Inside this book is poetry that comes directly from my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I hope that bearing my soul, in black and white, will help others realize they're not alone. I found that when I wrote about my thoughts and feelings, I wasn't doing what was in my mind. I hope that my poetry will help others, their friends and family, to better understand what they feel but are to scared to say. I hope to help them find a way to work together and to keep fighting. I do want to warn those who read this book, it is extremely graphic and may "trigger" some. However, remember while you're reading, it's better to write or talk about your feelings than to keep them hidden. You can fight your demons, but you can't do it alone. I have found my way to cope, and it has helped me to survive. This book, in my words, shows my fight and my victory.

Escaping the Pain

By R.A. Brusse

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 R.A. Brusse
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4490-1070-6

Chapter One

I would like to give a special thanks to two people who have a special place in my heart.

To my sister Jodi, who has always stood by me and loved me unconditionally. She was always willing to listen, even though I usually remained silent. She has supported every dream I've had, including helping me follow through with my dream of writing this book.

To Lisa, who accepts me, all of me, for exactly who I am. From the first day we met, she saw the real me, the person who hides under my mask. She was the one I could lean on when I felt there was nothing more to fight for.

05-25-1993

Questions That Kill

Screaming for the endless torment to stop Running from friends I thought I had Lost in my own shattered dreams Slipping away from the world Ridiculed and threatened every place I go There is no place safe to run to Trying so hard to make my dreams stop Yet wishing that my life was only a dream I am lost, confused Tired in my sleepless nights I lie awake Tears drenching my face Too ashamed to show pain Hidden heart Confused mind Mixed messages all around Split image A person that few know My goal is not to hurt So instead I feel the pain Not trying to be great Only trying to help So many questions that haunt me How can I survive How can I get through The torture

03-16-2009

Appearances

So much has happened Yet silent I stay Nobody has a clue I hide who I am from everyone No one knows what I do No one knows what has all happened No one knows anything about me I appear like I'm fine I sit and joke But when alone I just keep dying Slowly Every drop of strength I have Drips away through my tears Slowly I die from the inside out How much longer can I fight this How much more do I have in me My life slowly slips away And I don't know how to stop it

09-21-1999

What Do I Think

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore Everything is racing so fast I think death I think life I think about my funeral I think about my future I think about being touched and screaming no My body freezing Yet I think about relationships And a future And making love My mind never rests I think work Softball Being alone Being surrounded But yet I never have any answers It's all just jumbled thoughts What's right What's wrong Who are my friends Who are my enemies Do I help Or do I hurt I feel fat - ugly - and stupid How can someone that cares so much Care so little Who am I What do I think

09-24-1999

Different Roles

Sitting in a room full of people Still wondering what friends really are Feeling so out of place Not sure of what mask to wear Should I be the comedian Should I be conservative People say just be me But who am I I've played so many roles That I've lost touch of which role is real I don't feel like I belong But I should This is a person who I truly love Why is it so hard to be me I'm better off by myself With no acts to put on Just being the stupid alcoholic that I am Will I ever find a place in this world Or am I destined to be alone forever My mind still torn between roles

Why Am I Hollow

Sitting alone Feeling only emptiness Nobody wanting me around So many dreams that I have So many people I'm surrounded by But yet only feeling hollow Why

09-26-1999

Why

Incredible day Doing everything I love With people I care for So why do I still feel alone Why am I so different than others All I'm looking for is why Why can I love so much But never be good enough for others to love Why are others so beautiful Yet I stay unattractive Why do I try to be intelligent Yet still feel so stupid Why do I feel so hollow Why do I feel so alone Why can't I find the answers

07-11-2002

Lisa

Trust is a word that all too often is violated It's a word that few know the true meaning But with you It's a natural emotion Something I don't have to think about It's pure And whole heartedly given to you without fear With you It's as if I'm trusting myself Because you make up such a large part of me It's as if we are two separate people merged into one You have my mind You have my heart You have my trust You have all of me Because I love you

Secret Love

The wind through your hair How aggressive you are when on the field How feminine when your not playing softball The way you walk Your caring smile I notice everything From the curves of your lips To your gorgeous eyes There is so much that you don't know I see So much that I want to know So much I wish I could say If you only knew How much I dream How little I know How long I'll wait How well I'll treat you And how much I want to learn But only I know Too scared to even look At the person that is in my dreams My secret will stay hidden For an eternity

Forever Friends

Days and nights I wonder Who will really ever be there Thinking about our friendship That I know we'll always share Knowing that I love you Hoping you know I care You've done so much for me You're a part of my family Your wish is my command Talk and I'll understand Our hearts are intertwined You know you'll always find A friend that will always be by your side

Unforgettable Love

A warm feeling A calm soul An irresistible urge to call you The sound of your voice The feel of your body A tranquility never felt My body is your body My mind your thoughts My heart is yours I feel as if we are one Holding you in my arms Smelling your scent Tasting your lips Unforgettable memories Love A feeling I only have for you

How Do I Handle My Mind

Confusion struck So many thoughts Unanswered questions Urges I can't explain Feeling happy Yet feeling hopeless Will I ever change Will I ever give her the love she needs My mind plays tricks Yet my heart is sure Why do my thoughts interfere When will I ever have control Death Life Love Hate How do you handle feeling them all at once It was so easy I was alone If I died, it wouldn't have mattered Now, it's changed Still the same thoughts Still the same feelings But now I fight not to listen Will my mind ever rest Will I ever live free Can I ever really feel the happiness Or will my mind always disagree with my heart

Unknown Dreams

Fist clenched Surrounded by blackness Lost soul Terrified child Confusion, struck by reality Death on the mind But can only be seen in the eyes Split image to the unknown Scared by life Yet desiring death Lost in the untold story Only understood by the beholder Scrambling for freedom Confused emotions Shattered dreams Unanswered questions Death the only answer The only way out

09-21-1999

Controversies

My body enclosed in concrete Too weak to move My mind races It's so hard Controversies Why won't my mind stop Why is my body weak How do I control it I'm trying so hard to survive Yet I can't stop contemplating death What is right What is wrong And who can make the decisions Surrounded by people Yet always alone I sit and wait Not knowing how much longer to hold on I want to live I want to die I have so much to prove Yet I fail when I try Controversies always in my mind

Will I Survive My Life

Blackness Hollow Emptiness Sadness Fatigue This is normal for me But why Why is death always on my mind How long must I fight When will I no longer be afraid I act tough So people don't know So people don't run in fear But why must I act How much longer can I fight When will my mind rest Who am I Why don't I know When will I feel like I'm living Instead of feeling dead Will I ever survive

In Fear Of Myself

So hollow inside So scared to let myself feel Emptiness fills my heart Loneliness storms my mind Scared to let go Yet afraid to hold on No one knows what I think No one sees what I feel My soul stands alone Hidden behind my mask Not knowing what the future holds Not wanting to remember the past I live day by day In fear of only one Myself

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Escaping the Painby R.A. Brusse Copyright © 2009 by R.A. Brusse. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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