>> Eight Common Issues <<

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In this book, I break down the divorce process into eight common fear-inducing issues and provide a variety of physical and metaphysical actions and strategies to overcome each one. In my experience, the way you deal with an issue from the beginning helps tremendously to affect the final outcome. My first piece of advice is not to shrink from confronting each issue head-on. Face each problem from the outset, with confidence that you will ultimately steer through it and all will be well.

Deciding to divorce is usually one of the most excruciating decisions a person will ever make. Whether you have been married to this person for two years or twenty years, separation and divorce often feels like a personal failure. You got married to someone who now seems a most inappropriate match for you. It shakes your self-confidence because it makes you wonder whether you have a fundamental character flaw that caused you to make such a big mistake in judgment in the first place. Or maybe your spouse had some bad habits that you overlooked at first because you were in love, but now you wondered what you were thinking to have not seen the difficulty that was to come. Perhaps you've fallen in love with someone else. This commonly happens when a person has already had some reasonably serious doubts about the marriage working out in the long-term. No matter what precipitates the decision, usually there have been profound moments and possibly prolonged periods of sadness prior to your consideration of the idea.

There are several stages of self-examination that naturally occur. At first, when you consider the option of divorce, it may feel exhilarating and freeing, especially if you have remained in the unhappy relationship for a long while. This is usually a short-lived feeling as the stark reality of the emotional turmoil to come begins to sink in.

The second thing that may occur is self-blame. You could feel guilty for making that significantly bad choice in the first place. You may feel that it is you who has changed and grown away from the union. You might feel that you allowed some weakness in your own character to destroy the relationship. Depending on the reaction of your spouse when you discuss divorce, this guilt could be made extremely intense. You may encounter anger, hysterics, or any range of emotional reactions that will exacerbate a counter reaction inside of you.

The third stage can be an overwhelming feeling of doubt. Have you really considered all other options? You may question whether you really have to go through this divorce to feel happy and fulfilled. This is natural when taking such a big step that will change your life, and the lives of others. Take the time to re-consider. It's worth it. But if the answer to the question of whether or not to divorce is still "yes", it's time to act.

If you are the recipient of the "I want a divorce" news, you may immediately feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. It may be sudden and unexpected. You may have no idea how to feel. You could go through a wide gamut of emotions before all is said and done. An assertive person may undertake a campaign to attempt to win back or coerce the spouse to change his or her mind. Some people will convince themselves that it's a passing phase because of some recent difficulties. Some of you have already felt a disconnection in your relationship and it makes sense — but that is the rare case. Usually, people will feel helpless, angry, wounded, victimized, or all of the above. You may even go into denial for a while because you are not yet willing to feel the intensity of these emotions.

Regardless of the route there, there will also be a sense of profound sadness. Depression may set in and leave you paralyzed with grief. You may want to analyze your recent behavior, your spouse's recent behavior, or both. As with the spouse who wants the divorce, you may start to feel guilty for some behavior. You may want to assign guilt to your spouse and be the victim. Yes, self-assessment and assessment of the marriage will be necessary to heal.

Be careful to avoid either playing the victim or assuming 100 percent of the blame. Be honest! Try to move into a healing place. Your spouse has probably felt all of these same emotions. He or she just experienced them earlier than you did.

After running the gamut of initial reactions and emotions, what we are left with, plainly and simply, is fear — fear of moving from a comfortable person and routine into the unknown. There are three tangible and practical steps that you can take right away to reduce your initial anxieties.

The first thing you must do is take care of yourself. Find a support group, spiritual counselor, therapist, or coach. At the very least, confide in good friends. Read self-care books. Your own mental and emotional health is of utmost importance in going through the divorce process.

Next, you need to become intimately familiar with your own financial situation. If there is any aspect of the finances of your marriage and family that are unknown to you, become knowledgeable quickly. Gather all personal financial, insurance, employment, and asset documents, files, and records that you have accumulated throughout your adult life, as well as during the marriage, and put them in a safe place. Whether you are initiating the divorce, suspect your spouse is planning one, or have just been informed of a divorce intention, knowing where all the money is, how much there is, and your personal asset history are paramount to your financial well-being. On the spiritual side of this preparation, be thankful and bless the financial situation you are in — whatever that may be. Your marriage may be on the rocks, but your financial journey through a divorce can be protected and stable if your attitude is one of gratitude and trust in your Source.

The third and absolutely crucial action to take on the practical side is to do your research well and find the best, most experienced, and most reputable divorce attorney you can. Get references. If finances are an issue, know that there are many divorce attorneys who will work out some kind of financial plan for your payments so that you can receive good representation. Do not, under any circumstances, look for or hire the super-aggressive attorney who makes promises that seem attack-oriented or underhanded in any way. Ultimately, this will reflect on your own character in the courtroom and will not serve you. Find someone who feels right and is competent. This person will play a huge role in your life throughout your divorce and may sometimes be the only helpful person who you can talk to if you go into panic mode. Choose wisely!

Beyond these initial steps, you will begin and proceed through this divorce journey with a great deal more confidence and peace if you are equipped with a better understanding of the type of fear — and sometimes the hidden fear — that can accompany each step of the way. I have identified eight fears that are almost universally experienced during the divorce process. These fears, if left unattended, can cause tremendous, unintended additional hardship for yourself, your spouse, and your children.

Divorce fears can be triggered by a number of sources: your spouse's behavior, your children's emotional state, your friends' attitudes, legal motions and other intimidating documents being filed, financial difficulties, profound schedule and/or environmental changes. The triggers have one basic thing in common — they represent a threat to the status quo. You are required to travel into the unknown — to tweak, adjust, change, or re-invent your life and the lives of your children. Each of the next eight chapters will provide both practical and spiritual tools to address and reduce or eliminate these fears.

Fear Number One: Financial Loss. It may be that a few of you are financially independent — perhaps your spouse as well. You may have a prenuptial agreement and this phase of your divorce is already worked out. Good for you! It may happen that a few of you have next to nothing in assets or income and the same is true for your spouse. Again, good for you! Both of these circumstances make divorce easier. But, if you and your spouse are like the majority of couples, you are not rich or poor and one of you makes more money than the other. Regardless of your circumstances, you may be afraid that the divorce will cost too much money or that your spouse will attempt to take away or withhold too much from you. Financial security is uppermost in the minds of many people. It gives one a sense of freedom or a sense of imprisonment, depending on how much you have versus how much you feel you need. We all have the desire to feel freedom in the area of our finances, and the fact is that divorce is expensive in many ways. The Divorce Guide will address practical and spiritual solutions to avoid financial distress and mistakes in the divorce process.

Fear Number Two: Children's Distress/Loss of Closeness. You will not be able to predict the effect that divorce will have on your children. They are individuals and most have never had to deal with this kind of trauma. They may be quietly horrified or openly angry. Depending on their age, they may be very sad and exhibit some depression. They will often be confused and ask a lot of questions. Sometimes, they may exhibit no emotions at all, especially if there has been obvious tension in the marriage for a while, and then they may act out at home or in school. In many cases, a child will immediately take sides — usually with the parent that he or she perceives to be innocent, or the passive one in the divorce action. The children have counted on their family unit for their security and everything solid that comprises their world. All but the very young will be shaken and will need more love and guidance than ever before. This can be a big challenge in the wake of the initial divorce announcement. Divorcing parents will wonder if their relationships with their children will change or suffer some rift. These issues are complex and frightening, but there are definite methods for relieving those fears that are offered in chapter 3.

Fear Number Three: Loneliness. For some people, having a spouse or a significant other is priority number one. They are unused to living alone and are frightened by the thought. This is one reason why many unhappy marriages linger on. No one wants to journey through this life alone. The question you may want to ask yourself is: "Was I truly more content to remain in an unhappy marriage rather than function alone?" Well, the first thing I want to say to you is that, of course, you are never alone. Your true partner, God — or whatever you call your Spiritual Source — is with you always, every minute, every second, above, below, beside you and — with your faith — will never fail you. I personally find that much more comforting than relying on a human being to be there when you need one. That being said, loneliness exists and it is a universally human experience. Some people are dependent on their spouse for their personal identity, their financial security, their emotional stability, or their perception of their status in their community or family. Perhaps you perceived your spouse as your best friend and advisor. Whatever the reason for it, loneliness can creep into your world as you go through a divorce and become a source of depression or an excuse to stay stuck in the past. Chapter 4 will guide you through a series of practical and spiritual steps to show you how to embrace your new individual freedom and alleviate lonely feelings.

Fear Number Four: Loss of Physical, Mental, Emotional Health. Separation is traumatic. Divorce itself, and the legal system surrounding it, can induce stress in a person in a variety of ways. You may have difficulty letting go and climbing out of the initial sadness and depression of losing your relationship. You may be tempted to stop taking good care of your body as your attention becomes focused on the next legal filing. You may be succumbing to the pressure of veiled threats or mind games that the opposition is generating in an attempt to compel you to give in to particular demands. Your children may be having severe reactions to the divorce and you are feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of having to help them stay focused in school, constantly supporting them and reassuring them that it will all be OK. You may be experiencing financial troubles as well. You pick up the phone to call your best friend and he or she isn't available. You feel alone. Divorcing can become a tremendous pressure-cooker. Sometimes the temptation to stay in bed, pull the covers over your head and zone out is intense. You may want to eat a hot-fudge sundae every night or have an extra cocktail or even be tempted by that thought of, "well, a couple of anxiety pills will do it." De-stressing is a key factor in the ability to survive and thrive through a divorce and this is addressed in chapter 5.

Fear Number Five: Routine/Schedule Changes. You may not really think about this as a fear, but your subconscious mind does. When you separate from your spouse, especially if you have kids, there is a tremendous change in routine. If you have children, you will now deal with the visitation schedule. If you were dependent on your spouse for transportation to work or other places, you will now need to find your own way. You will have to work out who will get the kids to and from school and other activities. The logistics of everyday life will have to be analyzed in detail to make sure everyone has a practical alternative to do what he or she needs to do and get where he or she needs to be. You may even find yourself in the situation where your spouse wants nothing to do with, or is unable to help out at all in these practical matters. To whatever degree, your routine will change and you will need to adjust. Our bodies and minds rebel against these changes, as we are creatures of habit. You will find yourself experiencing some level of anxiety as you discover the extent of daily schedule changes that are taking place now and will be needed in the future. You may sometimes even have a last-minute realization as holidays and vacation days approach. Rest assured, there are solutions offered in chapter 6.

Fear Number Six: Legal Action. A legal document, in almost any form, makes most people uncomfortable. Legal separation and divorce documents are no exception. The language is imperious and intimidating. You may not even understand everything you're reading in a legal document, which makes it even more intimidating. If you are in a contentious divorce, you may be the recipient of numerous legal documents including attorney's letters, filings, summonses, motions, counter-motions, subpoenas, and probing information requirements. Legal language in the divorce arena allows for extraordinary drama and exaggeration. Whatever issues are contested turn into a battle on paper — paper that becomes an official record with the court. This can be incredibly frightening. There may be unreasonable and/or unfounded accusations that will make you feel victimized. In the long run, you can weather these tempests if you make effective use of the simple, practical actions and spiritual measures laid out in chapter 7.

Fear Number Seven: Loss of Friends. This issue may be the most surprising of all the difficulties associated with the divorce process, and can possibly cause the most distress. You will be the recipient of a number of different reactions from your friends when they hear the divorce news. Most will be sympathetic to varying degrees. You may find, however, that some of your friends have been discreetly harboring a loyalty preference to your spouse that now becomes more obvious. You may find that some of your friends relate to you as a married person and shy away from you as a single. Some of these friends, and even sometimes your own relatives, will hurt your feelings by taking sides with your spouse. This is at first quite painful, but can be a fearful prospect in the bigger picture. Loss of even one friend during this difficult time in your life causes you to feel even more alone — the aspect of this issue that is most frightening of all. There is an upside to this that will ultimately bring you more joy and freedom than you have experienced in your friendships previously. Read on to discover your path to this freedom in chapter 8.