Finding The Right Mate

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Contents

Introduction........................................................................................................xiCHAPTER I THE MARRIAGE..............................................................................................1CHAPTER II THE WOMAN................................................................................................9CHAPTER III THE MAN.................................................................................................13CHAPTER IV FINDING YOUR MATE........................................................................................17CHAPTER V WOMEN THAT CAN BE FOUND...................................................................................29CHAPTER VI MEN THAT WOMEN SHOULD REJECT.............................................................................33CHAPTER VII MEN THAT WOMEN CAN SAY YES TO...........................................................................37CHAPTER VIII SOLVING MARRIAGE PROBLEMS..............................................................................41CHAPTER IX THE CONVICTION OF A LIFE-LONG COMMITTMENT AND IT'S APPLICATION TO MARITAL COUNSELING.....................49CHAPTER X THE UNITY BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE........................................................................61CHAPTER XI THE LAWS OF MARRIAGE.....................................................................................75CHAPTER XII MARRIAGES' SPECIAL CONCERNS.............................................................................95Acknowledgements....................................................................................................111

Chapter One

Marriage is that relationship between man and woman under whose shadow alone there can be true reverence for the mystery, dignity and sacredness of life. Scripture represents marriage not merely as a Mosaic ordinance, but as part of the scheme of creation, intended for all humanity. Its sacredness goes back to the very birth of man.

They do less than justice to this divine institution who views it in no other light than a civil contract. There is a vital difference between a marriage and a contract. In a contract the mutual rights and obligations are the result of an agreement, and their selection and formulation may flow from the momentary whim of the parties. In the marriage relationship, however, such rights and obligations are high above the arbitrary will of both husband and wife; they are determined and imposed by religion as well as the civil law.

In the book of Genesis, we read: "Jehovah God built the rib which he had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. And the man said, "This now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh." She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:22-24). The Lord Jesus Christ also says the same in Matthew; "Have ye not read, that He which made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh. Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh" (Matthew 19:4-6). It is clear from these passages that the woman was created from the man, and that each has an inclination and capability of reuniting themselves into one. That the reunion is unto man (humanity) is also plain from the book of Genesis, where both together are called man (humanity), a male and a female created He them ... and called their name man (humanity)", (Genesis 1:27; 3:22-24) meaning all of mankind.

Marriage love that is truly conjugal arises between a wedded pair who is in such conjunction with the Lord because the above passages clearly prove that marriage is originated by God. From this, it is plain first that love truly conjugal is from the Lord alone and that it is with those who are in conjunction with good and truth from God. Because this conjunction is reciprocal, it is described by the Lord that "they are in Him and He in them" (John 14:20). This conjunction or this marriage was so established from creation; the man was so created that he might be an understanding of truth and the woman that she might be an affection of good, that accordingly, the man might be truth and the woman good. When the understanding of truth is with the man it makes the one with the affection of good, which is the woman; there is a conjunction of the two minds into one. This conjunction is the spiritual marriage from which conjugal love descends; for when two minds are so conjoined that they become as one mind, there is love between them. This love, which is the love of spiritual marriage, when it descends into the body, became the love of natural marriage. This is so of anyone, if he will clearly perceive. A married pair who mutually and reciprocally love each other inwardly, in mind, also mutually and reciprocally love each other as to their bodies. It is known, that all love descends into the body from an affection of the mind; and that without this origin no love exists. When good united to truth flows down from the Lord into a lower sphere it forms a union of minds; when into a still love, it forms a marriage. Actually, conjugal love is therefore a union of minds from good united to truth from God.

Marriage is the conjunction of two in one mind. It shall first be explained what the nature of this conjunction is: the mind consists of two parts, of which one is called "the understanding" and the other "the will." When these two parts act as one, they are called one mind. The husband acts the part, which is called the understanding, and the wife the part, which is, called the will. When this conjunction, which is of the interiors, descends into the lower things that are of their body, it is perceived and felt as love. This love is conjugal love. It is plain from this that conjugal love derives its origin from the conjunction of two in one mind. This is called cohabitation; however, it is said that they are not two, but one. For this reason a married pair are not called two, but one. There is such a conjunction of the husband and wife even in the inmost, who are of their minds, comes from creation itself.

They, who are in love that is truly conjugal, look to what is eternal because there is eternity in that love. Its eternity is from the fact that love increases with the wife and wisdom with the husband to eternity; and in this increase the married pair enter more and more interior into the blessedness of God. They who are in love, that is truly conjugal, look to what is eternal; but if this vanishes from the inmost of their thoughts, they are disunited as to conjugal love. As love that is truly conjugal endures to eternity, it follows that the wife becomes more and more a wife and the husband more and more a husband. The actual reason is that in a marriage of truly conjugal love, each becomes a more and more interior man. For this love opens the interior of their minds and as these are opened, man becomes more and more a man; and in the case of the wife, she becomes more and more a wife, and with the husband, it is to become more and more a husband. The wife becomes more and more a wife as her husband becomes more and more a husband, because it rarely occurs, if ever, that a chaste wife fails to love her husband, but the return of love by the husband fails; and this fails for the reason that there is no elevation of wisdom, which alone receives the love of the wife. Husbands are to demonstrate their self-giving love for their wives by honoring them and showing them respect. The prayer of a husband and wife is important and must not be hindered by misunderstandings in the relationship. The physical strength of men should not become an obstacle to the joint humility required in any praying together.

When those who begin to love one only of the sex, and to desire her to wife, this is the fundamental love of all loves, and especially during the period of betrothment, while it is lingering and progressing to the nuptials; and at length at the nuptials, and during the first days which follow them. All joys and all delights from first to last are gathered into the fundamental love of all loves.

It is evident from this that the earliest love of marriage emulates love that is truly conjugal and causes it visibly to appear in a certain image. This takes place because the love of sex, which is unchaste, is then cast away and the love of one of the sex, which is a love truly conjugal and chaste, sits implanted in its place. Who does not then look on other women with indifference, and upon his only one with love? All delights whatsoever that are felt by man are of his love; through them the love manifests itself, exists and lives. Now, as conjugal love is the fundamental of all good loves, it is inscribed on the very lease things of man and, as was shown before, it follows that its delights exceed the delights of all loves and also that it imparts delight to them according to its presence and at the same time its conjunction with them. It expands the inner most things of the mind, and at the same time, the inner most things of the body as the delicious current of its fountain flows through and opens them. It is because of the superior excellence of its use above all others that all delights from first to last are gathered into this love. All the states of blessedness, happiness, gladness, gratification and pleasure, which could ever be conferred on man by the Lord, the Creator, are gathered into this love. Delights that follow use and are experienced by man, according to the love of the use, is manifest from the delights of the five senses; sight, hear, smell, taste and touch. Each of these has its delights differing, according to their specific uses:

(1) sight - to see the beauty of her skin, her starry eyes and her ruby lips;

(2) smell - to smell the sweet odor of love flowing from her body; (3) taste - to taste the kiss of an out of limited feeling; (4) hear - to hear her tended voice and the breathing of love from her inner groaning; and (5) touch - the touching of her feminine body.

Only as partners honor marriage can sexual union bring its intended fulfillment (Hebrews 13:4). The woman is the source of great pleasure to the man. Sexual fascination and mutual pleasuring are part of God's purpose for sex in marriage as can be seen in Proverbs 5:15-23 and in the Book of Songs. The Book of Songs describes in vivid details the loving sexual embrace (2:3-6; 7:7-10) and the attractiveness of male and female bodies to each other (4:1-7; 5:10-16; 6:4-7; 7:1-6). The satisfaction of healthy sexual experience is clearly set forth in the Book of Songs 8:10. Such experience is designed for the commitment and trust of marriage. Marriage is a divine institution, designed to form a permanent union between man and woman that they might be helpful to one another (Genesis 2:18). The fulfillment of man and woman in each other is seen to be based upon Genesis 2:20-25. The ideal relationship within a marriage is one where each partner finds fulfillment in relating to each other.

The Purpose of Marriage

The purpose of marriage is two-fold: (a) posterity and (b) companionship.

(a) The duty of building a home and of rearing a family (Genesis 1:28 "Be fruitful

and multiply"), to this commandment is due the sacredness and centrality of the child in Judaism, something which even the enlightened nations of an antiquity could not understand. Tacitus deemed it as contemptible prejudice of the Jews that is a crime among them to kill any child. It is in such a society that Judaism proclaimed the biblical view that the child was the highest of human treasures. "O Lord God, what wilt thou give me, seeing that I go childless?" was Abraham's agonizing cry. Of what value were earthly possessions to him, if he was denied a child who would continue his work after him? This attitude of the Father of the Hebrew people has remained that of his descendants throughout the ages. A childless marriage was deemed to have failed of its main purpose; and in ancient times, was admitted as ground for divorce after ten years. In little children it was taught, God gives humanity a chance to make good its mistakes. They are the messiahs of humankind; the perennial regenerative force in humanity.

(b) Companionship is the other primary end of the marriage institution. Woman is to be the helpmate of man. A wife is a man's other self and all that man's nature demands for its completion physically, socially and spiritually. In marriage alone, can man's need for physical and social companionship be directed to holy ends? It is this idea which is expressed by the term [hallowing] applied to Jewish marriages; the hallowing of two human beings to life's holiest purpose. In married life, man finds his truest and most lasting happiness; and only through married life does the human personality reach its highest fulfillment. A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, stays scripture. Note that it is man who is to cleave to his wife, and not the woman, physically the weaker, who is to cleave to her husband because in the higher sphere of the soul's life, woman is the ethical and spiritual superior of man. Even as the wife is - so the husband is. The celibate life is the unblessed life. Judaism requires its saints to show their sanctity in the world and amid the ties and obligations of family life. He who has no wife abides without good, help, joy, blessings or atonement. He who has no wife cannot be considered a whole man. The satisfaction of the needs of physical and social companionship outside the sacred estate of matrimony, unhallowed by religion and unrestrained by its commandments, Judaism considers an abomination, and such extra-marital relations are prohibited just as sternly with non-Jewish women as with Jewish. So Joseph resists the advances of the heathen temptress with the words; "How can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?" (Genesis 39:9). The Book of Proverbs is clear on the attitude of Judaism to the strange women, married or unmarried (Chapter 2:5-8). The New Testament accepted the Jewish view on the subject in its entirety. The whole of Gospel teachings on this subject, even Matthew 5:28 is to be found in the Talmud.

The Marriage Ceremony

The marriage service consists of the blessings of Betrothal, the formula of marriage, the reading of the Kethubah and the seven blessings of sanctification. In later times, the breaking of glass was added. Originally, a considerable time intervened between the Betrothal, by which the bridal couple became bound for all purposes save living together, and the Nuptials proper. Since the sixteenth century, however Betrothal is always combined with the Nuptials. The solemnization of both the Betrothal and Nuptials opens with the benediction over a cup of wine. Wine is a symbol of joy, joyousness at a wedding being a religious duty; and in the wedding grace, we bless our God in whose abode is joy. The couple drinks from both cups of wine, an indication of their resolve henceforth to share whatever destiny providence may allot to them. The Betrothal blessing needs: "Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast given us command concerning forbidden marriage; who hast disallowed unto us those that are betrothed, but hast sanctioned unto us such as are wedded to us by the rite of the canopy and the sacred covenant of wedlock. Blessed art Thou, O Lord, who sanctifiest thy people Israel by the rite of the Canopy and the sacred covenant of wedlock." The commands concerning forbidden marriages are given in Leviticus 18 and 20; the rite of the Canopy is the Chuppah, under which the bride and the bridegroom stand during the service, and is a symbol of their home taking of the bride by the bridegroom. After this benediction follows the bridegroom's declaration, which constitutes the essence of the ceremony. He places a ring upon the forefinger of the right hand of the bride, and says; "Behold thou art consecrated unto me by this ring according to the Law of Moses and of Israel, the general use of the ring is post Talmudic; its place was formerly taken by any object of value. The formula is at least 2,000 years old and expresses the resolve to lead their common life according to the rule and manner of Judaism. After introduced by Simeon Ben Shetach in the first pre-Christian century as a protection to the wife in the event of her becoming widowed or divorced, this document testifies that on such and such a date, the bridegroom says to his bride: "Be Thou my wife according to the Law of Moses and of Israel. I will work for thee; I will honor thee; I will support and maintain thee in accordance with the custom of Jewish husbands who work for their wives, and honor, support, and maintain them in truth. The husband further undertakes the obligation of a certain fixed sum for her prior claim on his estate. All my property, even the mantle on my shoulders, shall be mortgaged for the security of this contract and that sum. Then begins the solemnization of the Nuptials proper in seven blessings. The fourth and seventh of these blessings read: "Blessed Art Thou, O Lord, our God, King of the universe, who hast made man in thine image, after thy likeness and hast prepared unto him, out of his very self, a perpetual fabric. Blessed art Thou, O Lord, creator of man. Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast created joy and gladness, bridegroom and bride, mirth and exultation, pleasure and delight, love brotherhood, peace and fellowship. Soon may there be heard in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and gladness; the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the jubilant voice of the bridegroom's family, their canopies, and of youths from their feasts of song. Blessed art Thou, O Lord, who makes the bridegroom to rejoice with the bride." It is seen that the blessings cover the whole of Israel's history. Each new home is thus brought into relation with the story of creation and with Israel's messianic hope (Abraham). At the conclusion of the blessings, a glass is broken by the bridegroom, a reminder of the destruction of Jerusalem. Another symbolization may also be mentioned; just as one step shatters the glass, so can one act of unfaithfulness forever destroy the holiness and happiness of the home. The service concludes with the pronouncement of the priestly benediction.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Finding The Right Mateby Gilbert H. Edwards Copyright © 2011 by Dr. Gilbert H. Edwards. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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