Dating Our Money

AuthorHouse

Contents

Introduction..............................................................ix1. Let's Get Real ... NOW!................................................12. If It Looks too Good to Be True ... It Probably Is.....................113. Getting Rid of the Blame Game..........................................214. Take the Time..........................................................255. It is Good to Shop Around..............................................356. The Past Doesn't Lie...................................................457. Having the Tough Conversation..........................................558. Trust Your Gut.........................................................619. Confidence is Key......................................................6910. You Can Always Learn More.............................................7511. Don't Stop Believing..................................................83Valuable Questions From Readers...........................................89Accountability Calendar...................................................92

Chapter One

"If you do not find peace in yourself, you will never find it anywhere else." - Paula A. Bendry

Honesty. It is a hard thing to find both in the dating world and financial industry as we read in the news headlines. I promise in this book to be perfectly honest with you and share all my horrific dating stories and stupid money mistakes I have made in hopes of us learning many valuable lessons together. Now I need a commitment from you to value your time. Instead of going on another stupid date that is going to go nowhere, I want you to take the time to invest in YOU. Right now you need to stop and evaluate your life. What have you done well with money and men? What lessons could you learn before going into your next relationship so you enter one feeling confident and powerful?

Good or bad ... money is power. I may be wrong but I don't think anyone became Donald Trump's friend because of his winning personality. They wanted to learn and be around someone who is powerful and influential. Don't we all at times? No, I don't think your goal or mine in life is to be Donald Trump but I use this example to illustrate a point. We all need to recognize that money can be a valuable resource in helping us gain equality or power when we enter any relationship. Knowing how to manage your money and having financial peace will give you confidence. Women get abused in relationships and at work when they feel trapped and think there is no way out. The knowledge we gain together can protect you from this point forward. You can walk confidently knowing you are any man's equal. Don't let anyone abuse you – emotionally or physically. Either one is dangerous.

What is the number one trait that men find attractive in women? Confidence! This book is going to help you attract the right kind of people into your life. I will help you see the warning signs about who you don't want in your life. Don't worry. I have made plenty of mistakes myself. Ask my friends. They get to share my tears and laughter with each new dating saga and lesson learned.

Ok, now it is time to stop and take a tough look at ourselves. (It is ok to get up and look at your beautiful self in the mirror while you ask yourself these questions.)

A PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Where are you at this stage in life?

2. Have you reached your goals?

3. Are you in a good place financially and emotionally?

4. What would you like to change from this point forth?

Here are my answers to these questions to see if it helps give you some guidance:

1. Where are you at this stage in life?

I am a single parent who has finally learned how to be comfortable being alone and confident in speaking the truth. When my husband first passed on, it was so hard to go to functions by myself. I felt so self-conscious because everyone else was married but now I am ok. (Not that I wouldn't rather have the perfect date but I have quickly learned that no date is better than a BAD date!)

I adore being a mother but also fear what will happen as my boys grow older and less dependent on me. Right now, my whole life is centered around them and their activities while trying to juggle work.

2. Have you reached your goals?

Are you crazy? Of course not! Work is where I feel I fall short the most and it is hard for me because I want to give my all to everything. I know you have to pick different priorities at different stages of life and right now being a mom and family comes first. It still eats at me because I want to be successful with my career too. My mom always lectures me that, "You won't get these years back. Enjoy your time with the kids. It will be gone before you know it."

3. Are you in a good place emotionally and financially?

Depends what day and time of day you ask. Are my boys' body slamming each other and driving me crazy or cuddling with me and saying, "You are the best mom ever."

Overall I am grateful. I have a loving family and friends who have absolutely been there for me through the good and bad. I hope everyone reading this book has a strong support system because you will need it at some point in your life. If you are in a relationship that has isolated you from all your friends and family this is a huge red flag, please get out now. You can't go it alone and you will get resentful of your boyfriend or husband. It slowly grows over time. I promise I know. Been there, done that. It is a long, slow road back to restoring your friendships.

Financially, I feel blessed. I have been given much more than most single parents left in my circumstances. Statistics are frightening for widows. In a study from the US Administration of Aging entitled "Meeting the Needs of Older Women: A Diverse and Growing Population" almost three quarters of older persons with incomes below the poverty level are women. More than half of elderly widows now living in poverty were not poor before the death of their husbands. Facts show over and over again that women live longer than men and women outlive their savings. It is time to make a change! I still have the time to create more wealth for myself and hopefully you do to. This book will help you create an action plan designed to meet your specific needs.

4. What would you like to change from this point forth?

I would like to be able to eliminate my use of credit cards. Around a year ago, I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course. Some financial advisors cringe at his name but it was helpful. Using cash only and a strict budget eliminates compulsive spending. I felt a new confidence when I kept my spending in line with my budget. This fact may seem totally contrary. Often, we think a strict budget will make us feel restricted but it does the opposite. It gives you confidence and courage that you are gaining maturity. You won't overspend. You also gain a new peace by feeling in control. You are in charge of your money instead of your money and fears about your money governing you. Don't let debt imprison you. There is a way out.

So Now What?

You have some tough choices ahead. Mass Mutual designed a wonderful seminar called "Pearls of Wisdom." In that talk, one learns that 85% of women wait to do financial planning until a crisis occurs like death or divorce. Unfortunately, then it is often too late. After divorce or death, a woman's standard of living usually drops 23% while a man's standard of living actually goes up by 10%. That's a little frightening, isn't it? I guess his shoe budget drops substantially (LOL), but that is not a good enough reason for this discrepancy.

Women it is time to take charge! Whether you like it or not, 90% of women will be solely responsible for their finances at some point in their lives so we can't ignore money any longer. It can be a powerful source for good if we learn to use it wisely.

It is ok if you don't feel totally confident about your money yet. Do we still date even when we are not confident about what we are looking for or if this person is "the one"? Yes, of course. Through trial and error, we grow and learn. That is the same with managing your money. I don't expect you to have all the answers and I would not dare say I have all the answers to every person's individual story. What I can offer is a roadmap and pointers on what to beware of with "slick financial advisors" and the important aspects to consider when creating a financial plan.

When my husband passed on, I had to really quickly educate myself about money management and estate planning. First, we spent endless hours searching for my husband's will and never found it. (We will discuss further the importance of wills and trusts in the chapter "Having the Tough Conversation.") This huge problem could have been so easily avoided with communication. Renting a safe deposit box in a bank or buying a safe to hold important financial documents would have been an easy solution. This small step would have saved needless legal expenses and the money could have been used for other unexpected expenses like burial expenses.

Again, you may ask why there were legal expenses. Doesn't everything automatically go to the wife? Here is where a financial plan makes a difference. My husband never listed me as a beneficiary on his bank accounts. This may seem like a small detail when opening an account but at some point in life it could be very significant. My husband passed on in Arizona. It was over seven weeks before we got his death certificate. I could not touch any of his accounts without that legal document. If I had not had my own bank account, I would have been in serious trouble.

Let me just back up to say that my husband was not a stupid man. He was a lawyer and graduated from UNC Chapel Hill Law School. Over and over, I have heard that lawyers are often notorious for not writing their own wills and taking care of their estate. Many wives of lawyers have had their homes foreclosed and lost everything because their assets were stuck in probate. They had no bank account or credit card in their own name so they lost everything.

I tell my clients over and over again that creating a financial plan is the most loving thing you can do for your family. It will save so much heartache. The one thing I wish I could change about the past was my last conversation with my husband in person before he died. My husband and I had never discussed his final wishes. The people at hospice confronted me about my husband's last wishes. I was totally caught off guard. In our final conversation, I had to ask him horrible questions like "Do you want to be cremated? Do you want a service?" I wish I could tell my kids that their dad and I had this amazing final conversation where he told me to love and protect them and make sure they always reached their goals and made new ones but that wouldn't be the truth. If this book only touches one life and changes one final conversation for another family, I will feel I have accomplished my goal.

The most difficult experience of my husband's passing came only a few days later. I had paid the funeral home for my husband's final expenses and was calling them to go over the details of his ashes. He had requested to be cremated. His family, without asking me or offering to pay any of the expense, took his ashes and spread them without including me or my children. I can't imagine a more hurtful act. Again, this painful experience could have been avoided with a legal document stating where and how he would like his ashes distributed.

We get so busy in life rushing around that we put off doing wills and estate planning thinking you have so much more time ahead of you but I want to tell you again that you never know when the unexpected will occur. Love yourself and your family enough to take the time to create a financial plan.

Here is a new question for you ... do you know how much it costs to be cremated? Well, I had no background or experience in it. I never took a college class in writing an obituary or the cost of burial expenses. Funny thing is I don't think I am alone. The hospice nurse pulled me aside and said that cremation ranges in cost from $600.00 to $2300. What would I like to do? Again, not being an expert and not wanting to sound like a cheap skate, I asked, "Is there a reason I should choose the $2300.00 one versus the $600.00?" The nurse then finally offered some guidance and said that she thought I would be ok with the $600.00 option. It was still a loving choice. Now, let me make this clear that this occurred five years ago so the prices are probably higher now. Have you set aside money for your burial expenses? I won't get into more detail but cremation is by far the cheapest option so you really need to consider how you are going to afford expensive caskets if that is important to you. I have heard of people going way overboard spending $20,000 to $50,000.00 on a casket because they want to show their love and respect for their husband. They couldn't afford it but thought it would have been his dying wish. Many men have voiced almost the other extreme saying, "I am dead just put me in a box. Who cares?"

It may sound funny, but isn't it the same with wedding rings? Men go into debt paying for these huge diamond rings for women. If they were both really wise financially they would know to buy a less showy ring and invest the rest. That small bit of extra cash when left untouched will accumulate over time to be worth much more than a diamond ring. Currently, the values of diamonds are decreasing instead of increasing so the ring is steadily losing value over time.

I think it also shows your priorities. Is a big fancy ring what makes you happy? I hope not. Each of us has to learn that material pleasures and endless shopping is not the answer to life's problems. The temporary bliss or shopping high will soon be erased when you open your next credit card statement.

One of my favorite books is entitled, "The Millionaire Woman Next Door" by Thomas J Stanley, Ph. D. It is such an eye-opener. Most women millionaires are first generation millionaires. They did not come from a wealthy family or marry a rich husband. Instead they used persistence and determination to reach their goals. Next, the largest group of women millionaires is educators. What does that mean? You don't have to be earning a huge salary to be wealthy. Instead, you have to learn to live frugally and within your means. Last, none of the women believe they are the smartest or finished top in their class. This comforts me because it shows that being wealthy is not determined by who is the smartest or chooses the smartest investment option. A lot of hard work, discipline, treating people the way you want to be treated and a little bit of luck are the recipe for true success.

When looking for the right person or right investment strategy, no one has infinite amounts of time to do research. (It does absolutely shock me though how much time people consume with online dating.) Each of us must formulate a plan. Before you can find the "right" guy, you need to formulate a list of what qualities are important for you. What are your must haves and what are the things you can live without. I keep my list in a notebook I carry around daily. This list is essential to each of us because it helps us narrow our focus and be more specific in where we can search for the "one". If I don't want a man who drinks then I shouldn't be going to a bar to find someone. I may do better going to a singles event at a church or with a volunteer organization. Let's learn to use our time wisely and effectively.

Before writing this book, I decided for ten days to do the online dating thing as an experiment. It was definitely comical. I will share many more stories of this experience throughout the book. I met this one guy who spends an hour and a half every night trying to read all the new profiles of women and sending out only about five emails each night where if he was lucky he might get one reply a day or a 20% return on investment. (That might look like dreams in the stock market but you have to research more deeply to learn more.) Then he told me he had never been past a first date with any of the girls he met online. I wrote him an email that was brutally honest. It said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." In a loving way, I told him he was a beautiful person on the inside but he might want to take an hour each night and go to the gym and workout. Then come back to the online dating in a few months and he might have different results.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Dating Our Moneyby Leslie Greenman Copyright © 2011 by Leslie Greenman. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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