DOOR OF HOPE

THOMAS NELSON

Contents

Foreword..................................................................viAcknowledgments...........................................................ixIntroduction..............................................................xi1. Healing Emotional Wounds...............................................12. Step I. Face the Problem...............................................93. Step II. Recount the Incident..........................................334. Step III. Experience the Feelings......................................455. Step IV. Establish Responsibility......................................556. Step V. Trace Behavioral Difficulties and Symptoms.....................757. Step VI. Observe Others and Educate Yourself...........................858. Step VII. Confront the Aggressor.......................................939. Step VIII. Acknowledge Forgiveness.....................................11710. Step IX. Rebuild Self-image and Relationships.........................13911. Step X. Express Concern and Empathize with Others.....................15312. Restoration—His Redeeming Work..................................165Commonly Asked Questions about Abuse and Recovery.........................175About the Author..........................................................222Notes.....................................................................223Books for Further Reading.................................................27

Chapter One

When words fail, tears flow. —Chuck Swindoli

One crisp evening, I was at a women's retreat (sharing my FREE TO CARE recovery steps for the healing of emotional wounds when I noticed Joanne sobbing quietly in the last row of the rustic meeting room. Joanne, a small vivacious woman in her thirties, related well to the other women. She had appeared trouble free, yet now she was weeping in the arms of a friend.

Several minutes after speaking I was able to work my way back to Joanne. I reached out and put my arms around her as she choked out these words, "I've never let myself cry since I lost my little boy six years ago. He was only ten months old when he died. After all these years I'm still angry at God."

Joanne gazed into my eyes and said, "When you spoke tonight, Jan, I realized I'd never fully faced Timmy's death. I've never let myself grieve completely. Everyone told me I should count my blessings since I still had two healthy children. Two months after Timmy's death, my friends said it was time to cheer up and get on with my life."

Like many of us, Joanne decided to put on a mask to cover the intensity of her pain.

When Beth, a strikingly beautiful pastor's wife, approached me for counseling at a women's brunch, I wondered what could be wrong. As we sat on a step beneath the platform her story unfolded. She was a victim of molestation as a child and had an abortion as a teenager. Only recently she had learned her husband was having an affair with one of her friends. Tears welled up in Beth's eyes as she asked, "What do I do? I'm so hurt. My husband has admitted his affair. He's told me we have to forget about it and go on for the sake of his ministry." Beth trembled slightly, then added, "He's refused to answer any of my questions because he says forgiveness means not being concerned about the details. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and I can't get over some of the feelings I'm having. Jan, what you said today made sense. I know I need to go through this healing process if I am going to be free."

Like many of us, Beth assumed forgiveness means covering the pain and pretending it do can't exist.

Last week my phone rang while I was preparing dinner. "Jan?" came the troubled voice on the other end. "This is Charlotte. I'm going to kill myself if I don't get some answers."

I whispered a quick prayer for guidance and asked, "Charlotte, what happened?"

"I don't know what to think anymore," she answered. "I went to my pastor for counseling today. His first question to me was, 'Why haven't you been in church?' I explained to him that I'm having trouble relating to God because of my past, but that I'm currently in therapy trying to work things out. He cut me off, saying, 'You don't need therapy. Just start being obedient and get your life right with God.'"

As I listened to Charlotte, her voice became more desperate. "Jan, when I tried to explain to my pastor that being molested as a child had taken a toll on my life and marriage, he immediately corrected me. He said the problem was my rebelliousness and that I just needed to be submissive to my abusive ex-husband and to quit going to therapy for the answers that only God could give."

Charlotte paused then blurted, "Jan, I was so shook up after the session, I called a friend from church who had been my confidante in the past. When I told her what the pastor said, she fully supported him. She added, 'If you don't get your life in shape, Charlotte, God told me He's going to take away your little girl and your house and you'll live alone the rest of your life.' She ended by saying, 'God is your only hope, so you'd better straighten up.'"

Sobbing, she continued, "Jan, if that's really who God is, then I might as well kill myself."

Like many of us, Charlotte 'd view of God had been distorted by her experienced in life.

My own parents divorced when I was five years old. When I was eight, Mother remarried. My stepfather was a Christian man who attended church regularly. At the age often I went forward in an evening church service and asked Christ into my life as my personal Savior. Three weeks later my stepfather molested me.

Incest! The word is ugly. The act is devastating.

Years passed. I married a wonderful Christian man and two years into our marriage our first little girl was born. In the days that followed, the harder I tried to care for our vulnerable, colicky baby, the more desperate and out-of-control I became. That desperation triggered the memory of the helplessness that I felt as a ten-year-old. My past began to haunt me. Migraine headaches and nightmares became frequent. I struggled with intense, explosive anger. I was depressed, critical with my husband and I felt undeserving of God's love. I had prayed for years that God would help me forgive my stepfather so that I could go on with my life. I thought that was all there was to it. But I was wrong.

The Holy Spirit showed me that I needed to go through a healing process. The rest of this book details that ten-step process.

Throughout the book I have attempted to balance real-life experiences, biblical principles and current factual literature. I have focused on the incest victim, not only because of my personal experience, but because I am convinced after counseling thousands of persons that sexual victimization in childhood is pandemic. "Statistics indicate that thirty-four million women in the United States are victims of child sexual abuse. It is estimated that a child is molested every two minutes." A recent Los Angeles Times poll showed that nearly one out of every four people in the United States has been molested as a child; and that for every victim known, nine are hidden.

As I've shared my ten-step FREE TO CARE recovery plan nationwide, I've found that it applies to any emotional wound we may have suffered. This is not a simplistic plan that can be carried out in a matter of weeks. Nor is it a magical formula that can be instantly and impulsively undertaken, but rather, it is a pathway toward the resolution of past hurts. Those who utilize these steps should be committed to prayer and to allowing the Holy Spirit to provide direction and wisdom. These steps give direction and they put us in a position to be healed, but the Holy Spirit completes the work. The Scripture says the Holy Spirit's work in our lives is to lead us into all truth. Psalm 51:6 says: "Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom."

I believe emotional recovery occurs over a period of time. It's not that the Lord doesn't have the ability to heal us instantly. He does. I have found, however, that He often uses a process of time for our instruction and renewing, It is similar to our coming to know Christ. Although we are instantly new creatures in Him, we are in the process of being "conformed to the image of his Son" (Rom. 8:29) throughout our lives.

The ten steps to recovery helped Joanne face the loss of her baby boy and freed her to grieve. These steps showed Beth that she needed to be honest about her feelings regarding her husband's unfaithfulness. She needed to work through her pain in order to be free. The FREE TO CARE steps have encouraged Charlotte to go on living. Today her relationship with God is free from scars and distortions.

I, too, am free today. I am no longer held captive by the pain of my past. The Lord has taken the desolation of my life and caused it to bear fruit. He is the only one who can do that.

Many of you may be asking, "Why is it necessary for us to look into our past? Shouldn't we just forget those things and go on with life?

If we could genuinely forget, there would be no need to look back. But for many of us the pain of our past still creeps into our daily lives. Pain not adequately dealt with or worked through warps our ability to live in the freedom God has for us in Christ.

I have shared many personal experiences of my own healing in hopes that those who are still bound by their past will be encouraged to pursue recovery. My burden for those who are hurting is summed up in the beautiful promise in Isaiah 58:12(KJV): "And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in" (italics mine).

This verse helped me understand the needs I had had and the needs of others who are hurting. It identifies specific goals to use when trying to help them. First, we should raise the wounded up. Second, we need to help them repair their broken and shattered lives. Third, we need to restore them to a healthy path. As I looked at these words in the Hebrew, I was fascinated by the depth of their meaning.

Raise Up

The Hebrew word pronounced koom means "to help to lift up, establish, strengthen, confirm, or authenticate." How many of us are raising up the ones who are hurting? Too many times Christians condemn others or hold them down by saying, "A spiritual Christian should not feel angry." We respond to the wounded with shock and rejection when they need to be strengthened and re-established in their relationship with God. Too often, we fail to understand that the hurts of their past are blocking a vital fellowship with God. Their wounds must be dealt with in order for them to be raised up!

Repair

The Hebrew word for repair is pronounced gawder, and is a descriptive word meaning "to walk in or around, to close up, hedge or enclose." I immediately think of the emotionally wounded who need to sense a hedge about them and to be sheltered or nurtured within a protective environment. One of the first things we are advised to do to treat a wound is to clean it thoroughly and then cover it with a protective cloth to ward off infection.

What an example for emotional wounds! Hurts must be cleansed and provided with a protective, supportive environment where they can begin to heal. Christians can provide that kind of environment for those who are hurting, for the thousands who need to be repaired!

Restore

The final step is the Hebrew word pronounced shoob. It means "to rescue, recover, retrieve, to bring back home again or cause to make to return." Many who have been hurt are in need of restoration. They need to be brought home again, but many times their wounds keep them bound, immobilized. Restoration means to bring them to the one who is able to restore them and heal them from the inside out. The wounded need to be restored!

As you read the rest of this book, I encourage you to consider your needs carefully and make yourself available to the Holy Spirit for His restorative work. Daniel 2:22 says: "He reveals the deep and secret things; He knows what is in the darkness and the light dwells with Him!" (Amplified Version). Ask for His enlightenment to penetrate the dark areas of your hurt. It is only through this exposure that you can truly begin to face what has happened in your past and move on through the healing process.

Will you allow the Holy Spirit to begin to expose those troubled areas in your life? Will you allow His light to heal those hurts? Will you let Him set you free?

Chapter Two

The he first step to recovery is to face the problem—the infected wound that hasn't healed. Susan is forty-two years old. She is married and has two teenage children. Her husband is in Christian work and is dedicated to his family. They have been getting marriage counseling off and on for several years. Susan shares that the focal point of their problems seems to be their sexual relationship. Her husband is growing weary because counseling has done little to help Susan get over her hang-ups.

Thirty-two-year-old Carla has been divorced three times. Carla confesses that she always seems to attract men who end up abusing her emotionally or physically. She has determined to get her life in order, but repeatedly finds herself involved in poor relationships.

Diane, twenty-nine and single, is grossly overweight. She is depressed and has tried every diet on the market. She is contemplating having her jaws wired but realizes she really doesn't want to control her eating habits.

Mary, a devoted mother and wife, spends time reading her Bible and praying, but she feels God isn't listening. Mary has counseled with her pastor but is still struggling in her Christian walk.

What, if anything, do these women have in common? If they come to you for counseling, what would you tell them? Do you identify with any of their struggles?

These women are real people who came to me with their problems. You may know others like them. You may even be one of them. What you do not know is that each of these women is a victim of incest. Incest is defined as any sexual contact between people who are, or perceive themselves to be, related. Sexual abuse occurs outside the family constellation. These women are manifesting the symptoms that plague many sexual abuse victims. But, like most victims, they are unaware that their present problem has anything to do with their past, that it is the result of a deeper, more complex condition known as the "root problem."

The Root-Bound Plant

Picture a lovely green philodendron, a houseplant which must be repotted periodically to prevent its becoming root-bound. Since this condition exists below the surface, a root-bound plant can be in that state for quite some time before anyone notices anything wrong. After a while, however, the plant's leaves turn brown, the soil hardens, and the plant begins to smell rotten. The leaves eventually drop off and the once rich green plant shows signs of a problem. Many well-intentioned plant lovers might tell you, "Oh, just keep watering your philodendron. Give it some sun, change its location, talk to it, pray for it or read it some Bible verses. It will come back to life in no time and the symptoms will disappear."

The well-informed gardener, however, will tell you something different. He will tell you it needs to be in a larger pot, but he will caution against just digging it up. Further steps—examining the plant, breaking apart its roots and giving it new soil—are essential in the process of restoring the plant. This process is a "painful" experience for a plant and often it may temporarily go into "shock." However, the end result, after some time of nurturing and caring, will be a healthy, thriving green philodendron that is lovelier than ever before. Should you elect to ignore the plant's earlier condition, it will eventually die.

If you are a sexual abuse victim, you are much like the root-bound plant. You may go on for years without any visible symptoms, but eventually surface problems will appear. Often these are visible as depression, anger, marital difficulties, migraines, anxiety, eating disorders, or feeling distant from God. The tendency of well-meaning Christians is to treat the surface symptoms, but that is like trimming up the root-bound plant to make it attractive on the outside. This fails to deal with the real problem. In the meantime, the surface symptoms will reappear, often with greater seriousness than before. In his book Healing of Memories, David Seamands writes, "When painful memories have not been faced, healed and integrated into life, they often break through defenses and interfere with normal living."

If you are a victim, it may be necessary for you to dig up the past events and, along with a qualified therapist or support person(s), begin to examine the past, dissect it, break it apart, and carefully work through what has happened. This is what I call facing the problem. Just as with the plant, it is often a painful process. In time, with the support and caring of others, you will begin to show new signs of life. You'll be free from the root-bound condition that has held you captive for years and you can begin to experience a fuller, healthier life.

Three Typed of Victims

In working with victims, I have found them to be in three basic categories: repressed, suppressed and oppressed.

1. The Repressed Victim. First, there is the woman who is unaware that anything of an incestuous/abusive nature ever happened. She has blocked the memory due to the intense trauma she experienced as a child. She often exhibits the same symptoms as women who have not blocked the memory. Usually she will be depressed; often, she is suicidal. Many times she is physically racked with inexplicable pain. There is little hope for this type of victim until she becomes aware of the underlying causes of her depression and other symptoms.

While speaking at a church in central California, I became acquainted with Kay. Kay suffered from severe depression, lapses of memory from childhood, and physical ailments which seemed to have no known origin. I encouraged her to seek counseling to help her explore the depression and the years that were absent from her memory. She sought counseling at my suggestion. Through intense therapy she discovered she had, indeed, blocked the memories of a series of incestuous acts instigated by her father as early as when she was three. Through therapy and the support of other victims, she is working through the crisis and has made a great deal of progress.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from DOOR OF HOPEby JAN FRANK Copyright © 1995 by Jan Frank. Excerpted by permission of THOMAS NELSON. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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