Finding Your Personal Guide

Erica has (reluctantly, I admit) sought the help of a therapist. Her psychologist, Dr. Kathy Johnson, decided that Erica was a suitable client for her therapy based on a clinical assessment. Please look back at the questions Kathy asked Erica. If your response to any of those questions is yes, I strongly urge you to work with a therapist who has expertise in those areas.

Regardless of your assessment, if you decide to seek therapy, I encourage you to make sure the therapist is a licensed mental health professional, not simply a person who advertises her- or himself as certified. Psychiatrists, psychologists, clinical social workers, marriage and family therapists, and pastoral counselors are rigorously trained professionals. They have been tested with state and national exams and must comply with ethical standards. Training in these professions involves many years and is scrutinized by various boards. When you seek the help of a therapist, be sure that professional is licensed by your state to treat mental health issues. Interview them about their degrees and years of training. After all, if you only needed well-intended advice, you could ask a friend!

August 9

Pie day!

I got out some really nice unlined paper, some multicolored sharpies, and started making pies by tracing around a pie pan (of course!) to make sure that they were perfect circles.

The first pie was Mother. The second one: guys. The third one was my sister, Laura. And since I was getting good at tracing these pie shapes, I made a few more: work and boss, along with an abstract one (dreams for the future) and a silly one (my hair and freckles).

I stopped before I built a whole pie shop.

Feeling oh-so in command, I drew up a color key, figuring I'd get extra points for having such classy-looking pies. My slivers of the pies will be yellow, while my mother's will be blue (luckily, I have two blue markers on hand since I may need a lot of that color!). My sister's color can be pink, which she'd like very much — so feminine. Guys are red, work will be green, and I have a fuchsia marker for my boss.

So far, lots of fun. Then, I hit a wall. If Pie One represents all my problems with my mother, can I really color the whole thing blue? It dawned on me right away that I was going to have to color some slivers with my yellow pen if I'm being really honest.

I almost tossed the pies. This was not fun after all.

I spent the whole evening on one pie, mostly staring at the shape and getting weepy — partly out of self-pity, but also a bit out of embarrassment at how judgmental I've been toward my mother, while I've been overly forgiving of my father and oblivious to my own responsibility for the problems in my relationship with Mom.

I almost called her to apologize, but she wouldn't understand this bit about pies, and knowing me, I'd probably get annoyed at something she said and we'd be back in the thick of it. No, I decided to turn in my homework to Kathy first.

Pause Button

Making Your Own Pie

On a blank sheet of paper, draw a circle to represent the outline of a pie (you don't have to make them perfect like Erica!).

Think of someone with whom you have a difficult relationship. Write that person's name above the pie.

Take a few minutes to sit back and really reflect on your typical conflicts or unpleasant interactions with this person. You'll get the best results from this exercise if you:

1. Set aside ten to fifteen minutes for this important exercise.

2. Pick a quiet place to do it, away from phones, TV, and other distractions.

3. Think of a general pattern or typical conflicts, or select a specific event.

You may see and hear many details as you examine this pie. It may surprise you to observe the internal drama that takes place in your brain's theater when you become your own audience. (By the way, this is a tool in itself, which will be discussed in more detail later in Tool #6, the meditation called Snowflakes.)

Now, having listened and observed, divide the pie up into slices. What portion of the pie is the fault of that difficult other? What portion belongs to other people who play some role in this conflict? Finally, what portion of the pie is yours? Don't skip this important part of the exercise. After all, your portion is the part of the pie you can most directly and effectively change. On the other hand, don't claim too much of the pie for yourself, thus omitting the parts that others play in creating this unsavory dish.

You now have a rough picture of this problem pie. It will be even more helpful if you add descriptors and details in each portion. Here are two examples — either one could be an accurate assessment, depending on the situation:

(1) "I have this much of the pie because I never speak up for myself with this person. I'm afraid of his anger, and I keep being nice no matter how he treats me!"

(2) "John gets the majority of this pie. He is such an angry person and speaks so loudly when he argues that it scares me! Other people also experience this with John. Their results aren't any better than mine, no matter how they respond to him."

When we're honest about the composition of our problem pies, we often discover that these ineffective interactions are much more complex than we previously thought. And once we see them more accurately, we may find new ways to behave — new strategies and solutions. We can change our portions of the pie. When this occurs, we often find the whole pie changes, just as changing an ingredient in a pie recipe alters the final product!

To summarize the recipe:

1. Take some time. You are worth it.

2. Draw the basic pie shape.

3. Reflect on the conflict(s) that makes this a problem pie for you.

4. Divide the pie into slices.

5. Add descriptors.

6. Keep the pie picture handy. You'll want to notice changes!

August 13

No matter how old I get, I don't think I'll ever lose that horrible sensation of turning in a paper to a teacher and waiting for the verdict.

Kathy seemed amused by my color-coding, which made my pie with Mom look like it was tie-dyed. There was no verdict, though, just some gentle prodding to help me get through a session that turned out to be a lot more difficult for me than I'd expected.

For the first time, I admitted to myself that I crave my mother's approval. Why then have I pushed her away and argued with her and defied everything she says? Funny way to win approval, huh? But as I was coloring in the blue sections to be sure I kept the focus on Mom and her lack of appreciation for me, I found myself reaching for a bit of brown to represent my dad's part of this conflicted pie.

He was everything to me and everything I wanted to be: smart, active in our community, and busy doing interesting things. Dad always had time for anything fun. I idolized him.

But he also drank to excess. Funny, at the time, nobody in the family talked about it. We all just accepted it as part of life and still seem to see it that way. I guess all kids do that, no matter how normal or awful the situation is. It's what they know. I've heard friends talk about ignoring the elephant in the room — as if it didn't exist. Come to think about it, I do have a real talent for ignoring bad behaviors, especially in males. I think I'm onto something here, even if it is unpleasant.

Dad was always my hero, and to be honest, more of a playmate than a parent. He always called on me to be on his side in his arguments with my mother. "Put up the storm windows? Erica, your mother wants me to spend this beautiful day putting up the storm windows. Don't you think we should take the canoe down to the park for a last ride before it gets too cold?" Of course I did. So we went, and Mom, who worked all week just like Dad, put up the storm windows while we were canoeing. As I got older, I was always his designated driver when we went out for one of our adventures together. I liked the feeling of being responsible for my father.

Multiply this scene dozens of times — I can't bear to catalog them — and they are all throughout my childhood.

Then he died.

That swirl of pink in the pie is my sister, staying loyal to my mother and, if my dad were still alive, she'd probably be in the same kind of relationship with him that I'm in with my mom.

Kathy helped me see that we all share in the responsibility for a conflicted relationship. I want to stop playing the part of angry daughter, disappointed employee, disappointing sister, and girl on the edge of a fulfilling life. I want to make it better. I really do.

So where's the nicely phrased solution to this problem, please, dear psychologist?

Kathy didn't answer my unspoken question. All she said was that I was really making progress, and she assigned more pie-making for homework!

August 20

Oh, today wasn't a comfortable session! We began by reviewing my collection of pies. I had an impressive portfolio because I'd spent a lot of time on them. When I finished looking at my current problem relationships, I went back and revisited some from my past.

I gave myself high marks for the numbers of pies, but I was dismayed at the amount of yellow I saw before me as I placed them in front of Kathy. She, on the other hand, seemed pleased with the yellow spread! She said that I'm starting to understand that I have a lot more responsibility for harmony or problems in my relationships than I was willing to admit before I started these sessions.

Kathy challenged me to ask myself a couple of questions each time I analyze one of my pies: "Which pieces of this pie can I directly affect?" and "Where can I, personally, make or influence a change?" These are the questions of the moment.

Well, I can't change my mother, that's for sure. But I get where Kathy is pushing me. I can change my own behavior. That's my main job, and I know it now. But, there is some good news: It seems I can indirectly change other people's behavior when I change my own. Of course I've experienced this in situations where there's not much at stake. Everyone knows that, usually, you get better service in a store or restaurant when you are nice to the staff. So, I need to stop complaining about my mother and change my behavior when I'm with her. Easier said than done.

Now, there is a big part of me that doesn't want to give up my version of "Who caused this anyway?" It was so much easier to see my mother as the lone villain in the Mom pie, or my boss as the bad guy. Kathy said I've made an important step in healing, even if it doesn't feel comfortable yet.

Just as I was getting the hang of pie-making, Kathy introduced a new tool. She wants me to understand that many tools she uses are from the work of Dr. Eric Berne, Dr. Thomas Harris, Dr. Franklin Ernst, and many other transactional analysts. It seems important to Kathy that I understand the tools she'll be teaching me are her abbreviated and personalized versions of their theories — modified to work for her. I wrote down these names so I can Google them later if needed.

Kathy asked me to look at a chart she calls the Four Life Positions. She gave me several copies of the chart because I'll be using them for homework (the woman is relentless!). She pointed out the various positions and said she often compares them to diving platforms from which we leap into situations. She said that, from childhood, we make conclusions of self-worth based on how we perceive others who are important to us and how we feel or think they reacted to us. She asked that I look at the chart and see if I can figure out which positions I occupied as a child and as a young adult, and which positions are typical for me now.

Here are the positions on the chart:

I'm OK/You're OK I'm OK/You're Not OK I'm Not OK/You're OK I'm Not OK/You're Not OK

Kathy emphasized that these positions are about being OK or Not OK, and that an important part of this tool is to realize that "OK" means just what is says: You're okay, not perfect. That means I can have some flaws. I can do foolish things sometimes. I can have strong points, as well as pockets of stupidity. Yet I can still be basically acceptable. I can still be okay.

I was surprised at my response to this new idea that we are all slightly irregulars. It seems to me that it should be comforting; actually, it's kind of hard to accept. I want to excel. I thought that the goal was to be perfect, or pretty close to it. I can be okay? I don't have to be absolutely perfect all the time? Huh!

I can see right away that "I'm OK/You're OK" is the best position. That's where I want to be. And I want to be there all the time. Yep, aiming for perfection, as usual.

Just to be sure I understood this tool from transactional analysis, Kathy asked about my relationship with Dad. What position would describe our interactions? Well, that was easy! I saw Dad as easy and fun. And we got along really well. I felt that he enjoyed my company. I could easily see that with respect to Dad, we land on the "I'm OK/ You're OK" platform. Whew! That place feels good.

But I was already dreading the next question: How about you and Mom?

I was so ready to give her the answer to show I'm getting it! But, then, she didn't ask. Instead, she assigned me homework. I'm to pay close attention to the positions I'm taking with others in my everyday life, especially with Mom, my sister, and my boss. I've attached a copy of the chart to my refrigerator as a daily reminder to check out my positions.

It'll take me a while to get the hang of it. Right now I'm not feeling as if I'm OK. And if the pie inventory wasn't enough, Kathy asked that I report my observations and insights from the Life Positions chart in our next session. This therapy stuff is no piece of cake! Sorry, I couldn't resist that. I'm on a roll!

All right, enough about bakery items — lots of homework ahead. Kathy says some people find keeping a journal of these discoveries is helpful. I told her about you, my newest companion, Dear Blog, and she seemed to think you are a very good idea. I won't see Kathy again for two weeks, so I'll have lots of time for my homework.

Note to self: Here are the original source documents for future reference:

Games People Play by Eric Berne, MD

I'm OK — You're OK by Thomas Harris, MD

TA Today by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines

Transactional Analysis in the OK Corral: Grid for What's Happening by Dr. Franklin H. Ernst, Jr.

Tony White. "Life Positions." Transactional Analysis Journal 24, no. 4 (October 1994): 269–276.

Pause Button

Developing a Life-Positions Chart of Your Own

Set aside about ten to twenty minutes so you can reflect quietly on relationships with important people in your life, either current ones or those from the past.

Divide an 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper into four equal boxes. Label one box (for convenience, let's call that Position 1) "I'm OK/You're OK." Label the next box (Position 2) "I'm Not OK/You're OK." Label the third box (Position 3) "I'm OK/You're Not OK." And the final box (Position 4) "I'm Not OK/You're Not OK." Most of us have experienced these positions at one time or another in our lives, or we may experience each of them routinely, depending on our daily interactions.

As you examine these four positions, does one of them stand out to you as more familiar? Let's start with Position 1. As Kathy pointed out, it's more pleasant to be in "I'm OK/You're OK." For example, you may feel pleasure as you think of time spent with a special friend. When you are with this person, you feel accepted. You can be yourself. You don't feel defensive. And you don't feel critical. You probably have lots of fun together and laugh easily. You could write that person's name in the "I'm OK/You're OK" box and describe how you feel and what you do when you're together. Someone once described her experience with her spouse as, "When I'm with him, I can live out loud!" That's definitely a feeling that comes out of the "I'm OK/You're OK" position.

Now, let's look at position 2: "I'm Not OK/You're OK." This is a very familiar position in childhood for many people. When you were a child, did you feel inferior and unloved by one of your parents or some other significant person? Were you always trying (often in vain) to please that person? If so, you may recall how it felt (or still feels) to be in that position: feeling unaccepted and routinely desiring the approval of that important person. Make a note of the people in your life who enhance the chances you will find yourself in that box.