First day of evidence

10 MARCH 2016

'Please state your name for the record.'

Don't be coy, Fergus. You've known me since I was yay high. I beg your pardon? Oh. It's like that, is it? I see. Very well. As you wish. This is going to take longer than expected, but then, you lot are running on a pricey meter. Two and a half grand a day, I hear. Well, Fergus – I mean Justice O'Reilly – my name, for the record, is Tristram St Lawrence. Tristram Amory St Lawrence, the thirteenth Earl of Howth, Binn Eadair, hill of sweetness. I was – I am – the only son your old pal, the twelfth Earl of Howth, managed to sire, and not from lack of trying. People have been saying a lot of bad things about me in the press. I am here to say a few more.

What brought me back to Ireland? Good question. An act of God, or maybe the other fella. That was back in 2006. I had not set foot on this green isle for twelve years. I agree, Fergus: it is a long time in the lifespan of a comparatively young man, particularly one with such ties to the locality. Personal reasons kept me away. Personal, personal, unspeakably personal. This is neither the time nor the place.

I was en route from a conference in Birmingham to one in Florida. That is how I used to spend my life, travelling from one point on the globe to another, keeping my nose clean. As you are probably aware, I am by profession an interpreter. I was engaged in that capacity by large international institutions such as the IMF, the EU and the ECB. The Troika. I do all the major European languages.

No, I cannot tell you what the Birmingham conference was about and not because the subject matter was commercially sensitive, but since I am unable to recall a word of what has been said once the sessions are called to a close, such is the level of concentration translation demands of me. The interpreter is the medium through which other people's thoughts and arguments pass. The key is not to engage with those thoughts and arguments. If you allow them to capture your curiosity for even a fraction of a second, you will lose the next sentence. And then you're in trouble. The whole thing backs up. One must hollow oneself out. One must make of oneself the perfect conduit. This is a trick I have mastered.

It used to drive Hickey mental when M. Deauville and I conversed in what he called foreign – it was second nature to me to respond to M. Deauville in his language du jour, which depended on what part of the world he was calling from, for he travelled constantly too. Hickey thought I was concealing something from him and generally I was, just as generally he was concealing something from me. In short, I was recognised as the best at what I do, and had I spent the rest of my life on the international conference circuit, I would not be before you giving evidence today. They said my gift was uncanny. That was the word my clients used in their various mother tongues. Étrange, unheimlich, uncanny. Sometimes I thought they intended it as a compliment, but other times I wasn't so sure.

M. Deauville? No, he wasn't my employer, as such. And no, I wouldn't describe him as a colleague either. He was more what you'd call a consultant. And we all know who Hickey is.

The plane was not long in the sky after take-off from Birmingham. The cabin crew had commenced their in-flight service, that is to say, an air hostess was reversing a leaden trolley down the aisle. 'A drink, sir?' she enquired when she reached me.

I smiled sadly. 'No, thanks. I'll have a cup of tea, please.' I released the catch of my tray table and lowered it into position.

I was sitting in the window seat. The flight was full. A mother and son occupied the two seats next to me, the mother in the middle seat and the boy on the aisle. He kicked the back of the chair in front of him as he played his computer game, just as someone was kicking the back of mine. The stewardess leaned across to pass me tea in a plastic cup. I added two capsules of hydrogenated milk and looked at it. The water hadn't been boiled. There are moments when I lose heart in the whole endeavour. That was one of them. Strapped into a bucking chair for the next seven hours, contemplating that cup of grey tea. A limescale scum was forming on the surface. I put the cup down and set my watch to Eastern Standard Time.

Then the tea blew up. It erupted out of the cup into my face. A scream of fright from the other passengers – the plane had taken a hit.

I gripped both armrests. The impact was followed by a blast of freezing air. I turned to glimpse a fracture in the plastic casing of the ceiling. A shard of metal had punctured the cabin. The gash was spurting electrical cables and frills of silver foil.

The plane began to shake violently. Several of the overhead bins sprang open, disgorging cabin luggage onto the aisle. The oxygen masks dropped, a dangling yellow crop of them, swinging and jerking in synchronisation. Hands reached up to pluck them like fruit, so I plucked mine and strapped it onto my face. Through the window, I saw that the engine was on fire. The pain in my ears was excruciating.

The plane entered a nose dive, juddering with such force that I thought our seats would come unbolted. It kicked to the side and the drinks trolley went lunging in the direction of the cockpit. The stewardess went lunging after it, swinging from headrest to headrest to keep herself upright. Beneath the flaming engine, the lights of a city had appeared in the darkness.

The captain said something on the intercom but we couldn't hear him over the noise. I pulled my mobile phone out of my pocket. It was switched off and I couldn't remember which button switched it on. I literally could not begin to make sense of the digits. The city beneath us was rapidly approaching. I made out the grid of roads. This is it, I thought. To hell with it. I peeled the rubber mask off my face and released the seat belt. I squeezed past the mother and son and went lurching down the aisle, tripping over the fallen hand luggage.

'Get into your seat, sir!' a stewardess shouted at me when I made it to the front. 'Get back into your seat immediately, sir!' Then the cabin lights went out.

I followed the emergency strip lighting and located the trolley. It had been locked down. The first drawer was crammed with miniature cans of soft drinks. I had to shove it shut to get at the contents of the next one down. 'Sir, get into your seat,' the flight attendant shouted from the jump seat. 'We are preparing for an emergency landing. Get into your motherfucking seat now.' It was an American carrier.

The nose of the plane lifted. We were horizontal once more. 'Brace for impact,' the captain shouted, loud enough that we could hear him this time. The third drawer down contained the hard stuff, tiny bottles of spirits, a casket of priceless jewels. I grabbed an amber one. My hands were shaking so hard that I could barely break the foil seal.

The collision with the ground catapulted me clear of the trolley. The groan of brakes was catastrophically loud and then the thrust reversers kicked in. It seemed the earth itself was grinding to a halt, such was the force of the resistance. The cells in my blood vibrated, the teeth chattered in my head.

The plane finally came to rest. Somebody applauded but no one joined in. The bottle of precious amber had shot out of my sweaty palm. I rolled onto my belly and groped around on the floor but in my heart I knew it was already too late.

'Leave the aircraft, leave the aircraft,' the captain was chanting.

We were evacuated via emergency slides. A fleet of fire trucks had assembled on the runway to hose down the burning engine. Firemen hoisted us off the base of the slide and sent us reeling towards the flashing lights and coaches waiting beyond. 'Keep moving, keep moving,' they ordered us as we were hustled along. A sign over the terminal building shone yellow in the distance. Dublin Airport, it said.

'Are you hurt?' M. Deauville wanted to know as soon as I got the phone up and running. It rang literally the instant it located a network. He must have had my number on redial. I could barely hold the phone to my ear with the shake in my hand. Our emergency landing had made it onto the news – the television screens in the terminal were broadcasting images of the flaming aircraft. They said it was an emergency landing but it felt like a crash. Journalists were interviewing passengers behind me. 'No,' I assured M. Deauville, 'I amn't hurt, but I ...'

'Yes?'

I thought about the amber bottle. I couldn't stop thinking about the amber bottle. The cool heft of it in my hand, the tiny pocket of sanctuary it promised. If I could just squeeze myself into the amber bottle and screw the lid back on, seal myself off. 'I think I'm in shock,' I told M. Deauville, 'but it's nothing physical.' Actually, I'd broken a rib and deserved as much. There was no need to fuss.

Several passengers were taken to hospital with minor injuries and the rest of us were transferred to an airport hotel. It was a miracle, people remarked to each other over and over on the coach; a flock of worried sheep. A miracle, an absolute miracle, they bleated, until soon I was bleating it myself. Then I was on my own again, separated from the herd. The elevator bell dinged and I limped out onto a hushed hotel corridor hugging my aching side. I stared at the arrows on the wall. Bedrooms 600 to 621 were this way, and bedrooms 622 to 666 were that. I read the number on my key but for the life of me, I did not know which way to turn.

'Mr St Lawrence, you claim your stopover in Dublin was unscheduled, yet the next day you attended a business meeting in the airport Hilton with the property developer Desmond Hickey?'

It is true that I ran into Desmond Hickey the following day in the Darndale Hilton, as he asserts, but to call it a meeting is to grossly overstate the occasion. It was a wholly chance encounter. I came down late the following afternoon to enquire after the whereabouts of my luggage when this total stranger accosted me.

'I thought you were dead,' he said.

I didn't recognise him, but then, how would I? He could have been anyone under that balaclava of facial hair. 'None of the passengers were seriously injured,' I assured him.

'Wha?'

'I know. Absolute miracle.'

'You were on that plane last night? The one that shat itself?'

'Ahm.' I checked my watch. 'Why else would I be dead?'

The receptionist put down her phone. 'I'm sorry, Mr St Lawrence. The airline still hasn't located your luggage.'

'You are him,' said the hairy man.

'I see,' I said to the receptionist and thanked her.

'You're Tristram St Lawrence,' he said as if outing a thief.

'I'm sorry, can I help you?'

The man frowned. 'But you're dead?'

'That was another Tristram St Lawrence.'

He looked at me askance. How could there be two of us? Two men with a name as uncommon as that? 'Another Tristram St Lawrence,' he repeated dubiously, unconvinced by this explanation of a death-evading trick.

'I don't quite seem to have caught your name, Mr ...?'

He winked. 'Ah, you know me.' I looked at him blankly. He winked again. 'Ah, you do.'

I took out my phone and frowned at the screen. Force of habit. When in doubt, I consulted M. Deauville. No new calls. Even M. Deauville had to sleep, whatever time zone he was in. I replaced the phone in my pocket and returned my attention to the stocky man. 'I'm afraid I don't seem to —'

'Don't tell me you've forgotten your oul pal.'

'Well, I ...'

Then he laughed and it was the laugh that did it. Watching him laugh at me triggered a memory of him laughing at me many moons ago. It was the act of ridicule that I recognised, the utter freedom he felt in expressing it, and my utter powerlessness in having to listen to it. This man was never my oul pal.

He put his hands on his hips when he was finished. 'Are you seriously telling me, Tristram, that you don't recognise me? Because I sure as hell recognise you.'

'I remember you now. We were in primary school together.'

'That's it! You have me. The little school.' He thrust out his hand and gripped mine. 'Jaysus, your hands are freezing. Dessie Hickey.' Gick. Gicky Hickey. He looked fiercely into my eyes – we might have been making history. He had dispensed those same intense handshakes even back in the playground. Trying to be everything his unemployed father was not, I suppose, and who could blame him? 'You were me best customer before you, eh, disappeared ...'

I released his hand. 'I beg your pardon?'

'Ah, relax. I don't deal any more.'

'I have no idea what you're referring to.' I checked my phone. Nothing.

'Here, I'm on me way out to the hill. Come on out an celebrate.' He produced a set of car keys and tossed them up and down in the palm of his hand, a purse of gold with which to tempt me.

'Celebrate what?'

'That you're not dead.'

'I've to fly to the States tonight.'

'Tonight is ages away. What are you doing between now an then?' ' —'

'Too slow. I'll drive you to the airport meself. I'll show you the hill an then drop you off at Departures. Can't say fairer than that. There are a few people who'd love to see you. Come on.'

I looked at my watch and made a production of sighing to illustrate that the bargain he drove was a hard one, although the truth of it was that I had nothing better to do. I had lost my luggage and missed the Florida conference. 'Go on,' I said ruefully, as if acting against my better judgement, which I suppose I was, but I am a weak man. That is why I needed M. Deauville.

Hickey loaded me into his labourer's truck along with the rest of the junk he'd accumulated – Coke cans and crisp packets, chocolate wrappers and Lotto tickets, rolled-up Daily Stars. He cleared the passenger seat of debris with a swipe of his hand. I climbed in and looked over my shoulder through a filthy pane of glass. The truck's flatbed was stocked with tools – a spade, a ladder, a wheelbarrow, a variety of hammers and planks. A sack of grit slumped in the corner like a dozing drunk. I reached for my seat belt. Glued to the dashboard was a plastic figurine of St Christopher.

Hickey maintained a taxi-driver patter for the duration of the journey through the early evening traffic. Howaya getting on abroad, Tristram? You keeping well? An your da? How's your da? Desperate business about your ma, poor woman. Ah, we were all very sorry down the town to see her go. She was well liked, so she was. Thought we might see you at the funeral but they said you were too busy ...? Then a course we all heard you were dead. Must be some job to keep you away from your own ma's funeral ...? I heard you were high up in the world of international finance ...?

At this, I turned my head. 'Who told you that?'

Hickey smirked. 'A little bird.'

I rolled down the window to get some air. I hated little birds.

'Almost there,' he reassured me in case I hadn't been born in Howth. In case my father's father's father's father's, etc., hadn't been born in Howth. Who did he think I was? Some blow-in?

The truck ascended past ponied meadows and heathered slopes until the road crested and Dublin Bay appeared below, broad and smooth and greyish blue, patrolled by the Baily lighthouse. The whitethorn was in full blossom and the ferns were pushing through. Better to have been born somewhere dismal, I sometimes think. Better to have grown up shielded from striking natural beauty, to have never caught that glimpse of Paradise in the first place only to find yourself sentenced to spending the rest of your life pining for it, a tenderised hole right in the heart of you, a hole so big that it seems at times you're no more than the flesh defining it. I rolled the window up to seal the beauty out.

The road got steeper. I swallowed and my ears popped. He's taking me to the Summit Inn, I realised, and the fact of his taking me, of my being brought, a passenger in another man's car, lessened the degree of my culpability in the enterprise. I touched the mobile phone in my pocket. M. Deauville would not approve. But M. Deauville need not know.

'Here we are,' Hickey announced as the road levelled out. Here we certainly were. The picnic tables outside the pub were packed with sunglassed drinkers – bare-shouldered girls with ponytails and boys in rugby shirts. Silky spaniels and retrievers lay at their feet panting along with the jokes. A younger crowd had come up, but apart from that it was all the same, right down to the sparrows flitting for crumbs across the sun-baked flagstones, going about their business as if nothing had changed. And for a moment, nothing had. The sun and the sea, the harbour and the islands, the horses and the gorses, the beer and the fear of the beer. Not a precious thing had changed.