THE HANDBOOK OF CHRISTIAN FAMILY MARRIAGE

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Contents

CHAPTER ONE MARRIAGE GENESIS Marriage Rebellion................................................1CHAPTER TWO MARRIAGE PRELUDE Dating and Courting................................................11CHAPTER THREE MARRIAGE REINFORCEMENT Strengthening the Marriage Bond............................25CHAPTER FOUR MARRIAGE COMMUNICATION Talking Through the Issues..................................38CHAPTER FIVE MARRIAGE INTIMACY Scripture and Marital Sex........................................55CHAPTER SIX MARRIAGE DOMESTICATON Children and Family...........................................70CHAPTER SEVEN MARRIAGE SPRITUALITY Marriage and Prayer Life.....................................81CHAPTER EIGHT MARRIAGE INFEDILITY Pornography and Adultery......................................94CHAPTER NINE MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN Separation and Types of Divorce.................................104CHAPTER TEN MARRIAGE COUNSELING Secular and Christian Counseling................................117CHAPTER ELEVEN MARRIAGE REOCCURANCE & RECONCILLATION Divorce and Remarriage.....................130CHAPTER TWELVE MARRIAGE UNHOLY Homosexual Unions................................................144CHAPTER THIRTEEN MARRIAGE CELEBRATION Marriage Success..........................................160CHAPTER FOURTEEN MARRIAGE QUESTIONS Marriage Relations..........................................173MARRIAGE SCRIPTURE REFERENCE......................................................................181

Chapter One

MARRIAGE GENESIS

Marriage Rebellion

My wife Kristen loved to visit and care for her horse, Beau. Before the thoroughbred passed on, he resides on a ranch in Ojai, California, less than an hour's drive from our home. On occasion, I would travel with her to enjoy the scenery and take in the fresh air. I remember one summer afternoon while she was giving the anxious gelding a much anticipated brushing, I walked across the rustic terrain toward two oak trees where a hammock is suspended. After testing its strength to confirm that it could support my weight, I rolled into it.

It doesn't take long for my mind to start to wander as the warm breeze that rustles through the leaves gently caresses me and causes the hammock to sway slowly. I review a lifetime of thoughts and experiences, especially childhood memories. I remember the books I had read back then, A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle Wojciechowska and A is for Andromeda by Fred Hoyle. I remember the Viet Nam war, the assassination of President John Kennedy, Doctor Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy. I also remember Malcolm X preaching about Black Nationalism. I remember when Neil Armstrong first stepped onto the surface of the moon, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Watts Riots and the Bay of Pigs. I remember Elvis returning to music after his military service, the Beatles becoming part of the acid rock music culture and I also remember Woodstock. I have been accused of attending Woodstock, but in reality I was not allowed to do more then watch it unfold on my parent's aging black and white monolithic Zenith television. But as important as all those events were, not one of these effected change to the world as much as what had occurred in San Francisco during the 1960s.

It was a counter-cultural movement from an extremely liberal group referred to as "hippies," "love children" or "the love generation." They were a collection of middle class baby boomers striking out in the opposite direction of their conservative World War II parents. They were pushing for extreme social revolution and reform. What was behind their movement? Some would argue that they stood for peace, while others would say they stood for equality but their real underpinning cause was sexual freedom. They demanded taboos be removed from all forms of sex. They wanted to do anything with anyone at anytime without consequence. Isn't this what was promised by the serpent in Eden? (Genesis 3:5, "For God knows that in the day you eat it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God ...") Their course of action was to pressure society change by staging orgies (love-ins), and living in communes with open sex. (There were serious consequences for this behavior. During the period of 1964-1968 sexually transmitted diseases rose 168% in California.) This created an anti-cultural platform which challenged everything, including fundamental beliefs in God, love, respect, law, morality, relationships. The family structure and marriage was especially targeted for liberal revision.

There have always been those who challenge the very necessity for the institution of marriage. Members of fringe groups declare they march to a different drummer by turning their back on marriage and simply living together. (It was called "living in sin" or "shacking up" when I was a child.) This behavior, usually looked down upon, rarely resulted in arrests by state authorities unless minors or sodomy was an issue. Although there was a degree of deviant behavior in their actions, most people tolerated it while generally hoping that their fallen neighbor would abandon their sinful ways and come back into the flock. But those people have always been a small percentage of the general population. That is, until this counter-culture group stopped protesting at their local college and university long enough to get a degree. With their education, they were now equipped to move into the population at large as college professors, business executives and congressional leaders. Bringing their repackaged anti-culture propaganda to the next generation they declared that Christianity is to blame for all society's problems and it should be replaced their own "if-it-feels-good-do-it" ideology. Statistics show they have done an extraordinary job at discouraging many followers of Christianity in America; Christianity is down by nearly ten percent in the last decade.

The information that a secular group is working against Christians and Christian marriage shouldn't come as any surprise to most Christians. Jesus spoke of such events in John 15:18, "If the world hates you, you know that it has hated me before it hated you." When the majority in a population hates something it is easier to accept their reasoning and just live with it, then to fight against it. However, we are told in Matthew 5:13 that we are the salt of the earth and therefore we cannot simply turn our back on problems (internal or external) regarding Christian marriage. This being the case, then we must be ready to defend marriage and the traditional family. To accomplish this we must have a proper understand of Christian marriage.

Christian Perspective of Marriage

Marriage wasn't created by Christianity but as Christians we believe that it was created by God and therefore is considered a sacred institution. Common sense tells us that traditional marriage and family is the foundational pillar to every society. Take away the support of marriage by the church and state and/or trivialize how marriage and family are defined (i.e. either everything or nothing) and you've set the stage for genocide.

Marriage and the family isn't something that can or should simply be modified, replaced or dismissed when some group wants to experiment with the social structure. Marriage and the family is the foundation to the perpetuation of the human race. This is one area in which the state and the church have agreed in the past and need to continue to agree and reinforce in the future (This is the reason the church doesn't dismiss marriages performed by a secular justice of the peace and the state accepts marriages performed in a church). This is true throughout the history of the civilized world, and is traced back before civilization.

Traditional marriage is quickly losing its direction. If the liberal agenda continues, marriage will soon be what anyone wants it to be. It could be open marriage where extramarital activities are actual part of the stipulated contractual arrangement. It could be a homosexual marriage. It could be come an arrangement that includes multiple partners (polygamy) or even children (pedophilia) and animals (zoophilia) as spouses. Once marriage is redefined as a contractual relationship between any and all entities wanting to participate, then the sanctity of the blessed institution is over. Marriage becomes a vehicle to normalize behavior that is not only contrary to God's will for us, but contrary to biology and common sense.

God has more interest in marriage than simply the maintenance and growth of His people. We need only look to the Bible to better understand His relationship to marriage. Marriage is an institution created and blessed by God Himself in the covenant of creation. Since it is inside the covenant of creation, then it must be a covenant it self. A marriage covenant is much more than a contract between two consenting adults, because it brings in an omnipresent third party, God. The promises and vows made in such an incomprehensible covenant relationship are a promise to your future spouse and to the God of the universe. Now, if there is a violation, you are accountable to both. In most modern marriages, not only is this holy covenant relationship deliberately missing, but also blatantly selfish conditional contingencies have been substituted. You can dissolve the marriage if a spouse gains weight, if their love for one another changes or interferes with a specific life style.

This shouldn't come as a surprise. As I mentioned earlier, marriage has been under attack since its beginning as I mentioned earlier when Satan (the serpent) tempted Eve creating confusion between her and Adam and damaging their relationship with God. Since then the attacks have continued in a variety of forms. During the 1960s the counter-culture declared that they didn't need a marriage license and that their own private agreement with their partner was good enough (In my counseling practice most young men who make similar statement generally have commitment issues). At the beginning of the 21st century, homosexuals became more vocal about their perceived right to be married by the church and state, but a typical homosexual male relationship only lasts a year and three years for a homosexual female. (Most researchers believe this is due to the high level of sexual promiscuity.) Interestingly, some homosexual leaders actually acknowledge that homosexual marriage is not about obtaining the right to become married and the privileges associated with it, because many states already offer some form of official domestic partnership with all its benefits. Its real aim is to undermine Christianity (or the church) and destroy holy matrimony ordained by God between one man and one woman.

Cohabitation

Since before the 1980s there has been a steady rise in those who made the decision not to marry, but to cohabitate instead. Some of my counselees (even Christians) contend that cohabitation functions as a test run to insure compatibility, and increase the probability of a successful marriage, but this is a poor argument. First, and most important, we as Christians should know this is the sin of fornication and that it is forbidden. If you want hard science on the issue the CDC reports that those who are unmarried and cohabitate generally show less stability in a resultant marriage, not more. They also claim that cohabitantes who marry have a 49% likelihood to separate or divorce within 5 years, compared to the 20% likelihood of those who do not cohabitate before marriage.

I have had counselees declare that their cohabitating relationship with their partner is just as legitimate and important as any marriage and that there is no significant difference between their cohabitation agreement and a scared marriage covenant. Again I disagree. Holy matrimony is an honorable state to God that He has blessed for the prosperity and happiness for all people. Notice how a traditional Christian marriage is performed. The bride and groom present themselves in front of representatives of their family, friends, congregation and the community. The ministry or pastor (who is the highest member in the church) officiates or speaks for God's interest in the ceremony. The assemblage acts as witnesses, support and encouragement in the presence of God. What is being declared at such a wedding is that, "God is about to unite two souls." Let everyone see it, let them understand it, let them be part of it and let them protect it. One of the Ten Commandments God gave us was not to bear false witness or lie. I believe that is one reason God seems to like big weddings (Jesus even attends one in Cana, John 2:1-11). The bigger the wedding, the bigger the audience, and the bigger the audience the more likely a person breaking a wedding vow will be caught and reprimanded. God knows people make false promises in the heat of the moment and then later attempt to back out of them later. God understands this and so does the church, therefore, an environment has been established where a man and a woman can take time to make a marriage commitment that is not simply a promise in the heat of a fleeting moment of passion. It is made in front of their friends, family, community and church and is designed to minimize rash decisions about marriage.

When exploring the Bible for the meaning of marriage, we need not go further than the first book, Genesis. This is where God creates everything, from matter, energy, time and space, to the stars, plants, animals and people. The first person God created was Adam. Genesis 1:26, "Then God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.'" Here, on the first page of most Bibles, God creates all of mankind in a reflection of His own image. Most people read over this very quickly and don't give it a second thought, but this is very important foundational information. It tells us who we are on a profound level. We are a deliberate creation of God, a premeditated action, not a passive idea or the result of random chemical bonding events in the universe. Notice when God creates everything He calls it into existence. The exception is man and woman, beings that will be made in His image, and created from a completely different process. Human beings are unique, and unlike the animals and the plants, God breathed His spirit into us. He made us in His image. God is a triune being consisting of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We are a triune being as well, consisting of body, mind and spirit. We are placed here on Earth with an ordained purpose. Some people will spend their entire life looking for purpose when from the beginning it is designed into them. Our purpose is to glorify God. When we walk in His purpose we are fulfilled.

God's Covenant Plan

As we continue reading Scripture, we see part of God's covenant plan for mankind unfolds. Genesis 1:27, "God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." God has created complimentary forms so that there can be an interdependent relationship (physically, emotionally and spiritually) between them. Our God is a being of relationships (Father, Son and Holy Spirit), His relationship is whole and He expects us to have a relationship that is whole as well. God did not create two males or two females or some form of bisexual hermaphrodite, but the perfect reflection of him in male and female. Together they are whole.

Adam and Eve are ordered to consummate their marriage in Genesis 1:28, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living creature that moves on the earth.'" Notice how important this is to God. He has confirmed their marriage and told them to start having children before He even told them about sin or punishment for sinful behavior.

God has created a universe that will sustain our galaxy, our galaxy will sustain our solar system, our solar system will sustain the planet Earth, and the eco-system will sustain human beings, so we can marry and reproduce children and become a family. To say that marriage and family is important to God would not only be a monumental understatement, but makes marriage and family a passion of our Lord's heart that is beyond human comprehension.

It is clear from God's design of mankind that we were not meant to be alone. (The Apostle Paul does address those who do have a special gift of being solitary.) It is confirmed throughout the world, that the worst punishment you can give a person is to completely isolate him/her (called solitary confinement). It is necessary for us to be social creatures if we are going to have children and properly care for them so they can build or maintain our future civilization. Proper companionship is crucial for people to be healthy. God understands this and in Genesis 2:18 declares, "Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." Notice the word "suitable." It is translated in other versions as "right" (NLV), or "fit" (ESV). This means that not just anyone or any creature could fulfill the requirements of being the proper companion for Adam.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from THE HANDBOOK OF CHRISTIAN FAMILY MARRIAGEby Steven G. Bushnell Copyright © 2009 by Steven G. Bushnell. Excerpted by permission.
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