Don’t live through divorce by yourself, because you’re not alone. Over 1,000,000 people divorce annually in the United States. This leaves approximately 500,000 men each year searching for answers and guidance. The author is a regular middle-class guy who chose to do something positive with his divorce; to turn tragedy into triumph. Now every man can benefit from Joe’s nearly two years of research, his interviews with over two hundred men, and his own personal experience.

Men are often banished by the stereotype of being insensitive womanizers. Nothing could be further from the truth. Men are emotional, men are sensitive, and men are affected by divorce in ways that are traumatic to our very heart, mind, and soul.

This book specifically details:

• Understanding what went wrong
• Healthy ways to accept responsibility without beating yourself up
• Advice to help the children adjust while becoming a great single parent
• Strategies to make it through the dark days of emotional depression
• Re-entering the dating world in a way that best fits each individual

And so much more...Take the time to live and learn from your divorce so you can embrace the far better life that awaits you!

Finish the Journey

A Man's Guide Through DivorceBy Joe Florentino

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2009 Joe Florentino
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4401-7204-5

Contents

Introduction: Welcome to Divorce..................................................xiChapter 1: Face it, You're Gonna be a Bastard.....................................1Chapter 2: Pick Yourself Up, You Big Bumbling Idiot...............................15Chapter 3: Fake it 'Til You Make it...............................................25Chapter 4: Your Ex is Datin' Someone Else.........................................45Chapter 5: Going Into Battle: "The Ex Wars!"......................................53Chapter 6: Our Fathers Failed.....................................................85Chapter 7: Let's Do it Better; Don't Repeat the Same Mistakes.....................101Chapter 8: Oh Great, My Body's Turned Against Me, Too.............................125Chapter 9: Divorce, the Law, and the Money........................................153Chapter 10: Emotionally Getting Over Divorce-What's the Key?......................169Chapter 11: Getting Back in the Saddle............................................181Chapter 12: After The Journey: Your New Life......................................219Bibliography/References...........................................................235

Chapter One

Face it, You're Gonna be a Bastard

You may be wondering why I go on and on about growth in the Introduction, yet I titled the first chapter, "Face it, You're Gonna be a Bastard." That's because the best place to begin real growth is from the very bottom; it's essential to understand your failed marriage from its rawest point. I can't think of anything more honest than to look at yourself and accept that you were probably not Romeo, Prince Charming, or Sir Shrek. (Hey, Shrek may have been a big green Ogre, but he still rescued the princess, right?)

"Face it, You're Gonna be a Bastard" is a chapter title that best captivates the true meaning of owning up and reconciling with yourself. The title also perfectly describes how many people will view you-whether deserving or not.

An apples-and-oranges comparison would be to look at an alcoholic. Alcoholics can't get help until they first admit:

They drink too much

Understand the reasons they drank

And seek to understand what harm they did to others while drinking

I know it's not the best analogy, but I'm confident you'll see point. Before we can do anything else, we must first accept responsibility to gain understanding. We must understand all of the reasons why our marriage failed.

I simply cannot stress enough how failing to take responsibility really damages personal growth. For example, I once interviewed a woman named Erica. She was in her mid-thirties and divorcing after nearly ten years of marriage. Erica only had one child-a three-year-old girl. I spoke with Erica about fourteen months following her separation. Erica was extremely distraught because her ex-husband continued being difficult and confrontational; this constantly extended their divorce proceedings.

About a month before the court date to finalize their divorce, Erica's ex decided he was not going to cooperate with one single aspect of the divorce. He insisted she could only obtain a divorce through "Default." This term is used in California to describe a divorce in which one party wants nothing to do with it, to be a completely inactive part of the process. Erica's ex would not provide any income verification or other necessary documentation. Erica's attorney was forced to subpoena everything-which increased costs and delayed the process.

It was clear Erica's ex didn't want the divorce, but it had been fourteen months. At some point one needs to let go, accept responsibility, and move on. Erica's ex continued blaming her for every single aspect of their failed marriage. Never once did he even suggest he had any culpability in the divorce.

This chapter is the basis of admitting (at least to yourself) your responsibility in the divorce. But "Face it, You're Gonna be a Bastard" is not at all about beating yourself up. Quite the contrary; it's about freeing yourself. It takes a very elevated level of acceptance to understand the reality of your marriage and the mistakes you made, and to then forgive yourself.

This will be the time when you truly begin a period of fundamental emotional separation. If you retain anger and denial, you're still connected to your ex. Separating emotionally is a process that has distinct steps; it doesn't happen from one day to the next. Letting go provides for freedom, but you can't be truly free until you've evolved to a level of total and complete truth.

I'm in no way insinuating that your divorce is completely your fault. There is no need to throw yourself on a grenade because you're a piece of shit and your ex is a saint. I have known many men who took the concept responsibility to the extreme and accepted blame for everything. That's going way too far in the other direction.

For example, I interviewed a guy named Steve who began his divorce with exactly this attitude; Steve blamed himself for every single thing that ever went wrong. It took me and another friend to help Steve see the light.

Steve had been married for about twenty years when his wife caught him cheating. She went off the deep end and allegedly came after him with a knife during an argument just after she found "the evidence." Steve had no choice but to call the cops. He felt so bad that he lost over ten pounds the week following the incident.

In the beginning, everyone was mad at Steve and hated him-her family, their kids, their friends, everyone! Of course, Steve needs to claim some real responsibility since he was the one who cheated; however, he was not the sole reason his marriage collapsed. Even though everyone wanted it to be totally his fault, many things were done on her part that contributed to the culminating events of the affair. And let's not forget the fact that she attacked him with a knife. Maybe that indicates a little instability on her part?

I share this story because it describes how "Face it, You're Gonna be a Bastard" means you must become comfortable with the instability and downright hostility you may get from many people as a result of your divorce. It's a given that your ex may probably have some pretty hostile feelings toward you (maybe even flat out hatred), but there will also be many others.

I must also admit that even though I hate drama, I made the big mistake by causing a lot of my own. I was one of those guys who spent each day fumbling around like a bumbling emotional mess sharing way too much information with far too many people. I would talk about my divorce with anyone and everyone who listened.

I guess it was only natural since it was on my mind 24/7 for over four months. Although talking about your situation with the right people is essential, my experience shows me that talking about it with anyone and everyone (even the homeless dude begging at the corner) is going way too far.

One reason I talked about my divorce with so many people was that I was looking for comfort. In the beginning, I wanted to hear I wasn't such a bad guy. I wanted to feel okay about the divorce. But now I see how I was somewhat of a bastard. I wasn't a peach to be married to, and I did some downright shitty things in my marriage. I was not the dream man I should have been to my wife, and I often made her feel bad and regularly disappointed her.

Now, looking back at the first few months of my divorce, I wish I'd spent more time and energy trying to accept my status as a crappy husband rather than running my mouth with far too many people. In short, I now realize I spent way too much time playing "The Blame Game" with her rather than simply accepting responsibility for my own actions.

But let me clarify; I never beat my ex, I was never unemployed, never made my kid go hungry, never prostituted my ex on the streets of the inner city, etc. I was simply not the best partner to my wife. Of course there're a lot of reasons for this (which I'll detail throughout this book), but the bottom line is it was not all her fault the marriage failed, and I was not the poor victim angel.

In short, I was often a bastard of a husband. Had I just accepted this fact sooner rather than later, it could have saved me a lot of stress. Even though this concept was tough and made my stomach crawl, it was a fact I needed to embrace in order to move toward real growth.

A divorced man named Mitch once told me, "When I finally begin to accept responsibility, I was able to start understanding why I'd done some of the shitty things in my marriage. I began to look at my ex in a different light and see the cause and effect of things we had both done to each other."

I'm confident the road to emotional recovery begins with accepting that you're not going to be seen as the same wonderful man she told her friends and family about in the beginning. In fact, you just might end up being a complete son-of-a-bitch. Honestly ask yourself, are you ready for this inevitable fate of your reputation-that you will be viewed in a negative light by more than one person?

For example, let's take the topic of affairs. Quite often I found that if it was the guy who had the affair, he is labeled an insensitive son-of-a-bitch who is just another typical man. All he cares about is being a womanizer, and it's all his fault the marriage is over.

However, if the woman cheated on the man, it's often still his fault because he created a situation that forced her to cheat. He was emotionally unavailable and a workaholic; he didn't help enough around the house; she wanted a man who could take care of her emotionally and he couldn't; etc. Trust me, I've interviewed hundreds of divorced men and women, and this is a very common theme.

So again I stress to you, you're going to be viewed as a bastard by more than one person as a result of your divorce. Maybe your ex is going to hate you, and maybe your former mother-in-law, and what about the nosy neighbors who may side with her? Your entire life is going to change, not everyone will like you, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I actually find it strange that so many men have trouble with the concept of "Face it, You're Gonna be a Bastard." After all, many guys maintain stressful jobs in which they would never survive without being able to confront others with difficult issues on a daily basis. Yet we often come home and cannot exude the same strength within our personal lives.

Another tough aspect will be the splitting up of friends. I've found that it's very rare for a divorced couple to maintain a close relationship with many of the same friends they had before their split. It's inevitable that most friends will eventually gravitate toward one of the divorced parties.

Even if some of your friends want to maintain a relationship with both you and your ex, one or both of you will make it almost impossible for them to do so. History shows that either you or your ex (or both) may inundate your friends with so much bullshit about your divorce that the friends simply pull away from one of you to gravitate toward the other.

Believe it or not, I've actually become very comfortable with being a bastard. As I learned to love myself outside of my former marriage, being a bastard has come to symbolize I have the courage to stand up for myself. I've developed the intestinal fortitude to not settle in any relationship and to be proud of who I am.

Becoming a bastard is also extremely critical to understand before you enter another serious relationship. Based on my research, a major contribution to the failure of many marriages is that men so often don't stand up for themselves. Too many men seem content to just let their wife or girlfriend run their daily lives. Much of this is laziness. Admit it; we men are often great at being lazy and letting our women do everything. You know that's true for a lot of men!

Remember, women are nurturers by their very nature. If shit is not getting done, women often just do it. However, they subsequently (and often justifiably) develop resentment for our lazy asses. On the other hand, women can often be controlling and bossy, and sometimes it's just a lot easier to let them play "mom" rather than for us to put our foot down and stand for what we want. So, no matter what the specific dynamics of your failed relationship, accepting your part in the divorce should lead you to see things you can do better.

As for me, I won't make this mistake in a new relationship. I'm now very comfortable being a bastard when need be. This may sound contradictory, but standing up for myself has actually helped the quality and success of my post-marriage relationships.

You must take the time to really learn who you are and respectfully take a stand from the very beginning of a new relationship. If a new girl leaves because you're being properly assertive, then be thankful because it wasn't meant to be.

Now, if you date 10 or 15 different women and they all leave because you've gone beyond bastard and become a flat out dickhead, you may want to adjust your tactics. But I'm sure you get my point. Also, if you were a lazy guy, like me, recognize it and correct the behavior. "Relationships take effort" is truly one of the most underrated (yet overly used) sayings that ever was.

Another way you can take this bastard thing too far involves your kids. If you have kids, you cannot badmouth your ex in front of the little ones. Remember, you're an adult going through this crap, but they're losing their mom and dad as a family. I don't care if your ex is the whore of the century and would win "Best Tramp" at the annual Porn Star Academy Awards, these are your babies and you must not become a bastard around them.

I know this is much easier said than done. A divorced man named Sully once told me, "I would have loved to sit my four-year-old down and tell her all about her mother! But as bad as she was, that's still her mom ..."

Sully went through a particularly ugly divorce, but I cannot commend him enough for being able to maintain focus while protecting his little girl. Just listen to how stupid it sounds-actually say out loud, "My four-year-old is gonna hear the truth about her mother!"

And compounding the issue, what if you're so upset that you simply trash your ex to the kids by saying things that are mostly untrue? This was the case with Alfonso as he explained, "As time progressed from my relationship, I really saw how my ex was a good person and a great mom, and it was just a bad marriage. Any negative I would have said to my kids would have been untrue, and I would have looked like a real asshole and really hurt my children!"

Remember, when you're in the middle of divorce, it's just like any other seriously threatening situation-it's almost a given that you'll develop tunnel vision. Maybe you've experienced this phenomenon before. If you're a combat veteran, you know exactly what I mean. During times of severe stress, people can get so engrossed in the threat that they only see what's directly in front of them. Nothing to either side is taken into consideration.

In the case of divorce, your kids often become peripheral issues standing off to the side that you can easily lose sight of. And remember, once you say something to your kids, you can never take it back. Even if you later apologize to your kids and admit you were wrong about what you said, they'll always remember what you said. I've learned kids have amazing memories.

This also goes back to the idea of sharing too much with too many people. Trashing your ex to the kids when you're just rambling with unstable emotions is only going to hurt the little ones-the truly innocent victims of divorce.

I spent many long nights sobbing to friends and family about my ex and how messed up I thought things were in my life. But when it came to my son, I said his mother was the most beautiful woman and I would always love her. I told him we would always be a family, just a different kind of family. Don't gag at the sound of these words. You really need to get there for your kids!

Unfortunately, I'm sure we can all think of kids we know who've been negatively affected by mom and dad acting like complete asses in front of them. You may have even been a product of this yourself when your own parents divorced. I personally admit that keeping my mouth shut around my son was not always an easy thing to do, but I knew it was the one and only off limits area.

If you've been tempted to trash your ex around the kids, I'll touch on strategies for faking it around the children in later chapters. For now, just know this is something that must not be done. If you've already been trashing mom with the kids in earshot, just STOP. Don't make it worse.

Perhaps even sit your kids down (if they're old enough) and explain why you said such mean things about their mother. (and no, you can't tell them the truth: that you're divorcing because their mother is a tramp) If your ex's infidelity is what broke up your marriage, those negative qualities that caused her adulterous behavior will surface soon enough on their own. Basically, if she has bad traits, let your kids figure it out on their own.

It's also understandable (and almost expected) that you must take some time to act like a sissy and mope around with friends and family. But in front of your kids you better show some cool and man-up. As I said, taking care of your kids is the one non-negotiable absolute during a divorce.

Luckily for me, I have only one son and he was seven at the time of our split. He didn't care that we ate fast food for four months. (Actually, he ate it. I felt too much like shit.) He also didn't mind that we lived in a small "Man House" with limited furniture and nothing on the walls. In fact, for a boy, it was like a camping trip. But what did matter was that I took care of his emotions.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Finish the Journeyby Joe Florentino Copyright © 2009 by Joe Florentino. Excerpted by permission.
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