The Message

I always wanted to write something that would motivate people. I conditioned myself to believe I would do so when life was perfect. Well, look at it now, it's far from perfect, yet there is a compelling feeling inside me to share this lesson: "A message out of a mess!

This book is recommended to be read by everyone, especially businessmen and women or those aspiring to be. At times you might find it mysterious in its content. The reason for that is I felt I want to leave it to the reader to see where this book fits into their life, and not the other way around. If this book can help even one person avoid the circumstances I went through, then the purpose of this exercise has been achieved. It is said we have to learn through experience, believe me some experiences are better left unlived and rather read about! The idea after all is to learn. You might find the entire book intriguing, or perhaps a chapter will resonate with you. The important thing is the take home value I hope it will deliver.

I worked relentlessly for 35 years, over-seeing every detail of my businesses and personal life with passion and a great sense of pride. Then I lost it all. I fell from Grace.

I envisioned the "Fall" TO grace as my return to safety. It is all that, but much more than this, it's about the journey. The suffering and pain unravelled feelings I never knew existed. The slow release of their clutch on my soul, made me savour comfort and health. The hope that replaced uncertainty and fear that allowed me to concede to my past, relish every moment of the present and aspire to the future. The sleepless nights and worrisome awakenings, the conquering of my ego, ensued by the humility and knowledge I have gained in deciphering the Morse code of my identity, have been pivotal in empowering and composing the new me. I am now equipped to embark upon the dawn of the legacy I am about to create "Falling From Grace To Grace".

"Fall!!!" It's Natural

The word "Fall" has been condemned since the beginning of time. You fall and break your leg, you fall into a trap, fall on your luck, and the list goes on and on. Yet the word "Fall" is probably the most defining word in the natural development of human beings. Didn't Adam and Eve fall from the heavens onto earth? If it wasn't for the rain falling would there be life? What an empty life it would be if we didn't fall in love. And isn't the fall of a dictator a happy occasion for his people? You see falling is not necessarily bad. It is not the end, but a new beginning.

Society, culture and economics associate the word "Fall" with failure. You fall that's it! You are ostracized, without any regard for your circumstances, character or age. The phobia of falling starts in childhood. From your first steps you are not taught how to walk, but actually, how not to "Fall." The fear magnifies in your subconscious until it becomes an inherent behaviour and ultimately controls your judgement of yourself and others.

Naturally, the moment you feel you are about to "Fall," you are conditioned to resist. You grab onto everything you can get your hands on in a futile attempt to keep you from this fate, but falling is not the end, it's a new beginning. Take the "Fall" and stand up again.

The fear of falling blinds you to logical analysis. It consumes you to the extent of internal withdrawal. You may appear to function socially or professionally but in reality you are oblivious to the important details of your day to day life. You dwell on the tiniest negative thoughts, blowing them out of proportion in your mind, fuelling your fears of the uncertain and simply driving yourself towards paranoia.

The denial of the "Fall" is usually more apparent in people who are perceived as strong, composed, focussed, even role models. This was me and, I believe, could be me again, but the state I am in now, is far from my old image. Fear of losing my status or aura, levied upon me the responsibility of protecting my hard won image at any cost.

The "Fall" In The Making

I was born into a wealthy family. My father ran a business in the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and provided admirably for us all, until the business ran into trouble. His failing health and ultimate death meant that, aged only twenty one, I was forced to assume responsibility far beyond my capability and experience. I will not deny that I struggled. I endured many hardships along the way, yet succeeded in bringing the business back on its feet while also providing for my mother, two sisters and brother. This commitment was considered by many to be admirable and commendable. As for myself this achievement moulded me into a respected contender in the challenges encountered ever since.

As the years went by, the business became a success story, growing from one to four major companies with branches in the region and a diversified manufacturing base. With time the company standing in our fields of expertise became very strong and the group gained a commanding reputation in developing and executing projects and new manufacturing processes. We formed a solid organisational structure and maintained a very loyal work force of over 2000 personnel.

Challenges were always there but they were overcome and the progress continued. I have to admit, although I worked hard, probably 24/ 7 as they say, for almost 35 years, day in day out in my factories, overseeing every detail, I was never relaxed!!! I was continuously stressed and thought that stress was part of the formula for success. I am sure it is, but not all the time! I never complained though, despite the burden of responsibility at an early age. I came from a culture which exemplified that hardship breeds better men. I was spoon fed that stress is natural and living under it is normal. Over time I even developed an appetite for stress and without it felt static and immobile. I didn't realize that aside from the heavy toll stress takes physically and mentally on a person, its most detrimental aspect is that it numbs your feeling and awareness and hence deprives you of alertness and proper assessment of the events that are transpiring.

As a result of this misconception I never allowed enough time for a process that was just developed to set in and mature. As soon as I brought a project to life I moved on to the next, never giving myself or the development the required time to take its natural course. Developments in business have a financial implication, a direct cost that will be recovered eventually as they become marketable, yet until then, they are a burden.

Reflecting back, red flags appeared along the way, but were discarded because challenges were always resolved and followed by accomplishments. Over time, the more the red flags popped up, the faster they were ignored! The outcome of neglecting these warning signs resulted in little reliance on proper methodology, prudence and diligence, ultimately leading to their elimination. The gains that were amassed by living on the edge imposed a cost of escalated physical stress and anxiety.

With time this hectic routine started to affect my endurance levels, consequently weakening my concentration. I withdrew from the details needed to maintain awareness, direction and, most important, control of my destiny. This was not a sudden or immediate shift but a gradual process. It took decades to take a hold, but once it had a firm grip, my eviction from sensibility and vigilance was swift.

Living under constant stress and anxiety, coupled with the insatiable ambition to pursue growth was an immense load to carry. I accepted it as normal and confused it for hard work. Indeed, part of it was hard work, but the majority was simply a chaos of un-channelled efforts. It felt like being in a perpetual war with the circumstances and myself.

So what happened when I went to war?

I gathered my strengths and set my weaknesses aside. I relied solely on my strengths, which with time, started losing their effectiveness and became obsolete. Meanwhile my weaknesses became more present and dominant in light of my dwindling strengths. You see, it's frightfully simple how habits and false understandings can deceive the strongest of us from the truth.

I had become a victim of my own making, but it didn't stop there! This state of vulnerability transformed my existence into a horrific nightmare, inviting the most disabling emotion, FEAR. It consumed the little resistance I had left and rendered me prey to what I had tried to avoid the most "Falling" from grace.

Wait! It doesn't end there. I had to "Fall" TO grace. This is where it actually begins.

The Final Push

The world financial crisis that extended from 2008 to almost 2011, coupled with the turbulent political situation in the region took its toll on everyone and I was no exception. Business was scarce in the UAE but through contacts I quickly overcame this predicament and opened new opportunities in the neighbouring countries. Ironically, as the business in the UAE started recovering, the new opportunities became a nightmare due to the political unrest of the Arab Spring.

Amid all this, surprisingly, I was still maintaining a reasonably solid standing and had a very optimistic view of the future. Despite this, my fight to avoid the "Fall" invited the external circumstances I believed and hoped would be my safety net. Driven by my incurable optimism, rather than waiting for the economy to recover completely, my uncontrollable gambling spirit prompted me to buy out my partners in order to have the freedom to capitalize on future opportunities.

This decision levied a high toll on the business. I had proved I was a businessman who could create products, services and growth but I had also grown increasingly complacent in adhering to vigilance. Things started to get tough. Financial results didn't live up to expectations and problems snowballed out of control. For the first time in my life I didn't have, or couldn't think of, a solution. I started selling personal and family assets in order to sustain the insatiable financial appetite of my creditors. The stress ate me up but I refused to share it with anyone. I was so fiercely independent and proud I didn't even seek proper restructuring advice. I am telling you all intelligent reasoning was muted! To top it all, I signed on a major project, under falsified facts and aggressive conditions, with inappropriate parties, in the hope it would create favourable cash flows.

Ironically, the project that I hoped would save my business was the final push into my "Fall." Why? My evaluation while in denial was based on incorrect facts. My judgement was impaired. What did I expect? Two wrongs don't make one right! The financial pressure mounted relentlessly and wore me down completely.

The Massacre

The first signs of my withdrawal started with members of my inner circle, my family. This was usually my comfort zone where I could be myself, without having to maintain a protective shield. Slowly, it crept into relationships with my friends, work colleagues and employees. My communication, productivity, efficiency and functionality dipped rapidly, yet surprisingly the change was patiently accepted by those around me. This form of passive understanding, or slow reaction from others was due to the huge credibility I had gained over the years. My changing behaviour was dismissed as "a phase," by others. In my delusional state, this felt like a blessing as it allowed me to hide in plain sight. In reality, it was a curse to be left alone when I needed close people the most.

Then the massacre started. My trusted business associates lost faith in me and severed their support. They pulled the plug and let me "Fall." My reliable suppliers and contractors who had worked with me for decades, started taking advantage of my situation. The problem worsened when I could not meet my financial obligations, which meant imminent legal implications. I realised my entire assets and those of my family would soon be wiped out and still, I would be in debt! This would have been manageable and confined if I still enjoyed my emotional and mental health! I did not! I was unfocussed, delusional and scared.

I became totally irrational in tackling the situation, wholly incapacitated and unable to slow the collapse. The crisis hit and I found myself in a hopeless position with absolutely nowhere to go and no one to seek advice from. All roads were blocked. Everything was "Falling" around me. I was exposed on all fronts with nowhere to hide. My fears were real and challenges had escalated to threats. I was faced only with undesirable options.

I chose to abandon my brutal surroundings and put a stop to the endless suffering. This was a painful choice for a man who has lived his life standing up to difficulties and refusing to shy away from responsibility. It was probably the hardest decision I had to make, but I realised I could not comprehend my situation, nor find a solution while I was in it.

After days and hours of deliberations, I decided to leave the country. My presence was adding to the problem, not solving it. I delegated all my powers to my brother and hoped that maybe in my absence a solution could be reached or enforced. Those days prior to my departure were utterly hellish. How could I just walk away from my responsibility, leave my family, home, businesses and the country I lived in and loved all my life? Everything that I devoted my entire life to was now in disarray. Precious to all, my reputation and credibility were largely diminished in the wake of what appeared as an abandonment of my commitments. Everything I worked for, gone!

I got on the plane, sunk into my seat and cast a look at my whole life. Wow! 35 years washed away down the drain. What had I done? How did I reach this level? How could I "Fall" so quickly and so catastrophically? I had destroyed everything that was sacred to me. My family, my work, literally everything I had touched in my life. Suddenly I was being uprooted, plucked from all that was familiar and tossed into the unknown. My life was in meltdown, my persona dissolved. I questioned my morality and psychic stability. Was my life a hoax? Was it all a big lie?

I had always believed in a life measured by results not intentions. Look at my results! What had I done?

Something within me screamed, "Explain yourself!"

"I fell from grace," I muttered.

Miraculously I heard a voice whisper, "Could it be that you can Fall back to grace?"

Find The Bottom

Accepting the "Fall" is actually assessing and knowing where the bottom is. Defining how deep the drop, in order to appraise your way up. The other option is to resist the gravitational pull of the actions that led to your fall and in doing so you deplete your energy, resources and intelligent reasoning. This resistance ultimately becomes a free fall into a bottomless black hole.

I landed in London, checked into a hotel and was immediately bombarded with calls, some hostile, but mostly out of concern. The first two days were horrible, the suffering was immense, too much to absorb or comprehend. My collapse was very swift and the repercussions exponential, totally magnified and disproportionate to my mistakes, as if I had lost favour with the universe and was condemned to misfortune. I remember those days, holed up in my room, getting no more than two hours sleep a night, waking up not knowing where I was. My morale sunk to the lowest level imaginable and I went into a severe depression. I had a feeling of doom inside me that nothing and no one could help.

I lost my appetite and became a physically feeble insomniac. My daily routine consisted of smoking and walking in circles for hours. My brain was consumed by negative thoughts. I was terrified for the safety of my family. The burden of shame and guilt from letting down my family and all my trusted associates plagued me. I wasn't myself anymore. I barely recognised my reflection in the mirror. My vision was blurred. I could not believe this was happening to me. I was paralysed, unable to take any constructive steps. A dead man walking!

Despite the immensity of the toll of abandoning my life, being away from the vicious circle of hopelessness and clouded thinking was a vital first step in restoring my sanity and regaining my strength of character. Resentment and denial gradually gave way to acceptance as I began to accommodate my new reality and assess the damage. In the depths of my despair in London, my cousin unexpectedly appeared. A much needed aid in my state. He had heard of my deteriorating condition and jumped on a plane to be by my side. He realised that I was completely delusional and incapacitated mentally and emotionally and forced me back to a healthy regime of eating and long walks. This simple routine breathed life back into my system and I began to support myself through diet, exercise and writing. I sought any tools to discharge the tension and stress bottled inside me. I made a point of going to the park repeatedly, rain or shine. I even got to know the ducks by name, Jack, Quack and Mac.