The Day I Died but Now Live!

AuthorHouse

Chapter One

Jesus answered and said to him most assuredly I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God! John 3:3

Have you been searching for something and unsure of what you're searching for? But deep down inside you know there must be an answer! The truth is we all search in different places and in different ways but there is one answer waiting for us. I once was searching. I mean I was looking high and low and didn't even know who or what I was searching for. All I knew was I wanted PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING ABOUT LIFE.

Do you know what I was looking for was there all the time? It was just waiting for me to ask Him for help. His name is JESUS! He knew one day I would get so lost trying to find Him that I would cry out for help. But I didn't know he would be right there to save me. I was so busy looking in all the wrong places. I couldn't hear Him knocking at the door to my heart. He said in REVELATIONS 2:20

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him and he with me."

I so was thirsty for the truth that I was spending all my time trying to figure things out. Funny thing is we all try to figure things out because we want to know and won't stop until we find it. But what happens is, while we're searching in places we think are right, we learn it's only a deception by our enemy to pull us further away from the truth. My eyes were opened once I found the truth. WOW! Life for me had shifted to a different scenario. I really saw how the enemy tried to keep me from the truth, knowing I would no longer be in bondage to him.

I know I am not by myself when it comes to searching in the wrong places. There were many mistakes I made. My mistakes might help you see the truth and hear that knock at your heart.

In our search for peace, love, happiness and joy we can mistake many temporary fixes such as relationships, sex, parties, drugs, and money as our answer! Well I can tell you none of these things are the answer to living a fulfilling life.

When it appears that we are alone in this world, we typically look for company. Some of us may run to the hottest club just to be around other people or even to meet somebody to take home. We might also go to have fun to get our minds off the loneliness by dancing and singing to get that temporary feeling of joy. But at the end of the night you are exhausted! Disgusted! And sometimes busted! Dizzy from drinking and drugging, disappointed if you didn't meet the right person.

You got nothing out of that just a hangover and some broke pockets because you spent your last dollars getting in, on a new outfit, hair done (which is all sweated out now) and buying drinks all night! You might come home with a phone number, maybe from somebody that is in worst shape than you. That doesn't sound like any fun. We are so desperate to find the answer that we go to extreme measures and actually believe we "like" doing these things. Just like drugs, we may feel good temporarily then eventually go into a slump still looking for answers.

All the good you think drugs do, it only makes everything much worst. You get depended on it and always going for it when you should go to JESUS! You think you're using the drugs but they are really using you. Look at what it does when you need some love, comfort, answers, and peace. What do you get for a response? What does it do for you? Deceive you by giving you that temporary numbness, lying to you making you think just for that moment that it's all right and telling you "Take some more of me it's going to be all right." Then what do we go and do? We spend more money on drugs that we don't have, wondering why we're upset in the first place. So, now that we see that these fixtures that appeared to be the answer are not. What do we do?

Well, let me tell you what I did! I went to the ultimate club called church! Now this was one club where I did not come out exhausted and disgusted. My answer was waiting for me at the door. Jesus was his name. I was kind of shaky at first because I had never seen anything in my life like this. A large room filled with people who were mostly my age having a good old time listening to this beautiful, mighty woman talking. I was curious. Right away I wanted to know what this woman was talking about that was so good that people were continually clapping their hands, stomping their feet and jumping for joy! I thought to myself I finally found the answer I have been looking for. These people have something I need right away.

To my surprise, the woman was talking about Jesus!! Everyone in the church seemed to have a relationship with Him. They knew I didn't know Him because I wouldn't have been able to sit there calm like that. So, they asked me if I wanted to meet him. I was so happy that I started crying tears of Joy! They told me he loves me unconditionally and all I have to do is ask him to forgive me of all my sins. He did! Then I heard the knock and I opened the door and let Him into my heart. I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior and he saved me. Jesus saved me from all that sin that kept me down and from that long journey of searching. Oh! There's more!

I eventually joined in on the party that was going on. This was the best time ever. I started clapping my hands, stomping my feet and jumping for joy. OH! We were just praising and worshiping Him for what he did for all of us especially for his unconditional love. But wait there was something else in store better than any drug I ever had. It's the HOLY GHOST! You talk about good! It was potent. I was so high! The best part about the holyghost is you can get it at any time just call Jesus! Once you try it I promise you're hooked.

What a night! I left out of church so blessed, free, peaceful, and joyful and I even took Jesus home with me. As I finally made it in my bedroom Jesus told me he would never leave or forsake me. This was the beginning of the best relationship I ever had. He reminded me that all things come from our father GOD up in heaven, which sent him, JESUS!

When he told me that he loves us so much that he was crucified and had died for our sins, so that we could have eternal life he said he would take care of me give me unconditional love, he would teach me, keep me happy and satisfied. He didn't want me to worry about anything and to let him handle all my troubles. I was so amazed. All I had to do was obey his commandments and listen to him. I had no problem with being obedient to him because I had been obedient to men before and they didn't offer me any of those things. This was just the beginning of a loving and genuine relationship. All I had to do was trust him, believe in him and be obedient to him. I decided I would do those things unto him just for the love alone, that he has for me and because I can never love him as much as he loves me. I would delight myself in him. The bible said in Psalms 37:4: "Delight yourself also in the Lord and HE shall give you the desires of your heart."

June 2000, one day after work, I got off on the wrong exit to come home. I don't how I missed my normal exit. I ended up in front of my girlfriend house from college in Harlem. We used to always get into deep conversations about God and religion in college. When I pulled up to her house she was outside ready to talk. I explained to her that I was not happy.

At that time, I was engaged to this young man I was living with and we had a pretty good relationship. I didn't understand why I wasn't happy because I always thought if I had a good man I would be set and good to go. I was wrong. My girlfriend started telling me in a roundabout way that I had a void in my life and that I needed JESUS.

She invited me to go to her church with her in Newark, New Jersey. I said reluctantly, "Okay I'll go".

I proclaimed to be a Muslim. Yes a Muslim. So for me to agree to attend church it had to be God. The next day, which was a Tuesday, she called me about 6 o'clock. I was too high to go to church! She understood and offered to go maybe next week.

One day during that week I got up early one morning and got on my knees and said to God, "I know you are real I just don't understand all these types of religions," I continued "Please guide me in the right direction I want to be right with you!"

After that prayer I felt so light and at peace. Yes, God had begun working in me. That next Tuesday my girlfriend called again around 5o'clock and said she was down stairs to pick me up for church. It was a miracle because I was not high. I felt like I had no choice but to go now. It was my time. When I got to this building in Newark I experienced what I shared with you earlier.

The pastor asked if anyone wanted to give their heart to JESUS. I was standing still but the devil was saying to me don't go out there, you're playing with God, you don't know what you're doing! I didn't know then that the devil was a liar so I continued to stand.

The pastor stood in the pulpit and said, "There are three people that need to give their heart to God.

She pointed at one man, then another and then I was the third. She looked deep into my eyes and said it's not about religion it's about a relationship! He heard and answered me. I knew this was God speaking to me and answering the prayer I had prayed. He was so real. I walked to the pulpit and gave my heart to Jesus! Instantly, the old ME died right there. I was never the same after that day. It wasn't easy getting to this point. This memoir tells of my story of the journey of getting to this place of letting self-die in order to really live!

Chapter Two

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations". Jeremiah 1:5

I don't remember anything in the womb but I do know that the devil was nervous and I was being strengthened to fight this fight. After only seven months, I entered into this world on September 27, 1972. Seven is the number for completion. I was ready for the world already because I came out feet first showing the devil he was under my feet. I was also kicking his butt! He tried his best to kill me, steal me from my mother and destroy me by breach childbirth. But everything the devil meant for evil, God turned it around for good. God definitely had his hands on me. He said he knew me before he formed me in that womb and he did. My father was the one who took care of me from the day of conception. There was nothing being done in the natural. Why did everything seem against me and I wasn't even born yet? My mother had not seen a doctor until it was time for me to break out. Yes I literally mean break out. I had to due to the drug doses that were entering into the womb.

God literally placed His loving and protecting hands upon me in the womb. He is the reason I made it through childbirth! While in my mother's womb I had to always fight battles. My mother had a disease called Drug Addiction meanwhile never had any prenatal care. It was that old nervous devil trying his best to let my battles destroy me but it was not good enough! No weapon formed against me shall prosper! When my mother returned home from the hospital everyone was surprised to see me. No one knew she was pregnant. So of course my family labeled me as a mistake. When I came home, my uncle's wife made me a little bed from one of the dressers draws. If a manger was good enough for Jesus then a dresser draw was fine for me. My brother and sister were eleven and twelve years old and there was still no father in sight. But I was no mistake. God doesn't make mistakes He formed me and sanctified me and had a purpose for my life. God definitely had a plan and a purpose.

At two months old we lived in a different apartment with my grandmother. My grandmother spent little time there. She lived at her job on the weekdays with a Jewish family doing domestic work. On the weekends she would bar hop. One of my grandmother's partners was our new landlady. They were pretty good friends so was my mother and the landlady's son. But they were partners in the street life. My mother and a man I considered my uncle were very close and into heroin. There was no romantic interest between them. Their friendship was almost like two best girlfriends even down to the urging and fighting. It got so out of hand that one day my mother busted him in the head with a hammer.

The police showed up soon after to arrest my mother. I'm not sure if thy came this time for what my mother had done recently or another illegal activity. The police was going to call the state agency to come and get my brother, sister and I. The landlady was the one who God touched to keep me for two years until my mother was released from prison. My grandmother came home on the weekends and helped financially with what little she had. Do you see how God kept me? Through it all I could have been in foster care all messed up somewhere. That landlady became my godmother because she was God sent to protect me. It wasn't easy for her but she did a good job and I thank God for her.

Chapter Three

"So banish grief and pain but, remember that youth, with a whole life before it, still faces the threat of meaninglessness" Ecc. 11:10

I can vaguely remember me at three years old. I remember the apartment we lived in and making mayonnaise sandwiches when I was hungry. There were times it wasn't even enough to make a mayo sandwich. My mother had been recently released from prison trying to make it on her own with her three children and new countryman. We stayed in that apartment for a short time and moved around the corner to a bigger apartment that my cousin accidentally set on fire one day while visiting. That's when we moved to the hotel.

The writing of this book is really taking me way back. I definitely remember living most of my childhood in this welfare hotel located downtown Paterson, New Jersey in the shopping area. My grandmother lived in room 408 for the longest. We moved around a couple of times throughout the hotel. It seemed pretty fun living there especially since it was next door to a movie theater.

The cop that worked as security would let my friend and I in every Saturday and we would watch every single movie before we went home. We enjoyed karate movies the most. We would come home kicking and swinging moon chucks like we were Bruce Lee or one of the kung Fu stars. I remember wearing Chinese slippers and carrying moon chucks and ready to go at it! Sometimes he would forget I was a girl. One time he even kicked me in my private part, which was really a reality check that I was not Mrs. Bruce Lee.

His name was E and I'll never forget him because we were all we had. There were not that many children living in the hotel. His mother did her thing and mine did hers. We were very young with lots of energy and we sure put it to use. We would sneak up on the roof of the hotel and drop down water balloons on people. E and I would go to this lady's room we called Crazy because she would yell and talk to herself. She always yelled, "Down, Down, Down, up down the elevator!" She would never close and lock her door. So when we got bored, we would snoop around in her room and mess it up a little. We knew that hotel inside out from the roof to the basement. We had a lot of freedom to just roam around and explore.

E and I went to different schools. I would walk by myself two blocks to city hall to catch the public bus to kindergarten. Every morning a little, sweet, faithful crossing guard would be waiting with her big smile to cross me across the street. I made it on time most of the time but I was hardly picked up on time. School ended at 2:35 and I would be there sometimes to 4 and 5 o'clock waiting for someone to remember to pick me up. The school security officer was always so patient and nice to me. I stayed in that school until third grade. It was one of the better schools in the neighborhood considering it was across from two sets of projects. The teachers I had were very nurturing and I learned a lot of things I wasn't learning at home. That's why my career is so important to me because God allows me to pour into so many young people lives the way my teachers poured into my life. I guess that's one of the reasons why I became a teacher. My first permanent teaching position was at that same school I attended as a kid. My kindergarten teacher whom I loved so much was still there along with a couple of other teachers who remembered me. One time I was on a one-day assignment at another school and bumped into my 2nd grade teacher. She was so proud she started gathering up other teachers to come see me, telling them I was her old student that was special to her because we shared the same first name.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Day I Died but Now Live!by Serenia Farrell Copyright © 2012 by Serenia Farrell. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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