On April 19th My life was rearrangedOn that very dayEverything began to changeIt was God’s decisionFather knows bestIn order to build characterYou must pass certain testI’m still standingMy hero is goneNever told the man I loved himFor going to work and always coming homeME: My Emotions, a collection of poetry by R.T.J.J., expresses his innermost thoughts and emotions. ME, an abbreviation of "my emotions," describes the turbulence and challenges that the author has faced on his journey to peace and acceptance. By the age of eleven, he had lost both of his patents and had become an alcoholic. At twelve, he went to jail, where he began smoking weed and PCP by the time he was thirteen. He finally put his troubled past behind him and returned to the church and God Almighty for forgiveness and redemption. Come along as his poetry evokes the bleakness of his past and the triumph of the new life that he has begun with Jesus Christ as his guide.

ME

(MY EMOTIONS)By R.T.J.J.

Trafford Publishing

Copyright © 2011 R.T.J.J.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4269-4143-6

Chapter One

          HERO

    Once he was there
    Then he was gone
    The man of the house
    No-longer home

    Paid the bills
    Bought us a house
    Drank 7 and 7
    While sitting on the couch

    Taking us shopping
    Loving our moms
    Guaranteed everyday
    He'd be coming home

    Taken from me
    When I was nine
    To really get to know him
    I never really had time

    Never saw me play sports
    Didn't live to see a game
    Most of my performances
    Would not have caused him shame

    Lost my guidance
    Discipline became naught
    Preparation for manhood
    Too many lessons I was never taught

    Going to the hospital
    Rolling him around in a bed
    Young mind unable to fathom
    That soon to soon this man would be dead

    Unable to understand
    Figured he'd be back in a week
    38 years later
    Self control I still seek

    On April 19th
    My life was rearranged
    On that very day
    Everything began to change

    It was GOD'S decision
    Father knows best
    In order to build character
    You must pass certain test

    I'm still standing
    My hero is gone
    Never told the man I loved him
    For going to work and always coming home

    R.T.J.J.


          CUD

    In the time that we were young
    Our little lives had just begun
    We were fresh fruit from GOD'S tree
    Never knowing what we would be

    Our father died and left our mother
    For us her children we had no other
    She lived, and died, she cared for us
    In our mother was love and all of our trust

    For we in our hearts must truly say
    That "in love with mother" we'll always stay
    She completed her life, she lived it in full
    With this cruel world she no longer has to duel

    She is resting in peace,
    She's resting in glory
    She leaves her children
    To tell her story

    R.T.J.J.


          Uncle Rob

    My second dad
    A man I loved
    From a completely different
    Line of blood

    Never judged me
    Always there
    Always listened
    Never once unfair

    No Condemnation
    Betrayal not a trait
    Lying was not a problem
    If he said it, it was a date

    Courage, Wisdom, and Strength
    From me has been taken away
    See, He was more that just my Uncle
    He was my friend, and my mainstay

    Always their for me
    Never felt neglect
    Feeling empty at my selfishness
    Because his passing had brought regret

    Today is a day of rejoicing
    My uncle has received his reward
    JESUS' WORD CANNOT LIE
    MORE POWERFUL THAN A TWO EDGED SWORD

    He promised He would come for us
    And call us to His own
    Said His Father's house has many mansions
    And for us He'd prepared a home

    My uncle has found his glory
    He's hit his perfect stride
    My God has blessed him with perfect Spirit
    That with the Saint's He may abide

    R.T.J.J


          THE MESSAGE

    Have you heard the message of GOD and His Love?
    How he sent His son from His glory above
    See JESUS died so that we might live
    Unselfish by nature only in love does He give

    See I believed no man
    Only the words of my own
    Til I searched through a book
    About a man and His Throne

    I said to myself
    This just can't be true
    Someone made this up
    Just out of the blue

    So I lived my life
    In a ungodly way
    Digging deeper into hell
    Day after day

    Using and abusing
    Those I loved most
    Getting with my friends
    And about this I would boast

    In and out of jail
    My second home
    When released to freedom
    The streets I did roam

    Always believing
    I was really a man
    The concept of manhood
    I couldn't understand

    Then I met a woman
    One I'd known but never knew
    And she told me that the story
    Of JESUS is true

    She said that He died
    And yet He still lives
    And if I asked Him in faith
    My sin he'd forgive

    She said get on your knees
    And pray to the LORD
    Give your life unto JESUS
    And receive your reward

    So I opened the book
    And reread the story
    About powerful giving
    And wonderful glory

    I read the book
    Almost everyday
    And little by little
    I began to pray

    And upon my knees
    I began to cry
    See He loved me so much
    He was willing to die

    Then one day
    I felt a little strange
    And little by little
    I began to change

    But don't believe me
    Just try it one day
    Get on your knees
    And begin to pray

    And when you stand
    Different you'll be
    I tell you the truth
    Jesus set me free

    R.T.J.J.

          Emotional help

    God help me with my feelings
    To control my emotions
    To ignore foolish behavior
    My anger is like an ocean

    Pent inside me is a bomb
    An uncalculated explosion
    Seeking to utterly devastate
    And stop the lungs of motion

    All I seek is peace
    To be treated with respect
    But the power some wield
    Has brought about neglect

    Neglect of others rights
    Damn to their feelings
    Treated like human cattle
    God we all could use some healing

    R.T.J.J.


          FIGHT BACK

    No longer will I be depressed
    Forever will I fight!
    I'll tell those demons to go to hell
    When they come at me tonight

    I'll draw near to the father
    So Satan will have to flee
    I'll rebuke him in the name of Jesus
    To return his misery

    I'm tired of them messing with me
    But that don't mean they'll quit
    But with prayer and faith I will do battle
    And make those demons split

    During the day their missions are subtle
    In preparation for their nightly attack
    I prayed to God for a little wisdom
    And now I know how to fight back

    Bolo punches don't work on Satan
    His chin is to damn strong
    But with short jabs and uppercuts
    A person can't go wrong

    You jab with praise
    Uppercut with prayer
    Faith a solid right hand
    Obedience is his nightmare

    God has given us all the weapons
    The greatest of these is love
    So step to mark and square your shoulders
    And fight with your spiritual gloves

    R.T.J.J.


          FLESH AFTER DEATH

    STAREING INTO SPACE
    MY MIND HAS LEFT
    NOTHING IS STRANGER
    THAN IMAGING YOUR DEATH

    A WHOLE NOTHER WORLD
    FILLED WITH GLORY OR DOOM
    FILLED WITH SPACE AND HAPPINESS
    OR DARKNESS AND VERY LITTLE ROOM

    WHERE WILL YOU BE
    TELL ME DO YOU KNOW
    WHERE WILL YOU WIND UP
    WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO

    UPSATIRS OR DOWN
    HEAVEN OR HELL
    CONTROL YOUR OWN DESTINY
    NO TIME TO FAIL

    AFTER DEATH IT'S OVER
    TIME NOW TO TAKE A STANCE
    WHEN THE FLESH RETURNS TO DUST
    NO RETURN NO MORE CHANCE

    SO WHERE WILL YOU BE
    AFTER THE TRUMPET SOUNDS
    WHERE WILL YOU GO
    WHEN YOUR FLESH RETURNS TO THE GROUND

    R.T.J.J.


          FOOLISH

    Heavy is my heart
    A weight in my soul
    A life of destruction
    I lived very bold

    Now I'm tired
    Trying to find peace
    Anxiety invades my spirit
    Satan refuses to cease

    Got to keep praying
    To cleanse me inside
    Rebuke these demons
    Till they run and hide

    God has the power
    Satan is a lie
    But that doesn't mean
    He won't continue to try

    To bring you down
    Is Satan's game
    To humiliate and degrade you
    And cause you great shame

    But I now understand
    He can be defeated
    In heavenly places
    He's no longer seated

    Truly he has fallen
    Truly he has fell
    Into his own created torment
    A place called hell

    He wants you to come visit
    And stay for a while
    So he causes you trouble
    With trial after trial

    Cunning and baffling
    Underestimate him not
    I here where he lives
    It gets very, very hot


    I must admit
    He had almost won
    Until my momma told me
    That Jesus is the one

    Full of strength
    And sanctification
    His spirit brings glory
    And gratification

    His love is unlimited
    Thank God I know to pray
    In Jesus blessed army
    I have decided to stay

    Memories can kill you
    And drive you insane
    Your past can hurt you
    And bring enormous pain

    Until you understand
    Your sins are forgiven
    You're no longer trapped
    In the life you were living

    Cleansed by the blood
    Redeemed through the power
    Forgiveness being renewed
    Everyday on the hour

    R.T.J.J.


          FOOLS ON EARTH

    God is my only friend
    No one left to trust
    No matter how I live
    Heaven is a must

    Eternity is not an option
    Eternity is to damn long
    Why should I let a rock?
    Beat me in praising and singing God's song

    If I praise Him and I am right
    I'll receive eternal life
    If I ignore His word and His name
    Only my self can bare the blame

    Fools inhabit the planet
    Always putting money first
    Doing evil in the name of God
    In reality just making things worst


    The state of man is sickening
    Relying upon his own understanding
    God's wealth is to be shared by all men
    Only God has the right to do any demanding

    R.T.J.J.


          DEVASTATING ATTACK

    I'm just fucking not happy
    What more can I say
    I've neglected to go to church
    I've neglected to pray

    No peace without the father
    No comfort within
    Feeling like raw shit
    Wrapped, cooked, and baked in sin

    Fighting so many demons
    From within and without
    Not praying and going to church
    Has caused me great doubt

    Internal turmoil
    Filthy in my guts
    Unworthy of glory
    Tossed upped punk ass slut

    Can't find my manhood
    Loosing who I am
    No true friend to speak of
    I've found I give a damn

    The pressure is closing in
    I am under attack
    Although I knew it was coming
    I've forgotten to fight back

    I knew Satan was coming
    Long before he arrived
    I know by the blood of Jesus
    This to I will survive

    Subtle was his approach
    Devastating he thought it would be
    But I still stand tall and strong
    Living in victory

    Defeat is not an option
    Lying down is not a thought
    Victory is my destiny
    By Jesus blood I've been bought

    Fear tried to choke my spirit
    Thinking in the wrong direction
    Covered by the blood of Jesus
    He was raised for my protection

    Nothing else to fear
    Satan won't go away
    Time for me to go to battle
    And get back upon my knees and pray

    R.T.J.J.


          GO AWAY

    The devil got after me today
    Almost had me depressed
    He came with the pits of hell
    He came like a demon possessed

    He attacked through my loneliness
    Attempting to cause despair
    He suggested no one loved me
    And told me no one cared

    He came at me from all directions
    Seeking to cause me trouble
    I stood my ground in the name of Jesus
    And rebuked him on the double

    I told him to get out
    And dismissed him from my cell
    I bound him in the name of Jesus
    And sent him back to hell

    I told him I didn't love him
    I got on my knees and prayed
    I told him God is my only King
    And to Him alone went all my praise

    I refuse to be defeated
    By such a thing as he
    I'd be a fool to let him win
    While I've been promised victory

    I refuse to be depressed
    Or let him cause me strife
    I refuse to be a fool
    And let him ruin my life

    R.T.J.J.


          Another Day

    Morning breeze of another day
    As the sun takes its place in the sky
    Another chance to be successful
    Another opportunity to try

    Another day to say I love you
    To my two blessed kids
    I have a chance to express my gratitude
    To GOD my truest friend

    Rising to the morning sun
    The warmth invades my bones
    As yet another fact
    My God is still on HIS THRONE

    Ants go about their busy schedule
    The fly's they irritate
    Leads me to the conclusion
    It still is not to late

    Birds they sing in sweet melody
    As spiders wait upon their prey
    Yes GOD I must say thank you
    For another Glorious day

    R.T.J.J.


          BETRAYAL

    Pretty soon they'll understand
    R.T. simply don't give a damn
    To hell with their actions
    Their presence is just another distraction

    They now have quit
    Not understanding I don't give a shit
    There's peace in the fact that they've gone away
    Because if love wasn't shaky, they surely would have stayed

    Trying to raise a grown ass man, with bad advice
    They can collectively kiss my ass, morning, noon, and night
    Say I love you strictly with words
    If action speaks- there's nothing to be heard

    Wanting someone to kiss his or her ass
    Self-righteous idiots caught up in the past
    Trying to tell me about my behavior
    Love is unconditional-not one of your favors

    Bring it all or don't bring none
    Be real or leave because I'm not the one
    To my family- you may all go to hell
    The stench of your presence, has left an awful smell

    R.T.J.J.


          DECIDED BY GOD

    Tortured is my soul
    Stunted is my growth
    I played at being intelligent
    In stupidity I would boast

    Life isn't simple
    New troubles everyday
    Dipping, dodging, and sucker ducking
    Re-learning how to pray

    Struggling with my intentions
    Walking in the blind
    Searching for true happiness
    Uneasy-with no peace of mind

    Wanting but not striving
    Gifted but driven
    Believing when GOD says
    So it is said so let it be written

    I am not a truck
    Just do foolish things
    Praising GOD is a no brainer
    To HIS word alone I need to cling

    Not the wisest man
    But this one thing I know
    Must serve and trust in my savior
    Through whom all blessings flow

    R.T.J.J.


          DON'T GIVE UP

    FOLLOWING MY DREAMS
    WON'T GIVE UP
    WILL GET OUT
    AND STRUT MY STUFF

    WITH GOD ON MY SIDE
    I WON'T BE STOPPED
    JESUS WILL LEAD ME
    WHEN I GET OUT

    I WANT A LOVE
    I NEED A WIFE
    MY OWN PERSONAL FRIEND
    WITH WHOM TO SHARE MY LIFE

    MISTAKES I HAVE MADE
    PERFECT I AM NOT
    FOLLOWING MY JESUS
    IS NOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT

    GOD IS THE KEY
    TO HEAVEN OR HELL
    ONLY HE CAN READ OUR HEARTS
    AND BRING US OUT OF OUR SHELL

    GOD IS LOVE
    NO MATTER WHAT
    WHATEVER HAPPENS
    I'LL NEVER GIVE UP

    R.T.J.J.


          GOD IS NEAR

    The walls are closing in
    My enemies are all around
    Seeking to destroy my existence
    Trying to pull me down

    I feel demon forces at work
    Wishing to invade my soul
    Trying to turn my future
    Of my destiny they want control

    I fight with them constantly
    For righteousness I struggle
    When I hit them with the cross of Jesus
    They back away befuddled

    They circle out of jealously
    Intending me as their prey
    I douched them with the blood of Jesus
    But they still don't go away

    I find myself in a fight
    The demon forces are near
    But I stand my ground with the Holy Spirit
    Cause God is already here

    R.T.J.J.


          HANDLE IT

    Mesmerized by this emptiness
    Stuck in whirlwind of emotion
    Dark whole of loneliness
    Thankful for her devotion

    Sailing in my fantasy
    Reaching to free
    Wondering what happened
    Why am I no longer me

    Struggling with temptation
    Loosing many rounds
    I keep getting handled
    But refusing to go down

    Tough is the fight for freedom
    Equality comes from within
    I decide my own self worth
    I don't need the approval of other men

    Stomped but not out
    Fallen but not defeated
    The battle rages on
    Nothing has been completed

    Strength is ever growing
    Tapped into a new source of power
    Feeling stronger every minute
    Growing more confident by the hour

    Knowing I'll never loose
    As long as I never quit
    Just another day in life
    Yeah I can handle this shit

    R.T.J.J.


          Healing and Promises

    The Lord is my Shepherd or so they say
    Can you prove He's with me day after day?
    When I was shot, was He at my side?
    When my car hit that pole did His love abide?

    When my baby born and for nine minutes did not breath
    When her lungs filled with air who caused me to be relieved
    When my son was beaten and almost died
    Who quickened his body and brought it back alive

    When I was beaten robbed, and left for dead
    When I walked through blue wearing all red
    When I was doing wrong and shot in the head
    Was it the spirit of God bringing healing to my bed?

    Time has come that in something I must believe
    Is God really real through the devil have I been deceived
    Can I know the truth is God really King
    Should I glorify His presence in His name should I sing?

    Should I believe this book they say were written by whites
    The ones that wore hoods and only came out at night
    But how do they know who truly wrote the book
    Were they looking over their shoulders did they get a good look

    Well all I know is that I've been changed
    Since I fell on my knees and began calling His name
    I haven't been robbed or shot in the head
    I haven't been beaten and left dead

    My babies are alive both are well
    They both believe in Jesus, His story they tell
    In Jesus they call in Him they trust
    If Jesus is real find Him I must

    R.T.J.J.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from MEby R.T.J.J. Copyright © 2011 by R.T.J.J.. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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