day that you only half hear them, saying a quick 'Yeah ok' and really just focus on heading to a space where you don't have to see people anymore. Collapsing on your bed/couch/ floor, you finally relax from your day, just a little bit. Suddenly, your family/significant other/roommate is upset because they asked you to do something and you SWEAR you never heard anything like that. They aren't crazy and you aren't crazy, you just missed the information. And maybe, this same situation just happened at work. With your boss. Or a client. Or a customer. And now you feel foolish.

And you think: Maybe I'm not a good listener.

Or maybe this is you: You go into a new situation, all ready to be yourself and wow them. They might be ready to hire, to do business, to date. You're dressed to impress. You get in there and something in your brain just stops. You end up being shy when you are actually quite bubbly, or you end up spewing word vomit everywhere. If it's an interview, you might be saying in your head 'STOP TALKING STOP TALKING STOP TALKING' or maybe it's the opposite – you have that witty/smart/incredible thing to say, and it doesn't come to you until you walk out the door. Another one bites the dust and you don't understand why you can't just be yourself. Maybe you don't know what it means to be you.

And you think: Maybe I'm not good at being myself.

All of these situations cause anxiety and uncertainty. I know because I've been in all of these situations. I coach students that have been there too. I work with professionals that experience this every day and continue to meet people that have that ME TOO moment when they hear that even the best speakers get nervous, even the best listeners miss things, and even the people that seem so unapologetically themselves get anxious sometimes. My business is built on the idea that people experience all of these things and want to improve. I know great ways that will help all of these situations get better. Ways that will build lasting skills and actionable things you can do while reading this book.

Before we start this adventure together, what are your expectations from this book? Why did you get it? Why was it given to you? Why did you find it somewhere and pick it up instead of regift it to your friend? Be clear and specific with your expectations before you dive in – even if it's 'my friend told me to read it' or 'you're my friend so I feel like I have to read it'. Just be sure to take a moment and think about what you want from this book.

You might like me and my advice, you might hate me and my advice. It's all good. Please know that like me or not, listen to me or not, try to keep an open mind until the end. After you've tried it, read it, gotten through it – then judge it. Improvisational comedy, or improv, is about being in the moment, paying attention to the here and now and responding to it. Chances are a lot of this might be new for you. You might not have experienced this type of thinking before, or tried these activities, or even thought about improv past SNL (which actually isn't improv!) New things are often a little uncomfortable. Embrace the discomfort.

Try it, and then make a choice.

Afterward, please judge. Send me an email, leave a review – whatever you like. I won't fight you on it or try to make you like me or my ideas, you won't get a nasty email back or some review arguing that this does work, as long as you judge it afterwards. Stay in the moment, try it out, and then decide.

Deal?

Now let's carry on.

Introduction: A Hostage Situation

I am a firm believer the playing field should be leveled as much as possible. So I want to level the playing field between you and me.

I have a confession: I'm writing this book against my will and I'm holding my imposter syndrome hostage.

All joking aside, when I first considered the idea of writing a book, the thing that popped into my head was that little (loud) voice of self-doubt. You might know that voice as imposter syndrome or your inner critic or that undefined voice that says 'What do YOU have to offer?' Those six words kept ringing in my head.

A few years ago, I confronted that little voice head on and I lost. A publishing company reached out to me and asked if I would be interested in writing a book on improv. I was terrified and thrilled: terrified, see the above voice and six words. Thrilled: I love writing and I love inspiring people through improv. I run a company called The Engaging Educator (EE) that helps people improve their communication, presentation, and social skills through improv-based continuing education. I initially embraced the thrilled part and told my friend and business collaborator about the publishing company and offer, and the first thing he said was exactly what that ugly imposter syndrome voice was yelling: 'What do YOU have to offer? It's all been said.'

This led to a longer conversation about how he knew a guy who had all this incredible experience teaching at a corporate level, and he wrote a book on improv. It didn't do well. Why did this publisher want me to do it? At the time, I had only owned my business for about a year and a half, so I deferred to his experience and opinion. I let the idea slip away and found excuses not to do it. I stalled in writing; I was 'busy' and avoided calls and meetings. I just didn't do it. I let that voice of doubt win. The publishing company stopped emailing, and I was alone with my imposter syndrome. Not the best of company. The idea and opportunity passed.

Over the next four years, the idea of writing a book kept popping up. I kept ignoring it until finally I found myself asking why. Why wasn't I writing a book? I write for multiple outlets, I have a YouTube Channel, I tweet – why not put something more out there? This time, I didn't ask anyone and I acknowledged and trapped that much quieter and still present voice. This time, I made a choice to write it.

That voice will always be there – it's not gone, remember? I'm holding it hostage and I won't negotiate. Trust me, it gets out once in awhile. Every time it escapes, I step back, take note of how it got out, and trap it all over again. That voice is something I've come to acknowledge as natural – perhaps it's a primal urge to not overstretch or some subconscious effort to avoid embarrassment. Maybe it exists in myself and other Type A overachievers because we've always pushed past what's expected, and a push forward is generally greeted with a firm push back. Maybe it's because I'm a woman and to some extent I've always been told to be quieter and calm down, so I've created a monster in my head.

Guess what? I don't care why.

In the end, why I have imposter syndrome doesn't matter. What matters is I know how improv has helped the over 25,000 students, all non-actors, we've had with EE in just five years. I know I have something to share with more than the students who find our public classes or experience us through a private workshop.

And I know how the practice of improv and an improv mindset can help you find your voice, better your communication style and bring out your authentic and unapologetic self.

First, a bit of a backstory on how I got here and why you should give these ideas a shot. Through EE, a team of facilitators and I lead professional and personal development for everyone except actors. We work with corporations – Fortune 500 Companies to newly formed startups. We work with people who want to join these companies, leave them, interview for their first or next job. People that want to get raises, promotions, and new careers. We work with college graduates, senior executives, mid-level employees. We also work with schools and educators – doctoral programs to college students to pre-kindergarten students; individuals on the autism spectrum, verbal and non-verbal. We also work with people who want to better their interpersonal skills. Whether they signed up or their boss/teacher/co-worker/significant other signed them up, there is a desire to improve. We are a company that uses improv-based education to improve communication, presentation, and social skills.

Recently, we've started working with more women. Exponentially so. I never set out to be a woman-owned and operated company. I've hired (and fired) men (and women!), and one of my initial ex-major collaborators is a man. Within the past few years I've felt myself drawn to helping more women find their voices and boost their unapologetically awesome selves. At the same time, our demographic for public classes skewed strongly female – it's near a 2:1 ratio of women to men. Maybe it was the feeling of dread, depression and doubt I felt after the 2016 election or maybe it was what I was meant to do after finding my own voice. I do know that I quieted my imposter syndrome to make this book happen because of my desire to help more people, specifically women. I found MY best self through improv-based practice and thought, and I know with all of my heart and intuition that you can too. We get told all too often to quiet down, smile because you'll be prettier if you do, stop speaking up. What we need are ways to bring out our best selves, along with the confidence to be that self.

Guys, this doesn't mean if you're reading this book that you should put it down. We all need to improve. I've seen incredible progress from guys who want to develop listening and speaking skills. This isn't a women-only book – it has women-centric moments that can also be defined as 'anyone that has felt nervous or insecure' moments. So keep reading.

Improv is life – every single conversation, at its core, is improv. Think about it: you don't know what someone is going to say in response to what you say. You can't, and shouldn't, try to predict it. On top of conversation being about listening, responding and not predicting, every single person has to communicate, and should constantly be working on improving their communication style and skills. Even if you are sitting behind a computer all day, chances are you'll get into a situation that would have a better outcome if you had only listened better, or presented better, or even understood yourself and your audience more. Improv-based thinking and an improv mindset can relieve and lessen those 'if only' moments.

Disclosure: Reading this won't make you perfect. Any book or class that claims to fix you in one go is the same as the old-school snake oil salesman. Or better yet, the diet pill or workout that will make you beach body ready in 7 days or less. If I told you I knew a way to be bikini ready in one day, you'd politely nod and quietly think I was a scam artist. You can't take one class or read one book and be a better speaker. Your communication style and how you use improv to better it should be seen like a workout at the gym. You can't go once and expect to be fit and ready. You have to make it a practice as well as a lifestyle change. Think about this: if I asked you to put down this book and run 13 miles, right now, what would happen? I know I personally would fall over and die (or quit) because I'm not a runner. And even if you ARE a runner, you'd want to warm up or stretch, right? Look at improv as going to the gym for your brain. The first few times you go to the gym, it's awful. Painful, a chore, boring even, and then you find your groove, things start to feel good and it becomes part of your daily routine. Even when it is part of your routine, you still have to warm up before you run 13 miles. After you incorporate improv-based thinking and practice into your life, you'll still have to warm up before those big runs. This book is not meant to fix you. It's meant to give you ideas, tools and activities to start working out your brain, improve your communication style, and start the journey of becoming a better and stronger you.

User's Manual: The What and Why Behind Improv

Improv is largely unplanned with a strong structure of rules, ideas and guiding principles. It is generally created in the present moment and encompasses the idea of reacting and responding to things happening around you. Sounds like a basic conversation, right? It isn't about being crazy, witty, and funny. It's about listening and responding.

People tend to have a few conflicting opinions about improv.

They might love watching 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' They might hate it because of a weird team building activity that made them quack like a duck for no particular reason or do a trust fall. (I would rather eat glass than lead or do a trust fall.)

They might feel they 'could never think that quickly' and would 'love to be that funny'.

They might have always wanted to take a class and didn't because they were too nervous or it was too expensive.

They might have taken a class and it's been a little weird and a little fun, but difficult to tie to life outside of class.

Of all the EE students I've connected with, most of them have some hot or cold reaction when they hear the word 'improv'. What do you think of when you hear the word improv? It can be negative – that's ok! It can be a good or bad vibe, and even after experiencing this book, you could still never want to take an improv class. Through this book I'll be explaining improv in a way that connects to a nonactor lifestyle, specifically to personal and professional life skills and self improvement. While some activities and examples have elements of creativity, making things up and 'playing pretend', they are written with a non-actor in mind. If you're trying to be onstage or on SNL then this probably isn't the right book for you. If you want to increase your skills at work, school, and in your relationships, career, and life, then this is the right book for you.

It's important to note that improv should be viewed as a heightened reality. Everything happens at a faster pace in improv: you don't talk about things, you do them. You don't talk about another person without them coming in at the exact moment you might not want them to. You can magic any prop you need, you can move time and space, you could be the king alien on a planet full of pineapples that are trying to destroy a planet full of Pad Thai. You can also be you, at work, finally telling your 'boss' what you really think of this new schedule and policy. You have to make decisions, otherwise the conversation stalls out – and the problem with a stalled out conversation in improv is you now have a class full of people watching you stall out. A little different than real life when you only have you, your inner critic and whoever you are conversing with to consider. With the heightened reality created by improv, everything happens faster, bigger and with more intensity. Sure, you probably aren't going to tell your boss off in real life. You might experiment with ways of doing it, or just blowing off steam by losing it, or seeing what might happen if you just told another individual to take their ideas and shove it.

Best part?

All of it ends in just a few minutes, and there are no repercussions. We teach short-form improv with EE. Sparing you the improv pedagogy, short-form involves quick, snappy moments that usually end in three to five minutes. They encourage the development of skills because you have to make choices and you have to make them fast. There are also no repercussions to worry about because everyone in the class is working on something – so if for one conversation you end up being someone's boss that gets yelled at for being awful and in the next, someone else is your fiancé that needs to take out the trash more often, it's all even at the end. Plus, you might never see these people again in your life. You can play as hard as you want, all ends up forgotten and forgiven except for the skills you learn along the way.