Emotional Intelligence provides practical advice and strategies for improving emotional and social intelligence quotients by embodying the disciplines of personal authenticity: unconditional trust, respect, truth, honesty, fairness, care, openness, and forgiveness. Understanding the emotional effects of blame and the importance of personal accountability will lead to learning and professional success. Personal and professional success in a diverse organization depends on the ability to understand, master, and express emotions-that is, self-mastery-and to perceive and respond to the emotions of the people with whom we live, learn, and work-that is, empathy. These two faculties represent our emotional intelligence, the capacity that determines our actions, personal patterns of interactions, and the pattern and quality of all relationships. It is, therefore, essential to establishing success in the diverse workplace. Fundamentally, a community is a system of relationships between people with common interests. Focusing on commonality raises the priority of appreciating and understanding differences, and this priority comes from within a community rather than being imposed on it from outside. Thus, we must move beyond diversity and differences to commonalities as the foundation for building effective organizations and communities. Learn to refocus your organization on commonalities, develop effective strategies for personal accountability, and aim for success with Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence

For the Authentic and Diverse WorkplaceBy Denys Santos Blell

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Denys Santos Blell
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-7026-7

Contents

Foreword............................................................5Preface.............................................................8Acknowledgements....................................................13What is Emotional Intelligence?.....................................20Trust and Forgive Unconditionally...................................41Recognize Similarities and Value Commonalties.......................54Recognize and Understand Differences................................57Deal with Personal Prejudice........................................72Build Relationships Across Differences..............................74Manage Differences Before They Become Conflicts.....................80Do Your Best to Keep All Commitments................................85Practice Personal Accountability....................................87Be Fair with Yourself and Others....................................92Listen Carefully for Understanding..................................96Give and Receive Feedback with Care.................................99Be Flexible and Open to New Ideas...................................102Being Your Best at What You Do......................................105Epilogue............................................................122Appendices..........................................................127Emotional Intelligence Quiz.........................................127Emotional Intelligence Profile......................................136Behavioral Coaching Process.........................................139Personal EI Commitment Contract.....................................141Conversation Questions..............................................143References and Suggested Reading....................................144Endnotes............................................................149

Chapter One

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, discipline, and express emotions (impulse management) and to respond to the emotions of those with whom we live, learn, and work. Emotional intelligence determines our personal patterns of interactions and the quality of the relationships we develop. When we are emotionally intelligent we have the ability to control our emotions, which affect the way we relate to others, the quality of our relationships, and our sustained success in the diverse workplace. Emotional intelligence is embodied by emotional self-mastery. We are emotionally intelligent and authentic when, through self-mastery and impulse management, we learn to embody the disciplines of unconditional trust, respect, honesty, truth, fairness, care, openness, and forgiveness.

What is Social Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is about the qualities of the individual, while social intelligence is about the qualities (pattern and type) of social interactions between individuals and among people. These qualities determine the type of relationships and the type of power they collectively generate. Social intelligence means individuals in the group have embodied the disciplines of authenticity and are able to relate to others in ways that build and sustain authentic relationships.

Social intelligence is the capacity for relating to others in a manner that builds and sustains authentic relationships and systems. This type of relationship is defined by what Martin Buber calls "I-Thou" relationships. In short, this means we treat others as subjects and not as objects to be threatened, manipulated, controlled, and used. Subject-to-subject relationships are the foundation of the golden rule.

What Happened to Us?

It is too often the case in modern American society that child-rearing does not lead to emotionally healthy children. Sometime during a child's upbringing, something or someone (consciously or unconsciously; intentionally or unintentionally) hurts the child or a traumatic event leaves a lasting emotional impression (trauma). The level of severity of this traumatic experience (fear) determines how such children are affected after the event. There are two common types of post traumatic impressions: post-traumatic stress disorder and post traumatic stress syndrome, and they determine the level and type of fear experienced and, over time, how the person feels and behaves. Emotions and moods determine patterns of actions and interactions (behavior).

There is an old folk story about a hiker in the desert who angrily chased a rattlesnake that had bit him. He finally cornered and killed the snake thirty minutes later. By the time he realized he needed medical care for the snake bite, the pain had become unbearable; the poison had traveled through his veins to his vital organs. He went into toxic shock a few hours later and died before he could get any help. Had he focused on dealing with the poison immediately, he might have saved his own life. Instead of dealing with the poison, he chased and killed the snake.

Realize that after any hurtful experience, you always have a choice of either dealing with the poison or emotionally chasing the proverbial snake that "bit" you years ago, watching yourself slowly die emotionally from the poison. Accept that though you may not be responsible for the original trauma, you now have the responsibility for doing something about the poison in order to manage its effect on your life, if you are to live and grow emotionally. The choice is yours; exercise it and discover the exhilarating power of free will and volition. You are the one that has the most to gain from dealing with the poison.

Remember that forgiveness is not something that you do for someone else; it is something that you do for yourself. When you stay angry with someone, you have made that person a part of your life. Unconditionally forgiving yourself and those who have hurt you are very powerful ways of healing the pain and shame caused by the hurts and humiliation experienced long ago when the snake bit you.

What is trauma?

The degree of intensity of a traumatic experience determines which of the two types you develop:

1. Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or

2. Post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS)

In the first, PTSD, the experience was so intense that you believed you were going to lose your life. In the second, PTSS, the experience was not as intense; you were not seriously hurt, but the experience was demeaning and humiliating. The psychological symptoms of the two are the same, except for the degree of intensity. While intensity differentiates PTSD from PTSS, the symptoms are generally the same. They include fear, anxiety, chronic insomnia, guilt, explosive temper, depression, eating disorders, difficulty focusing, substance abuse, and relationship problems.

In both cases, trauma affects breathing, starves the brain of oxygen, and over time determines your mood and how you feel and behave. Walking long distances, as described below, is critical to changing how you breathe. In some cases, however, walking alone may not be sufficient. You may need to seek the help of a professional therapist.

How does trauma affect us over time?

A traumatic experience affects your breathing and how you feel. The amygdala, the part of the emotional brain that is the human alarm system responsible for protecting you from danger, is very intensely aroused. This experience causes your breathing to automatically switch from deep abdominal breathing to frequent but shallow chest breathing, helping your heart pump Adrenaline saturates blood flowing to the large muscles. Adrenaline gives you the energy and strength to fight for your survival or to run like hell away from danger and possible death, to save your life.

Chronic high-level arousal of the amygdala leaves it permanently aroused, requiring medication to calm it down so that you are not relieving the traumatic experience over and over again after the event. Medication, psychotherapy, and regular exercise help you maintain relative emotional calmness. Without treatment, the arousal of the amygdala means you generate too much energy in your large muscles, caused by excess adrenaline in the blood stream, for the task in which you are involved. Too much energy in the large muscles causes stress and eventually, over time, can lead to hypertension, or high blood pressure, and other problems.

This is also true in situations in which the experience was sub-traumatic and not as severe as the former. Repeated arousal of the amygdala beyond the normal range over time also affects its ability to return to its original level of calmness. Though not as extreme as PTSD, PTSS nonetheless leaves the amygdala aroused beyond its normal range, generating too much energy in the large muscles for the task at hand. One of the most common effects of PTSS is generalized anxiety. The continually aroused amygdala manifests as stress. We know that when you are already emotionally stressed you will overact to everything that happens around you. This is why it's sometimes said that stress makes people stupid.

Remember that the arousal of amygdala automatically switches your breathing from deep abdominal breathing to frequent but shallow chest breathing to help the heart pump blood and adrenaline to the large muscles. Shallow chest breathing constricts the flow of oxygen to the blood vessels to allow adrenaline to work. This means that you are receiving only the bare minimum of oxygen required to stay alive. To reverse this, you must interrupt your breathing by switching to deep abdominal, or diaphragmatic, breathing. To sustain deep breathing, teach yourself how to unconsciously breathe deeply from the abdomen out. One way to do this is through long distance walking.

If you continually experience stress, you may want to consider seeking professional help to determine the sources of the stress in your life and to find out if medication may help reduce the anxiety that is manifesting as stress. Medications such as Zoloft or Zanax are often very effective in reducing the level of anxiety. When supplemented by regular exercise or meditation, the combination may transform how you feel and behave, as well as the quality of your work. Please consult your medical or mental health doctor for proper evaluation to determine if medication is appropriate for you.

How Does Deep Diaphragmatic, Abdominal Breathing Help with Impulse Management?

Regular exercise and deep abdominal breathing release beta endorphins, especially oxytocin and serotonin, into the bloodstream. Oxytocin and serotonin are hormonal endorphins that enhance the body's ability to transport oxygen to the emotional brain and have an immediate calming effect on the amygdala to reduce anxiety. The more you exercise and breathe deeply, the more oxytocin and serotonin you will produce and the calmer you will become. The calmer you become, the greater your ability to manage reactive emotional impulses. Remember that deep breathing achieved through regular exercise, meditation, yoga, or other means is critical to impulse management and emotional intelligence.

How does one learn to embody deep breathing for emotional calmness?

An essential part of the process of developing basic emotional intelligence is a commitment to regular exercise and deep breathing. While exercise in general, without or without meditation, is good for stress reduction, walking meditation is indispensable to the processes of self-mastery and impulse management. Try the following:

• Check with your personal physician to ensure that your health permits regular walking exercises.

• Begin walking slowly and increase your speed in increments until you reach a comfortable speed.

• Start with a mile a day (morning or evening), and slowly increase your mileage to two miles a day.

• Slowly increase your weekend mileage to three miles each on Saturday and Sunday; continue to increase your mileage by increments of a mile each week until you reach a comfortable mileage.

• Ideally, you should walk a minimum of between fifteen and twenty miles a week to get the full benefit.

Use this quiet time to reflect on your strengths and on areas of potential growth with regards to the core emotional disciplines, the changes that you would like to make, and what the eventual outcomes would mean for you. You may reflect on the "Emotional Intelligence Profile" in the appendix of this book, particularly the feedback you received from a friend, colleague, or coworker who has worked with you and knows you very well. Consider one discipline at a time, and remember that the emotional brain learns in deep cycles of practicing and learning repeated over and over again. It is not going to be easy at first; some memories of trauma are very painful, buried deep in the emotional brain, commonly called the unconscious mind.

Remember: the process of self-mastery begins with self-awareness. Consider the feedback you receive from a colleague or coworker as the beginning point of the process of emotional self-mastery. The next step is for you to reflect on the source(s) or cause(s) of the problem of which you are now aware. This part of the process, self-examination, is essential to self-understanding. At this point, you are not only aware of the behaviors that need to change; you have also examined them and are now in the process of understanding how and why the problems exist. At this stage in the process, you are well on your way to the next step: self-understanding. Continually paying attention to how you feel during the course of the day will provide you with opportunities to examine those feelings that will help you develop self-understanding. When you understand yourself, you are more likely to become more motivated to do something about it. Self-understanding is the motivation and energy source for self-motivation, which enables you to control or manage the specific emotional impulses that are creating the undesired feelings, behaviors, and problems. In turn, self-understanding is the source behind the motivation and energy essential to self-discipline and self-mastery.

If you discover something too painful, traumatic, or difficult to deal with, please seek the professional assistance of a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist. Do not try to deal with it alone.

As you continue in this process, you will slowly begin to experience changes in the way you feel and behave. Most importantly, you will begin to exercise more control over the emotional impulses that prompt you to react to the things that are happening around you, allowing you to respond appropriately, what Steven Covey calls response-ability. The more impulse management you are able to exercise, the more EI capability you will experience. Good luck!

What Are the Benefits of Emotional Intelligence?

The benefits of emotional intelligence are success and satisfaction in your professional as well as personal lives. Your capacity for success is directly tied to your level of emotional intelligence. Improving your emotional intelligence will lead to reduced fear and anxiety about relationships with people, particularly those who are different from you. This comes about not because you are confident that you will always know what to say but because over time you have developed strong relationships, and you know how to continue developing these relationships for the long-term. New relationships will become less stressful and easier to develop with the more practice and success you experience. When you have strong relationships with those who live, work, and learn with you, it shows in your attitude and the attitude of others toward you.

These attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies. When people perceive this attitude, they expect that you will be trustworthy and likeable. And we usually see what we expect to see. When we are emotionally intelligent, we tend to develop relationships that lead to personal satisfaction, happiness, and professional success.

What Are the Dimensions of EI in an Authentic and Diverse Organization?

There are three dimensions of emotional intelligence in the authentic and diverse organization. They are:

• Impulse management • Self-mastery • Authenticity

What is Impulse Management?

Impulse management is the ability to manage the emotional impulses that prompt us to react in difficult and potential conflict situations. Impulse management is the key to our ability to be responsive instead of reactive and is critical to slowing down the speed and need to become judgmental about the people and the difficult issues with which we struggle. It is essential to our emotional intelligence but also critical to our level of cognitive intelligence. The ability to understand and listen to what others are saying is enhanced by slowing down the need to become argumentative and disagreeable.

Impulse management also requires the will to accept the need for change, the resolve to practice the new disciplines, and the commitment to learn from mistakes and shortfalls as we master the new disciplines.

How Does One Develop Emotional Intelligence?

Some people are born with emotional intelligence. It is a gift. For this, they are admired and respected. But most of us have to learn new ways of relating to others that enable us to communicate better and build stronger relationships. Those of us who do not have the "natural talent" to relate well to everyone have a choice about whether or not to learn to emotionally discipline ourselves. Because change is inevitable, you may wish to change in ways that you desire instead of leaving it up to chance and the will of other people.

Being open to change is the first step in the process of developing emotional intelligence. There is nothing more rewarding than exercising your free will to change. Indeed, it is much more satisfying than waiting around to change according to chance, your environment, or your boss. Our level of emotional intelligence is measured by our capacity for self-renewal and ability to have satisfying relationships at work and elsewhere. The capacity for self-renewal is essential for continual change, growth, and sustained success in a diverse and dynamic society.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Emotional Intelligenceby Denys Santos Blell Copyright © 2011 by Denys Santos Blell. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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