Freedom, Sweet Freedom

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In August 2013, I woke one day to realize my lifelong journey of self-discovery was about to take another significant turn. I had lost my way again; I had lost my freedom.

Freedom. Sweet freedom. We met, embraced, danced, and vowed never to part. Slowly, very slowly, we grew apart, despite my promise to never leave you. The times we visited became fewer and fewer, until one day, I woke up and realized I had lost my way again. I had lost you, sweet freedom.

I know it is a bit dramatic, but I recently realized that freedom is a state of mind and the environment is only the backdrop. It sounds so simple, but the concept was lost on me my entire life! I think that might be where I got confused so many years ago.

I only experienced glimpses of freedom in extreme sports and adventures, but not in my daily life. For the most part, I had always done what was expected of me. I have worked long, hard hours to pay for a house, a car, and family vacations. I have strived to be Supermom by almost singlehandedly organizing a large school fun fair, volunteering for countless kid-related organizations, running from one sports activity to another, and essentially taking on so much that sleeping became less and less of an option. I did that because it was what a loving, dedicated mother is supposed to do, right?

I was promoted at work and moved into a high-pressure role, despite the fact that I did not want the promotion. I tried to be the best daughter/sister/friend that I could be, and so on and so on. I lived my life based on what other people expected of me, what society said I should do, and what I thought was right.

I did have a brief moment in my life when I came face-to-face with the state of freedom. When I remembered what my soul knew to be true. I knew in that moment that I could live in a state of freedom, regardless of the scenery.

In 2008, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. At thirty-eight, I was the executive director of a nonprofit organization and a single mother of two beautiful, active, and spirited girls. I was constantly on the go. I could easily have been crowned "Independent Woman of the Year." The diagnosis was a blow beyond anything I had ever experienced.

I immediately decided to take some time off from work to create a care plan for myself. How would I begin making a care plan for a single mom who would soon become highly dependent on others? I had always enjoyed adventures and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone, but I knew I needed a spiritual awakening. I needed something that would shake up my world, help me see my life differently, and something to move me from seeing my future as doomed.

I called a friend and said, "Have you ever considered skydiving?"

A few days later, I found myself in the door of an airplane, fourteen thousand feet above the earth, ready to take a leap of faith. I trust! I trust in this moment I am dependent on another with my life. I free myself of needing to be so independent that I forget all the wonderful gifts needing gives. I release myself to really live!

As we left the plane, I was in complete awe. I forgot that I was supposed to smile for the camera guy. I forgot that I was falling at 120 miles per hour. I forgot that I was afraid of what tomorrow would bring. Instead, I couldn't take my eyes off the ground, in awe, in appreciation, in a state of pure joy. I trusted my instructor to take care of me. I trusted myself to do my required tasks, and I trusted the experience. It was the ultimate sense of freedom!

Eighteen months later, so much of my life had been transformed and, from that, one of the gifts was my neurologist clearing me; my brain was cured.

I knew freedom! How over the next three short years did I forget it? How did I get to where I am today? I slowly went back to my work routine, and life's perceived expectations started to fall back into place.

Today, without having to jump from a plane, I am embracing (or more accurately, remembering) the realization that freedom is a state of mind—and the physical environment is just the setting. Today, at the end of one of my meetings, I went for a walk to the store. I left my desk and did not feel guilty that I lost twenty minutes of work.

As I walked to my car at the end of the day, I smiled to each person I passed on the street with no expectation that any of them would smile back at me. I did it because it felt good. When I got home, I played loud music and danced wildly in my kitchen, despite the fact that my neighbor was cutting his lawn and likely could hear and see me. There it was again—freedom, my sweet freedom!

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Behind the Writing

The idea that freedom is a state of mind and the environment is just the backdrop seems so simple. And when you change the way you think, it truly becomes that easy. Having said that, this is a daily practice for me, and some days are easier than others.

As I wrote the above journal entry, I was just days into starting my first blog. There was something freeing about being honest, real, and just me—in a very public way! The experience quickly became healing. It was not only the act of journaling; the sharing with others was awakening my connection to my soul.

Whether creating a blog or using a personal journal, I have found that daily writing provides a rich resource to look back on and understand patterns of thoughts and behaviors. It provides an opportunity to look for consistencies and contradictions in thoughts and behaviors and an opportunity to view the gap between where one currently is versus where one would like to be (to explore who I am versus who I wish to be).

Take a minimum of ten minutes out of your day to capture your thoughts. Some questions to get you started might be:

• What did you learn about yourself today?

• What does freedom mean to you?

• Does the thought of sharing your experience with others in a public forum, such as a blog, appeal to you? Why or why not? If not, is it because of fear?

• How is fear a barrier to your sense of freedom?

• How does fear block your experience of freedom in your day-to-day experiences?

• How well do you really know yourself?

Consider how you might want to capture these thoughts: in a journal, a blog, or in an e-mail to a close friend. Take action today. Do just one thing that stirs that sense of freedom within you. Consider all that you might learn about yourself as you journey along with me.

Finding Comfort without Control

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I have a confession to make, which I am sure will shock many people in my life. My greatest fear is loss of control! Yep. There it is. I said it. I am a control freak! I have done an incredible job of convincing myself over the last few years that I love the mystery of the unknown. However, now that I am staring into the unknown, I realize I do not feel excitement, anticipation, or joy. Instead, I feel sad, uneasy, and even irritated.

Do not get me wrong. I have many tools in my toolbox to help me talk myself back into feeling good, but in doing so, I take myself out of the mysterious unknown. When I sit in the unknown, all my bad habits about exercising control come flooding back. This time, I am ready to fight back. I know the difference this time, and I know I must learn to do it differently. Since I value honesty so much, I should also fess up and say that I am probably the only one who really is shocked by how much I fear loss of control. After working on an exercise about personal values and personal pain values, I realized how much power the fear of loss of control actually has over my life.

Over the years, I have had tiny moments of insight and understanding about this, but I am only starting to realize its full impact. One glimpse into this happened a few years back when I started rock climbing. At first, I thought I was afraid of falling, but then realized I could jump from a plane from fourteen thousand feet above the earth and fall at 120 miles per hour, but I could not fall a few feet from the ground when I was climbing. What was the difference? When I skydive, I get to decide the exact moment in which I jump out of the plane. When I fall off the rock face, I have no control over it. It just happens!

As I continue to write on my journey of self-discovery, I am becoming more aware of how strong a motivator the fear of loss of control is in my life. I am realizing it has had way too much influence on significant decisions and has likely robbed me of many rich experiences. When faced with a loss of control, I go into "manage it" mode. At times, I manage it at any cost.

I am beginning to understand how many opportunities I have missed through the years: meeting new people, getting to really know the people in my life, job choices/opportunities, adventures, and possibly my passion. If I could not be instantly great at something—or control the outcome of it—I chose the more comfortable path, the one I knew (or thought) I could control.

I have only ever taken on that which I already knew I could handle. In my adventures and extreme sports, it appeared that I relished the loss of control. However, the truth is that I studied, practiced, and knew my stuff so well that the risk of losing control was so minimized that I could fool myself into believing it did not exist. In all other aspects of my life, if I did not feel in control, I figured out how to push away, change my mind, or even convince myself that it was not what I wanted anyway. Pretending fear and control had nothing to do with it.

Recently, I attended a five-day conference that started with a yoga class every day. The yoga class was not like any I had ever taken before; we did yoga through dance. The second-to-last dance each day was on the celebration of chaos. It celebrated the loss of control. On the first day, I danced around and watched the others let loose. I actually found it to be quite entertaining. I just mimicked them and pretended to let go.

On the second day, I figured I could not possibly look as silly as most of the other folks in the room. I closed my eyes and attempted to lose control. I was shocked by how hard it was for me. I was in a conference room, with others of like mind, safe, but I could not relax into the dance of chaos.

By day three, I decided if I could travel that far and spend that much money, then I sure as heck could take on the opportunity to experience loss of control in a pretty safe environment. I danced the dance of chaos. My body flailed in all directions, stomped, screamed, jerked around, and bumped into people. Oh my, did it feel good.

To my surprise, I broke down into sobs; not just the odd tear, it was full-on ugly/beauty cry. Tears flowed as though the dam broke; booger juice and snot were streaming out from my nose, running along the upper edge of my lip. The flood of tears dampened the ends of my hair, snorting sounds escaped my lips, and my body heaved as I gave up all control. For a moment, I tasted the sweetness of freedom and vulnerability. When I left the conference, I forgot again!

Comfort with the unknown, the mystery, and loss of control. Just typing and saying these words aloud put my stomach into knots. My neck and shoulders tightened up and adrenaline raged through my veins. I was sitting safely in my own home and typing on my computer, but my ego told me I was capable of staying in control. My body begged me to understand that I needed to let go.

From the personal/pain values exercise and my experience with the dance of chaos, I was beginning to understand that the action of holding on so tightly had likely caused me a lot of heartbreak, loss, and sadness in my life. In order to fully embrace freedom, vulnerability, and love, I needed to learn to accept and embrace the realization that many of the details of my life were out of my control. My job was to set the compass, feel and embrace the passion, and let the pieces fall into place.

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Behind the Writing

Personal values are the core beliefs, values, and philosophies that we hold for our lives and our life purposes. As we grow up, we take on others' values; when we reach our teen years, we start to accept or reject the values that define who we are. For many of us, it is easy to accept the values that are put on us by parents, teachers, culture, or society. Taking the time to know, question, and determine what we value is important because it shapes our decisions—even the really small ones that determine how we live each of our days. Our pain values are the values we have accepted that are unsupportive or even disruptive in our lives.

When I took the time to explore my personal values and pain values, I was surprised to realize how much of my life was directed by my fears. Take some time to explore your life values and your pain values. The more you know yourself on a deep level, the more empowered you become in creating and guiding your life.

Life Values and Pain Values Exercise

Take some time to explore examples of life values and pain values (you can find many examples on the Internet). See which ones feel right for you. What personal values seem aligned with your life? Make a note of each value that feels right to you and take some time to understand the definition of each one. Try to reduce your list to ten if you can. Now do the same for the pain values, but try to keep your list to five. Fifteen seems to be a manageable number of values to use as your guide.

Once you have your fifteen, create a personal rule statement for each one. Then write down what daily behaviors you will practice in order to move your life forward in the direction you desire. Below are some examples of my life value/pain value statements and rules:

My personal definition of freedom is to embrace freedom in all that I do, to remember that freedom is a state of mind, and to find joy in all that I do, even when I am not enjoying the ride. I keep my thoughts in the present moment.

My personal rules for freedom are to experience freedom by making decisions that are best for me first (from a heart-opened place), to work toward removing myself from any situation I cannot find myself living in a state of freedom, and to recognize when I am out of alignment with my values.

My daily practice is to continue journaling/blogging/writing each day, especially when I am in a funk, to do an active meditation each day, such as staying fully present while walking, doing dishes, or exercising.

My personal definition of zest for life is adventure and playfulness in all that I do, and having the desire to give my all toward living my dreams.

My personal rules for zest for life are to find opportunities to be playful each day, to clarify or redefine my dreams and set goals to achieve these dreams four times a year, and seek out adventures every month.

My daily practice is to explore or engage in something solely for the purpose of play at least once a day.

My personal pain value of loss of control—feeling I have no say, or as if life is happening to me.

My personal rules for loss of control are to meditate daily, to practice yoga when I am stressed, and to avoid talking too much in stressful situations since this gives me a false sense of control.

My daily practice is to stop and examine what I am trying to control when I feel my body tense, my stomach toss, or my teeth clench. I will repeat my mantra and say, "I surrender."

My personal pain value of betrayal is being cheated, rejected, or humiliated.

My personal rule for betrayal is to remind myself that I am enough—and I can walk away from this behavior in my life.

My daily practice includes journaling about and exploring why I am enough. I also look at myself in the mirror each morning and say, "I love you."

The first step to change is awareness. The second step is putting daily habits in place to create positive changes—one step at a time. What have you discovered about your life values? Your pain values? Are you being guided by the values and daily habits you desire? Is your life happening to you or by you?